When I came into work the next day, Holtz seemed in a surprisingly good mood.

I don't know why it surprised me; she was tough and bounced back from stuff better than anyone else I knew, so why would I be the exception to her rule?

I was running on about 45 minutes of fitful sleep but set myself to work on the new hydrogen fan for my glove, hoping to distract myself from all of my thoughts of the blonde engineer. Abby was over the moon to hear Holtzmann had solved the teething issues with the weapon, but I wasn't really in the mood for celebrating so convinced her that I would be better off working on the glove alone (which was a bare faced lie, considering that I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone operate dangerous, high tech machinery) and began half heartedly putting things together.

I wasn't sure why I was feeling like this now I pondered, pulling out a tangled knot of wires from under my desk.

I hadn't wanted to kiss Holtzmann and so I hadn't, which was totally okay, apart from the fact that I now regretted that decision more than anything else. Holtz hadn't made me feel guilty for her, I was just suddenly aware of how much I wanted her now I'd turned her down and she'd taken it so well.

It was simple and petty jealousy, in that I wanted what I couldn't have, though it wasn't like I could turn around and ask Holtzmann to kiss me now, could I.

Could I?

I told myself to let it go and focus on the parts for the glove. I could always go talk things out with Holtz later should I want to, and besides, I doubted she was thinking this all through as much as I was; she'd probably just wanted to try something between us in the heat of the moment. It's just a shame that I hadn't at the time, but now, I wanted to dive back into the heat of the moment face-first.

I wasn't doing a very good job of "letting it go" I noted, as I clocked the fact that I'd been distractedly trying to screw together the same two bits of metal for the last fifteen minutes.This time when I told myself to let it go, I actually went back to work on the glove.

I had pretty much gotten my head together by around 3pm. I'd pushed the thoughts of Holtzmann to the back of my mind and was steadily pulling together the parts for this proton glove (despite accidentally soldering my finger multiple times due to poor judgement caused by lack of sleep). Abby and Patty had gone to investigate the site of a potential minor haunting, and Holtz had dashed off at around two, explaining she was supposed to be meeting a friend in town, which left me at HQ alone, save for Kevin, although Kevin was never really much company. The peace and quiet was nice, I couldn't deny and I thankfully found myself distracted from all my thoughts by the taxing task of putting together the circuit board. My hands weren't steady enough for the soldering and I partially envied Holtz in that sense. Her fingers were slim and nimble and agile and dexterous and would deftly scoot around anything she was working on at a great, yet precise, speed.

Wonder what else that'd make them good for huh, erin? I thought to myself and began to blush, and as if on cue my thoughts were cut off by the door to the lab being flung open by none other than Doctor Jillian Holtzmann.

"Hey Erin!" She called, making her way toward me. I smiled thinly and waved to her, removing the goggles from my face. I caught a movement behind her and curiously glanced over her shoulder to see a short brunette girl glancing around the lab in amazement.

O-kayyy then.

"Sup Holtzy" I laughed, a little on edge "whose the guest?"

She moved aside to let the girl stand next to her before cracking me a wide grin

"Yeah, uh Erin this is Lydia, Lydia this is Erin- the smart one I was talking about" she threw me a wink at that and I swear I felt an ovary explode. She turned to me and pantomime whispered in my direction "Lyd's my date tonight; don't tell her but I think she's real cute"

Lyd laughed.

I choked.

Did I just mishear that?

Was I going insane? I had to be. Too many metal fumes perhaps? Sleep deprivation? Any of the above would have been nice. Maybe even all of them. Sadly I didn't mishear after all and Holtz was stood staring expectantly at me.

This was a joke, right? Last night we nearly kissed. I was mad for the engineer, and the second I realise this, she rolls up with a god damn date?? All my fears were slowly being confirmed right in front of me. This girl was way more attractive than me and by the looks of things had a social life busier than my entire calendar from the last 12 years.

Well then Gilbert, looks like it's game over.

Holtz was still eyeing me up expectantly and I coughed nervously, trying to stop a blush emerging.

"Oh! Uh yeah, awesome yeah... she is uh, yeah. Pretty cute?" I feebly offered, running a hand up my neck. This was not going well. I was struggling to get my head around what was going on. Holtzmann was messing with my feelings, although maybe inadvertently, and I wasn't quite sure what she wanted me to say. The brunette behind her peered at me quizzically and the engineer placed a hand gently on her arm to reassure her. I clenched my jaw.

"Don't mind Erin, she's kind of an awkward wreck."

Ouch.

I half-laughed off the comment but continued to stare down this new girl.

Holtz gently slid an arm round her waist and leaned into her ear, murmuring quietly

"So where dya wanna go tonight babe?" I forced myself to turn away, squeezing my eyes shut to block out the image. I wanted o say I was disgusted but dear God I wished that girl was me. I couldn't tell if Holtzmann was trying to purposely rile me up but this seemed so unlike her normally. Christ I really sucked at letting things go. I was vaguely aware of Lyd replying to Holtzmann, and I heard her laugh, embarrassed, in response but I couldn't make out any distinguishable words. My head was throbbing and it was like some kind of anger was boiling up inside of me.

Erin, this is called JEALOUSY.

