Chapter Two: The Wrath of Amy

As far as Sheldon Cooper was concerned, there was nothing worse than an emotional female. They were as prickly and unpredictable as a wet hen. And, as he had endured more than one traumatic experience with an enraged fowl, he considered himself somewhat of an expert on the subject.

Remain calm. Remain in control. When feelings have free reign, chaos wins. Under no circumstances can chaos win. Remain calm. Remain in control.

After practicing a few of his Kohlinar breathing techniques, he was ready to deal with the situation before him. The fear he'd felt earlier was gone. Amy's not going to break up with me. She's bluffing.

He opened his eyes, looking at his girlfriend once more. She didn't seem any happier now than she had five seconds ago. In fact, if today was one of his pre-scheduled days of whimsy, he might have allowed himself to think that her eyes were blazing pools of green fire. But, angry eyes or not, he was not going to let her overabundance of sentiment and irrationality sway him from his present task, which was taking absolute control of this out-of-control situation.

"We shouldn't discuss this now, Amy. I'm at work, and you're clearly feeling overemotional. Is it perhaps time for your menses?" The fire in her eyes flamed higher at this, so he sped up his speech to get the part which would, no doubt, be the key to mollifying her. "I would much prefer our dialogue on this subject to be calm and based in logic. I agree that, as you are my girlfriend and I am legally bound to you by the relationship agreement, I owe you a thorough explanation not only concerning what you might have overheard between Kripke and myself, but also in terms of Candace. However, I refuse to present that explanation without proper time to prepare. Section 13 of the relationship agreement gives me the right to postpone quarrels until such time as I—"

"Fuck the relationship agreement. Explain. Now."

Sheldon's jaw dropped. Did Amy really say …? Has she lost her mind? "One does not coitus the relationship agreement, Amy," he said, stiffly. "It is a sacrosanct covenant between us which—"

"You have thirty seconds left," she announced, her face determined.

Not that he was so good at reading people's facial expressions anyway, but as the Angry Amy side of his girlfriend was something he'd had previous dealings with, he knew well what a determined expression from her usually meant. His cool exterior quickly grew rattled.

"I can't possibly explain in thirty seconds."

"You don't have thirty seconds."

Thank goodness. He sighed in relief, resting a hand on his chest. "Then, you're willing to give me more time?"

"No, you now have eighteen seconds. I'm serious, Sheldon. Start talking or I'm going to start walking." She looked down at her watch.

"You're being intolerable, Amy. You know I hate it when you're like that."

"Ten," she declared, apparently unwilling to care what he hated.

"Give me until Friday. I'll be finished with this ridiculous proposal with Kripke and I can—"

"Nine."

"OK. I'm more than willing to negotiate. Our next date night is Thursday. How about—"

"Eight."

"Tomorrow," he threw out, in full panic mode now. "How about tomorrow? Final offer!"

"Seven."

"I can't possibly complete a full explanation in seven seconds. This thing with Kripke, it's not that big a deal. I know what you heard sounded bad, but when I explain, you're going to feel silly. Moreover, I would like to point out that you should know better than to eavesdrop on someone else's conversation. It's rude."

She didn't even look up from her watch when she announced, "Four seconds."

"Four? What happened to six and five?"

"You were blabbering then. Two seconds."

"Blabbering?" he shot back, offended. "I never blabber."

"One."

"Amy Farrah Fowler, you will listen to me," he barked, relieved to see he now had her attention. She was glaring at him, but he still had her attention. "I am the boyfriend and as it is evident that you are on the verge of histrionics here, I have no choice but to put my foot down until you return to your usual amicable, rational self. I have agreed that you deserve an explanation, and I have generously offered to grant that explanation tomorrow even though you know I play Halo with my friends every Wednesday night. Pardon my unforgiveable slang, but you are going to have to 'cool your jets' until then." He paused before deciding to add something he'd once seen Penny use quite convincingly on Leonard. "Got it?"

