As always Stephanie Meyers owns everything.
Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. Edward'me is moving and so am I. She will not be able to post for another 2 weeks, but I didn't want to make you wait any longer. Hope you enjoy.
13. WHAT DO I KNOW?
Lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and went over everything that happened in the last 15 minutes. How had that happened? I'm not gay. Jesus, why couldn't I just accept that?
Because, if you weren't gay you wouldn't be kissing another guy, that's why!
Damn it! I wished my brain would just shut up sometimes. I knew all of that. I have thought about that endlessly, and yet, here I am still trying to deny it.
Just say it already!
I'm gay!
There, I said it, are you happy now? Does that make you feel better?
I'm gay!
I'm gay!
I'm gay!
… well, maybe I'm bi!
Shit! Stop it now! I yelled at myself.
All right, I admitted it, I said it to myself, now what? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? Do I want to have a boyfriend? Do I want that boyfriend to be Jasper? And, what was with him leaving the way he did?
…cause you practically threw him out!
Did I? I didn't even say anything to him.
Exactly… now what are you going to do?
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock on my door. Learning my lesson earlier when Jasper showed up here, I got up from the bed and went to the door. The knocking started up again as I turned the knob and flung the door open.
"What?" I snapped.
There in the hall stood poor little Alice with a shocked expression on her face, which quickly turned to anger.
"Dinner's ready. What's the matter with you?" she hissed at me.
"Nothing, I'm sorry I snapped at you," I offered.
"What's wrong with you lately? You don't seem like yourself?" she asked.
"Nothing, everything is fine. Let's go have dinner," I said, leaving my room and shutting the door.
We headed into the dinning room and sat at the table. Both my mother and Carlisle and were already sitting in their seats waiting on us. I sat down and glanced around the table to see everyone was staring at me. I looked down at my plate and began eating hoping they would follow suit. No such luck.
"Edward dear, is everything all right?" my mother asked.
"Everything is fine," I answered quickly, but refused to look up.
Dinner was a quiet event as everyone began eating. The tension in the air was thick and I could still feel Esme's and Carlisle's eyes on me every few minutes. I couldn't bear to look at them because if I did I knew they would see through my façade. I just wanted dinner to be over with and to be out from under their gazes. Finally, I looked up and sure enough, their eyes were still on me. Call it a moment of weakness, call it idiocy, call it whatever you want, I still couldn't explain what happened in the moment. The only thing I knew for certain was that I had completely lost my mind, looked right at my mother and blurted out the first words that filtered through my head.
"I'm gay," I blurted out.
My mother, the ever positive and always loving person answered with the last thing I expected to hear.
"That's nice, that you finally figured it out. Now finish your peas, dear," she said with a smile.
Finish my peas! Was that all she had to say? No yelling, no tears, no telling me I was wrong, that she couldn't have a son who was gay. I'm certain my expression was written all over my face as I looked away from my mother to look at Carlisle. He had a knowing smirk on his face as he shook his head from side to side. My last stop was Alice, who was smiling ear to ear. What's wrong with these people? Aren't they the least bit concerned with the revelation I just revealed to them.
"Do you like Jasper?" my sister asked. "He's gay too you know?" she said.
"How do you know Jasper's gay?" I asked my nine-year-old sister.
She shouldn't know about these things. Should she?
"Come on, Edward, it is sooo… obvious," she said as she rolled her eyes, "besides, he told me," she added as she shrugged her shoulders.
"What? He just told you?" I asked shocked he would tell a mere child something like that.
"Well, yeah. It's no big deal. I asked him and he told me," she said matter of factly.
"That's not something he should be telling a child," I mumbled to myself.
"I am not a child!" Alice yelled.
"Alice, no shouting, dear," my mother spoke up finally.
No shouting. Was she serious? That's all she had to say. Did she have nothing to say about my sexual orientation at all? I stared at her waiting for the moment that this would sink in. Finally, when I had given up all hope that my mother would finally say something about my outburst, she speaks.
"Jasper will be joining us tomorrow," she stated.
"Excuse me," I blurted out, bewildered by her lack of thoughts on my sexual status.
"He said he would join us tomorrow," she said as she waved her hand at me. "Is that a problem?" she asked raising her eyebrow.
"No… no problem," I said huffing out a breath of air.
"Are you sure, you seem upset?" she asked.
"I'm not upset, just a little surprised. I know how he feels about crowds," I said attempting to mask my expression.
