Unrequited

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: (Pre-'One Year') April and Donnie finally have the talk.

Sitting in the lair watching Donatello fix her father's expensive French coffee machine was bound to bring up old memories for April.

While her and the purple-banded turtle were close friends once again - it had been more than a year since it happened - there was still moments like these that caused certain feelings to rise to the surface.

"What happened to this beauty?" Donnie asked with a raspy chuckle as he looked around the remains of the coffee maker.

"Raphael happened to it." April said coldly as she cradled a warm cup of coffee in her hands, still not yet completely forgiving her destructive boyfriend. Even if he did apologize profusely and even went out to buy her coffee - in public - in the daytime. She wasn't mad at him per-say, she thought it was more the lack of caffeine invading her brain and making her cranky or it could be she was about to have her period any day. Combined with all those factors, she decided once Donnie fixed it, she hoped she'd feel much better. The coffee Donnie did make her was improving her mood but not by much; at least it was helping curb the caffeine headache she was suffering from.

"Yikes. Sounds about right. Hope you didn't ask him to make you a cup."

"I didn't. He actually just offered." April shrugged.

"Ooh. Well, hope you learned your lesson. He's like a bull in a china shop when it comes to the kitchen - even worse than Leo, which is frankly, quite frightening. You know, he nearly set the lair on fire trying to make a can of soup a couple years back. He thought a twenty minute rolling boil would be appropriate; which would have been one thing if it had been in the proper saucepan - but... Yeah. Never mind. To make a long story short, Master Splinter pretty much banned Raph from the kitchen until further notice." Donnie said with a smile, trailing off and going back to inspect the broken machinery in front of him.

"Heh. I'll keep that in mind." April replied with a chuckle after taking a sip of the sweet brew from the chipped ceramic cup.

"That would be wise." Donnie said, glancing at her for just a moment; his mouth in an easy gap-toothed smile which she quickly returned.

April glanced up at Donnie for a moment after he had returned to working on the machine. He appeared physically to be doing very well. He no longer had large bags under his eyes and seemed to be getting proper nutrition and sleep. In other words, he looked remarkably healthy compared to seven months ago when they finally had "the conversation".

As Donnie continued to work, it was watching his hands in sure movements and he began fixing the machine when the conversation rose headfirst into her mind...

It's been a long time coming.

Over 9 months to be exact.

April wasn't really prepared to face Donatello after what she coined as "the incident". Which could basically be summed up to Donnie and Casey catching her and Raphael making out by the lake in Northampton, that escalated to everyone else finding out about their relationship all at once. In hindsight, it was not exactly how she pictured breaking the news to any of them. In fact, it was probably the worst way possible, but it was too late.

But what was done was done and there was no turning back the clock.

At first, she avoided him, or more precisely, Donnie was avoiding her...like the plague.

Donatello was by no means the only who was having a hard time with it either but to be fair, Casey was a different beast altogether. He was pretty much over it in just over two weeks and that was mainly Raph's department considering Casey's angered rant consisting solely of, "My best friend betrayed me!"

There was a big difference.

Her and Casey had indeed become close friends over time and he shamelessly flirted with her whenever possible; those brazen innuendos of his never got unnoticed, just ignored most of time time, but all in all, it was pretty clear it was just in good "fun". Casey really never seemed outwardly genuine of wanting to pursue a serious romantic relationship. Casey Jones was more for hooking up, which April was strictly against. If Casey seriously thought she was willing to lose her virginity on basically a one-night stand with him, he had another thing coming. If he was that dense, she would have sicked all her turtle pals on him a long time ago, but that was never their relationship. They were good friends. How this whole thing between him and Donnie fighting over her actually started, she'd never fully understand... But it all boiled down quite simple for her; the differences between the relationship she had with Donnie versus Casey all came down to one simple fact.

She never kissed Casey - the same couldn't be said about Donnie.

April tore over exactly why she in fact did kiss Donatello a million different times in her head over the following nine months. She was so conflicted and confused over the whole issue, and she concluded, that as lame as it sounded in her head and verbally, she had basically done it on a whim.

As bad as it sounded - It just happened.

April just assumed it was because she believed she had no choice in the matter. Donnie loved her and over the course of knowing the turtles over two years, that didn't wane in the least even if she felt nothing but a loving friendship toward him. If he loved her, she just came to assume she needed to love him back. Over the course of the invasion, her own personal desires fell to the wayside as her main job was just trying to keep everyone together and sane. The last thing she wanted was more conflict, and so when Donnie told her how she must see him like a freak, April believed that was the turning point. In his self-conscious mind, Donatello came to the understanding him being a freak was the reason she didn't love him back- April panicked.