Amy blinked. Then, she blinked again. Her complexion wasn't the typical pale, waxy color he favored. It was more mottled with red, especially her cheeks. Still, as she wasn't yelling or counting on her watch anymore, he took that as a positive thing. I hate to admit it, but I might have to watch Penny carefully the next time she and Leonard argue. Her technique has amazing results.

As nonchalantly as possible, Sheldon reached down to pick up his fork and started raking his salad into a symmetrical pattern. After all, one could not eat an incongruent salad. Once he finished his task, he and Amy would enjoy a discussion on—

The slamming of the door startled him. He looked at the empty chair in front of the desk, the one Amy had occupied mere seconds ago. Then, his eyes automatically flashed to the closed door.

She was gone. His brain raced. What if she isn't bluffing? What if she breaks up with me? He pushed the salad away, unable to even process hunger right now.

Closing his eyes, he used Kohlinar to regain his composure. With chaos, comes destruction. He inhaled. Remain calm. Remain in control. He exhaled. It took a few more minutes, but when he finally reopened his eyes, he felt better.

Amy was angry. She had every right to be. He should have dealt with this issue a long time ago. He just hadn't ever expected this to happen. Why would it? Amy worked at UCLA. Who would have thought she would ever hear what was being said at Caltech? He'd done the math. The percentage was too low to worry about. And what difference did it make what someone like Kripke said if it was a lie anyway? Amy should be more like me, he decided. I couldn't care less what others think of me or my choices. Why would I? I am superior to them in every way.

As alike as he and Amy were in most things, how they dealt with emotions was one area where they greatly differed. The more time he spent with her this summer, the more that particular truth became obvious. He preferred to sort and deal with emotions one by one, rationalizing them away. Amy, however, seemed to prefer to savor every inch of them like it was the latest issue of Batman or something. Slowly, after spending more and more time with her, he had found himself falling into a lot of the same bad patterns, doing things he would never ordinarily let himself do. His mind went back to their last night together. The memory flew at him like a baseball to the face.

Why did I do that? Am I really so lacking in control when it comes to her? He rested his head in his hands. Sheldon had known the second Amy had driven off that night what he'd had to do. He had to retake control of himself and of this situation. It was getting out of hand. Chaos was winning. It couldn't win. He could stop it. And he'd done it. Quite successfully.

Until now.

"Good grief," he grumbled. "Why did she have to come here today of all days? Wasn't it enough that I was already going to see her on Thursday?"

I did the right thing. She was taking command of the relationship, making me do things for which I clearly wasn't ready. I simply took it back. Today, while unfortunate, will no doubt prove a lesson to her about how letting impulsive emotions rule you is the way to certain disaster. He hated to bring pain to Amy, of course, but it was still a lesson she needed to learn.

"I'll let her calm down. She'll calm down," he told himself. "Then, once I give her the explanation she wants, I will remind her of the rules in the relationship agreement. Obviously, given her use of vulgar language, it is past time we had that particular discussion. We have the document for a reason, after all. These days of willy-nilly rule-breaking are done."

He gave himself a large nod. Now that he had a firm plan in hand, the panic, the disorder and the confusion receded. See? I remained calm and in control and everything is fine.

Tomorrow, Amy would see this, too. Of that he was certain.

—TMR—

"So, what are you going to do?"

Amy ran a hand over her face in frustration and sat back on Bernadette's couch. "I don't know."

"You threatened to break up with him if he didn't explain," Bernadette said. "He didn't explain. What choice do you have? If you don't break up with him, he'll think he can do whatever he wants to you without penalty."

Amy frowned. "But if I break up with him, he can do whatever he wants. He wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore. Besides, I don't want to lose him. He's my … everything."

Bernadette poured the last of the wine into Amy's glass and handed it to her. "Well, that boy clearly needs a wake-up call. He can't be allowed to treat you this way. I would castrate Howie if he did something like this. You've got to take action."

