Author's Notes: So sorry for the lengthy wait. School started back and it's always crazy getting back into the swing of things after summer ends. This chapter was supposed to explore more into Jules's history but it was getting long and it was taking so long to get it finished, I decided to break it up into two different chapters. I hope it doesn't disappoint. Again, I'm sorry for the long wait; hopefully I can get back into the groove of writing in the evenings instead of crashing early.
Timeline: This chapter takes place directly after the episode "Shockwave" in Season Four.
Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks who air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.
Numbing the Pain
Chapter 2
"Hey Jules, which tie would you recommend? Natalie suggested the purple one but I'm not sure if it's because she thinks it looks better with this dress shirt or because she's the one who bought it for me."
Sam Braddock stepped into the bathroom where Jules was standing in front of the mirror finishing her makeup. He was holding up a purple tie that was so bright it almost sparkled. She wrinkled her nose as she glanced at it.
"I'd say it was probably because she bought it. I don't think a shirt exists that it would look good with. What was Nat thinking when she bought it? She usually has much better fashion sense than that. I vote for the other tie sight unseen; it has to be better."
Sam nodded. "I had a feeling my simple navy tie would be a better choice. Nat called it 'boring' but given the circumstances, maybe boring is the way to go."
Jules nodded and returned her attention to her makeup. Sam stepped closer to her and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind before kissing her cheek. "You look beautiful."
Usually she would relax against him and they would lose themselves in the moment while they could. It was hard keeping their personal feelings secret at work but it seemed to make their private time when they could express how they felt even sweeter. This time was different though. Jules didn't pull away from him but she didn't seem as receptive to his touch either.
Sam frowned. He'd noticed that something had seemed off about Jules's mood the last couple of days but every time he'd attempted to ask her about it, she changed the subject. He hadn't pushed it. One thing he'd quickly learned about Jules was that she didn't like discussing her feelings, not with him or with anyone unless there was no getting around it. He'd assumed that her mood had something to do with him getting hurt during a bomb call the other day. He knew it hadn't been easy for her to know he was hurt and trapped in the building and not be able to do anything or even able to express her concern beyond what would be normal for a teammate.
It probably didn't help that since he'd been injured, he'd been spending more time at his apartment than here at Jules's house because he never knew when someone from the team would drop by to check on him. That had severely limited the time they'd gotten to spend together since Jules would have to wait until it was late enough that they wouldn't risk a visit by a teammate to sneak over to spend the night. Then she'd have to leave again early in the morning just in case someone got the idea to bring him breakfast.
Keeping his arms around her waist, he moved them down the counter to a section that was clear and then edged around to where he was standing in front of her. He sat on the counter and wrapped his legs around her to pull her closer. His hands cupped her face so she had no choice but to look at him.
"Jules, what's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because I know that's a lie. You're on edge; you have been the last several days but today it seems like more. It's more than just me getting a bump on the head. Please talk to me."
"It was more than just a bump on the head; the doctor said concussion and you were unconscious for what seemed liked forever." Jules argued but it was said almost so automatically that Sam couldn't help but feel like she was making it out of habit not out of worry.
Sam nodded. It wasn't the first time she'd reminded him of what the doctor who'd examined him in the emergency room had told him. "Yeah, he said I had a concussion but he also classified it as slight. In fact, it was so slight that he told me to just take it easy for a couple of days - which I did - and that I could go back to work after that so long as I didn't have a headache or any kind of blurry vision - which I don't. So what's really bothering you?"
She sighed. She knew if she told Sam to just drop it, he would respect her feelings enough to do so but he would still worry. She couldn't do that to him. "I'm worried about Spike. He's really having a hard time with losing his dad."
