Sorry it took me a bit to update. My friend was in town for the weekend, so I got distracted. So, about the story… Yes, this is going to be slash. I'm sorry if this means that some of you stop reading. I hope you don't though. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and please keep them coming, they mean a lot. I like hearing what you think of the story so far. And I can use the constructive criticism. I love all you guys!
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Although I'd turned in rather early, sleep was something I didn't get much of. The dreams that had been plaguing me for nights on end made me fear sleep. The last thing I needed was for these dreams to make matters worse for me. So instead, I busied myself with other things for most of the night, and lied on my bed restlessly when all else had failed. I just needed to keep reminding myself of why I was here; to work, not to fall in love or lust. I needed to work on my priorities and not allow this to distract me further. I loved my place here on the Enterprise. I couldn't let myself lose it because I couldn't rid myself of these strange, inappropriate thoughts.
I'd never quite understood the human concept of talking to yourself when you could simply think to yourself, but it was a habit I'd picked up lately. I'd often find myself muttering to myself, instead of just thinking the words. This wasn't particularly helpful when I did it when on the job, and people might hear things I'd rather keep to myself. I kept telling myself that I could get over this strange infatuation. That I could forget about it, and then everything would be okay; then everything would be normal. I needed to get over this. I continuously told myself this; my words whispered like prayers. Prayers that remained unanswered.
Instead, I continued through the torture silently; keeping my best composed face whilst around others. The only one who seemed to notice the difference – at least that I could tell – was my mother. She knew me better than I'd given her credit for in the past, and she continued trying to get past my defenses and help me. But I did not want help. I needed to be able to work this out on my own. That way, if the situation were to ever occur again; it wouldn't be quite so agonizing. Hopefully, at least.
I was one of the first into the cafeteria. Being an early riser – or having not slept to begin with – that happened a lot. Although, I was surprised to see Captain Kirk sitting at one of the tables, and by himself none the less. I could feel my heartbeat increase as it started pounding louder in my chest, and I was surprised no one else could hear it. He saw me and smiled flawlessly at me. I adverted my eyes away from him as soon as possible, but I knew my cheeks were already tinged green. I grabbed my food quickly, and then looked for a place to seat.
I – despite my brain's plea not to – snuck another glance at the Captain, and was surprised when he was looking at me. When our eyes met, he smiled again, and gestured me to join him. Regretfully, I walked towards him. I did not need to put myself through this torture when I could avoid it, but part of me wanted to go over to him; to be closer to him. Also, he was the Captain. It would be disrespectful to ignore his wishes. So I forced myself to sit down across from him.
"Hey. What's up?" He asked casually. I looked up, confused by the question. I thought the answer was rather obvious; the ceiling. When I looked back at him and went to answer, he held a hand up.
"Never mind. So are you okay?" I focused on my food as I answered; I knew I was usually good at hiding my emotions, but I knew my eyes had been defying me lately.
"Of course, Captain. I have no reason to be otherwise." I reassured him, and then took a bite of my food.
"What about you? Usually you are not awake until hours from now." I asked when he remained silent. He shrugged, and I knew he saw the displeasure on my face when he did so.
"Sorry. I know you hate that. I'm alright I guess; just worried about my first officer." I looked up at him, and he was watching me carefully. I attempted a smile, hoping it was more convincing then I found it to be.
"Your worries are unnecessary. I'm quite alright, thank you, Captain." The moment the words left my lips I could hear how false they sounded. And judging by Kirk's facial expression; he could hear it as well.
"You sure? You've been acting a bit…weird…lately. Is something going on?" He continued to pry. But, to keep up appearances, I kept my annoyance to myself. Instead, I just nodded curtly.
"Of course."
We ate the rest of our meals in silence, and when I was finished eating, I left as quickly as possible as to avoid any protests. I found myself walking aimlessly through the hall of The Enterprise, which was something I'd never done before. I'd never understood the human idea of walking just to walk. Walking was to get places, not to occupy you while you are lost in thought. Although, there I was, once again doing human things that had never made sense to me before.
Why did these feelings have to affect me this way? Why did they have to affect every aspect of my life? Why couldn't I rid myself of this burden? I had never been taught what to do in this situation. Why was that? Had no one considered that being half human that this disturbance may occur? Why can't I just get over this?!
"Get over what?!" A voice asked loudly. I blinked a few times, and then took in my surroundings. I was just outside the medical wing, and Doctor McCoy was standing next to me, looking at me strangely. I let out a sharp breath as I composed myself.
"Nothing, Doctor."
"Well…Your 'nothing' was a bit loud. If you could keep it down please... I'm a Doctor, not a deaf person." His sarcasm aggravated me, but I kept it to myself.
"Of course. My apologies." That just made him look at me cautiously.
"What's wrong with you?" He asked seriously. I shook my head curtly.
"Nothing." He didn't seem so convinced.
"You sure? You are in a medical wing, ya know. I could help if there's something wrong." His offer seemed to be out of genuine concern; which in normal circumstances would seem fascinating to me, but at the moment it only aggravated me further.
