Blind Faith CH 2
Karla was wobbly so he helped her up into the house with one arm around her and one holding her hand. She sank gratefully on the couch and sighed. "Damn. I feel like a dishrag."
"Can I get you anything?"
"No. Just some peace and quiet. I was horrible again, wasn't I?"
"Yes."
"Damn."
"Why do you do that?"
"I don't know. I just feel like….like they're going to hold me down and do something terrible to me. I don't know them, I can't trust them, I have to stay free so they can't trap me, so I can defend myself."
He realized she was still groggy from the medicine and her defenses were down. "Why do you think that they'd want to hurt you?"
"Because they always do. They're like animals. Get more than one person together and that means they're going to beat you up, or take your things and destroy them or laugh at you because you're different or smaller. Like they did to Jeremy."
"Who's Jeremy?"
"You remember Jeremy. He was that little boy that they brought to Mama and he was so small. He just wanted someone to be his friend. I tried, but they kept chasing us and wouldn't leave us alone. Jeremy tried to hide his bear but Johnny found it and tore it to pieces. Jeremy couldn't keep from crying and they beat him up. Then they came after me because I was trying to get them to stop and they hit me so hard that I couldn't hardly move and Mama didn't believe me. Then the state took Jeremy away but they were so mad that they kept chasing me. That's when I learned to hide in the cupboard 'cause they can't look in there with Mama always in the kitchen. I fooled them. They won't ever catch me again."
Dan swallowed a lump in his throat. So that explained her mistrust of people. Especially groups of people. What a lonely sounding childhood. She was mixing up reality and the past. "It didn't last though when you got older." He said.
"Nope. It was better. 'Let's see if the homely girl wants some dick. Let's see if we can't get her alone and show her how good it feels.' Uh, uh, not me. I know what you are and what you want. You are not going to make me into a whore. I'm a good girl. I don't care if I never have a boyfriend, you aren't going to do that to me. Just because I was raised in a foster care home, and you got some shiny car, I see you for what you are. I know what you did to Sally and she had to leave school and her step daddy committed murder and now he's in prison and she's all alone because you got her pregnant. She thought you loved her. You got all liquored up and you used her and passed her around to all your friends. Not me, no, sir. You are not going to do that to me. Not me."
He had to stop. He was nauseated by the things pouring out of her mouth. Things she was unable to keep contained under the influence of the medicine. "So you went into law enforcement."
"Yep, I was going to keep people safe from people like that, but I was too weak they said. Thought I'd never be able to shoot anyone. Ha, I showed them. Assholes in class weren't laughing when I shot that book out of his hand. I don't care if the Commandant was angry. Don't laugh at me, you bastards. Next time, I'll knock your ears clean off your head."
Ouch! What a spit fire. Okay, so her authority issues went way, way back. "And you met Dan."
She got a beautiful smile on her face. "Dan. My Dan. Such a great guy. He doesn't laugh at me, he doesn't call me names, he doesn't think I'm not good enough for him. He gets mad at me sometimes, but that's cause he's trying to help me. Cause he wants me to be able to fit in. I can't, I keep disappointing him, but I'm trying. I don't want him to stop loving me, to go away and leave me alone again. I'll die if that happens. I have to keep trying for him. Some day, I'll be good enough. Some day I'll show them all what he's helped me become. Some day I'll be good enough that other people will like me too. We can go somewhere and I'll be good enough for him to say this is my wife."
Oh, man what a can of worms he'd opened. He was privy to her innermost thoughts and he didn't know what to do about it. What a heavy load she was carrying. She honestly believed that he wouldn't love her if she wasn't perfect? She thought he might leave her? They had a long time engagement, but it had been one bad time after another, never seeming to be the right time to get married. Had he known what this was doing to her….Well, he'd make this right, and soon.
She'd lapsed into silence and she was asleep. He looked at her through tears in his eyes and running down his cheeks. This tiny little thing, that only came up to his shoulder but had the heart of a mother lion, trusted, depended and loved him. He'd never felt so unworthy in his life.