Sam nodded. His head might have been pounding and he might have been hustled pretty quickly over to the ambulance after being rescued from the building but he had been well aware of the fear in Spike's voice when he'd said he had to leave. Sam was glad that Spike had managed to make it to the hospital in time to say his final goodbyes to his father. He didn't know if Spike would have been able to forgive himself if the job had prevented him from being there. "I know. I stopped by yesterday to drop off a cake that Nat baked. Knowing what a great cook Mrs. Scarlatti is, do you know how ridiculous I felt bringing food? Especially something my sister - who's not known for her cooking abilities - baked. Anyway, I don't remember ever seeing Spike look so down. There were all these family members there but he seemed almost lost in the crowd. I asked if he wanted to get out of the house for a little while, just go grab a beer or something. For a moment I think he was going to say yes, but then one of his aunts came in the room asking him to help her with something and that was that."
"Relatives just don't know how to butt out and not get involved." Jules muttered, half under her breath.
There was just enough touch of bitterness in Jules's tone to make the warning bells in Sam's head go off. With a certainty that defied logic, he knew she wasn't just talking about Spike but something more personal. He was pretty sure she didn't know any of Spike's out of town relatives enough to be that upset with them. So if she wasn't talking about Spike's family then was she referring to her own? When could her family have butted in when they shouldn't have?
Suddenly he thought he might know what was bothering her. Had the death of Spike's father opened old wounds for her? He wondered if she was thinking back to when her mother died. All he knew about that time in her life was that she'd been sixteen. She rarely talked about her mother, and never about her death, but he knew it was a sore subject for her without her saying a word. Now that they were dating again, albeit still in secret, he'd tried to let her know that he was willing to listen if she wanted to talk. At the same time, however, he never pressed the issue. Wasn't like he liked talking about his sister's death any more than she liked to talk about her mother's.
He didn't want to further upset her now by staying on the subject but he couldn't just drop it either. He was pretty sure she knew she could talk to him about anything but he felt like he needed to remind her. "Jules, you know you can talk to me about anything right? If you just want me to listen without comment, I can do that."
There was just a hint of a smile on Jules's lips. She knew Sam well enough to know that he was protective by nature. If he were presented with what he felt like was a problem, even a twenty year old problem, he would want or more likely feel like he needed to get involved and fix things. Even if it couldn't be fixed. She loved that about him at the same time that it drove her absolutely crazy at times as well.
"I know. I appreciate it, really I do. Maybe knowing what Spike is going through has brought up memories better off left buried. I don't want to talk about it though, okay?"
Sam nodded, hoping his disappointment didn't show. When Jules sighed deeply, he knew he hadn't been completely successful. Jules lowered her head. "Please don't take it personally. It's not that I want to keep things from you. I know you would listen and that you want to help. I do. It's not about keeping things from you or not trusting you with the things that bother me. It's more about not trusting myself. Those memories aren't just painful but even thinking about them takes me right back to the worst time in my life, like it just happened. I'm not proud of the person I become when that happens."
Even with her head bowed she knew he was about to protest. Knew he was going to say that nothing she shared would change the way he thought about her. She knew that and believed him without him saying it. "I know you can handle whatever I might share but I can't. Not right now. We've got a long day ahead of us and I - we - need to be there for Spike instead of me being wrapped up in my own memories."
She raised her head again, looking at him with her warm brown eyes that he loved so much. She was pleading with him to understand and not take her reluctance to talk personally. How could he deny her what she wanted when she looked at him like that? He nodded.
"You're right. Today we've got to take care of Spike, help him through this. However, after the funeral is over and we know Spike is okay, I'm here if you want to exorcise your own demons or if you just want to snuggle on the couch and create some better memories."
Now the hint of a smile broadened into a full blown smile. She nodded. "I know. Now, I've really got to finish getting ready or we're going to be late."
Sam gently played with one of the soft curls near her face. At work, she almost always wore her hair back in a braid or ponytail so it was out of her way but on her off time it was almost always down. He loved her hair, loved running his fingers through it. Today, she'd spent some time with the curling iron so it fell in soft waves and curls around her face. She took his breath away.
Taking advantage of the fact that she hadn't put on her lipstick yet, Sam leaned down and kissed her. He never needed a reason for kissing her and would take advantage of any opportunity but he especially loved catching her lips when they were naked. She wouldn't fuss at him about smudging her lipstick and he didn't have to worry afterward about removing any evidence of the kiss from his own lips.