"Well, I told him that there would be areas where he wouldn't feel so crowded, if need be. His doctor thought it was a good idea for him to get out more, try to be near people, and since she's going to be there too, she thought this would be a good start," my mother explained.
His Doctor? I forgot he was going to the doctor. I wonder what they told him. Did they make a diagnosis, maybe figure out what is wrong with him? Is he definitely schizophrenic or is it something else? Now I feel like the biggest asshole for not even mentioning it to him when he was here.
"Edward, did you hear me?" my mother's voice brought me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah, I heard you. I hope they're right about him getting out more. I've seen how he can react when there are a lot of people are around. It isn't pretty," I mumbled.
"Well, perhaps you can help him out," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled.
How would I help him? Especially after what happened earlier in my room. Would he even want to see me again? The thought of not seeing him again saddened me. That's not how I wanted this to go, although I knew I would see him again, I mean, we did go to school together. But, that's not enough. I not only wanted to see him at school, I could admit that now. I wanted to see Jasper, all the time. There I said it, now if I can only say it out-loud, to other people, mainly Jasper.
"I suppose you could stick by him, make sure he's having a good time. But most of all, make sure people don't crowd him," my mother said with a smile.
"I suppose I could do that," I offered. "May I be excused?" I asked wanting to get out of here.
"Of course, dear," my mother smiled again.
I looked at Carlisle who was sitting at the other end of the table still sporting an all-knowing smile on his face. I wanted to wipe that smile right off. I wondered how long he suspected I was gay? I wondered how long my mother suspected? All of these thoughts were burning in my mind. The thought of my parents sitting around discussing my love life was not pleasant and I needed to escape this room.
I stood up from the table, picking up my plate and glass making my way to the kitchen to put them in the sink. Finally, I could avoid their gazes and thoughts in my room and maybe figure out what the hell was going on with me.
I told my parents and sister I was gay. How could I do that? And, what was with them all-acting like that was no big surprise? That was a surprise to me as I had only ever dated girls for Christ sake's. I had never even been attracted to guys before. Okay, I'm still not attracted to guys, per se, only one guy. What is with that anyway? If I am gay then how could I not like other guys? Maybe I do. Perhaps I've just been hiding it. That can't be, I've known Robert most of my life and I can honestly say I'm not attracted to him, at all. That goes for all of my other friends too. When I think of them there's nothing, not one ounce of attraction.
Okay, maybe my friends aren't good examples. Maybe I should think of someone else. Well, if I'm being completely honest, there was one guy who was at one of my karate competitions that was attractive, but I'm almost positive that was because he was excellent. I loved the way he could perform with such ease and his movements were almost graceful. Graceful… yep, I'm gay for sure. Who thinks a guy moves gracefully?
Now that I have that all sorted out and I'm officially out of the closet, what the hell am I going to do about all of this? More importantly, what am I going to do about Jasper? I was pretty shitty to him tonight. He showed up here for a reason and I'm almost positive it wasn't to make out with me. Okay, so that was probably a plus to him, until I started freaking out and acting like a jerk. I'll have to think of a way to fix this because I don't want him to hate me and I sure don't want to go back to the way things were before we started our project. And, speaking of said project, I really need to do some work on that, too. God, my life is just getting more complex by the day.
Taking a seat at the desk, I resolved to speak to Jasper tomorrow when we were in public place, with a lot of witnesses, I mean, people around. Yeah, that's right I'm a chicken, and I can admit it freely. I could call him tonight, but knowing from past experience that he was not an ideal conversationalist on the phone, I would much rather speak to him in person, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Pulling out my schoolbooks, I opened my binder and began working on my script.
Blank… that's exactly what my mind became the minute I attempted to write anything for this script. The only things flashing through my mind are the scene's that Jasper wrote for our project. I know he was only trying to get on my nerves, but with my new revelations, I can think of nothing else except Jasper. Damn, how am I going to function if I can't even clear my mind of him? I hope after I talk to him tomorrow and clear up our misunderstanding that I'll be able to concentrate on other things, like this project that isn't going to finish itself.
Giving up I finally retired to bed for the evening. Tomorrow would be a new day and hopefully everything would return to normal. Okay not normal, per se, because before all of this started I actually thought I was straight and apparently I'm not, but normal as in my brain can function without every thought having to pertain to Jasper. He was the last thought in my head as I fell into darkness.