The last thing she wanted was to make her friends feel like freaks. She loved them all dearly and she hated the fact they had a tendency to self-hate on their appearance when they all were so wonderful and perfect to her no matter what the rest of the world might think of them.

April glanced up at him and saw those big sad brown eyes and out of pretty fucking nowhere, she pulled him down and kissed him smack dab on the lips.

What surprised her was more of how innocently she smiled and walked away while the whole time she was screaming internally just wondering what the hell she had done. She had really fucked up big time and now came the time to sit back and wait for it to implode in her face.

That didn't happen until a few days later when she kissed Raphael atop that chicken coop and he miraculously kissed her back. Just days after putting her mouth upon Donnie's, she was now making out with his hotheaded brother.

It was no wonder Donnie was confused.

When he caught them, he had every right to rant, rave, and scream...but that was just it -

Donnie didn't do any of that.

Matter of fact, he was nearly silent and that's what really freaked April out.

April had no idea what to expect. She was terrified Donnie would do something stupid. She knew he would rather cut off his own arm than ever lay a hand on her, but Donnie could be mentally self-destructive. Working himself for days non-stop without eating or drinking a thing. Donnie was also passive aggressive and took jabs at Raphael whenever possible whenever she wasn't around. She didn't find out about little tidbit of information til her and Raphael were going out for over eight months.

She assumed the role of caretaker and just went about her business whether Donnie was talking to her or not. As time passed, her and Raphael's relationship continued to grow and she just came to grow comfortable as she could in this new environment. It was as if the whole balance of power shifted and where Donnie was always next to her, Raphael easily filled in that space. They were rarely apart and it was a nice, albeit strange shift of events.

Over the next few months, she was learning more about this turtle she'd fallen so hard for and vice-versa. They grew closer to the point she rarely thought about the guilt hanging over her head and those sad brown eyes. Instead, her memories were now filled with bright green eyes, wise-cracking banter, and his cocky smile.

It was after they had made their way back to New York that she realized just exactly what Raphael had been going through with Donnie without her knowledge.

Donnie had been undermining his own brother, pushing his buttons and making Raph's life a living hell behind her back. While Donnie could never take Raph in a fight, he was doing it psychologically, reminding Raphael and prodding him with every flaw and throwing back every word his older brother may have said to him over the course of Donnie's pursuit of April. It was when Raph and April were alone one night in the lair he ended up telling her everything.

Little did Raph know what April was going to do once he fell asleep.

"DONNIE!" April screeched without any notice, she busted her way into the genius terrapin's lab. Paying off Mikey with his favorite pizza to use his body blocked against the door to impede Donnie's only other exit.

"We are talking and there is nothing you can do about it!" April shouted, her hands firmly on her hips and a look of determination etched onto her face.

Donnie looked absolutely petrified standing next to his line of beakers and the goggles on his face making his eyes twice as big as they actually were. If this wasn't such a serious situation, she would have outright laughed at the look on his face.

"A-April. Do you know what time it is? What are you doing in here?" Donnie asked while shakily putting back the beakers on the bench and taking off the gloves and goggles.

"We need to talk this out." April clarified, making her way quickly to the purple-masked turtle until she was right in front of him.

Donnie's eyes glanced around for an exit. He had been awake for over seventy-two hours and April was by no means a novice kinouchi anymore. He would never make it to the door fast enough. Having no other choice than face her, he sighed before finally meeting her beautiful blue eyes, which even when they were laced with unbelievable rage, he swore he'd never seen a more beautifully colored iris.

"I'm listening." Donnie spoke softly, sitting down on his lab chair.

April was taken aback for a moment. It was now she took notice of the large bags under his eyes and just how bloodshot his eyes had become. It was as if he'd aged over five years since that night over nine months ago. All of the sudden, the rage in her dissipated. She saw the torment Donnie was going through and knew it was all her fault. The friend she treasured so much just looked hopelessly in disrepair.

"Oh, God, Donnie. I am so sorry..." April said, her eyes burning from holding back sudden tears, the words flooding from her mouth as the need to apologize outweighed any anger she was feeling toward him at that moment. "I never meant to hurt you - you need to believe that."

Hearing those words broke something in Donnie. The rage he had been feeling since finding her making out with his brother just days later. He exploded.

Donnie couldn't help but snort at that statement. "Oh, so you kissing me was just - what? A fluke? You really expect me to believe that you and Raphael hooking up just days after kissing me was not meant to hurt me? How do you propose that I could possibly believe that?" Donnie said, his voice terse and dry as he stood to his full height over April.