For a moment, nothing mattered but their lips pressed against each other. Jules parted her lips allowing Sam's tongue to sweep inside, deepening the kiss. All too soon, Jules stepped back, ending the kiss. Sam tried to pull her close again but she shook her head, breathing hard. She licked her lips which just made her even more irresistible to Sam.
"Seriously Sam, as much as I would rather stay home and maybe move this into the bedroom and create those better memories you were talking about, I've got to finish getting ready. We're going to be pushing it picking Raf up on time to get to the service as it is."
"I'll put the blame on Nat if we are. I'll tell him you got to my apartment to pick me up in plenty of time but my sister was hogging the bathroom keeping me from getting ready."
Jules rolled her eyes. "Would you really throw Nat under the bus that way? Wait, don't answer that; I don't really want to know. Seriously, Sam, Spike is our friend and we owe it to him to be there on time. Go put your tie on - your navy tie not that purple monstrosity - and let me finish getting my make-up on."
Sam grinned at her and slid off the counter without releasing her. He gave her a forehead a chaste kiss. "I meant what I said earlier. You are beautiful."
Again she rolled her eyes. "Flattery will get you nowhere right now."
His next kiss was against her lips but it wasn't the same searing kiss as earlier, more of a hint of a promise of what could come later. "It's not flattery when it's the truth. You are beautiful Jules. Whether you are in full gear at work or wearing nothing at all. Beautiful on the outside and more importantly beautiful on the inside. I can tell going to this funeral is bringing up bad memories for you but you are putting that aside because you want to be there for Spike. I think that's the most beautiful thing about you. Just know that I'm here for you as well as for Spike. Whatever you need to get through the memories. If you want to talk about it later, I'm here. If you need me to just give you space later so you can deal with them in your own way, then I'll do that as well."
She knew he was being completely honest with her. His feelings wouldn't be hurt if she asked him to let her have the evening to wallow in her self-pity and memories. Her heart swelled a little more with love for this man she was grateful was once more back in her life and bed. She thought about the purchase she'd made the day before and hid in one of the cabinets in the kitchen in anticipation for the melt down she was pretty sure was coming after the service. As much as she wanted to take him up on his offer for them to just snuggle on the couch later, she knew it would only be a matter of time before she had to give in to the emotions building up inside her. She wasn't sure she was ready for him to see that side of her just yet. She nodded. "Thanks. Someday, I will tell you everything, I promise. I just don't know if it'll be today or not."
"Copy that. Whenever, wherever."
- FP - FP - FP -
As Jules had feared, they were late picking Raf up. It had been Jules's idea for the three of them to carpool together. Since Sam's apartment logistically was between her house and Raf's apartment, she knew it wouldn't look suspicious for Sam to already be with her and gave them a convenient excuse to go to the service together.
Raf didn't question their tardiness when they did arrive. Sam was glad, although he had been more than willing to take the blame. While Raf was probably the most laid back of the team when it came to punctuality, Jules was by far the most fanatical about not only being on time but being early for just about everything. Sam had seen Jules's already low mood turn almost completely sour at the idea that she was running late. He'd feared that even a teasing comment from Raf about them being late would just make things worse.
When she pulled into a space in the parking lot of the church where the service was to be held, Sam saw that Greg, Ed, and Sophie were also just arriving. He hoped that would make Jules feel a little bit better but he could tell from the tension in her shoulders that it hadn't. It didn't help that once they were inside the church they found that it was so close to the time of the service that the family had already been pulled into a side room for a final prayer with the priest. Sam was pretty sure that if she'd been able to at least see how Spike was doing, she would be able to relax a little more. It made him wonder just how bad things had been when her mother died that this funeral was upsetting her so much. He'd meant what he'd said earlier; he wouldn't push her to talk about it, but he couldn't deny that his protective instincts were kicking into high drive with her reaction.
