Chapter 1: Changes
Edward's patience reminded me of a leaky faucet, trickling away drop by drop. I was absolutely certain that he would eventually cease to see reason and put his own foot down. I had already asked him to make enough concessions that I wasn't sure if I could take Jacob's side anymore. Over the years, I had failed to take an immediate stance on Edward's side and that now shamed me.
If I didn't know Jacob so well, I would have allowed Rosalie and Edward to launch him over the river like a furry discus. Had Jacob been some stranger among the Quileute natives, I would never have gone for this or shown the amount of understanding that I force myself to display. We would have moved and flown Charlie to wherever we chose to take up our new residence, visiting my dad every weekend or purchasing the necessary tickets to come to us. We could afford it. A plane flight every weekend was nothing.
Rosalie thought that we were too kind and had gone above and beyond the call of duty. I knew that she would have never humored his fixation for so long, often calling the imprinting a "magical mutt obsession" that needed to end. Edward agreed, and I knew that the other Cullens were beginning to feel minute amounts of unease. Renesmee was our child and neither I nor Edward should feel obligated to take so much possession of her—not after what I had gone through to bring her into the world. I had undertaken a large amount of suffering to see my little girl live but that wasn't the source of my selfish inclination to take some kind of action.
"Mama! I enjoyed myself so much at school!" My child slammed into me. I would have given a soft, muted 'oof' sound if I could be injured by the collision. Renesmee had flown into the open driver's door and almost onto my lap, hugging me tightly. When we arrived at Fork's Elementary, Edward slipped from the driver's seat to open the rear door, but Renesmee would hear none of it. After giving her father a hug, she had dove inside to squeeze me as well. She was almost on my lap and seemed content.
Too big to sit on my lap. Too old. My Renesmee was growing too fast, and in some ways, I doubted that she was able to mature emotionally at a rate proportionate to her enhanced aging. Her intelligence was at a genius level but she still behaved as any normal kid would. All of her gifts and powers would not prepare her emotionally for adulthood, despite her body's unwanted changes. She was doomed to become a sixteen year old child. Edward taught her languages, Alice showed her fashion, Rosalie allowed her to help with the maintenance of the vehicles, and Emmett taught her to fight. None of them could teach Renesmee the maturity she would need to appear to be an adult and to face the magical force behind Jacob's love.
During the ride home she was bursting with stories and tales of her first day of complete immersion in human territory without one of us hovering protectively over her shoulder. We knew from excited touches that Renesmee had done a splendid job of upholding the secrecy that shrouded our true nature from human beings. Our daughter had done nothing to ruin the masquerade. The worries of the Volturi were proven to be unfounded.
We laughed at the funny parts, listened intently to descriptions that were accompanied by visuals, and were thrilled to know she had made friends. Some of these new acquaintances were the younger siblings of students that attended high school with me. I told her to invite home any of her new friends. I saw Edward smile out of the corner of my eye.
When we arrived, Jacob was waiting on the porch. I knew that the other members of the pack weren't around today when I couldn't smell their lupine presence nearby or hear the wet sound of living heart beats. On days like these, Leah would occasionally arrive to check in with him, or he would be left completely alone. The fear that spread like wildfire through La Push was completely smothered now that we were no longer enemies and the truce was upheld again.
Edward pulled in front of the house to park, but the Volvo hadn't even made a complete stop when Renesmee threw open the rear driver's side door and leapt out. She was at the porch in an instant. I frowned. Edward's hands tightened on the steering wheel and his expression darkened. I sometimes wondered if we were merely envious of the hold that Jacob had over her. He was her very best friend. Sometimes I could see the hurt written so plainly in Edward's face that it wounded me too. There was a time where Jacob and I were neck and neck when it came to Renesmee's affections but I hadn't felt victorious. I felt sick to my stomach.
