Jim's crew threw him a party once he got out of the medical unit—Sulu, Chekov, Bones, Carol, Spock. Her. There were others in attendance, of course, and for a while, the small recreational room on Deck 14 was very crowded as everyone ate various foodstuffs and drank (Bones guzzled) alcoholic beverages, except for Carol and Sulu, who drank juice because they were working their shifts afterwards.

Jim tried to pretend he wasn't watching Nyota throughout the gathering. She, like most of the other females in attendance, had on the regulation uniform. But when she wore her hair down, the way it was now, it reminded him of the first time they'd met. He could feel the tightness in his chest as he glanced at her again and again. She looked so pretty. She caught him watching her a few times, and offered him a small smile that he couldn't read. He wanted her to come over and talk to him without Spock, though he knew that was unlikely. The conversation Nyota had started while he was still in sick bay was lingering in his mind; he wanted to address it but there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it here, or anywhere else it seemed.

Nearly two weeks had passed since her hospital visit, and he thought maybe she'd forgotten or simply didn't care anymore. He'd tried to get her to come to his quarters, had messaged her his own private entry code, playing it off as a "just in case there's an emergency and you need me right away" kind of thing. She hadn't used it yet. Jim knew he needed to try and come to accept that he might never speak with her about what she'd told him that day, that she really was going to stay with Spock and he'd have to feign congratulations when they did whatever they would do—hell, got married and had their Vulcan babies. Whatever.

The celebration was winding down by the time Nyota made her way over to Jim, embracing him lightly as a greeting, with her boyfriend right beside her. "I'm finally getting to speak to the man of the hour," she said as she released him with that same light smile she'd been tossing his way all night.

"It is good to have you well again, Captain," Spock added. "You absence on deck certainly did not go unnoticed."

"Thanks," Jim said. "I'm sure the Enterprise didn't miss a beat with you in charge, buddy."

"I performed my duties in a manner I thought you would find most acceptable. However, such a change in administration would not have been necessary had you taken an away team with you. Perhaps a consideration for next time," Spock said in his familiarly serious manner.

Jim chuckled, not offended in the slightest. Corrections and factual retorts were all a part of Spock's personality, the gods love him. "Hey, I was being considerate. Once you told me there was a storm of poisonous gas going on, I wasn't going to risk anyone else's life. I hadn't planned on landing. I just wanted a closer look. It's in my nature to be curious. What can I say, next time, I'll be more careful," Jim responded. He took a long gulp of his beer. "But don't hold me to it."

Nyota shook her head. "I was hoping your near death experience might have knocked some sense in to you. I guess I was wrong."

Jim's eyes flickered towards hers. "I guess you were, Lieutenant. You should know me by now, though. If there's something I really want, nothing is going to stop me from getting it. Or at least, trying my hardest to get it."

"You have to make everything a competition or a personal challenge, don't you? It wouldn't be the worst thing if you took time to reason before diving in headfirst all the time. People could get hurt from the rash choices you're so fond of making."

"Or they could find it was the best decision they've ever made in their life. And then, the initial hurt…becomes worth it."

"I cannot think of such a circumstance," Spock mused. Beside him, Nyota blushed and wouldn't meet Jim's eye again. Jim felt slightly guilty, doing what he was doing right under Spock's nose...but it wasn't as if they were having a full on affair. If he never touched Nyota again, he would be able to justify what they had done. That was, however, the problem. He was dying to touch her again.

Just as Jim was trying to think of a subtle way to apologize, someone started up a round of songs, and soon the entire deck was singing loudly enough to drown out normal conversation. Nyota stood next to him, laughing at Chekov doing a ridiculous impersonation of Sulu dancing. Jim rested his hand on the small of her back, for a quick moment, before the singing was over. She didn't pull away from his touch, though anyone could have seen.

Jim lay staring up at his ceiling later that night, deep in thought. When he heard his door slide open, his heart began to thump wildly because he knew it was her. He sat up in bed.

"Is it a bad time? Can I come in?" she asked from the doorway to his room.

"You don't have to ask," he replied, folding his hands in front of him. "And you're already in."

Nyota had changed to her regulation sweat suit, the red and gray set. It fit her so well, showing her athletic figure in a way that made him want her—but what else was new? Her hair was in a ponytail, and part of it curled over her shoulder as she went across the room and sat carefully in one of the chairs that faced the bed. It was the right choice. Her being on his bed was too much temptation. Their chemistry was strong, ignited simply by their being in the same room together.

"We need to talk," she said softly.

"I know," Jim said. "I've been waiting."

She held her chin up stubbornly. "I'm not a cheater."

"I don't want you to be."

"I don't want to hurt Spock, and I know you don't either. I can't sleep with two men at once, especially when one of them is supposedly my boyfriend."

"Supposedly?"

"Jim. You know what I mean."

He would not beg her, even though she was breaking his heart with her words. He swallowed, nodded. "I understand."

"Good," she said. "So you're alright with us being…you know…over?"

