Resident Evil 5: PARODY
well... Here a long awaited update, or..maybe no one cares! Iether way EVERYBODY wins! Haha! Or me at the very least.. My excuse is I was being todamn lazy to update and was enjoying role playing too damn much! I apologize... For enjoying life. anyway here's the update ENJOY.
P.S. Alot of this is poor humor but the funnier stuff is mixed in at random points.
Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil
Chapter 2: Gay-zombie-egg-swallowing Orgy!
Chris and Sheva had loaded they're hand guns and were locked and loaded. Chris was speaking dramatically into his blue tooth headset. "This is Chris…I am ordering a massive tectonic evasive maneuver, sub alpha zero sub section 2…" He stated professionally. Sheva decided to ignore him. Chris walked around and saw a box "RAWR!" he roared and smashed the box with his machete "I am Chris! Mortal enemy of all things wooden and breakable!" he laughed pounding his chest with one hand. Sheva rolled her eyes "Chris that sounded stupid…" She said but was secretly very impressed. They headed out of the butcher shop and Sheva had been trying to think of something cool to say. Chris began walking "Remember Sheva…Or… Sheever…Whatever your name was, I wasn't really paying attention to the script…Whatever happens…We stick together." He stated heroically as he envisioned using her as a human shield. "Don't worry!" Sheva exclaimed "I might not be as big as you but I can hold my own!" she said finally satisfied with her cool comment. Chris looked at her funny "Hold your own what..? Oh god! Get the hell away from me!.." he exclaimed as he ran down an alley Sheva looked both humiliated and angry "Chris! You sick bastard!" she shouted as she ran after him.
They came across a dead goat that was hog tied, spears were sticking out of it's sides and crows appeared to be feasting on the carcass. Chris roared like thebeast he was "Get away from goat!" He shouted madly as he opened fire on the crows. He reached the goat and saw the crows on the ground and the carcass.
"Oh no..I'm too late..Mission failed Sheva! its over..Oh hey! The crow crapped out some gold!" He exclaimed as he picked it up. Sheva approached. "Chris what are you doing? You can't just run around screaming like a banshee! You'll alert the enemy..Where did you get the money?" she asked as she drooled for secretly she was completely broke. Chris pulled Sheva into a one armed hug. "Good news Sheva... It turns out there really is a God! He has performed the miracle of making birds crap money..Haluh-looya!" He exclaimed excitedly. Sheva felt herself heat up in Chris's arm. "I'm an Atheist.." she stated simply before being dropped on her ass. "You, bitch.." Chris said as he walked off.
They entered a tool shed where there was a goat tied up in a twisted ritual fashion, the ropes binded to the walls to hold it. Chris freaked out."Oh god! Those sick bestiality bondage whores!" he growled in disgust. Sheva grabbed some gold off the counter averting Chris's anger. "What the hell
Sheva! What! The! Hell! That was MY gold!" he said in a jerk like fashion. Sheva rolled her eyes "Sharing is important.." she stated simply with no intention of sharing anything she found.
Chris found a paper written in blood.
Xx Random Paper xX
All outsiders will be dealt with by the firm but steady Blade of punishment! Now we need to pick up the milk and eggs and most importantly we need to pick up some dark meat or else we will all suffer the wrath of the chieftan!
P.S. If there is an outsider reading this don't tell anyone!
Xx End of random paper xX
Chris crumpled the paper "Those sick bastards...Blood is hydrogenic!" he said dramatically. Sheva looked like she was about to puke which to Chris only made him much much cooler. He dashed for the door but Sheva got in the way. "What are you doing!" he asked loudly. "Get out of the way! Move!" he shouted in frustration as Sheva stood there like a doped up druggy.
Author: I think we've all established that Sheva's sole purpose in life is to make things difficult for Chris.
"Die!" Chris shouted in the heat of the moment and shot at Sheva but for some reason nothing happened! Sheva looked shocked "You tried to kill me!" she exclaimed. Chris silently cursed Capcom for making the game Anti-Friendly fire. "Damn you Ashley Graham!" he screamed to the heavens. Sheva stared. "What..?" Chris looked "Huh?" Sheva blinked "Who's Ashley Graham?" Chris looked confused "You should really stay out of the sun Sheva, its fucking with your head." he stated as he walked past her.
Chris walked out of the shed only to hear someone scream. "Oh nooo! Someone is disturbing the peace! Come on Sheverr!" he shouted as he ran to the ran straight "Did you hear that! It came from that building!" she stated. Chris sighed "Weren't you listening I already...Hey! Wait for me!" he said running after her. They entered the apartment building.
They encountered two african men who were holding down another african man. "False alarm Sheva" Chris said. "Just some gay dudes getting jiggy with it.." He said getting ready to leave. "Chris! What are you doing!...Nobody says "getting Jiggy with it" anymore!..The hells the matter with you? You get shot around here for saying shit like that!" She warned. Chris looked stunned "Woa...Sheva you just turned a shade blacker then the white girl you were acting like.." Sheva grinned at the compliment but was interrupted by the African man on the bottom of the orgy. "Excuse me! I'm trying to enjoy myself!" he complained but was gagged as they shoved some kind of egg into his mouth. Sheva was watching intently. "Oh wow...If only I had some popcorn!.." She mumbled. Chris looked disgusted and aimed his gun. "Back off gay dudes!" he shouted. The two african men ontop stood up and ran off.
