A.N. I seem incline to forget giving due credit, but this too is made readable by the wonderful Ennui Enigma. Just assume that anything mine since the start of the year went through her careful betaing, unless I state otherwise. And of course, nothing you recognize is mine (disclaiming is so boring!).
Sherlock is allowed back home while Mrs. Hudson is with her sister. He can't decide if she believed John or not. He melts into his armchair. Not literally, of course, but he's suddenly feeling so boneless that John might need to scrape him off the cushions with a spatula if he wants him to move.
"Now, about these explanations…" John starts, sitting in his own armchair. There is no tea. They aren't quite at that stage of back yet.
"I'll answer your questions if you answer mine," the detective interrupts.
John's eyebrow shoots up in surprise, but then he relaxes back into the chair. "Fair enough. Why?" His voice is quiet but he looks sharply at his personal not-Lazarus.
"I had to, John. Moriarty had snipers aiming at you, Mrs. Hudson and Lestrade. Nothing else but the ending he had written for me would stop him." (He's painfully aware he should have been able to find another way). Whatever John decides, the sleuth will never entirely forgive himself for that particular failure.
John swallows convulsively as if the information has lodged in his throat, but offers no other outward sign of his feelings. "Your turn," he prompts with merely a shrug.
"Who told you?" He's not disappointed in John's initial reaction...or his lack of a substantial one. But whoever informed his friend of his continued survival should really have notified Sherlock of the disclosure. The detective would have been adequately prepared for their reunion, then. Sherlock needs to know who is to blame, if (hopefully not when) he upsets John somehow because he is unready to face him.
"Nobody told me. They all fervently denied it, in fact. At least outrightly. I figured it out myself," John replies with a ray of pride. Given the nature of his deduction, he has every right to be proud, too. "As I said before, you didn't have to work alone. Why did you choose to do so? And don't say you had no other way. If I can imagine one arrangement where we work together, you could certainly calculate at least five in 30 seconds...or less." John's rigid now, not out of rage, but as if to hide his insecurity. Sherlock couldn't ever dream of being rid of his loyal blogger. How can John not realize that?
"It was the first time I wasn't entirely confident about the result," the detective confesses through gritted teeth, "it could very well end in Moriarty's posthumous victory, and the very point of the game was that you're too precious to lose, John."
He waits for another mocking, because that avowal is awfully…sentimental, to say the least, but John stays silent, staring keenly at him, trying to determine the truth of the statement. Sherlock has been known to be extremely manipulative, after all. But John knows how he is when he's truly shaken, doesn't he? He must know. He has seen Sherlock at his lowest. John would be the only one to see him like that, if the detective had any choice in the matter.
"I wasn't going to risk you, so yes, I had to do this alone. Mycroft offered his own people for backup, but I dropped off his radar every time he became too insistent. I would not associate with some minion I couldn't trust to keep silent if caught," the sleuth continues.
He's so very careful about his wording, but still John notices that 'if' covers for 'when'. Sherlock has been caught, and without backup. His habit to spontaneously disappear from Mycroft's surveillance must have meant he had to save himself. How long did that take? However much his suicide hurt him, John still doesn't wish Sherlock harm (certainly not from Moriarty's goons).
John's caring is made obvious to the detective by his unconscious, instinctive gesture of concern, as if his friend has the urge to bandage a hidden wound. Of course, this is stupid because if he really were hurt, John would have noticed within seconds of his return. He doesn't doubt the good doctor's powers of medical observation. But Sherlock doesn't want John's pity. He deserved everything he got, after all. He deserved it twice. Once, for being stupid enough to get caught. And again, for hurting John. He presses on, "How did you deduce it, then?"
"Your 'note' was all wrong," John declares. "It took me awhile to figure it out, granted. I knew from the start it was the biggest load of bull I had ever heard, but I did not realize how significant that was initially. It took me a few months of grief and guilt and your continuous slander from the press… and being just about ready to follow you, to see the truth."