Once they were seated and the service had started, Sam started to wonder if he was reading Jules correctly. He could feel her restlessness and got the idea that it wouldn't take much for her to just bolt from the church. It was enough that he wanted to reach over and squeeze her shoulder or grip her hand or in some way physically reassure her that it was okay. He couldn't do that because it could raise too many questions they couldn't afford to be asked. At the same time though, he couldn't help but notice that Greg, who was sitting on the other side of Jules, seemed completely oblivious to her distress. Surely, if the stress Sam was feeling from her was accurate, a great profiler like Greg would have picked up on it as well and questioned her about it. Was he imagining her distress or did he just know her so much better than Greg?
Jules could almost feel Sam's gaze boring into her and knew he was worried about her. While she appreciated his concern, she couldn't focus on it. It was taking everything in her to just stay seated in the pew between Sam and Sarge. Her head was raised and her attention appeared to be on the priest beginning the service. Instead her gaze was fixed on a spot somewhere behind the man and her thoughts a million miles away. The truth was she usually avoided having to attend funerals when she could. There had been no way she could do that to Spike, however. So here she sat, pretending to be absorbed in the message the priest was delivering and trying not to flashback to unhappier times.
After what seemed like an eternity, the church service was over and everyone made the processional to the graveside. Jules was glad she'd offered Raf a ride as well because it meant Sam didn't get the chance to ask her if she were okay. She wasn't, not in the least, but she didn't want to admit that to Sam or lie to him either. She did, however, miss the fact that she couldn't quietly slide her hand in his during the drive. Instead, she kept both hands on the wheel and hoped that her white knuckles didn't give away too much of the tension in her.
The graveside service didn't last long. As people approached the family to once more offer their condolences, Spike sought out his team. He greeted them each with a hug and Jules couldn't help but notice that he seemed to almost cling to each person a little longer than he might normally would. It seemed to her that he was drawing strength from his friends when his own was more than spent. With that in mind she gave him an extra tight hug, ready to offer him any amount of strength he needed.
"You'll come back to the house, right? There's enough food to feed the greater Toronto area." Spike offered after the round of hugs had been made. The question mark was clear at the end of his first statement but his eyes begged them to all say yes.
"Your family won't mind?" Sarge asked. They all knew the gathering at the house was typically just for family. And while they all considered themselves Spike's family, they knew they had no official claim to the title.
Spike nodded emphatically. "I'm sure. Ma's invited a lot of her friends back as well so it's not strictly a family thing. It's been a tough morning and I really could use my friends close."
Ed reached out and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "We're there for you, Buddy. I've got to drop Sophie off at home first because we've got to relieve the babysitter but then I'll be there."
"Michelangelo," a formidable looking woman standing next to Spike's mother called over to him. She didn't say anything more but Spike's shoulders slumped just at the call of his name.
He nodded his head in her direction. "My dad's sister. She's been staying with us since she got to town a few days ago. I better get over there before she uses my full name. I'll see you at the house. I really appreciate you all being here today. You don't know what it means to me." His eyes momentarily filled with tears.
Jules stepped forward and hugged him again. Then she kissed his cheek. "You don't have to thank us, Spike. We're here because we love you."
"Absolutely." Sam echoed as Jules stepped back.
Again Spike looked back toward his mother and aunt. It was clear to the rest of the team that he didn't want to walk away from them but at the same time it was equally clear he didn't have a choice. Jules frowned as he walked away but waited until he was out of earshot to say anything.
"Anyone else notice that it doesn't look like he's slept well?"
Sarge nodded. "We knew this wasn't going to be easy for him. All we can do is be there for him as we can and give him all the love and support he needs. Not just today but for the next few days and weeks as well. We'll make sure he's okay."
The team started the trek from the graveside to the vehicles. Though Jules would have been happier leading the way and getting far away from the cemetery as she could, she made sure to stay to the middle of the pack. She didn't want anyone picking up on her mood by appearing to be in a hurry to leave or by dragging her feet like she was upset. She knew Sam had an idea but didn't want to add to his worry. There would be time for her to face her old demons later when she was all alone.
