"Gotta say, Oswald, when Dr. Leland told us about this whole community service gag, I didn't expect that it would include a trip to the old tailor's," commented the Joker, as he, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, and the Penguin all climbed out of the car in front of Francois's shop.
"It is essential that the people who represent me are as well dressed as my good self," said Penguin. "And it's nothing but the best for me."
"As a woman, I won't say no to a free outfit," said Ivy. "But I still object to this whole idea. I don't understand why I'm being punished for preventing a murder."
"And I don't see why I'm being punished for kicking around Nygma," agreed Two-Face. "That little runt mouthed off to me, and he deserved what he got."
"And nobody in Arkham can take a joke," muttered Joker. "Especially not that straw-for-brains Scarecrow."
He giggled suddenly, withdrawing a device from his pocket and pressing a button. "What's that?" asked Two-Face.
"Sets off the recording of Harley being revved up that I hid in Johnny's cell," chuckled Joker. "They think they found it, but that was just a decoy. And when we get back, I'm gonna improve the whole gag by recording Harley saying 'Oh, Professor!' at her climax. That'll really get him hot under the collar!" he giggled.
"Why would Harley ever say that?" asked Ivy.
"Ain't you ever heard of role-play, Weed Lady?" demanded Joker. "You must have – that's the only way Harvey here must have been able to tolerate doing you, by pretending you were someone else."
"Screw you, jerk!" shouted Ivy, raising a fist.
"No, no, no, no fighting!" snapped Penguin, grabbing her arm. "Let's just all calm down and be civil. Visiting a haberdashery is nothing if not a civil pursuit."
"What would you even role-play as a professor of?" asked Two-Face, as they entered the shop.
Joker shrugged. "Professor of Fun, I guess. They must give degrees in that. If they don't, Professor Joker's gonna be the first of his kind!"
"I had never imagined Monsieur Joker as the intellectual type," commented a familiar voice, as Francois emerged from the back of his shop. "He always struck me more as a man of action than a man of quiet contemplation. And I sincerely doubt he has turned over a new leaf – it would be such a tragedy to break a great comic tradition. Besides, there is no joke in that, and Monsieur Joker lives for his jokes."
"Aw, Frankie, you know me too well!" chuckled Joker, patting him on the back. "How ya doing, buddy? It's been too long! Still gay?"
"Uh…yes," said Francois, slowly. "It is not something that goes away with time, like a disease."
"Wouldn't know, not gay myself," chuckled Joker. "But it sounds kinda like a disease to me, and a damn unfortunate one too. Pammie here is always complaining about how there are no decent guys out there, so it must be really hard for you to find any."
"Actually, I am currently seeing a very nice young man," replied Francois.
"It's not the hat guy, is it?" asked Joker. "Can't be, because you described him as young."
"Monsieur Tetch is not gay," said Francois. "But if you see him, please tell him the pastel fabric samples he ordered have come in, and I need him to decide between lilac, rose pink, or baby blue for his new suit."
"Yeah, sure, he ain't gay!" laughed Joker.
"People wearing violet suits really shouldn't point fingers," said Ivy.
"This is purple, Pammie!" snapped Joker. "Purple, are you blind?! It's a royal color, befitting the Clown Prince of Crime."
"What may I help you all with today?" asked Francois, trying to diffuse the tension in the air.
"These three will be representing the Cobblepot name at the Iceberg Lounge, and I need them suitably dressed to do so," said Penguin. "Money is no object."
"Ah, my four favorite English words," said Francois with a smile. "Ladies first, then."
"No ladies here!" laughed Joker. Ivy slapped him and then followed Francois over to the dressing room, where he made his measurements.
"So what's the scheme, Pengers?" asked Joker, turning to him. "This whole community service gag – what have you really got up your sleeve?"
"No scheme, Joker," replied Penguin. "I'm just using this re-integration idea in order to provide myself with some free employees whom I don't have to pay. I've had to fire most of my waiting and kitchen staff because they've been demanding pay rises. They needed to learn they can't extort Oswald Cobblepot."
"But you just said money was no object," said Joker.
"It isn't," retorted Penguin. "It's the principle of the thing, Joker. I can't expect a man like you to understand that."