He peered at her. "Are you crying?"

"No," she insisted, though her eyes were glistening. "I just want to make sure things don't change between us. I want you to treat me like the same Jim you've been. Make your little jokes, barge into my room whenever you want, let me scream how inconsiderate you are! I don't want things to change!"

"Nyota," Jim said flatly. "We've had sex. Everything's changed."

She gave a small desperate sounding wail, and let her head drop into her hands. Jim could only sit there watching her shoulders rise and fall with every breath she took. They sat in silence for some time until finally, Jim sighed. "Look, I don't want to make this hard on you. I don't want you to end up hating me. You regret what happened between us and you want us to go back to being friends so you can continue on with Spock. That's fine. Well, it's not fine, but I'm not going to push you. Like I told you before, I care about you. I care about how you feel. I don't like to see you cry, especially not over something that I did."

"You didn't do anything that I didn't actively participate in. And I never said I regretted it." She sat up again, facing him.

"I damn sure don't regret it," Jim said softly. "I remember how happy I was that night. I still remember how it felt to touch you. I remember everything. I can't get it off my mind. I think about you all the time. Every minute."

She ducked her head. "Please…you can't…you can't say things like that to me, Jim."

Jim stood up, walking over to her. "I guess this is it then. If you want it done, it's done."

"Okay," she said, nodding. "Thank you."

Nyota slid off the chair, taking two steps towards the door before Jim grabbed her hand, pulling her against him.

"Don't…."she warned breathlessly, but when he kissed her, she kissed back.

"I love you so much," Jim whispered in her ear. Their bodies were pressed together, a mixture of sweat and kisses, arms and legs wrapped around each other, joined as if they would never let each other go. When he went harder inside of her, she whimpered beneath him, drawing her thighs up around his waist.

"...stared at you all night...I want you...I miss you..." he gasped as he pulled her closer. She moaned, her head back against the pillow so her throat was bared to him. He ran his tongue over her, drawing her soft skin into his mouth, sucking her, wanting to leave a mark. There was always the slightest hint of whatever soap she used just below her jawbone. The aroma reminded him of gingerbread. Nyota grabbed his face suddenly, making him look at her. She was the only woman he'd been with to do that, make eye contact during sex.

"Kiss me," she exhaled. He did, the feel of her tongue in his mouth giving him a rush that felt as good as the drugs he used to take before he'd enlisted. They kissed as he erupted inside of her, her screams of pleasure swallowed by his lips over hers.

Afterwards, she lay across his chest, running her fingers up and down his biceps. He, in turn, traced tiny circles over her backside. He knew from prior experience that it made her sleepy.

"I can't stay," she mumbled, her eyes already drifting closed.

"I want you to." Jim pulled her against his chest by her ass, growing hard again as her nipples brushed against him. "I can set the controls to wake you up early—"

"We can't keep doing this," she said. She opened her eyes suddenly and rolled away from his wandering hands. "I can't believe we're doing this."

"Our chemistry is off the charts. You have to admit it."

She sat up, pulling her hair over her shoulder. "It might be best if I put in for a transfer."

Jim sat up too. "Are you fucking serious?"

"I don't want to be in the middle!"

"You think that leaving will make things easier? That's a coward's way out."

"Don't call me names!" she said angrily. "You don't know the guilt I feel every second I'm with him! He doesn't have a clue what we're doing behind his back. It would kill him! He loves me so much—"

"And I don't? There's nothing in the galaxy I wouldn't do to make you happy. Just give me a chance. God, you never just gave me a chance!"

"I was already with him when we met!"

"You still treated me like shit the first year and a half of our acquaintance. You'd already made up in your mind I wasn't worth it."

"I've apologized for that. I can't change the past, and I can't change the fact that I knew him first." Nyota tugged some of the sheets around her. "And what about all your other women? How could I ever trust you?"

"You know how many women I've been with since you and I went to Iowa? How many women I've even noticed since then? Zero."

"Wow, you've been a whole three months without one of your flings! That's all the validation I need, Captain," she said sarcastically.

Jim groaned, putting his head in her lap. "Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. You're killing me. Seriously. I'd rather you just tell me you don't love me than try and make me feel bad by throwing the past in my face. If you don't love me, just tell me."

She sighed softly as she began to stroke his hair. "I...I've always found you attractive, and even after I realized I was attracted to you, I could handle it. But then one day, something was different. I can remember you and Spock were looking at one of the star maps. I couldn't look away. You looked up at me and I remember thinking how amazing it was that anyone's eyes could be that blue. I remember thinking how I loved the color of your eyes. And I was scared at that thought," she explained quietly.

"Yeah...yeah, I remember that," Jim said. "Before we went to that ice planet in Quadrant Four."

She blinked back tears. "Yes, it was. It was then. I remember the way I loved your blue eyes and that thought scared me because I knew exactly what it meant. I knew then like I know now. I'm just afraid to say it. Because once I say it out loud, I can't take it back. Once I say it, I'll have to make the hardest decision of my life."