"Donnie. Please. You need to understand something. I've been in love with Raphael way before I kissed you." April replied, wishing to a higher entity that that sounded better than it did coming from out of her mouth.

She realized her mistake in the way Donnie's face took on no more emotion than a stone. His eyes hardened and his mouth was nothing more than a thin line.

"Hhn. So, you took absolutely no notice of my affection for you and just used me this whole fucking time!?" Donnie shouted, the obscenity leaving his mouth shocked her more than she cared to admit.

Donnie was the last of the turtles to revert to such language thinking it undermined his intelligence and now she had no idea what to expect from the genius terrapin.

"Donnie, please, you're misunderstanding. I didn't mean it like that!"

"No. I understand this situation perfectly. In fact, let me explain it in a way you can easily grasp - let's see here..." Donnie spoke sardonically, placing his finger on his chin. "Over the course of the two years I've known you. I have upgraded your computer, actually took the time to make you a cellular phone, given you many gifts, and spent more time helping you with your homework than I've spent training with my own father and so many inventions I canned in lieu of helping you excel in your coursework. Yet, you've rebuffed my feelings - thrown gifts back into my face - and overall, avoided uncomfortable conversations about how much I care about you. Over time, I learned maybe it wasn't going to happen. That I was in way over my head and I needed to face it. Then, right out of the freaking blue - you kiss me right on the cusp of me finally getting the hint and starting to let the idea that you feel any sort of affection toward me go to the wayside.

Finally, for the first time in two years, I actually believed you started to feel the same way about me. Those three days were some of the best of my life. The sky looked brighter, the outlook on this whole situation seemed to disappear when you kissed me...

Then, out of nowhere, I find you with your tongue down my own brother's throat...

Now, you think I'm the one who has a problem? You think I'm the one at fault for this situation when I have been damn pleasant and accommodating considering these hellish circumstances? I have not yelled, I have not ranted and raved like I wanted to. I gave you all the space you need so you can go ahead and kiss and fuck my brother all you want!"

"What?! Now you wait just a damn second, Donnie!" April shrilled, her face bursting into flame.

"No! I'm not done, April." Donnie said, punctuated by one large finger pointing accusingly at the redhead. "You're gonna listen to me. I gave you every single piece of my heart and you treated me like some used kleenex! You used me and just threw me away after I gave you what you needed with complete disregard for my feelings. You had plenty of time to tell me you didn't feel the same. If you had just told me before I caught you with my brother, I would have understood. I would have backed off and let your live your life, but you didn't do that! You toyed with my emotions and made me look like a damned fool!"

"That's enough, Donatello! I told you on multiple occasions I just wanted to be friends! You were the one who refused to believe me!"

"You lead me on!"

"I did not!" April shrilled, her hands hardened fists shaking by her side. "You remember when I was patching you up and said I did not want to talk about it. I plainly said I didn't feel the same way and that I didn't want to hurt you by spelling it out! Don't you dare throw your guilt on me! For the first time in two years, I did something for me! I pursued Raphael because I seen potentially someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were not just some wayside causality in the whole thing, I just fell in love and I was fortunate enough that he felt the same!"

"Bullshit! I'm done listening if you're just going to continue and lie to me, April! Now - just - just get out of my lab!" Donnie said, the words getting caught in his throat before he outright forced them out.

"No." April growled, her palm slapping harshly onto his lab table, the vibration sloshing the liquid in their glass beakers.

Donnie's eyes followed the precarious liquid. Once he was pleased they would not splash upon the surface, he turned his hardened chocolate eyes back to the seething redhead in front of him. While he never would physically hurt April, he wanted nothing else to do with this. He had been cordial, he had been downright kind to her considering the circumstance. If he was being truthful with himself, he was harder on Raphael than he was on her. He didn't see it but knew his brother had been 'shmoozing' her probably the whole time and stealing her right under his nose.

How his short, pigheaded, angry brother earned the affections of the beautiful April, Donnie would never understand, but he had dealt with it the best he could. If anything, Raphael deserved the biggest tongue lashing possible since beating him into an inch of his life was nearly impossible considering the muscle mass Raphael had over him made an actual fight a bit unfair.

April seemed to be on fire. Her eyes were blue steel as she met his own unflinchingly. Her soft pouty lips were in a firm line as she dared Donatello to tell her to leave again.

"What the hell do you want from me, April?" Donnie asked suddenly, his hands in tight fists by his sides.

