A/N: I've been asked if this is going to be sad.. i don't think so.. but it deals with sad stuff. This is the story of finding life again. ENJOY!
BPOV
I tried to focus on what others in the group were saying. But my brain was hyper-aware that Edward's leg was touching mine. I cursed my pregnancy hormones for being as attracted to him as I was. Guilt swirled though the lust reminding me that my husband was dead and would never see his unborn child grow up. That tempered my hormones a bit and helped me to follow the conversation going on.
Mike, an elderly widower, who just lost his wife due to complications during her hip replacement, was talking about what he did on her birthday which was last week and the first without her. Tears welled in my eyes as I remembered celebrating Seth's birthday after he had died. It had only been a month after he passed away and the sadness was still so fresh. I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed so I stayed there. Luckily Seth's brother, Jake, came over with a cake and kept me company throughout the day. Eventually we sang Happy Birthday to Seth and together we ate the cake telling stories and reminiscing about the guy we both loved. Since that day, Jake has been a godsend to me, a true pillar of support and comfort. He was there as I told his parents that I was pregnant with Seth's baby. He's accompanied me to a few appointments and didn't mind my late-night calls when all I did was cry.
It was at Jake's insistence that I come to this grief and loss support group. He appealed to my awakening maternal instincts. If I wasn't going to do it for me, then I should do it for the baby. He was right and the people in the group understood me in ways I never expected. Knowing we've all lost loved ones and watching as we all clawed our way out of the sadness gave me hope that one day breathing wouldn't hurt.
What I hadn't expected was Edward. When I first joined, he was the only person close to my age so I gravitated to him. We didn't talk at first, because my grief had me so wrapped up in myself that I barely registered him at times. But then we struck up a conversation one night as I was waiting for Jake to pick me up. Edward was helping Carmen clean up and we got to talking. From there a friendship of sorts grew.
I tried to resist it. I felt as if I was walking all over Seth's memory, trying to replace him with Edward. Weeks with my own therapist helped me see reality and not what grief was whispering in my ear. Irina reminded me that Edward and I shared many similarities in our grief; sudden and tragic circumstances, being young and losing a spouse, the loss of the planned family. It helped that Edward was in no place for anything more than a friendship. I knew my pregnancy was hard on him. It was a reminder of what he watched Alice go through and the loss of his child.
But as the weeks turned into months, the pained look in his eye grew less and less, while my belly began to show signs of the baby growing inside. In fact, as I progressed, Edward grew very protective of me and the little nugget. He always saved me my favorite donut, asked how I was feeling, making sure I was eating properly and taking care of myself. It was quite endearing.
But in the last few weeks, as my hormones surged and my brain scrambled, I've notice just how good looking Edward was. He towered over my slight five foot, four-inch frame. His hair was a strange mix of brown and red and looked so soft. His face was angular in an attractive way and it was only enhanced by the slight stubble he always seemed to be sporting. But it was his eyes that captivated me- a bright green that reminded me of the Spanish moss that was everywhere outside Nana Swan's house in Georgia.
The way I was reacting to him messed with my head and heart. I was over five months pregnant with my deceased husband's child, attracted to a man I met at a support group who had lost his own wife and child. Add to it that I felt like a stranger in my ever-changing body and I didn't know how or what to feel. My heart kept saying it was way too soon to find another man attractive. Irina and pregnancy lust kept telling me there is no time table for dealing with and healing from grief.
If only Edward wasn't so damned sweet, it would make it easier to stay away.
A/N: So that is Bella. Just to clarify- Edward lost Alice and his child just over a year ago. For Bella, its about 7 months.. and she is about 6 months pregnant. I would love to hear your thoughts! I will try my best to answer your reviews!
WVG