Now it's Sherlock who can't quite control his reaction. He'd never willingly be caught emitting the horrified gasp that unconsciously leaves his lips. He'd been curious and interested at John's first sentence (what did he do wrong?) but the revelation of John's near suicide leaves him haunted. Every nightmare that has tormented him since the pool almost came true and it would have been all his fault. The sheer terror and despair of such a prospect are too much to be kept contained, out of his mien, and it shows. John thankfully does not remark on this.
"Death is the best truth serum, Sherlock," his friend states instead. "The urge to be completely honest is irresistible when one knows they'll never have another chance to express the truth or need to worry about the consequences of their revelation. You lied. Ergo you didn't plan to die... and if anyone could manage to survive that, you could," he says. It's a conscious echo, one that hurts them both.
Sherlock swallows the question about what he's done to ever deserve John's faith. It's not his turn, and he doesn't want to prompt John's realization that the right answer is 'nothing'. He absolutely doesn't want to lose it.
"Why didn't you let me know?" the doctor wonders quietly. He consciously restrains the anger and hurt. Comprehending what happened, if not how, had allowed him to hold on. Because, if he was at fault (he must have been, because Sherlock left), at least he wasn't guilty of overlooking Sherlock's depression or, worse, of tipping him into that. Still, having to deal with the people (like Mary) who clearly – thank God, not often vocally – thought he was stuck in denial (and likely crazy) had been hard. No matter how often he bottled them up, the doubts that he was wrong and they were right always returned. Bless God for Mrs. Hudson who wanted to believe (if nothing else), one of the few who did not invite John to 'wake up and face reality'. Ever. Now he had proof he was right all this time. The proof was breathing in front of him. Pity it also proved that Sherlock had not trusted him with that truth.
"You lied about Irene," Sherlock counters. John's mouth opens, but before he can either yell 'so now it's my fault?' or ask how Sherlock knows that (less likely) the detective hurries to explain, "I told you I wasn't sure about what would happen. One of Moriarty's many associates could have killed me, for all I knew. Your attempt to spare my supposed feelings about her was ample evidence that faking one's death, and dying in short order, is not good. Keeping you in the dark seemed the sensible choice. Add that I wasn't sure you'd stay here and be safe, no matter what I ordered, reasoned or cajoled, I really had no other option. I wanted to tell you, John. If it means anything."
Which it didn't, of course, or shouldn't because he still left John, hurt John. John has always been unpredictable about matters of sentiment though. Sherlock wants his forgiveness more than he's ever wanted anything. He's being honest, too – he very nearly took a page from Mycroft's book and kidnapped John at his funeral, before logic snapped him out of temptation.
"It means something, not much, but I still appreciate it," the doctor answers sincerely. There's an uneasy silence, then he asks, "You're out of questions, then?"
Sherlock's head shakes in denial. He thought he just used his turn in their question relay, but apparently John's being overly kind and not counting what's not worded like a question. Still, he might be angry if Sherlock exploits this benevolence blatantly. "What did Molly say?" If John wanted confirmation of his death, he'd have gone to her, surely? She was supposed to have done the post-mortem. She is a fellow medical practitioner (if with quieter patients), she's easily bullied into complying (Sherlock would know). And John admitted he never had 'outright' confirmation. Molly must have let something slip – with John, at least. Sherlock trusts her enough to believe she'd be very careful to protect his secret from others.
John answers Sherlock's question by imitating Molly's voice, rather well actually. 'Of course he's dead, John!...Why, why would you suspect, otherwise?' John explains his deductions. "With anyone else, I'd have thought the catch in her voice meant she wanted me to be right, wanted to be convinced that you were still alive. But she was the only one who could never have any doubts; the one who had the most concrete proof imaginable of your fate. As you've taught me in the past, details are important. I wondered why she didn't say something like 'how can you think such?' So, I surmised that you were still alive. I figured that Molly was asking, in her own subtle way, if you'd told me your secret."
John smiled as he finished explaining. "Oh...I will definitely be doing all future autopsies you might require, by the way."
Again, the detective is surprised. Of all the resolutions John's deduction might have prompted, this is unexpected...and a bit flattering, in a slightly morbid way – not that he minds. Still, "You're not a pathologist," he can't help but remark. Would John even be allowed?
