Thank you to the people who gave me great ideas and reviewed and everything! Hopefully this will be funny!

Dedication- To all Mary-Sues. Without you, we would be forced to bash our characters. Now we can bash you. Mwahahaha!!

Disclaimer- I own Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth and some of the torture ideas. Nothing else.

"Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth." came the voice from above our belovedly stupid Sue. She glanced up with those eyes that the authoress would spend twleve minutes desribing but she didn't feel like getting another headache. Mary-Sue looked up at the ceiling where a face had appeared.

"Yes?" she answered, a smile dancing on her perfectly plumped lips.

"You are to be sent on a mission." said the authoress, hiding her eyes with a black pin-striped fedora. Mary-Sue wondered vaguely why she was doing that.

"Yes?" said Mary-Sue.

"A mission to become the best Mary-Sue in LOTR fandom."

"Sounds exciting!" said Mary-Sue, clapping her perfectly manicured hands. The authoress grinned.

"You must complete each task set before you. It will be challenging."

"Fine, as long as I don't break a nail."

"Your nails will be perfect." said the authoress, not saying anything about the rest of her. If Mary-Sue had seen her eyes, she would have seen the truth. But she didn't so was perfectly ignorant.

"Thank heavens. What is to be my first task?"

"Get to Middle-Earth. Simple for your first. They will get harder." said the authoress. "I have to go now, but I will be monitoring your progress on my computer. Luck, Mary-Sue." Then the ceiling went blank and Mary-Sue was by herself again. She stood and the armchair was whisked away into the depths of cyber-space.

"Now, how to get to Middle-Earth?" she wondered aloud. She put her not so big brain to work, but really couldn't think about how to get to a fictional world from where she was in cyber-space, it was quite a taxing think and most of those boy portraits weren't helping by staring with big eyes at the sight of Mary-Sue pacing. She thought and thought and thought and thought some more. Sooner than later, she ordered a boy to get her a Mocha Frappuccino, extra chocolate. The coffee and chocolate blend was enough to make her headache go away.

"Oh how I wish I could go to Middle-Earth to complete my quest!" she said, sipping.

And with a swirl of colors, a light dusting of wind, and a chanting of foriegn voices to music, Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth landed gently on her feet in the middle of a grassy field. She looked about her with something akin to amusement and bemusement. And of course, like all Mary-Sues, she didn't find the travel experience too trying. In fact, she rather liked it.

"Oh, wow, I'm here!"

The authoress nodded. Mary-Sue had finally said the magic words. Thank God. It was nearing the edge of two hours. The authoress sipped a strawberry smoothie as she typed on her laptop to her Sue.

A note fluttered from the sky, straight towards Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue grabbed it with her perfectly French-manicured nails.

Well done, Mary-Sue, the note read. You have successfully come to Middle-Earth. Your second task will begin immediately. Go tell Sauroman what you think of his nails.

"Alright!" she said, with a smile. Nothing got down Mary-Sue's spirits. "But where is he?"

Another note fluttered down. Isenguard. Which is right in front of you. Mary-Sue looked up. A giant black tower loomed in front her in the distance.

"How on Earth am I going to get there? So not walking." There came a sigh from the sky, then a bike appeared. (Pink with glitter). "Ummm...doesn't match my outfit!" There was a groan from the sky, then a black and red motorbike appeared. "Much better." she said, mounting it with a swirl of her blonde hair.

"Don't you want a helmet?" asked the authoress, hoping to see Mary-Sue with helmet-hair.

"Um...let me think...NO!" And the motorbike roared and she was speeding across the fields. Somehow, she got past the Uraki guards and walked up the stairs of Isenguard. She smiled as the door opened at her touch. "His nails can't be that bad." she said with a giggle. "But seriously, he so needs to dust." she said, looking at the foot-prints that her boots were leaving in the dust.

She rounded a corner and entered the Palantir room. There stood an old man in white, his hand splayed out on top of the glowing red orb. She studied him...his hand.

"OMG!!" she shrieked. Sauroman jumped a foot. "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR NAILS?!"

"What? I--How'd you get in here?!" he shouted, grabbing his staff. She was at his side in a matter of seconds, grabbing his hand.

"And these calluses! God, your hands are a walking disaster area!" He yanked his hand away.

"So? What are you going to do about it?" he sneered. Safe in her room, the authoress punched her fist in the air. Mary-Sue was making Sauroman act out of character! YES!!

"What am I going to do about it?" snapped Mary-Sue, glaring at Sauroman. "I'm going to cut them, file them and manicure them. And some cucumber-melon lotion wouldn't go astray on your hands."

Sauroman stared. "What?"

"You heard me!" The authoress decided to help her Mary-Sue. An entire nail-art kit, complete with huge clippers, a file and lots of nail-polish and even a tube of cucumber-melon lotion appeared in the Sue's hands. "Now...GET OVER HERE!!"

"NO!" There procedded a chase through Isenguard, all over the halls. The authoress was laughing so hard that she almost dropped her laptop. Mary-Sue finally cornered him in the Palantir room again. The authoress held her breath. Then Mary-Sue attacked!!

Nail clippings flew everywhere, there was the sound of Sauroman shrieking like a little girl and Mary-Sue complaining about the state of his nails the entire time. Then it was over and Sauroman was staring at his hands which were now perfect, thanks to the Mary-Sue touch. He now smelled of cucumber-melon and sweat. Not a very pleasent combination.

"There." said Mary-Sue, flipping her perfect tresses over her shoulder. "Now you look somewhat presentable."

Sauroman growled and reached for his staff.

The authoress winced and turned her head as a blinding light was emitted from her computer. She looked back at the screen to see Mary-Sue was gone. She sighed. Oh well...she'll be back next chapter...

Thank you for reading. Now review!