Thankfully Holtzmann steered the girl away and towards her lab and I made the executive decision to not think about what they might be doing there, as I began soldering again.

"Hope you enjoy your fucking date" I grumbled under my breath, trying desperately to line up the microchip with my circuit board.

I felt a bit bad for getting so jealous like this, after all, I'd chosen not to kiss her so the engineer had every right to go out and find somebody else. I just couldn't believe how quick she'd moved on. With an exasperated sigh I threw the circuit board onto the desk and slammed down the soldering iron, slumping down into my chair, squeezing my eyes shut and furrowing my brow in an attempt to keep myself together.

This is a load of crap Erin. You just need to go to some bar or something and meet a nice guy and then all this will be forgotten. You're just lonely and hormonal and a night with any guy will make sure that all this is forgotten.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, climbing up from my seat.

I was right.

I had to take my mind off Holtzmann.

I planned on escaping the confines of my cramped lab to a bar seeing as it was near dinner time, and my general plan was to find a nice guy and talk to him.

Or just sleep with him.

At this point I didn't really care so long as it distracted me from Holtzmann, and so I pulled my trench coat on, slid my phone into my pocket and left the lab, switching the lights off behind me. I was so busy trying to flatten my messy hair as I entered the main room in the HQ, that I nearly walked into Holtz and Lyd, who seemed to have made their way out of Holtz's lab and were now pressed up against the door leading to reception, and attaching each other's faces together.

Perfect timing.

I struggled against the urge to scream, cry or perhaps snap my own neck and instead just cleared my throat, shooting a glare at Holtzmann as she glanced up and flushed a deep crimson.

"Oh... I uh.. sorry Erin... ahaha" she laughed weakly and moved herself and Lyd out of the way of the door.

I stood there for half a second, trying to shake the image of Holtzmann passionately kissing the other woman out of my mind, but my brain was transfixed. The way her tongue had brushed the girl's lips, the way her jaw tensed as she moved, the way her nimble hands cupped the side of the girl's face and slid up into her hair. The thought of her hips pressed against mine. It was all too much to bare and my brain was screaming at me that I wished I was that girl. Was I about to cry??

Dear god I better not be.

Tears or not, something had snapped within me. Holtzmann had never felt the same way as I did. I'd just been some little experiment for her. Some new scientific gadget to toy around with, whilst she was bored, and once she was done it got an upgrade. She didn't care how I felt out of all of this, and if she was trying to prove a point then two could play at that game.

I shot holtz a sweet smile and marched past her, purposely letting my shoulder knock into her as I went through the door she was holding open. I was barely thinking as I strolled into reception, my brain boiling over with anger and hurt and betrayal and swelling up with emotion. It was like my body was on autopilot and I felt lightheaded and distant from myself as my legs carried me through reception. Holtzmann, clearly rattled by my sharp reaction to her previous words, was peering nervously around the door, obviously expecting me to storm out, but I didn't leave. Instead I made my way over to Kevin, who was stood trying to straighten a framed photo on the wall, but was clearly having some issues considering he'd superglued it to the wall instead of using a nail.

Jesus christ that guy was dumb.

"Hey Kevin!" I called, my voice surprising even me in its confidence, and he immediately turned around to face me

"Whassa boss how can I-?" He grunted, and before he had time to say something truly stupid, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him down into a kiss.

Back when I'd first joined the Ghostbusters, I would only dream of kissing the receptionist. He was literally more of a painting than a person, but the novelty soon wore off when I realised how much of an idiot he was. It didn't stop me from imagining what it would feel like to kiss him though.

When it came down to it though, I didn't really feel... anything. I wasn't turned on or excited or anything really. It was just kind of... happening. He was surprised at first but quickly eased into the kiss, retaliating against my movements with a little pressure. I was suddenly aware that Holtz was seeing all of this and inadvertently my mind wandered to her, and before I knew what was going on, in my head I was making out with her.

It was her soft lips I was pressing against; not Kevin's rough, firm mouth. I was moving my hands up her skinny waist instead of over Kevin's shirt. I was pressing my nose against her face and her hair was falling into my eyes and not the mousy hair of the receptionist. I was licking at her lips and biting at them, my hands sliding up to her face and-

It all felt a bit too real and I forced myself away from Kevin with a sigh before I could fool my brain any further. I cleared my throat and gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder

"Yeah, so, um... have a nice evening" I muttered lightly, and turned on my heel, leaving him stood stunned and confused. As I made my way out of the reception I risked a glance back at Holtzmann. It wasn't a long glance but her face said enough.

She was furious.

Or sad.

Or neither, or both or a combination of every emotion that's been and gone.

And only then did the weight of what I'd done hit me. I'd sank to her level, if not worse. I'd just kissed Kevin for no reason which would have fucked with him big time, and I'd done that in front of Holtzmann for no reason other than trying to prove a point (but I didn't know what point exactly) which would have fucked with her big time. Not to mention the fact that I'd just imagined I was kissing someone else whilst making out with Kevin. What kind of a twat even does that?

Jesus christ Erin you've really fucked it all now.

As the feeling of guilt plunged into my stomach like a lead weight through water, I ran down the stairs and out of HQ into the street below.

I had messed this up.