Once Jules, Sam, and Raf were settled in the Jeep and she was heading for Spike's house, Raf shook his head. "I can't even imagine what Spike's going through right now. I might not get to see my dad as much as I would like and I miss him like crazy sometimes but at least I know he's there. If I really need to talk to him or see him, I can. You know?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, the General and I might not always see eye to eye but seeing what Spike's gone through with his dad's illness and now this has made me appreciate the fact that my dad is at least healthy. After Sarge called us to let us know that he'd gotten the call from Spike that his dad had passed, I called my parents just to tell them I loved them. I'm not sure whom I surprised more, myself or the General."
Jules didn't comment. She'd called her father as well, didn't tell him why she was calling because she knew he'd want to talk about her mother and she hadn't been ready for that. Instead, she'd just acted like it was a normal conversation, told him about what was going on with her and listened as he talked about what he wanted to do around the property when he got the chance. She promised to come visit him when she could but she knew it was an empty promise. Home held too many memories she's worked too hard burying to go back.
Since Ed had to drop off Sophie at their house before he and Greg could come to Spike's, Jules, Sam, and Raf were the first of the team to arrive. Since the driveway was already full of cars, Jules parked on the street where she wouldn't be blocked in later. Then the three made their way up the walk and rang the doorbell.
Spike's aunt, the one who called him away from them at the cemetery, answered the door. Her disdain was clear and Sam wondered briefly if she was going to close the door on them without letting them in. Not one to be intimidated by anyone or anything, Jules stepped forward, her body now preventing the door from being closed. Sam hid a grin as he recognized her stance as the one she would use when confronting a subject that needed a dose of tough reality. It was almost as if she grew a couple of inches when she was in that mode.
"Hi, Jules Callaghan. We work with Spike and he invited us over. You're his aunt, right? On his father's side? We're very sorry for your loss."
The expression on the older woman's face didn't change and she still looked like she wanted to close the door on them even with Jules blocking the way. Then Spike appeared in the hallway behind them and saw them standing there.
"Hey guys, thanks for coming. Aunt Luisa, I take it you've met my teammates. Jules, Sam, Raf, this is my Aunt Luisa. Come on in."
Jules had to school her features to keep from smirking at the dominating aunt as she brushed past her. To make sure none of her emotions showed, she basically ignored her as she once more hugged Spike tightly. He returned the hug and again she felt like he was holding on longer and tighter than he would normally. Once she released him, he greeted Sam and Raf as well. None of the three acknowledged the fact that his eyes were bright with unshed tears.
Spike stepped back and then led them down the hall to where tables full of food had been set up. "People have been bringing food over for days. I don't know where Ma has found room to store it all. With all the family coming in to town I'm glad she hasn't had to worry about cooking for everyone. But I know if all this food isn't eaten up soon, it's going to start going bad and that's just going to make her feel bad. She doesn't believe food should be wasted."
Raf reached out and gripped his arm. "It's okay, Spike. Everyone just wants to show they care."
Spike nodded and looked like he was about to say something else when Luisa approached. Jules thought she saw him stiffen slightly when he saw her coming but wasn't sure if that was just in her imagination or not.
"Michelangelo, your mother is looking for you. She needs you to help her bring a box down from the attic."
Spike sighed and promised he'd be there in a second. Then he looked at his friends. "Ma keeps wanting to pull some of my dad's stuff out of storage to show people. I know she's just trying to hold on to him however she can but it just upsets her even more. Let me go see what she's wanting and if I can distract her. I'll be right back."
"Take your time, Spike. We understand you've got things to do today. We'll be here." Sam promised.
Once Spike walked away, Raf shook his head. "I get the feeling his aunt doesn't like us. Is it just me?"
It was clearly a rhetorical question so neither Sam nor Jules answered. Greg and Ed appeared a few minutes later and the team slowly made their way around the buffet tables and fixed plates for themselves. They stood off to the side, out of the way of the different friends and family members, eating and talking softly. Spike rejoined them after about fifteen minutes having successfully convincing his mother not to pull out anything else at the moment. Once more noting how spent he looked, Sam offered to fix him a plate. Spike gratefully agreed. While Sam was at the buffet table, however, Luisa once more called Spike away. Spike's shoulders noticeably slumped as he had no choice but follow her to the next "emergency."