He pulled a blanket off the pile on the bed and covered her up. He went into the kitchen and got himself something cold to drink. He picked up the phone and dialed a number he knew by heart. "Nancy, it's me. How're the boys?"
"They're still a little shaken up. How's Karla?"
"She has a mild concussion and she's a little out of it, but she's home. The doctors were worried about her reaction to staying in the hospital so I brought her home. Are they handy? I-I'd like to tell them myself."
"In a minute. You don't sound very good. Are you okay?"
"I will be. It's reaction, I think. The boys did a good job of getting Karla some help. We can be very proud of them."
"I am. Danny, if there's anything I can do…."
"Thanks, but there isn't. You know something, Nance, I'm glad we are able to give the kids a stable loving home even with the divorce. You deserve a lot of credit for that."
"Thanks. I-I'll let you speak to them. I'll put it on speaker phone. David, Brent, your dads on the phone."
After reassuring them that Karla would be fine, he hung up the phone and went in to sit on the couch next to her, just watching her sleep. He didn't realize he'd fallen asleep until he woke up and it was getting dark. He had a moment of panic when it looked like Karla wasn't breathing. Then she took a deep breath and he could breathe again.
He woke her up every two hours all night long. Ducking when she took a half hearted swing at him. Finally at 6:00 am he fell in too deep of a sleep and didn't wake up until nearly 10:00. He jerked awake and checked Karla. She was deeply asleep. He touched her shoulder. "Karla, sweetheart, wake up."
"Go away, dammit." She muttered and turned away from him.
"Wake up and show me those pretty blue eyes." He insisted.
"Shut up. It's dark outside. Go back to sleep."
The sun was shining in the windows. "Karla! Karla, wake up."
"What the hell do you want?" she snarled at him, looking his way.
"What color is my shirt?"
"Why? Are you going somewhere? Did you get called in? It's pitch black outside."
"Sweetheart, sit up. Look around you. Do you see anything at all?"
"No. Dan?"
"You're having a side effect from your injury. Let's get you dressed and I'll take you back to the hospital."
"Is it day time? Wha-What time is it?"
"It's 10:00 am. I overslept. The doctor said to bring you back if there were any problems or just to come back today for a check up. I think this qualifies as a problem."
"I'd say so." Karla said quietly. "Help me get to the bathroom."
"Okay." He took her hand and led her to the bathroom. He would've gone in with her but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. "This I think I can do on my own."
"Oh, of course. Let me know if you need…."
"Go make some coffee, Dan. You're babbling."
"I can't believe you're taking this so well."
"It hasn't hit home yet. But I have to pee. Okay? That is immediate."
"Sorry. I'll be in the kitchen."
He went into kitchen and made coffee. His hands were shaking. Damn it! Blindness was a career ender for a police officer. At least she didn't appear to be in pain. He hoped that continued. He turned at sounds from the doorway. Karla was there with a terrified look on her face. "Dan?"
"I'm here." He said going over to take her hand. She clutched him.
"Did the doctor say anything about this? Did he think this was part of it?"
"No, or if he did he didn't say anything to me about it. Come sit down."
He helped her over to the table and she sat down heavily. "I'm scared, Dan. Did he say it was okay for me to have some aspirin or something? I have such a headache."
"Yes, I have some for you. Do you want some water to take it with?"
"Please. Is it sunny out?"
"Yes. Karla, don't worry. We'll get the best doctors there are around. It's probably just temporary from your head injury. Before we panic we need to wait and see what he says."
"Easy for you to say." Karla tried to smile.
"Not easy in the least, love. But head injuries are nothing to fool around with."
"You need to call the precinct and tell them you won't be in today. You were supposed to be on today. Instead you have to take your klutzy wife to the hospital again."