John growls back, "Try to stop me and see if you can. I have medical knowledge, Sherlock. After that bloody stunt on Bart's roof, I'm dissecting you myself. Otherwise the doubt will haunt me forever, and I really don't fancy that."
Sherlock will probably be insufferably smug about his admission, but right now the doctor doesn't care. He's been subdued far too long. He doesn't think twice about giving Sherlock an honest piece of his mind.
It's John's turn though now. He swallows the 'did you miss me?' question that was on the tip of his tongue. Sherlock has already admitted that he's 'precious'. He's not sure if he could handle it if Sherlock doesn't admit to missing him. If he really didn't miss him, he doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to because he missed Sherlock to death, almost literally, and continued to miss him even when he persuaded himself that the bloody git was still alive and just running around in secret after his charade. When he decided it was high time to stop grieving (not for a living man) and start living again. Starting to date again too (hence Mary), because his friend would be back – hopefully sooner than later – and scare anyone away and John might as well get laid till he could. Right about everything but the sooner, wasn't he?
Instead, John hurries to inquire, "Will you stay here?"
"It depends." Such a noncommittal evasive answer from the detective makes John fight the sudden urge to find anything – a belt, a rope (Sherlock had a bloody harpoon, there must be a coil of rope somewhere, surely?) – to tie him up and ensure his friend won't leave. And although it's technically Sherlock's turn now, John refuses to accept such an elusive answer. So he queries sharply, "Depends on what?"
"On what you mean as here. If it's England, or even London, I'd say a definite, yes. If here is the flat, again, it depends," Sherlock answers.
"I know you hate to repeat yourself but it looks like you're asking me to reiterate things again," the doctor remarks with a half-smile. He'll have a clear answer if it's the last thing he does. "What does it depend on whether you will stay here, as in the flat?"
"On you, John. Obviously." Sherlock glances down. "I clearly renounced any claim to this place when I...left, so I need your permission to stay. I'm not going to break into your flat, or your life." No matter how much I might want to, fills Sherlock's mind as he answers John's question.
"You're crazier than I thought if you imagine that I'd let you…" John begins. Sherlock fights the instinct to curl up against the words. He tries to force himself to get up and leave, instead. He can't stay – he wasn't prepared to face a knowing John, so he couldn't convince the doctor to allow him to stay. He can't refuse John though. His anguish almost makes him deaf to the words his friend continues to utter. "…that I'd let you leave my line of sight. I'm not trusting you not to disappear anymore, so I'll have you where I can see you, thank you very much," John concludes.
Wait, what? Sherlock's mind does a double take. What did John just say?!
"I'm allowed to remain here? Here, as in this flat? Really?" A shadow of disbelief quivers in Sherlock's voice.
"You have to; there's a difference," John points out with a grin. He keeps quiet then, because after he stretched his turn so unreasonably, Sherlock deserves undeniably more than one reassurance (nothing about what happened has been fair in the slightest, to either of them, perhaps that's why the doctor is obsessed with the idea now).
But the detective keeps quiet and John is mentally debating about letting him know it's his turn to ask the next question when he notices his friend's breathe evening out and eyelids drooping. John's observed Sherlock crash post-case, and this definitely qualifies as post-case (and a gruelling, drawn out case at that). Now that the suspense of waiting for John's permission to stay has been relieved, he is out like a light. John finds it incredibly endearing. He has the urge to move him to the sofa (he thinks he can manage that without waking him – the bed, not so likely) to make his friend more comfortable.
In the end he decides not to; he's done with considering Sherlock's comfort top priority. He's learned a lot now, yes, and he can understand Sherlock's motives – which, really, John summed up a lifetime ago ('friends protect people') – but the past grief, self-doubt ('not dead? Self-delusion at its finest, John') and fears (he discarded me; in the most melodramatic way possible) still make him decide a few neck cricks when he wakes up might be more than well deserved by the detective. Not to mention, he just resolved (promised?) to keep Sherlock where he can see him at all times. So John sleeps on the sofa. He refuses to go up to his room and risk waking up to this Return being (yet another) dream, thank you very much.