Amongst the wonderful dream I was lost in I heard this incestuous screeching pulling me from my peaceful slumber. I attempted to ignore the awful high pitched squealing, but it was no use as it just got louder and louder until it was directly beside me and was now shaking me. Groaning I rolled over and peeled one eye open. Standing there with the brightest smile on her face was my sister.
"Well it's about time I've been calling you for five minutes now," she said bouncing with excitement.
Groaning again I rolled back over and pulled the blanket over my head.
"Leave me alone, Alice," I whimpered.
"No, Mom says it's time to get up, so get up," she said as she pulled the blanket from my grasp.
"I don't want to, go away," I returned.
"Come on, Edward. You're going to make us late, so move it," she said shaking me again. "Besides, Jasper will be here soon. Do you really want him to see you when you first wake up?" she asked giggling.
"I'm up. Get out," I answered not so nicely.
"Fine," she began to walk to the door, "but when he gets here, I'm letting him up here so he can see how horrible you really are," she said as she shut me door.
I rolled back over and sat up placing my feet on the floor. Glancing at my alarm clock, it told me just how early it really was. Oh my god, 8:00 am was just criminal on a Saturday morning, have these people no shame. Is it not bad enough I have to wake up early Monday to Friday? Did they really feel the need to impose on my weekends waking me up at these ungodly hours, seriously? Placing the heels of my palms to my eyes I attempted to rub away some of the nights leftovers. Thinking of last night, I was overcome with emotions, my admission to my parents, my sisters thoughts about Jasper, and finally what happened with Jasper and I.
The morning brought a sense of regret. I felt guilty for what happened with Jasper and was not looking forward to apologizing. Really, was it me that should apologize, or should Jasper be the one doing the apologizing. I mean, I had already told him plenty of times that I was not gay, so he shouldn't be surprised by my reaction. Okay, yeah, I was receptive to him and kissed him back, but did he expect that it would be that easy. Did he really think I would just change my mind and fall all over him? If he did, he would be sadly mistaken. Alright, so maybe I'm full of shit, but I am scared and confused, and I'm also excited because he made me feel things I've never felt before. No one would call me a ladies man, but I have dated a few girls and I've never felt what I had with Jasper. Shit! What was I going to do? How would I make this right with him?
"Edward, are you up?" I heard my mother yell from downstairs.
"Yes, I'm up," I yelled back.
Getting up I dragged myself to the bathroom and began my morning routine. Once finished I returned to my room to dress for the day. Standing in my closet, I couldn't decide what to wear. This had never happened to me before, I never had a problem dressing myself for Christ's sake! I wanted to look good, but didn't want to appear as if I tried to hard. Now I sounded like a girl. What the hell is the matter with me? Deciding I had enough shit to worried about I reached out and pulled the first shirt I grabbed and a pair of pants to go with it.
After I was done battling my inner demons and had myself presentable enough to face society, I made my way down stairs for breakfast. Grabbing a bowl, spoon and a box of cereal, which I promptly filled my bowl with, I opened the fridge to retrieve the milk and sat down at the counter to eat. My mother and sister were nowhere to be found, but I could hear them shuffling around the house attempting to ready themselves, I supposed. I finished my breakfast, put my bowl in the sink and the milk back in the fridge. I heard my mother shouting from the front hallway.
"Let's go, Edward," she called and I heard the front door open.
"I'm coming," I called back and made my way through the hall.
Arriving at the front door, it was left open, but Alice and my Mother were gone. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my jacket and shut the door on my way out. I set the alarm and made my way to the car. I froze in my tracks when I saw something moving in the back seat. I didn't move for a few minutes, until my mother starting saying something to me from the drivers seat.
"Edward, get in," she called.
My mind was swirling wondering what was going on. How had I forgotten that he was coming with us? I didn't know what to do or say? Should I just act natural like nothing happened? Would he be mad at me? Would he even talk to me? I stood still staring at him as he was laughing at something Alice had said. I shook my head and began moving to the car door. Reaching out to open it, I realized my hand was shaking. Damn it how does he do that? Does he even know that he does it? I opened the door shook my hand out and folded myself into the car. I peered straight ahead for a moment, and then quickly looked at him.
He sat straight with his eyes forward and a stanch look on his face. He hadn't moved a muscle. I don't even think he was blinking. Mad. That was the expression across his face, in fact, he looked down right pissed off that was for sure. It was quite a contrast to seeing him laughing with Alice a minute ago. As I looked closer at his face, he turned his head to peer out his window and pulled his trademark hoodie over his face so I couldn't see him, or he couldn't see me… whatever the case may be. I stared for a few more minutes silently as we drove through the streets of town. Finally, when I couldn't take the silence any longer I let out an exaggerated sigh. Jasper snapped his head in my direction and raised his eyebrow at me. I let my head drop and started at my lap.