The next time Spike joined them, he at least got to eat about half of what Sam had fixed for him before he was again called away. This pattern repeated itself every time Spike tried to have a conversation with them. It became obvious to everyone that Luisa seemed to purposefully be trying to prevent him from visiting with his friends. They could tell Spike wanted to protest but didn't want to cause a family rift on such an emotional day.
At one point, Sarge gently suggested it would be better if they just left but Spike immediately shook his head. He begged them to stay because even if he didn't get to speak to them much, their close presence was helping him. It was only after they assured him they would stay as long as he wanted them to, that Spike seemed to relax a little more.
They'd been at Spike's for a couple of hours with only getting to really talk to him for maybe ten or fifteen minutes of that time. Jules finally excused herself from the group to make a trip to the ladies' room. They had all been in Spike's house before so she knew her way around pretty well. As she passed a spare bedroom on her way to the bathroom, she heard Spike's voice, sounding terse but forceful.
"Aunt Luisa, you've got to stop. I mean it. They are my friends and they are here because I want them here. You are being blatantly rude to them and I won't have it. They've done nothing to deserve your behavior today."
"Do not talk to me in such a tone, Michelangelo. Your parents did not raise you this way. You are insulting your precious father's memory by even having them here."
Jules's eyes narrowed and she took a step toward the bedroom. There was no way she was going to let anyone, not even his aunt, talk to Spike in such a way. She had her own protective instinct where her friends were concerned. One that could make Sam's pale in comparison. She could see that Luisa had noticed her approaching; the older woman's eyes narrowing with each step Jules took.
Spike responded in fluent Italian and aside from sounding angry, Jules had no idea what he was telling his aunt. She stopped her approach and changed direction back toward the bathroom. She might not know what he was saying but she knew he had the situation under control. Even though she might want to intervene, she knew doing so would probably only make things worse in the long run. That was the last thing she wanted for Spike.
When she emerged from the bathroom, she could see Spike still standing in the spare bedroom with his back to her. His aunt was nowhere to be seen. Jules stopped and studied him for a second. His arms were raised and his hands were pressed to either side of his temple. Without seeing his face, she could tell he felt defeated. For what had to be about the billionth time that day, her heart went out to him. She stepped just inside the bedroom. "Spike?"
At first he stiffened, his posture remaining rigid until he registered the voice with the speaker. Slowly his hands lowered and even more slowly he turned to face her. His face was twisted in pain and he looked dangerously close to breaking down in tears. He shook his head. "Jules, I can't do this. Not anymore. I've had enough. I can't face anyone else right now. I've got to get out of here. Can you help me?"
Without hesitation, Jules nodded. "Yeah, Spike. Of course, whatever you need. You want to get out of here, we'll get out of here. We'll go wherever you want to go. I just have to let Sam and Raf know."
Again he stiffened. "You know what, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Don't worry about it."
Jules frowned. "Spike, it's not a problem. Really. I want to help you. I just have to let Sam and Raf know I'm leaving so they can catch a ride with Ed. If I leave without saying anything, it's just going to concern everyone." She reached into her small handbag and pulled out her keys. She offered them to Spike. "Here, take my keys and go on out to the Jeep. I'll be right behind you and we'll go wherever you want to go."
For a moment, Jules felt like she was in the middle of a negotiation. And in some ways, she sort of was. Instead of trying to talk down a dangerous subject who was a threat either to himself or others, she was dealing with a friend who was at his breaking point. A place she knew all too well and didn't want to see Spike go through.
Spike accepted the keys without a word but nodded at her suggestion. He eased past her and made his way down the hall. She watched him leave, noticing that he almost seemed to be checking around every corner as if expecting his aunt or someone else to stop him. Jules shook her head, worried about her friend and then went to find Sam.
She didn't have to look far. He was coming down the hall toward her. He looked concerned. He smiled when he saw her. "Hey, everything okay?"
She shook her head again. "I think Spike's reached his limit. He asked me to get him out of here for a bit. Can you and Raf catch a ride with Ed?"
Sam nodded. "Yeah, sure. No problem. Look, take care of Spike; I can't think of anyone who would do a better job of it. But if he needs the rest of us, don't hesitate to call. We'll all be there for him."