I loved Jake so much that I couldn't think clearly. I didn't want to hurt him, but I could only imagine that somehow, at some point, I had to let him know how I felt. Until now, I was pressured to turn the other cheek to this, forced by the misguided belief that Jacob was good for Renesmee. Theirbond was now something which we only tolerated awkwardly through clenched teeth and tight fists. How did Claire's parents feel about Quil? I wondered if they ever thought they should kick him out of the house to find a real babysitter that wouldn't want to court their daughter in fifteen years.
Something has to be done about this, Edward. The innate ability that concealed my mind from Edward was pushed aside, discarded as if it were a blanket to lift away. I saw him nod quietly. He isn't healthy for her. Another nod. Edward and I began communicating this way shortly after I perfected my talent for lowering my own mental defenses. It was a great time-saver that allowed me to share my thoughts and memories with Edward whenever I needed, abolishing further misinterpretation of my feelings. I still had my privacy whenever I wanted it but I could also show my husband how truly happy I was with him.
Jacob was obliviously residing in his own little world where only my three year old daughter could exist. I wondered if Charlie felt this way years ago when I was a seventeen year old girl hopelessly in love with her boyfriend. Edward had become everything to me, and had occupied every facet of my life outside of school. After the Cullen family left Forks, I became a shell of my former self and moved like a shadow through life, wounded so deeply that only Jacob could restore my spirit. I realized how much I had indirectly hurt Charlie then by forcing him to watch my heartache and suffering. Had our love really been any different?
Yes. It was completely different, I chided myself immediately, reminded that Renesmee wasn't even near adulthood for a half-breed or a normal human child. I hadn't exactly been a normal human teenager either. I was meant for this life. Even Carlisle had once told me that he wondered if I had been born more genetically compatible for vampirism. Billy Black had a theory that some individuals were the subject of imprint due to a higher compatibility for growing werewolves. Couldn't it be possible that this was true for vampires, that some of us were stronger and faster for a reason? Rosalie was skeptical, as vampirism had only magnified her beauty and vanity. Vampirism had done more for Edward, Alice, Jasper, and even me than it had for Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie. We felt divided about Emmett who had been very strong in life and was perhaps the strongest vampire we knew now. Did his brawny build count?
There was Renesmee, who inherited our powers. Those were powers that I possessed even in life—but according to Edward, I had originally inherited them from Charlie. I wondered now if changing Charlie would result in two vampires possessing shield traits. I never wanted to find out, but it was a theory that Carlisle took a great interest in. Perhaps some humans were simply genetically predisposed toward becoming vampires.
This was the life that I was born for. I couldn't say that I was meant to fall in love with Edward Cullen, but vampiric life suited me so well that I couldn't imagine living my dull, dreary human life to its end anymore. Remaining human to marry Jacob, to become mother to his children, and living a short but pleasant life seemed laughable now.
It hurt me to take such a step toward hypocrisy but it was what I believed was best for my child. Jake would be destroyed by her removal from his life, but we had to give Renesmee a fighting chance to move forward without a predetermined mate looming over her head like a guillotine. The future wasn't set in stone.
Or was it? Edward had refused to acknowledge that Alice's vision of my future showed red eyes and flawless, ivory skin. Despite all of Edward's trouble and effort, here I stand as a member of the undead. I wasn't entirely positive that I still believed that the future could be thwarted and that destiny was not some all-powerful, unstoppable force. I wanted to find a way to stop it, a way to cancel the imprinting and restore Jacob's free will to leave my daughter.
***
"Scotland," Emmett suggested while slouching back even further in his chair, both of his large, muscular arms folded behind his head and rippling with corded bands of thick muscle. Edward looked like a child beside him, so lanky and boyish by comparison that I doubted he could ever claim to be older than his mid-twenties. Emmett was large enough that he could almost claim the same age as Carlisle, who was pushing his mid-thirties now at Forks Community Hospital.
"There's always Ireland," Jasper added in his deep voice.
Lately, I had taken to scrutinizing the features of his brothers, measuring his youthful features against those of the two elder members of the coven. How old could we claim to be—how long could we stay in a new town if we were to move again and again? Would I too, be doomed to a miserable life of matriculating from one institution to the next?