"I kinda thought slavery was illegal," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin repeatedly in annoyance.
"It is. This is community service, not slavery," retorted Penguin.
"If I ain't getting paid for the work I do, it's slavery," retorted Two-Face. "Coulda had you shut down for that in court back in the day. Coulda had your whole operation crushed," he said, catching the coin in his fist.
"Yes, well, you're not DA now, are you, Harvey?" said Penguin. "Get over it."
"Community service, slavery, they're just words for the same thing," said Joker, waving his hand. "And that thing is opportunity."
"How the hell do you define slavery as opportunity?" demanded Two-Face.
"What, you can't see any opportunities presenting themselves by us working at the Iceberg Lounge?" asked Joker. "We could poison the food with Joker toxin! We could fill the lake with Joker fish! We could…"
"You're not doing anything of the kind!" interrupted Penguin. "I won't allow you to ruin my business and terrorize my customers! You will all three be heavily and constantly supervised during your time in my employ, to see that you're not up to anything underhanded."
"Aw, take all the fun outta life!" sniffed Joker. "Anyway, nobody's ever managed to successfully police my fun, not even Batsy! I'll find a way around your little supervision."
"I doubt it," said Penguin, with a smile. "But of course I'm not giving away my secret as to how I'm supervising you. But put one toe out of line, Joker, and you'll get a very unpleasant surprise."
"Idle threats don't scare me, Pengers," retorted Joker. "You do your worst."
"I will," agreed Penguin.
"J, you're up," said Ivy, appearing from behind the curtain.
"Oooh, my favorite part!" chuckled Joker. "Don't go getting any ideas, Frankie, just because you get to feel me up with the tape measure! I'm spoken for!"
"He sure is," said a voice from the doorway. Everyone turned to see Harley Quinn standing there, gazing at the Joker dreamily.
"Pumpkin pie!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "What are you doing here?"
"Dr. Leland said this community service gig was a long-term thing," said Harley, shrugging. "And I wasn't about to spend any length of time away from my puddin'. So I busted outta the nuthouse and followed you here. If Mr. J's doing community service, I'm doing community service too."
"No, you're not!" retorted Penguin, glaring at her. "I said three inmates, and Dr. Leland has given me three! You're superfluous to my needs, and I'm certainly not paying for you to get a new set of clothes too!"
"Look, Cobblefeathers, I ain't being parted from Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Where he goes, I go, get me?!"
"Not on my property, you don't!" snapped Penguin. "And you take that tone with me again, young lady, and you'll be barred from the Iceberg Lounge for life! Nobody orders me around!"
"Yeah, you try to bar me, Squabblepot!" snapped Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "You can't keep me away from him! Anyway, I woulda thought you'd be grateful for another volunteer…"
"No, I know perfectly well that if I put both you and the clown together in the Iceberg Lounge, no work will get done!" snapped Penguin. "You'll either be disturbing my guests with your childish pranks, or traumatizing them with your graphic acts of an adult nature!"
"He's got a point, pooh," agreed Joker. "That does usually happen when we're together. Not that I'm complaining about either of those things!" he giggled.
Harley glared at Penguin. "So that's the way it's gonna be, huh?" she demanded. "You wanna play hardball, do ya?"
"I want you to go away!" snapped Penguin. "And if I see your trouble-making face anyway near the Iceberg Lounge, I'll have Batman there quicker than you can say 'bullying vigilante!'"
"Fine!" snapped Harley. "You asked for it, bird-brain! Nobody keeps me from my Mr. J, and I'll make you pay for trying to, you hear me?! This ain't over! Good day!" she snapped, turning on her heel and storming toward the door. Then she turned back.
"Good luck with the new job, Red and Harvey!" she said, beaming and waving at them. "Good to see you again, Frankie! Love you, puddin'!" she purred, blowing a kiss at Joker. Then she turned and stormed off.
"That little minx better not even think about causing trouble," growled Penguin, lighting the cigarette in his holder. "I won't have my business put at risk by that useless brat. No offense, Joker."
"Oh, no arguments here!" laughed Joker. "She is a useless brat, most of the time, anyway. But sometimes she really makes her Daddy proud," he giggled, staring after her. "And I got a real good feeling that this is gonna be one of those times."