Amy took the glass, but didn't drink any of it. Alcohol would only make this worse. Her relationship was ruins, she was humiliated, and her boyfriend was a first class jerk. Take action? What action? Right now, the only actions she was torn between included wanting to stay in her bed crying all night and wishing Sheldon owned a car so she could slash his tires. She looked over at her bestie, who was already opening the second bottle of wine she brought and pouring herself a glass full.

"You're awfully quiet tonight, Penny. I figured you'd be calling for Sheldon's head on a pike or something at this point," she said.

"Don't worry," Penny replied, with a scowl. "I'm going to hogtie me a scrawny physicist the first chance I get." She gulped down her wine and immediately poured another. Amy had been around her long enough to know that her friend only drank like this when she was hiding something.

"Are you all right? Is there a problem with Leonard?" Amy asked.

"Nope. We're fine. We're good. Couldn't be better. I'm just thinking … really hard … about all that happened to you this afternoon. It sucks, you know?" Penny's eyes darted around like a trapped rat.

Amy's neurobiology instincts kicked in, and they were screaming that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

"All right, Penelope. Spill. What do you know about this?" she demanded.

"Nothing," Penny said, her voice muffled as she gulped at her third glass of wine.

Amy snatched away the bottle before she could dive in for her fourth. "No. No more for you until you tell me what you're hiding."

Penny set down her glass and eyed her two friends warily. "You'll be mad."

"Unless you're going to tell me you've been sleeping with Sheldon behind my back, I think we'll be fine," Amy said.

"Sleeping with Sheldon? Yuck. As if!" She gave an all-over body shiver of disgust. "That would be like having sex with my annoying little brother or something. It's wrong on all levels. I'd rather have sex with a monkey—or Howard."

"Hey!" Bernadette chirped defiantly.

Penny's hands flew up in surrender. "No offense. I'm merely trying make a point. I love Leonard. He's my boyfriend, and the only one I want."

"And I'm your best friend; so tell me what you know," Amy said.

Penny slumped, raking her hand uneasily through her blonde hair—somehow making it look stunningly tousled in a way Amy couldn't have gotten even if she'd gone to a high-end salon. "You won't like it."

When Bernadette and Amy just kept staring at her expectantly, she said, "Fine. I—kind of—already knew about this whole Kripke thing."

"What?" Bernadette screeched.

Amy couldn't say anything. She was too shocked. Penny knew?

Bernadette, however, had no such issue."How did you know? Did Sheldon tell you?"

The waitress shrugged. "He kind of told me and Leonard. He wanted to make sure, if Kripke asked him about it, Leonard would know what to say."

"What did Sheldon tell him to say?"

The blonde's face scrunched in concentration. "It was something about how he had told Kripke the Shamy sexy time was …" She paused, visibly trying to remember. "Oh yeah. 'Frequent, intense and whimsically inventive'. Leonard especially liked the last part."

Amy groaned and buried her face in her hands. Her humiliation could not be more complete. She hadn't felt this mortified since freshman year in high school when a few of her classmates covered her locker in tampons dipped in red food dye. Could this get any worse?

"Penny, Sheldon told you all this and you didn't immediately kill him? What the hell?" Bernadette demanded.

The surrender-hands went up again. "Don't get mad, but I kind of got distracted by something else he said instead."

Amy's head popped up. Oh God. This could get worse. "What? What else did he say?"

"Well, I asked him if he was ever going to give it up to you. You know, take your relationship to the ultimate level."

Oh yeah, Amy thought, burying her face again. This is so worse. Is this what everyone does when I'm not around? Talk about my non-existent sex life? This was worse than the night of Dungeons and Dragons when everyone had expected her and Sheldon to have public, role-playing sex like a couple of trained monkeys.

"What was his answer?" Bernadette asked.

"He said yes."

Amy's head shot up so fast she felt dizzy. She grabbed Penny's hand so she would have to look at her. "You're sure that is what he said?"