Alice broke the silence in the car by tuning on the radio, and then started talking.
"Today is going to be so much fun…" she said excitedly bouncing in her seat. "Wait until you see all the fun stuff to do, Jasper," she turned to look at him, as did I.
He had a smile on his face as he regarded her.
"I hope so," is all he said.
Alice began ranting about… whatever, I wasn't listening. I was too busy watching him, attempting to figure out how I could fix things with him. Would a simply apology be enough? He didn't seem the type to accept an apology that easy. Would I have to do some grand gesture so he wouldn't be mad at me anymore? I hoped not, I seriously wasn't the grand gesture type, in case you may have not noticed I'm a bit on the shy side. I would never have the balls to declare something so personal in front of witnesses, or I mean, people. I really hope that's not what it was going to take to get him to start talking to me again. I really wish he would talk to me again, I also wish he would… well; I guess one thing at a time.
We arrived at the park as others were beginning to filter in. There was plenty to help out with, which kept Jasper and I pretty busy for the first hour we were here. As the crowd started to get thick, I looked around and saw Jasper beginning to move down to the end of the park, opposite to where everything was happening. I could tell he was growing wary with how many people that were showing up so I followed him to make sure he was alright. I also thought this would be my chance to talk to him alone. He stopped at the edge of the forest and lean against a big old tree.
I stopped for a moment to observe him. He stood with his hands in is pockets, his head down and that stupid hoodie pulled over him. It was evident that he was hiding, but was he hiding from me or everyone else that was here? He looked so sad and lost and my heart ached for him. I watched him for a few more moments before I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to him. Just as I began to move in his direction, I heard someone call my name and spun around to see who it was.
"Edward my man, wait up," Robert called out.
"Hey, how you doing?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Good, good," he said as he caught up with me. "Where you heading?" he asked.
"Nowhere," I offered a little too quickly.
Robert quirked an eyebrow at me. "Really, cause you look like you were headed over to see Jasper," he stated.
Busted! Great! "Well… I was just…" I thought for a moment for a good reason to be talking to Jasper. "I was going to talk to him about our project," I said.
Robert raised both his eyebrows challenging me. I could feel my face flaming, so I knew I was turning red and needed to change the subject quick.
"Did you just get here?" I asked.
"Yeah, my mom was running late this morning. I've got to get back and help her set up, but I'll see you around later," he said as he turned to leave.
Well that was awkward. That was the first time I had thought about what would happen when everyone found out I was gay. Seeing my best friends reaction just now was giving me the creeps. He acted as if he already knew what was going on with Jasper and me. Did that mean everyone knew? Christ, I don't want to think about all of that yet. I have enough to worry about without adding that to the mix.
Turning around I saw Jasper was staring in my direction. I started walking towards him, but he began turning towards the forest away from me. This was going to be harder than I thought.
"Jasper," I called out.
He stopped, but didn't turn around. I moved faster coming right up behind him.
"Jasper," I repeated quieter this time.
He spun around and stared at me, anger clear on his face.
"What do you want, Edward?" he growled at me.
God, he's really hot when he's angry, and the way he says my name… Ugh, stop that thought and get your head out of the clouds. Fix this! Now!
"Jasper, I just wanted to say… uh, I wanted to tell you… oh hell, I'm sorry," I said dropping my chin to my chest and looking at the ground.
"What?" he asked with a slight edge to his voice.
I peeked up at him and his face was beginning to soften. That's when I knew I had him, well as much as I could have him anyway. I could tell that he would forgive me, but I still didn't know where we stood.
"I'm sorry, okay. I'm so sorry," I pleaded with him staring into his eyes.
His face completely relaxed along with his body. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran them over his face. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, a minute ago I thought he would accept my apology, but now he seemed as if he was going to freak out on me. I stood as still as a statue waiting for him to reply.
Finally, he removed his hands from his face and stared at me.
"You're sorry for what, Edward?" he asked.
I thought for a moment, wandering what else I had done to him besides last night. There wasn't anything else I could think of that I would have to apologized for, besides the incident last night. What else could there be? Before I had a chance to say anything, he spoke again.
"For making me feel like shit last night? For making me think that I took advantage of you?" he spit out with venom in his voice.
