*Warning* We're still dealing with character death. Still no happy in sight.
SDDP - (Same disclaimer, Different page)
I raced from my bed and made it to the bathroom just in time to lose whatever was left in my stomach from last night. I knelt on the floor shaking and crying, my legs too weak to hold me. It was just a dream. It was a dream, but it was so much more than that. It felt like I was living through it. I can remember the sounds of gunfire as two men lost their lives, the hideously sweet smell of the funeral flowers, the overwhelming sense of loss and regret.
I don't know how long I stayed on the floor, unable to stand. Eventually I got up and grabbed my phone. I called Connie and told her that I wouldn't be in. I fibbed and told her that I ate something that disagreed with me. She told me she was just about to call out the cavalry, because I hadn't been answering my phone. I promised her that I would let her know how I was feeling tomorrow.
I stayed in my apartment all day, reliving the dream. Late in the afternoon, I gathered my courage and called him. I almost cried with relief when he answered the phone. "Hey, Cupcake."
Joe was busy at work, so our conversation was mercifully brief. When he offered to stop by later, I begged off, telling him the same story I told Connie. By the time we hung up, I was shaking uncontrollably and the tears were falling freely.
I was afraid to go to sleep that night.
o0()0o
I walked along the dingy hallway. This time I knew it was a dream, but I was unable to stop myself. I walked up to the same door. I heard the same baby. The same bullet hole appeared. I tried to wake up, but I couldn't. I ran from the building. This time when I called, a different voice answered the phone. "Yo".
The terror was worse because I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop him from going into the building. I couldn't make myself not hear the gunshots. I couldn't stop myself from screaming until they had to sedate me.
The funeral was the same, but so very different. I still had to be drugged to get through it. The flowers still smelled too sweet. This time, however, it was the military giving the 21 gun salute, not the police. Tank held me between himself and Bobby while he explained some of the medals that were attached to his uniform jacket. The Distinguished Service Cross and the Silver Star were two of the three highest awards that the military can give a soldier. The Purple Heart was one I recognized. There were other medals and awards, but I couldn't hear anything else.
Ranger once told me that he didn't do relationships, but we loved each other deeply. I didn't know how deeply until it was too late. He left me half of the Trenton office of Rangeman, the apartment on seven, the apartment in his Atlanta office, and a house in Colts Neck. He gave the other half of the Trenton office to Tank. The rest of the businesses were held in trust for Julie, along with the apartments in Boston and Miami and a house in Ft. Lauderdale.
Once again my grandmother came to stay with me. This time, though, a different Merry Man stayed at the apartment with us every night. I didn't notice any of them. I had been catatonic since the day of the funeral, only moving enough to eat and use the bathroom. I didn't want to do that much, but my grandmother had them bring Julie over and I couldn't say no to her tears. Eventually they moved me to an apartment on four. None of them could bring themselves to take me up to seven. Bobby had to sedate me at night, because I couldn't sleep through the nightmares.
About six months after the funeral, I tried to go up to seven on my own. I stood in the elevator holding the key fob for twenty minutes before I collapsed, sobbing. Tank came and brought me back to the apartment on four.
The next day, Joe came over. He tried to convince me that Ranger wouldn't want to see me like this. He told me that he wanted to help me. He told me that he missed me. I didn't listen to him. I was empty inside. He argued with Tank that I should be in a hospital. Finally, he left. When Tank came over to where I was sitting, I could see that he was considering Joe's advice. I started rocking back and forth, whispering, "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no." Until tears fell from Tank's eyes. He promised me that I didn't have to go anywhere.
Nobody told me that it was the anniversary of Ranger's death. I had spent a year unable to function beyond the bare necessities. Tank and Lester came to me in the apartment. They wanted to take me somewhere that I could be close to Ranger without all of the memories.
We drove for an hour. The house they took me to was beautiful, but I didn't notice it. There were fields and stables. There was even a Koi pond. They brought me inside. The house was perfect, but I didn't care. They told me that this was Ranger's house, and that it was mine, now. Lester took both of my hands. "Beautiful, we all miss him. Not a day goes by that we don't think about him. He loved you. He wouldn't want this. He needed for you to be happy." He handed me an envelope. "He gave this to me before he left for his last mission. He said I would know when it was time to give it to you. I still don't know if the time is right, but I can't do nothing any longer."
I turned the envelope over. In Ranger's elegant cursive was the word, "Babe.". The tears started to fall and wouldn't stop. With shaking hands, I opened the envelope. There was a single piece of paper inside. I could hear his voice as I read the words:
Babe,
I'm so sorry I couldn't come home to you. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to. I've done many things in my life that I regret, but none of them compare to how much I regret not telling you how much I love you until now. You are and have always been my own personal miracle. I couldn't live in a world without you.
I hope you'll stay strong. I need to know that you'll go on without me. Let Tank help you. There is no one I would trust more with something as precious as you.
I want you to know that you brought light and color to my world. You showed me that there is goodness in the world, and I will be forever grateful. You are kind and brave and loving. Don't ever forget how much you mean to me. I treasure every second we spent together.
I hope you like this house, I built it for you. Every time I came here, I thought about seeing you here. I thought about starting our Someday here. I just wish I had the courage to tell you.
I love you,
Carlos