I would do it, but I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be pleased to work so hard to get out of high school, only to re-enroll again years later so that I might remain in some new town for another ten years, as opposed to moving away after five before neighbors caught on to our never changing appearances.
The Cullen family was divided. Renesmee fell asleep earlier than usual to rest for school, so Edward and I met the rest of the family at the big white mansion, leaving our child behind to sleep. We weren't afraid that anything would happen to Renesmee in the short time that our coven would convene at the mansion. Edward's listening abilities extended far, leaving him capable of hearing thoughts of any approaching intruders. Our daughter was safe.
"Then it's decided. At the end of the school term, we will take residence in Ireland," Carlisle stated while wearing a very thoughtful expression. He wanted this transition to be painless for Renesmee. I didn't think that painless was possible for either my daughter or me.
"Why wait?" Rosalie cut in. "Why should we put it off? If we are going to move, we should leave as soon as possible," she said eagerly, perhaps a little too enthused by the potential escape from Jacob. "We do have our house near Dublin."
It felt very surreal to me. Forks had become my home and felt as comfortable to me as Phoenix had. Could I feel this way about a third home, then a fourth, and a fifth, as we moved on from town to town to safeguard our secret? I would have to. It was time to move on from the second home I had ever known. Instinctively, I looked at Alice, awaiting her response or some sort of vision to save us from making a terrible mistake. Unfortunately, the addition of Renesmee to this equation seemed to completely negate Alice's ability to make predictions.
"Bella, won't you give your opinion?" Edward prodded gently. All eyes were brought to me again, Carlisle's soft and compassionate. Esme's were concerned, worried, and filled with motherly love for me. Rosalie was impatient, Jasper indifferent, and Emmett was bored.
I didn't know if I could leave Charlie and Renee behind by moving thousands of miles away, separating myself from my parents by an ocean. "Is there anywhere else in America?" I asked reluctantly, putting on my most hopeful expression. All members of the Cullen family were looking at me and I had no doubt that some believed I was behaving foolishly. Childishly. We couldn't keep Renee and Charlie in our lives forever. Sooner or later, one of them would realize that we weren't aging anymore. How long could we pass that off as Carlisle performing excellent cosmetic care. Never mind the fact that I had gone nearly my entire life without picking up a makeup kit, and clearly didn't give my appearance any thought. The Bella that my friends and family knew would never go under the knife to preserve her looks.
"I know that I'll have to let them go one day," I explained. "But can't that wait until it's necessary?"
Carlisle was sympathetic and Esme's empathic expression conveyed the compassion she felt for me. She didn't want me to suffer. I also knew that she had made a sort of kinship with Renee over the years, beginning with my wedding. Esme couldn't bear to take another mother's child away.
"Alaska," Esme offered wisely in compromise.
"Again?" Rosalie sniffed in disgust.
"We have a plan," Alice chimed in suddenly, though she had been completely silent until now. Alaska was safe. We had Alice's approval. Despite Renesmee's presence, she saw through to our destination and gave me a cheerful smile.
***
I should have nothing to fear from the man that had been my best friend. I knew of his loving nature and protective qualities. I knew that he had cared for me so deeply that he would have married me in a heartbeat and given me a…litter of happy, brown-skinned children that were warm, soft, and exceptionally average. As surely as I knew that Jacob was a good man, I also knew of his manipulative ways. I abhorred the thought of Renesmee becoming a martyr that stepped up to accept the role that I could not. She would not become Jacob's one and only simply because this was the way the werewolf gods had decreed it to be. If she refused him, Jacob would surely pull out whatever tricks he could to get her to see that he was best for her. His promises that all he cared about were her happiness weren't enough to assuage Edward, whose memory was unforgiving and cold. Their camaraderie ended when our child was at stake.