Jules smiled softly and nodded. "I will. Sorry to run out on you two…"
"Don't be. Spike needs you and that's where you have to be. Raf and I will be fine. And look, later on tonight, once you're sure Spike is okay and you decide you want to talk or just want to cuddle, call me. If not, I'll see you some time tomorrow."
She wanted to hug him, maybe even kiss him goodbye. She knew she couldn't though. There was too big a chance that someone from the team would see them and that would bring up too many questions that couldn't be answered without getting too many people in trouble. Instead she settled for what would look like a friendly side hug between teammates if someone should see them. Even that wasn't a guarantee that someone wouldn't see it and question the motivation behind the hug but she couldn't leave without some sort of physical contact. She stepped away.
"I will call you when I get a chance. I promise. Now I better get out there; Spike might get tired of waiting and take off in my Jeep. Not that I could say I'd blame him if he did. Do me a favor though; don't make it seem like such a big deal to the others. I know they care and they want to be there for Spike as well but right now I don't think he can take their concern."
"That bad?" Sam probed gently. He trusted Jules's judgment and would do what she thought was best. She nodded. "Okay then. I'll just leave it that Spike needed a breather and you agreed to give him a ride. They'll give him all the time he needs. I'll handle things from this end; you go take care of Spike."
"Thanks." Jules gave his arm a slight squeeze as she started to leave. Sam caught her hand as she passed him.
"Jules…" She turned to face him. He didn't say anything else but his eyes conveyed the emotion his words couldn't express. Her expression softened and she nodded in response to his nonverbal assurance of his feelings.
She managed to make it out of the house without anyone else noticing. As she walked toward where her Jeep was parked she couldn't see Spike sitting in the passenger seat like she expected to. She frowned and looked around trying to find him. It was only once she was actually at the driver's side that she found him. He was sitting in the passenger seat but he'd reclined the seat back so he hadn't been visible from the distance. His arm was draped over his eyes blocking out everything and everyone.
Opening the door, Jules saw that Spike had tossed her keys into the driver's side seat. She grabbed them as she got in the vehicle. She didn't speak as she started the engine and put the vehicle in drive. She didn't ask if he was okay because it was obvious he wasn't. She didn't ask where he wanted to go because she was sure it didn't matter because no matter where she went, it wouldn't be far enough from his pain to satisfy him. So she just drove with no destination in mind.
Jules set the radio on an easy listening station with the volume just barely audible. She wasn't sure if music really did soothe the savage beast but she knew it could sometimes work magic on her worst moods and hoped it would have the same effect on Spike. She kept glancing over at him from time to time but his arm never moved from its position over his eyes. She wasn't sure if he'd fallen asleep or was just hiding out the best way he could but she wasn't going to interrupt either way.
Fortunately she had a full tank of gas so she was free to just wander aimlessly through the streets of Toronto. Not wanting to deal with the hustle and bustle of normal traffic, Jules headed toward the outskirts of the city in hopes that the open road could soothe away whatever was getting Spike down. She had to admit that it was helping ease her own tension in the process.
She'd discovered as a teenager the power that driving and getting away from everything had on her. If it hadn't been for the hours she'd slipped away from home and just lost herself behind the wheel of a car in the years between her mother's death and graduation, she didn't know what would have happened to her. To this day her father still didn't know just how many times she'd sneaked out of the house long after curfew and driven until the wee hours of morning before sneaking back inside.
She wasn't aware of how much time or how many miles had passed before Spike finally lowered his arm and raised the seat back up. He glanced over at her. "Thanks."
She wasn't sure if he was thanking her for getting him away or for not pressing him to talk but she nodded anyway. "Not a problem."
He smiled but there was nothing amused or happy in his expression. "I guess you think that was pretty crappy just abandoning my family and friends like that. I owe you an explanation at the very least."
"You don't owe me anything, Spike. I'm not about to judge you for anything. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen, but you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."