Penny eyed her warily. "It's not a direct quote, but it's what he meant."

"Oh my God," Bernadette screamed, bouncing up and down on the couch. "Do you know what this means? This is epic. Sheldon Cooper actually wants to have sex with Amy! It's like the second coming of Christ or something. We should sell tickets."

"I know. I was so freaked out, I kept smacking Leonard in excitement. He had two large bruises on his arm for like a week. He bragged to all the guys he got them working out."

Bernadette laughed and turned to Amy. "Oh my God! Oh my God! Sheldon wants to have sex with you. Isn't that great?"

Amy, however, was less than excited. "Penny, what were his exact words?"

Penny scrunched up her face again, only making herself more beautiful in the process. Amy rolled her eyes. At times like this, it was hard to be best friends with someone like her.

"He said, 'It's a possibility' or something like that."

Bernadette let out a little squeal of delight and shared a high-five with Penny. Amy, however, slumped back against the couch, shaking her head ruefully. They just don't get it, do they? She'd come here tonight, hoping a little female bonding time would make her forget her relationship troubles for a while and feel better.

This is not better. This is hell on earth.

"Amy?" Bernadette said, finally taking full notice of her friend's less-than-elated demeanor. "What's wrong? Doesn't this make you happy? Isn't it what you've always wanted?"

"What I've always wanted? I've always wanted to have sex with a man who decides to tell everyone but me that he wants to do so? I've always wanted to have sex with a man who allowed some skank of a science hanger-on to fall all over him even though I was right there in the same room? I've always wanted to have sex with a man who can't even respect me enough to give me an honest explanation when I caught him in something red-handed?" She shot to her feet. "No, I can't say that any of that is what I've always wanted."

"Amy—" Penny started.

"No, I know you two mean well, but you just don't get it. I'm glad you think this is such a great thing, but it isn't. First, Sheldon said it was a 'possibility'. Now, in others, that might translate to an affirmative. To Sheldon, it simply means 'it's a possibility.' No more, no less. If you asked him if he could wake up tomorrow and find himself in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, he would say, 'It's a possibility.' So what?" She grabbed her purse and slung it over her shoulder. "Second, my intimate life with Sheldon is just that—mine. It's not some sitcom for everyone to laugh at. The same way your fears of having a baby aren't funny, Bernadette—even though you and Howard would make wonderful parents and you need to get over that. If you can handle his mother, you can handle his child. Or, Penny, your fear-of-commitment issues with Leonard—a man who clearly loves you and would do anything for you. But you can't give in because you're afraid he might wake up one morning and decide he can't handle the fact that you're not a genius. When are you going to realize he loves you as you are? You think that kind of devotion comes along every day? Get over yourself. You want to be smarter? Go to college and get a degree!"

Both women stared at her, aghast. Amy stormed towards the door.

"Are you leaving? Where are you going?" Bernadette asked.

"Amy, don't go. We're sorry," Penny said.

"I'm going home," Amy said. "I came here looking for some understanding and female camaraderie to help me figure out what to do about a humiliating situation. Instead, I end up being more humiliated."

"We're sorry," Penny exclaimed.

"You keep saying that. You said it the night of Dungeons and Dragons, Penny. But it doesn't change your actions, does it? It doesn't change how you view me or how you view my relationship with Sheldon. I've spent most of my life being the punch line of someone's joke. Well, you know what? No more."

Tears were coming now, but Amy didn't care. Her world was in turmoil. It was time for them to realize the pain their actions had caused. Her friends jumped to their feet, trying to coax her to accept their apologies, to stay with them and to let them explain. But it was too late. She couldn't be around them. She didn't want to listen to them anymore. Right now, she didn't even want to look at them. So, with a dismissive wave over her head, she left, slamming the door behind her as she went and feeling an anger so deep, it felt like rage.

The period for explanations was over. Now was the time for action.