"She's a child, Bella. How could you think that I'd feel that way about a little girl? All that I want is her happiness. I want that as much as you want it, as much as Edward wants it. There's nothing s—" He couldn't utter the word. I couldn't blame him. Everyone in the werewolf pack and vampire coven knew that wasn't what drew Jacob to my daughter. "--Bad about what I feel for Renesmee, and I thought you understood that. You think I'm not safe with her?"
"That's not it, Jacob, and you know it." I nearly hissed, taking offense to his tone. He was wounded, which made me feel immensely guilty. I did not want to feel guilty right now, nor did I want to provide Jacob with an edge. "She's aging so rapidly, Jacob. The way that you feel now isn't how you will feel when she appears to be as old as me. Can you honestly look at me and say that you won't feel compelled tolove her?" There was a touch of emphasis to my voice to illustrate that I meant the word in more than one way.
Jacob's expression instantly transitioned from pained mortification to rage. "THAT'S SICK, BELLA!"
"It's realistic!" I yelled back in a voice that wasn't nearly as intimidating as his roared baritone.
"How?!" His hands were clenched, veins standing prominent in hard-muscled forearms. Edward was there in an instant, Jasper and Emmett standing at the front door, still within the house. They were both waiting for a signal. I could sense them, an indirect facet of my powers that allowed me to guard those around me, bringing them under the cloak of my mental shield.
Edward chose this moment to interject with his own commentary. "She won't appear to be a child forever, Jacob, and you've said it yourself that no female can resist the allure of an imprinting. That no one has wanted to--that their will is taken away as much as the Quileute that imprints. Tell me, Jacob, of all the others that have imprinted, has anyone told them no? And if she should disregard your love, won't you pursue her with the same relentless dedication that haunted Bella?"
Haunted. Edward had a way with words. Haunted was entirely how I felt during those months when I wanted to love Edward and be with only him. Jacob wouldn't allow that, playing on my emotions and selfless need to see him happy as well. I swallowed unnecessarily and lowered my chin, both habits left from my former life as a human. I could no longer blush and it took these slight nuances to determine that I had become embarrassed.
"That was only because of Renesmee!" Jacob argued back hotly. "She wasn't born yet, but it was her that brought me and Bella together. You're at fault as much as I am for what we put Bella through—"
Edward wasn't hearing it. His eyes were cold and his jaw was set. It had taken months of this before I saw the kind of response that my husband displayed now. The last threads of his patience finally ripped. He knew what he was to blame for, he had apologized again and again for the pain that I endured during our separation. Jacob may have filled that empty, bleak hole left behind when the Cullen family left Forks, but he didn't have the right to rub Edward's nose in it as if he were a naughty puppy.
"That reason is precisely why I want you away from our child, mongrel. If you would do that to Bella due to Renesmee's unborn influence, then what will you do to my daughter?"
Jacob was taken aback by the accusation. His features were no longer hardened, but there was a wide-eyed, helpless look to his face that made the use of Edward's powers unnecessary. Our prospective departure from Forks was imminent and there was nothing he could do about it. I couldn't look at him anymore, but I felt Edward's hand against mine, his long fingers clasping over my ivory digits. Edward was privy to those thoughts, to the powerless anxiety Jacob faced, knowing that his days with Renesmee were now numbered the way that the days of my own life had been numbered before her conception. I did not envy Edward at that moment if Jacob's mind mirrored his anguished expression.
We were standing on the lawn of the beautiful Cullen home; the three story ivory manor was a testament to Esme's wonderful restorative and artistic skill. Esme had only returned that night from an impromptu visit to Thorne Bay, Alaska to not only secure property, but to begin the first stages of renovation for a new home. Or set of homes. Rosalie and Emmett planned to join us as a married couple, just as Edward and I would continue as newlyweds. Jasper and Alice were the only ones who didn't feel the need to tie the knot again in this particular 'life'. I should never have been surprised to find out everyone had already married at least once. Rosalie had put Emmett through several lavish affairs whenever they chose to become publically known as man and wife while everyone else was apparently satisfied with only one wedding. Carlisle and Esme always began as a married couple, while sometimes Jasper and Alice simply cut to the chase and did the same. Due to Alice's petite frame, pixie-like build and youthful features, it was rare that anyone ever knew her as Alice Whitlock because it would be as scandalous as my early marriage to Edward. Who allowed that sixteen year old to marry a grown man!? I could hear the gasps of shock and controversy.