Spike knew she was good to her word. She really wouldn't press him to talk if he didn't want to. Part of him wanted to take her up on that. Just forget everything that had happened and regroup his emotions so he was in better control of them. Instead he found himself opening up. "Apparently my dad talked to Aunt Luisa a lot over the last few months. From the moment I picked her up at the airport, she's been on my case about my job. Saying I owe it to my dad's memory to do what he wanted me to do. I've lost count of how many times she's accused me of being a bad son for not doing it before he died. It doesn't matter that as he laid there in that hospital bed knowing he was going to die at any minute he'd started to realize that what I do matters. Doesn't matter that we'd reached some sort of understanding or, I don't know, truce before he died. All she cares about is what he told her personally."
Spike took a deep breath and swiped at his eyes again before continuing. "I've been hearing it for days now and I've been doing a pretty good job of just ignoring her. I know she's grieving as well and she doesn't really mean what she says. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Today though with her being rude to all of you, I couldn't do it anymore. I lost my cool, said some pretty ugly things to her and made her cry. She left out of the bedroom just a minute or two before you came in. I was just standing there, part of me feeling bad because I hurt her and part of me glad I finally said something."
Jules didn't say anything about hearing any of the conversation. It was obvious Spike felt torn about what happened and she didn't want him to feel embarrassed that it had been witnessed. She sighed. "Spike, yeah, your aunt is grieving but so are you."
Spike twisted in his seat so that he was looking out the side window. "Did I do enough? Could I have done more to make things better between me and my dad before he died? I couldn't quit the team. I know that. It's more than just a job. I make a difference and you guys are family. But maybe I could have taken Family Medical Leave and just told them I quit to make him feel better."
"Your father was sick for a long time, Spike. Family Medical Leave is only eight weeks maximum. You had no way of knowing how much time you had left with your dad and if eight weeks would have been long enough. Besides, would you have felt any better knowing you had lied to your parents?"
Spike thought about her words for a few minutes before answering. "No, I guess not. I know where my dad was coming from. He knew he was dying, knew I was going to be the man of the house and would have to take care of Ma. He was afraid that as dangerous as the job could be if something happens to me then there will be no one left to take care of her."
"We've been in the job long enough, seen people with ordinary safe jobs lose their lives. There's no guarantee that if you had quit and gotten a job doing something he considered safer that something wouldn't happen."
Spike nodded. "I know. I couldn't make him realize that though. Instead I just let him think I didn't care about what he thought. There was so much tension between us. So much time we lost because he wanted the impossible and I couldn't give it to him. My dad is gone now and I can't get that time back. He died knowing that the job was more important to me than his feelings. I've got to live with that now."
Seeing a place to pull off and park temporarily, Jules stopped the Jeep but left the engine running. She turned to look at her friend. "Spike. Don't do this. You said yourself that you and your dad reached an understanding…"
"It doesn't make a difference. It doesn't change what happened before. You don't understand. No one can understand what it's like to watch a parent die, hearing him practically beg for something and knowing you can't or won't give it to him."
Twenty year old memories assaulted Jules in that instant. She shuddered trying to push them away. "I wouldn't be too sure of that Spike."
Spike leaned his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes. "No offense, Jules, because I really appreciate everything you've done for me, but how could you know what it's like?"
"Because I couldn't give my mom what she told me she wanted when she was dying." Jules admitted quietly. She hadn't talked about that time to anyone in all the years that had passed since her mother's death. Not even her father knew the full story.
His eyes now opened, Spike looked over at Jules. She didn't talk about her family often but the stories she had shared had always seemed pretty happy. "What's that?"
A single tear rolled down Jules's cheek. She didn't want to have this conversation with anyone though she knew it was only a matter of time before she finally confided in Sam the whole story. Why had she said anything at all? She knew why. Spike was hurting and felt like no one understood and she'd wanted him to know he wasn't alone. She took a deep breath and wanted to turn away so he couldn't read anything in her expression. Instead she continued looking straight at him.
"My mom told me she hated my guts just about every day for about five months solid. That was hard enough to hear but it got worse. For a few days before and up to about an hour before my mom died, I lost count of the number of times she told me in graphic detail just what kind of horrible death she wished I would have right there in front of her."