"I think they've figured out that I won't be in, but I'll call them. Will you be okay for a few minutes?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm okay in my own home. Go ahead."
Dan gave her a sharp look. She couldn't see it, but she seemed okay. He moved out onto the porch out of her hearing. Bobby answered the phone. "Major Case, Goren."
"It's Ross. How is everything there?"
"F-Fine. We expected you to come in."
"Karla has to go to the hospital. She fell off the horse yesterday and hit her head. Now she can't see. I have to take her back to the doctor and see what's going on. Call me on my cell if you need me."
"I will. Let us know what you find out."
"I'll keep you posted as soon as I know. Later."
He called Nancy. "I need the boys to stay with you for a few days. Karla has developed problems and I have to take her back to the hospital."
"She's not having spasms, is she?"
"No, she can't see. I'll let you know what I find out. I don't think we ought to tell the boys anything until we know something concrete."
"If there's anything you need, let me know."
"Thanks, I will. Have you noticed we haven't had this much conversation in quite a while?"
"With one thing and another, we have had a lot to talk about. I mean it, Danny, I'm here for you and Karla if you need me."
"I know. You take care of the baby and the boys and your husband. I'll take care of Karla."
"That's something you do well. Take care of the people you love. That was always one of your strongest qualities. See you later."
Dan hung up his phone and took several deep breaths. He was afraid that this was only a symptom of a deeper image. He wished for one minute that he could just leave all his problems behind, take Karla and disappear for a few days. But of course, Karla had the problem and therefore so did he so they couldn't just go. He would have if it would solve the problem.
He smelled something cooking. She was probably trying to take care of him yet. He went inside to find her working her way carefully around the kitchen, making toast and some eggs. "You shouldn't be cooking when you can't see." He told her.
"You have to eat and so do I. I haven't had anything since last night and I'm hungry. I can cook eggs and toast with my eyes closed, see?"
"Let me finish the eggs, at least."
"Alright. Just promise to watch out so I don't bump into you."
"You can bump into me if you want to." He teased. He gently took the spatula from her and moved her away from the stove.
"Don't treat me like I'm made of glass. I can still cook some things. I used to do it with my eyes closed just for something to do, and I've read some about doing things the blind peoples way, just so I know how they feel. I got quite good at it. The yokes aren't broken, are they?"
"No. It's a memory exercise. You remember where you put things and make sure you're not disappointed when they've moved. Having years of sight helps, I can visualize things."
"You used to do this?"
"We had a girl that came to school one time that had been in an accident, and she was all bandaged up, her whole head and her eyes. Some of the boys living here at the time made fun of her, so Mama challenged us all to spend a whole day without sight. She was around here so we were safe, but we had to do our chores without sight for the whole day. Only in an emergency could we take the blindfold off. One of my chores was to make supper that night and I burned my fingers. So I'm especially efficient at cooking. It was fun for me so I spent most of a week at it. Until I had trouble reading then I gave it up."
"Well, you don't have to cook this morning. I'll let you butter the toast. Do you want some tea?"
"That sounds good."
He put water on for tea and watched her feel around in the frig for the margarine and take a plate to carry the toast. She got a knife and moved with careful steps to the table and sat down to butter the toast. She was good at it. She used her fingers to carefully spread the margarine all over the surface.
Dan nearly burned the eggs watching her try to cope. He got out another plate and dished up the eggs. "Here we are." He grabbed a couple of forks and set them down.
"Thank you, darling. They smell good. Where did you put them on the plate? Use the numbers on the clock for position."
"Uh, one at 11:00, one at 3 and one at 7."
"Thank you."
She took two pieces of toast and handed them toward him. He took them. "Thank you. You seem to be taking this calmly." He commented.
"It's not real. Not yet. Not until I see the doctor. Then I'm going to be a basket case. Right now, I'm denying it is real. Except that I can't see your face. I miss that. I read a lot about how you're feeling by your face."
"I didn't realize that."