"I assure you – again – that I am quite alright. Now, if you'll excuse me." And with that, I turned sharply and left without waiting for further comments.
I could tell by the glances the people around me gave me, that I wasn't hiding my anger very well. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self control anymore? Perhaps leaving the ship would be best. Although I loved it here, this infatuation was affecting me in more ways than I could handle. Maybe spending some time away would help me overcome it. And maybe I could return someday. Also, the remaining Vulcans needed as much help as they could acquire. Surely Jim, Captain, I reminded myself forcefully, would understand.
But I didn't want to leave. It pleasured me, serving aboard the Enterprise. I'd acquainted myself with some fascinating people, and found myself not wanting to part with them. Especially not with him. But that was the problem, wasn't it? I needed to get away from him. It pained me to be here. But it would pain me to leave, as well.
Like a few nights before, I once again found my mother walking the halls alone, and what seemed to be without purpose, just as I. She noticed me as well, and I knew that she – like last time – would notice that something was off. But still, I approached her.
"Hello, Spock." She greeted, smiling warmly at me. My mother's smile was always admirable. It comforted me. Most of the time, at least. But now, the comfort barely made it into my system. I held her my arm. She took it, and we began to walk.
"Hello, Mother. Is everything alright? I seem to find you walking along the halls alone on more occasions than with father, and the others." She waved her free hand in the air, a human gesture of dismissal that I'd never used.
"Everything is great. You don't need to worry about me. I'm more concerned about you, anyway."
"Mother," I began, my voice rather weak. I inhaled sharply. I needed to pull myself together.
"Spock…May I ask you something, without you getting angry?" She asked, worry in her voice.
"Of course." I answered immediately. I couldn't imagine my mother having the ability to anger me. She sighed and stepped so that she was standing in front of me. She glanced around, as if to see if anyone were listening. Then, she turned to me again, looking me right in the eyes. I met her gaze, only to not be inconsiderate. I didn't like look people in the eyes lately. Of course, it was respectful, and I had to in most cases, but if I didn't have to, I avoided it. My eyes had been betraying my emotions. I could see it when I looked at myself in a mirror. And I could see it in other people's facial expressions when they looked at me that they saw it as well.
"Is it Captain Kirk?" At that moment, I knew that not just my eyes gave away the emotions running through me. I tried to think of the words to say. Yes Mother, I dream of kissing, amongst other things, another male. Not just any male, but the Captain of the ship I serve. I want it more than anything; I want him more than anyone. Although my mother is supportive of me, the idea of speaking the truth seemed unwise. But remaining silent seemed to tell her just as much as the words I did not speak.
"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Spock." I found myself moving away from her. I'd told her I wouldn't get angry at her. But her words were false. Though, I wasn't angry at her for it. I was angry at myself for putting me in the situation to deserve the shame she was attempting to convince me didn't exist.
"Of course there is, mother!" My voice came out in a low, almost animal like sound. I let out a long breath to calm myself; or at least to allow it to appear that I'd calmed myself. I stepped closer to her again, to make sure no one else that might pass by – although there was no one at the moment – would hear me.
"I have feelings for another man! My own Captain, none the less! There is a lot for me to be ashamed of!" I whispered. Then, I let out another breath. My voice sounded different. It was full of emotion; something I wasn't used to in my own voice. She tilted her head to the side – a gesture I'd learned was one of a sympathetic nature, which was the last thing I needed at the moment; sympathy – and reached out her hand to touch my face. I moved my head away and stepped back before she could. She lowered her hand slowly, and I knew I'd hurt her. Why did this have to affect me so? She had done nothing wrong; why did I act this way towards her? There was no reason to. Why was I so out of line now? I wanted to apologize, but I could not find my voice; as if all emotions I'd been holding back for the past couple weeks were stuck in my throat, making it unable for me to speak, or even breathe correctly.
"Maybe we should talk when you aren't so upset." She said, her voice quiet. I looked to the ground, not wanting to see the hurt expression on her face any longer.
"I'm sorry, mother." My voice equally quiet.
"I know. It's alright. I just want you to be alright, Spock. I can see the affect this is having on you. It's not going to get easier until you accept what you're feeling. I don't like seeing you so strained. Please… Don't hurt yourself more." She stroked my hair lovingly, and then began walking away. I waited until I could no longer hear her footsteps to look away from the ground.
Her advice was sound. It was logical; to need to accept something was there before you could force it away. But I did not want to accept it. I desired to keep ignoring it. It was already plaguing my mind enough as it was. I couldn't imagine how much more known it would make itself in my mind when I accepted it was there. What if when I accepted it, I found a desire to act on it? No. That could not happen; not under any circumstances. I could lose my place on the Enterprise. But what if I accepted it, and didn't act on it? The pain would only worsen. What if I simply decided to discard my mother's advice, and not accept it? Still, just more pain.
A no win scenario.
My own personal Kobayashi Maru.