The other members of the Cullen family were now present. Lurking on the edge of the grounds, I could smell several members of the wolf pack. Leah was standing completely still and Seth was pacing. They were all listening to the confrontation that had interrupted Jacob's usual evening visit. Expecting this, Rosalie and Renesmee were away in Seattle.
"I guess…" Jacob was faltering, he swallowed, and his features were pinched and pained by the realization. I could hear the racing of his heart and the quickening speed, I knew the anxiety he suffered and ached for him. "I guess that it doesn't matter what I say anymore. You've already made up your minds, but think of what this is gonna do to Nessie."
"We've thought of it. A heroin addict doesn't want to be separated from his supply, but it is what's good for him." I hated myself for saying the words. "Jacob Black, you're my friend, my best friend, but I don't want this for my daughter."
"You're a hypocrite, Bella." Expecting those words didn't make it sting any less. Fortunately, I had a response.
"Edward may not have been healthy for me but I wasn't a three year old child. I wasn't raised by him. Even more importantly, Jacob, I had a choice!"
Jacob burst out of his clothing, but it wasn't in an aggressive stance towards any of us. Instinctively, Edward stepped in front of me, ready to drop into a protective crouch. A bit of Jacob's shoe hit the porch, and a button from his shirt rolled across pavement as shoe laces snapped and popped from splitting sneakers unable to contain large human-skull sized wolf paws. I saw all of this in slow motion with clarity that my human eyes never possessed. The wolf that had stood there was gone faster than my human eyes would have processed. The rest of the pack followed.
"He will forgive you," Edward assured me gently when I continued to stare toward the trees long after the wolves were gone. "He didn't lie when he said that he cares about Renesmee's happiness. Hating you would make Renesmee unhappy. It would hurt her more."
Edward's logic wasn't off-base, but it made me feel sick to my stomach. Not literally, anyway. I couldn't feel nausea anymore, not really—the closest I had come to that was when I had tried to eat human food. Charlie and I had taken in dinner together with Renesmee one evening a month ago. I couldn't refuse him, nor could I simply tell Charlie that I no longer needed that kind of sustenance. I choked it all down with false enthusiasm. The garden burger was tasteless and bland like a slick clump of clay, the bread tasted like Styrofoam, and the ketchup was tomato colored mud that slid down my throat. It wasn't until we were leaving Charlie's a half hour later that it hit me. I hit the brakes and pulled the Volvo onto the side of the road, I threw open the door and began to choke and heave. My stomach cramped and churned until every ounce of the vile mess came up.
"It feels so wrong to separate them… I thought that… I thought that this would give us peace, that I would feel better."
"It's the right thing to do, Bella. She deserves a chance to love whoever she wants to without it being decided for her at birth."
"You're right," I agreed, forcing an insincere smile. Edward could see right through me. At his disapproving expression, I gave up and sighed, leaning against him for a hug. We remained that way until Renesmee and Rosalie returned an hour later from Seattle. Neither of us wanted the responsibility of announcing to her that we would be moving away from the only home she had ever known, but we had decided to take on this task together. It didn't help that Emmett and Jasper had each returned with rental Uhauls. When the Cullen family fled Forks for my safety years ago, practically all of their belongings were left abandoned in the beautiful white manor, but this time, Esme and Alice were intent upon removing their favorite objects. Esme had several prized pieces of furniture which she had hopes of taking with her. Alice had a closet space that could rival a department store and was unwilling to leave it all behind again. There was finality to her decision to remove her excessively large wardrobe that brought chills to my spine. Had Alice seen something that she wasn't telling me? Did she know that we would not be returning to the overcast little town of Forks again in the immediate future?