"I want you to apologize to Raphael."

"Are you insane? I'm never apologizing to him! He's the one who stole you from me! Why should I apologize!? Oh, or would you rather me congratulate the jerk for doing such a bang-up job of stealing my girl!?"

"I was NEVER yours, Donatello! I am not anyone's property and I sure as hell am not even Raphael's! I don't belong to anyone. I chose to be with Raphael. It is a mutual relationship based on trust and respect. I care very deeply for you Donnie, but what you have been doing to Raphael behind my back has to stop."

"Aww, isn't that just sweet? Fighting his battles for him, huh? Is he having trouble coming to talk to me himself?"

"Shut up, Donnie. Raphael could beat you into an inch of your life blindfolded and with one hand tied behind his back and you know it! He came to you multiple times for you to only turn your back on him and leave the room! You don't even give him a chance to explain himself! He feels so much guilt it's eating him alive! If you have a problem, you come to me! Don't you DARE take it out on him. This had nothing to do with him at all. I kissed you, Donnie. If you should be mad at anybody, it's me."

"Oh. Thank you so much, April. I actually have a right to be mad at you?"

"Don't give me that crap, Donnie. I already apologized."

"Aw, why isn't that nice? You're apologizing to me for taking advantage of my affections towards you and using them for your selfish gain as I go along with it like some trained poodle? And during it, I was working so hard to make things for you, you're sneaking around with Raphael behind my back the whole time? Oh, why thank you, April. That makes me feel so much better." Donnie sneered, his eyes more menacing than she'd ever seen before.

Before April realized what she was doing - she slapped him.

Donnie was more shocked than anything. His brown eyes were wide and hurt as he stared at the former object of his affections.

"How dare you... You think this was easy for me? Having to hide my feelings for Raphael because I knew how you'd feel about it? I hid my feelings for over a year and a half, Donnie. I never even would have pursued him had you not been fighting over me with Casey like I was some fucking piece of steak at a butcher block! If you want to blame anyone, blame yourself, Donatello, because I'm done. If you want to know who really made my realize I don't belong with you - look in the mirror." April seethed before turning around and heading toward the door.

Donnie was in front of her before she could walk three steps.

"Where do you think you're going!? We're not done! The only reason I was fighting with Casey is because I knew he was trouble! You should have seen the way he was looking at you! I was afraid, okay!?"

""Why!? You know I can damn well take care of myself!"

"I know that, April! I just - I finally believed that I was going to have a chance and be with someone and here comes along this weirdly attractive roguish human and suddenly, it becomes painfully clear of who you are - and what I am... But still, even when you had a chance with this human, you were still talking to me and making me feel special and... That I maybe - just maybe - had a chance...You made me believe that maybe someone as beautiful and wonderful as you could love me regardless of what I am..." Donnie said, the hitches in his voice punctuated with his hand helplessly waving between them before coming to rest on his chest.

April remained speechless, tears burning the back of her eyes as she stared at the one she still wanted to consider one of her dearest friends.

April didn't fail to notice the wobble in his lower lip when Donatello finally continued, "...Then you chose Raphael..."

A bitter laugh escaped the purple banded turtles lips as his eyes fell to his feet, "It was then I realized you didn't want me because of what I am...You just didn't want me... So, I took it out on Raph. I wanted to point out that he doesn't deserve you and could never feel the same about you that I did... That I still do..." Donnie finished as April witnessed twin trails of tears dripping from his down-turned face.

"Oh, Donnie..." April whispered, everything in her body wanting to go and comfort him.

"No. I don't want your pity."

"You have to believe me, Donnie. I never meant to hurt you... Please, just look at me... Please!" April begged, not bothering to hide the hitch in her voice.

Donnie's teary chocolate brown eyes met hers and she nearly broke. The fight from him was completely diminished, and now that his anger was gone, he just seemed so lost. His eyes red and teary and the bags underneath dark and out of place on his young face. He bore the scars of so much pain and heartache and it nearly tore her heart out to realize it was because of her.

"I may love Raphael, but I still love you too, Donnie. You're one of my best friends and I feel like I could tell you anything. We were so close that maybe I just didn't understand just how... How strong you really felt... and just how bad I hurt you - because that was never my intention. Maybe it was selfish of me to continue the charade, but Donnie, I never meant for it to happen this way, you need to believe that.

I miss you... I miss us... I miss what we had and I don't want to lose it. I want you to forgive me, I want to be your friend again - but I'm giving him up either, Donnie - and if you cared about me the way you say you do - you wouldn't ask that of me...