"Neither did I. I can hear tension in your voice, worry, fear at what's going to happen. My fear is linked to yours because you can see. You know more about what's going on than I do. I'm going to eat. I'm scaring myself."
Dan reached over and took her hand. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. We'll get this taken care of just like everything else together."
Karla gripped his hand with desperate fingers. "I don't know what to think or what to do. Help me, Dan."
"I will. I'm right here."
"But you'll have to go away sooner or later. You have to work and you have the boys to think of. I can't just depend on you. I have to learn how to depend on myself."
She pulled her hand away.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We don't know what the doctor is going to say. Let's hear the verdict first." He took her hand again. "We're in this together, Karla. All the way."
Karla was breathing heavily, right next to losing her cool. She clutched his hand again and then relaxed her grip, but didn't release it all together. "Let's eat and then we can go. Did you tell them at the precinct what was going on?"
"I told Bobby. He'll be discreet. He said to let him know what's going on when we know something. Your tea is ready. Shall I pour it?"
"Please."
"Go ahead and eat, Karla. It might be awhile at the hospital."
Karla nibbled at her toast and ate a bit of her egg before pushing her plate away. "I can't eat anymore." She said in a small voice.
Dan came over with her tea and set it down next to her hand. "Just the way you like it. Nearly hot chocolate."
"Thanks." She took it and took a small sip. "I hate having anyone waiting on me. I feel like I'm going to be a boulder around someones neck. If I'm blind….."
"Don't say that."
"IF I CAN'T SEE for the rest of my life, think about whether or not you want to be tied to me. I wouldn't blame you for wanting a different life….."
"Stop that right now! In the first place, you are getting way ahead of yourself. You don't know anything is permanent. In the second place, my loving you doesn't depend on you being able to tell the color of my shirt. Love is not a color, it's a feeling and I love you. I will not just walk away from you because you can't see. I'm not that shallow and shame on you for thinking that about me. Point number three, you're feeling sorry for yourself, that's understandable, but don't let it take over. You're a fighter. You're a survivor and you have me and the boys, Bobby and Alex, Mike and Carolyn, and Nancy and Todd behind you. We're all pulling for you. We're all on your side. Don't let us down. We know you can beat this. Hold onto us."
Tears were running down her cheeks and she reached for him. Dan pulled her onto his lap and held her trembling body against his. She was really scared. He tucked her under his chin and rocked her slightly putting as much of his arms around her as he could.
She was cold, shivering. He wished he had a blanket. It was reaction. He'd had enough experience with shock to know what it was. This was delayed reaction. "It's okay. It's alright. I'm here and you're not alone. I'm right here."
"I love you. I do."
"I know that. I love you too. Always and forever. That's not going to change."
"Except when you have to escort me around like a…a blind person."
"Not even if. It's only an if, Karla. You are who you are."
"I won't be Karla, just some helpless person."
Dan chuckled, then laughed. It was a startling thing for him to do and he didn't think he could pull it off, but he did. "You helpless? Oh, my dear Karla, you and helpless will never be in the same room. If anything, I'll have to be more careful or you'll trounce me in Braille and with your fists. I'll have to make sure I wear asbestos underwear to bed."
It was enough to jolt her out of her self imposed self pity party. She swatted him on the chest. "Knock it off." She said gruffly.
"Ouch!" even though it didn't hurt as much as he pretended. "See? You did that without even seeing my face. You will never be helpless. Just feisty."
"You made your point. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. Let's get dressed and we'll go see what the doctor has to say."
"Alright. Just make sure I'm not looking like I got dressed in the dark, will you?"
"Red and Purple, got it."
"Dan."
"Okay, nice and demure."
"Don't get dramatic on me now."
He laughed a genuine laugh. "Okay. Jeans and what your red horse shirt?"
"Yes."
"I sort of figured that. You and your horses."
She patted his chest. "They play second fiddle to you now."
"Thank God." He sighed.
TBC