See, Ron had no idea who Harry was when they first met, nor did Hermione until the train was approaching the castle. He had already put on his wizarding robes but a little tell-tale light could still be seen flashing as a dead give-away of his true identity. Once the train came to a stop he jumped up immediately. "Good!" He shouted, "I've really got to go to the bathroom!" Then he turned his back to them to leave the train but before he could go anywhere Hermione had spotted a flashing, purple lightning bolt shape on his buttocks. "What's that?" she asked pointing to it, but before Harry could answer Ron piped up. "I think that's Harry Potty!" Hermione looked thoroughly confused. "WHO?!" She asked.

Ron gaped at her. "You mean you don't know?" he asked in a voice as if she hadn't understood that 1+12 "You have to know, he's the boy who pooped!" Harry blushed and ran off while Hermione looked at Ron like he was crazy and scuttled off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile a little red-headed girl with bright green eyes named Xiomara, or X ran up and poked Harry's scar with her wand because one of her friends paid her ten galleons and she ran away, never to appear in this story again. So Harry went to the bathroom, and then came to the great hall where he was sorted into Gryffindor house and met up with Ron and Hermione again. They had a very nice meal and chatted about stupid things and over the next month or so they had a bunch of classes, but nobody really cares about that. We only wanna hear about the mischief damn it!

So eventually Harry Hermione went up to the floor that they weren't allowed to be on and they opened the door where there was a clogged toilet. Looking disgusted, Hermione went to flush it. Almost immediately the thing started over-flowing. "Oh shit!" Cried Harry, "its raining shit!" They all began to panic until Ron jumped up and since the floor was brittle from the toilet over-flowing he fell through it. Quickly, the others jumped down the hole. They landed on long, tubular metallic things. "What is this?!" Ron asked Hermione as the pipes began grabbing onto them. "Their sewer pipes!" she shouted and took out her wand. "Constipatio!" she shouted and the tubes broke dropping them on the floor below. It was room full soiled underwear and they had to put the correct pair into the washing machine to open the door. After a while of searching they found a bright red thong and threw it in the machine, opening the door, only to find in the next room that they hand to play live chess with chocolate and vanilla laxatives to get to the room they were searching for. Unfortunately, in the process of playing Ron was seriously injured and Hermione stayed behind with him, letting Harry go on. He was going to go get the philosopher's stone so that stupid scar wouldn't flash anymore.

When he got to the room it was laying in the middle of the floor but Harry's defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Quarrel also wanted the stone so they ran and dived for it. And had a pointless catfight which was rather dull because they weren't actually hitting each other, just randomly flailing their arms. Then, a voice spoke through Quarrel's turban. "Enough!" It cried, "Unwrap me at once!" Quickly, Quarrel took off the turban and turned around so that the face of Moldywarts stared out at Harry. He cleared his throat. For a second and music began to play in the chamber and Moldywarts began to sing.

"I'd like to buy the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves."

Harry looked startled but then at once joined in as the two began to shake, shimmy and do the twist.

"I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke
And keep it company
That's the real thing.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a Coke
And keep it company
That's the real thing."

Then, as they did a complicated spinning move Harry began to sing a secondary chorus as Moldywarts continued to sing the first.

"What the world wants today
Coca-Cola"

The two sang in harmony for a long time before deciding that they could be best friends forever because both of them wanted to buy the world a Coke. Moldywarts used the philosopher's stone to get a new body while Harry and Moldywarts skipped out of the room and they were best friends for life.