The African man-in a red shirt got on his knee's hacking and coughing "Oh god! You made me swallow it down the wrong tube!" he croaked. Chris walked over to him "Are you okay?" he asked as the man pushed Chris away. Sheva sighed "Of course he's not okay Chris! He's a ZOMBIE..And now he's bleeding out his eyes...Maybe we should get him to a doctor?" she suggested. "Brilliant deduction Sheva..While your at it go back to watching your gay porn.." Chris said in irritation. The man became silent as he stood up. Chris looked at Sheva for a moment before asking. "Is he a doctor?" The African man-in-red wobbled alittle he then proceeded to say the most intelligant line in history of gaming.. "GRAAAHH!" he howled and ran at them in a gay rage.
"Chris look out!" Sheva screamed as the man grabbed Chris, an alien-like-tongue sprouted from his mouth "OH-MI-GOD SHEVA HELP! HE'S TRYING TO KISS ME!" Shrieked Chris in panic of losing his virginity to a man. Sheva watched in wonder. "Sheva!" Chris screamed as he pushed the man off him and and pointed his gun. He paused wanting to say something cool but Sheva shot the man in the head. "Oh god! My face!" screamed the gay-zombie-man.
Chris roared and hooked him with his arm making him hit the wall. "RAWR! My name is Chris! And!" He was interupted by a gunshot that had killed the gay-zombie-man Sheva stood theyr looking smug. "And everybody haaates Chris!" She sang in reference to her favorite show. "Sheva! What the hell! You just stole my thunder!" He complained. Sheva laughed "You keep talking like that and it'll be true!" she stated as she marked down on a notepad.
Xx Score sheet xX
Chris: 7
Sheva: 1
XxxxxX
Chris sighed and walked out of the apartment mumbling to himself "Your next..." Chris kicked in a door "Oh my gawd Sheva! Theres a zombie in here!" he exclaimed. "Really?" she asked. "No..." Chris stated as he examined a jar. "This jar is full of horrible illegal stuff!" he said. "How do you know?" Asked
Sheva. "I don't..I just need a reason to shoot people...I forgot my license to kill back in Vegas.." He said as he entered a flash back.
Sheva popped the bubble. "NO! We are not spamming the story with rediculous fillers!...It sucks enough as it is.." she grumbled. Chris nodded "OH-MI-GOD! A window! HAA!" he roared as he dove through the window doing a flip as he landed on his feet. "Grr! Man power!" he said acting tough. Sheva jumped out "Chris stop abusing the neighborhood!"Chris rolled his eyes as Sheva ran off. "Come on! They'll find us soon!" she called out. Chris followed. "Don't tell me what to do Sheva! I'll go where I want and when I want!" suddenly some angry-monster-men began shouting in a language Chris didn't understand. "Ooooh no...Oh dear.." Chris said as he watched them come from every possible place. "We have to get out of here!" Sheva exclaimed as she ran off. "No..I'm good thanks.." He said watching the angry-monster-men run at them. "Chris! Hurry! We can't fight them here!" she yelled "ALRIGHT!" Chris
shouted and ran inside a building. Sheva locked the door. "I was under the impression you were MY partner Sheva! I'm the hero! ME!...Stop telling me what to do... Its degrading.." Chris whined.
The radio buzzed as Chris pushed buttons "Kirk! get your white ass on the radio! We're under attack!" he shouted. "This is Kirk..Chris, your white too you know.." replied Kirk. "Am not!" Said Chris "I'm Caucasian.. " Kirk was silent for a moment. "Right...My apologies...But your orders still stand." he said before cutting out. Sheva was panicking which made Chris feel even cooler. "What does that mean?" She asked "Was HQ expecting this?" Chris nodded "Yes Sheva... I'm afraid they sent us in as bait... And without a fishing pole.." he said. Sheva found an iron door and kicked it but it wouldn't budge, she
kicked it again but nothing happened. "Chris..?" She began but was cut off as Chris dove at the door like an all star football player "CHRIS SMASH DOOR!" he roared and laughed as Sheva was sandwiched between him and the door. She laid on the ground crying in pain. "Shake it off Sheverr... There's lots more doors to smash in this crazy ass world.." he said heroically as he walked off.
He came across a giant axe. "Bet that thing could cut you in half Sheva.." he teased before running off. He jumped down into a hole "Come on Sheeverr!" he said excitedly. "Its Sheva!" she called out as she followed. "Don't care!" he said "Because I'm running along, singing a song until I climb this ladder!" he sang.
"Outside!...Wait...Damn..." he said as he found himself in another building. "I am Chris...Tunnel master extroardinair..HYAAH!" He exclaimed as he kicked open the door. He came to another house where there was an angry mob outside. A angry monster man megaphone guy was shouting. "Hey! This bastard had the moxy! the audasity! To own a butcher shop! And then tell me! He doesn't hold any dark meat!" He shouted obnoxiously into the megaphone.
Chris brightened "Hey! its man in a turban!" he said. Suddenly man in a turban was decapitated by angry monster axe man. "Ohh..Poor man in a turban.." Said Sheva. Suddenly Chris was yelling out the window "Boo! You guys suck! Boo!" Sheva's heart seemed to skip a beat. "Chris! What the hell!" She shrieked pulling him from the window. "Don't worry Sheva, I don't think they saw me.." he comforted her. There was a tap on the glass, Chris looked to see thousands of eyes looking in. "Aw Shit..." Chris mumbled.
END OF CHAPTER 2