Donnie, I don't love you that way simply because Raph stole my heart first. It wasn't you. You are wonderful and I know you'll find someone that'll love you the way you deserve to be loved someday.

I'm sorry, Donnie...but it's just not me...

That doesn't mean I still can't love you too. I will always love you, my friend, even if you'll never forgive me. I understand if you never want to talk or even want to see me again...

I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry that I hurt you...and thank you, Donnie. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I can't even begin to repay you, but please, let me try. I just want my best friend back... I'm so sorry..." April sobbed, tears dripping down her face as she stared into Donnie's eyes.

It started with the barest flinch in his face before she saw a crack in his stony facade.

Before April realized what happened, Donnie had wrapped his arms around her. She sobbed into his plastron, her hands wrapping around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry too..." Donnie breathed against her hair.

It wasn't the moment that fixed everything, but at least it was a start...

"All done!" Donnie said happily, finishing taping up the last of the copper tubing.

April smiled at the obviously patched together machine, but knew it would run like new no matter what the outside appearance may otherwise display.

"Wow! You're a lifesaver, Donnie! Thank you so much!" April said, standing to her feet and hugging the turtle around his stomach.

"You're welcome, April. Anytime you need me, I'm here." Donnie replied, a soft smile on his lips.

"I know. Makes me happy to know that I can always count on you." April said, gently patting his plastron.

Donnie suddenly hugged her and she gladly returned it, squeezing him tightly. When he pulled away and looked at her seriously, she froze, wondering if he knew what she had been thinking about the whole time he'd been fixing her dad's machine.

"Your really should go in there and probably verbally forgive the destructive lug. This afternoon when he called me about breaking your dad's coffee machine, he sounded absolutely petrified. Raphael never sounds like that. I think you really scared him." Donnie said with a laugh, gesturing to the door of his lab.

"Yeah. He kinda was...and by the looks of things, now that it's fixed, I don't really have anything to be mad at him for. So, yeah, I guess forgiveness sounds good right about now. Heh. Thanks, Donnie." April said, hugging him quickly once more before gently grabbing the coffee machine.

"Anytime." Donnie said with a wave and a big gap toothed smile before he went back to working on his retro-mutagen.

April stood in the doorway for a moment looking at the purple-banded terrapin as he worked. The conversation flashing through her mind - the years he loved her - and when he finally let her go.

"Donnie?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm always here if you need me too." April said softly.

"I know. Thanks." Donnie replied with a smile, his eyes bright and clear.

April smiled back before quickly walking into the living room with the patched up machine. She almost laughed out loud when she saw Raphael sitting on the couch as stiff as a board. Placing down the machine on the kitchen counter, she faked anger as she walked over to her petrified boyfriend.

If at all possible, Raphael's eyes appeared larger, his pupil's mere pinpricks as he watched her approach.

April fought down a giggle as she watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as he gulped.

"Bad news, Raph..." April said sternly, her arms crossed tight across her chest.

"W-what?" Raphael muttered, his eyes as big as dinner plates..

Within seconds, she jumped on his lap and kissed him soundly, her arms easily wrapping around his neck. Raph quickly returned it before pulling away a moment later with a soft pop.

"Wait - b-but you said, it was bad news!" Raph stuttered angrily, his face a brilliant shade of red. April just sat atop his lap innocently, both arms still wrapped loosely around his neck.

"It is. Donnie was able to fix it so now I can't be mad at you anymore - and I can't force you to wear that sexy khaki jacket to go get me coffee." April said, punctuating her two points by poking his snout with a thin finger.

"What, you nearly gave me a heart attack when- wait...sexy?" Raph asked with a slightly smirk, his brow ridges furrowed.

"Yeah. Ya know, even with the moth-eaten holes and bad smell, it kinda just fits you." April smiled cheekily right before Raph stood up and plopped April on the floor, right on her ass.

"Where the heck are you going?!" April shouted to his back as Raphael walked away before quickly returning from his room with a huge water gun.

"I'll show you moth-eaten and bad smell." Raphael threatened, flashing a feral smile and cocking the water gun much to April's discomfort.

"No... No, Raphael... No. No! NO!" April screamed as she was pelted with a spray of cold water, which she sadly learned later on was from the sewer.

"I'm gonna kill you!" April shouted, running after the red-banded turtle across the expanse of the lair as said turtle just roared with laughter, easily outrunning her.

Donatello watched silently from the door, a soft smile on his face as he witnessed their shenanigans.

"Well, what do you know? Those two were made for each other." Donnie said with a chuckle before closing his lab door with a smile on his face.