What? Taking advantage of me, where did he get such a crazy idea like that? What the hell did that mean anyways? How would he take advantage of me, I'm 6"2 and he's 5 foot nothing, if anyone took advantage of anyone it would have to be me, right?
"Or are you saying sorry for all the times you didn't talk to me before and treated me like a freak? Which is it, Edward? What exactly are you sorry for?" he ranted.
What the hell was all of that? Okay, I admit that I never spoke to him before, but that was normal for him… no one spoke to him, unless they were telling him off. As for treating him like a freak, I never… well, maybe once or twice, but that wasn't the point here. What was the point again? Oh yeah… last night.
"I'm sorry for last night, Jasper. I know I was a jerk and I know I should have said something to last night, but please believe me when I say I'm so sorry," I sighed trying to think of something else to say. Something that would make sense to him. "Look, I freaked out, I admit it and I'm sorry. This…" I waved my hand between us, "is new for me, I'm just trying to figure out what is going on with me," I offered.
"And what is going on with you?" he asked me.
"I don't know," I whispered.
He looked straight into my eyes and then shook his head.
"Not good enough, Edward," he said as he turned to leave, but I grabbed his arm.
"Jasper, please," I begged.
"Please what, Edward? What do you want from me?" he asked me point blankly, his face void of emotion.
I gulped… loudly, as flames shot through my face. He was going to make me said. Out loud, damn. Could I do this? Could I really tell him what he wanted to hear? I steeled myself, looked him dead in the eye and began to tell him.
"I want you," I spoke.
Shock crossed his face in an instant. I stood staring at him wandering what he was going to do. He didn't move a muscle for a few minutes and I started wondering if he had gone into shock. It could happen, people have gone into shock under less strenuous circumstances. I should know, I've seen it first hand. Right now though my concern lay with the statue that was now Jasper. My breathing accelerated as I stared right into his eyes and pleaded with him, he finally spoke.
"Well it's about damn time!" he stated.
The corners of his lips twitched up and he smiled a broad smile at me, then began laughing.
"Jesus, Jasper. You about gave me a heartache. What's the big idea?" I asked as my breathing began to regulate.
"Come on, I had to let you sweat a bit. I couldn't just forgive you that quick. That would make me easy, which I am by the way, in case you were wondering," he smile was beaming by that time and I couldn't help but smile back at him. "You know, you're really beautiful when you smile. You should do it more often," he stated.
"Did you just call me beautiful?" I asked holding back my laughter.
"Yeah, what of it?" he said smirking at me.
"I'm not beautiful, I'm a guy for Christ's sakes. Guys can't be beautiful!"
I love how easily we could fall back into our regular banter. It was so easy to do that with Jasper and until this moment I hadn't realized how much I actually liked it.
"They sure can be, and you're living prove of it," he snickered.
Jasper began to sing the song Beautiful to me as he reached his hand out to touch my face. On instinct I turned from him.
"Don't touch me. I am not beautiful," I said to him spinning on my heel and laughing as he was still attempting to touch my face and was singing that stupid song. He grabbed my arm to turn me around, but I was relentless in my attempt not to let him. I was bent at the waist laughing so hard I could feel the tears starting to form. Jasper reached both arms around me in his attempt to make me look at him. I grabbed his forearms and tried to break free.
I looked up trying to gauge where I could run and hide, but as I gazed ahead my heart slammed into my chest and began beating too fast. My body stiffened and panic swept through me. I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear, I couldn't move. Everything went into shut down and I clasped to the ground. I could vaguely hear Jasper saying something, but I couldn't make out the words. I started straight ahead and couldn't believe what I was actually seeing.
There she was, walking across the grass, with him and he had his arm around her waist. I shook my head to clear the image that I knew couldn't be possible, but she was still there. How could this be? This couldn't be happening. I felt someone put their hand on my cheek and move my head. I could see Jasper now, panic written all over his face. His mouth was moving, but I couldn't understand his words. I tried to focus on him as he caressed my face with his hand and rocked me back and forth. I attempted to move my head to see if they were still there, but Jasper wouldn't let me. He leaned toward me and placed a kiss on my forward leaving his lips to linger as I focused on that trying to regain my composure. I took a couple of deep breaths, but it was no use, I could feel the darkness taking me over. The last thing I remember was Jasper's hand caressing my cheek while still rocking me back and forth.
Thanks for reading and I hope you let me know what you think. Till next time.