Chapter Two: The Day the World begins Again
Things had been quiet since Ami had come home.
Home. She had never thought she would ever call the tower that. The Gilded Cage.
She mainly busied herself with the daily task of running her classes, spending time with Wynne, Zev and Oghren. She was surprised how much she was enjoying teaching the young apprentices and even more surprised at the leniency of Greagoir since her return. On her way to the dining hall she had even began to have occasional brief talks with Cullen.
Cullen she thought. The brief talks were mainly her passing by his post and saying hello, good morning, how are you? Nothing solid. Nothing like before her Harrowing where rumours had flew around the tower, they had been quite good friends, well, as friendly as any mage and templar could be.
She sighed and stretched, the day had been long and uneventful, her young charges sapping her of energy. She yawned and looked out her study window. The days were darkening and autumn would soon be arriving signalling the end of the year. She had been back at the tower for just over three weeks resuming her duties as a Circle mage. The Wardens had finally found her after her disappearing act and she had received questions from them about the final battle. She replied, answering their questions and had told them she would continue her duties as a Grey Warden and seek recruits both within and surrounding the Circle. She made it clear however, that for the time being her place was at the Circle but if they had need of her she would not refuse their call.
She found it hard to keep her eyes open and she was surprised at how tired she was. It slightly troubled her but she wasn't about to let it get her down, it's probably a cold she told herself. She had, of course, been through worse than a spell of exhaustion. She wanted desperately to talk to someone other than her three companions and decided to seek Cullen out. She sighed and sunk into her chair. It was time she tore the scab off the wound and talked to him. She pushed herself up gathered her staff, placing it on her back and walked towards the door. A sudden stream of nausea plagued her for a moment and she clasped her hand over her mouth. She stepped into the hall and steadied herself on the nearby wall. She pressed passed it and mentally settled her stomach. It definitely must be a sickness bug, it has been going around the tower, she mused. It was time; she needed to have her friend again, despite how she was feeling.
She found him in the Upper library. Of all places, it would have to be his most favourite place, she thought. Here he had spent his time watching her, even when he thought she didn't notice instead of doing his real duty. She looked around the floor and the two floors above, watching to see if there were any other mages or Templar's in the library. Thankfully he seemed to be the only one and she approached him slowly, taking care not to startle him. There was nothing more dangerous than startling a Templar, especially an edgy one.
"Evening Cullen," she began, giving him a friendly smile.
"Evening Amilia," he replied, tipping his head towards her.
Ami turned to him and cocked her head.
"Cullen why do have to call me Amilia, Ami is fine; you used to call me that."
She sat down at a table near the doorway, placing her staff on the back of the chair before spinning around and looking at the shelf behind her. She glanced at Cullen's reaction as gave him permission to call her by the nickname. His face flushed and he seemed to scowl slightly at his actions. Ami only caught a glimpse of the flushed skin at the base of his helm and smiled. The shift in his weight revealed that he was unsure of how to react but it didn't bother her too much, she would take it slow.
"Ami …" he began.
"It's much less formal don't you think? And it makes me seem more approachable to the younger mages. You did used to call me that, remember," she remarked not looking at him. She finally found a large tome and sat near him.
"I remember but Wynne calls you Amilia," he said.
Ami chuckled "Yes, but its Wynne," she muttered, "she's like my grandmother and First Enchanter now. She has to call me Amilia; it's the only way she can get me to act seriously around her and the other senior mages." She laughed.
That laugh, Cullen thought. That beautiful singing laugh.
In the three weeks she had been back she had acted like things had never changed between them but she was wrong. Things had changed. She was now Wynne's second, she was a Grey Warden and he had changed too. She was able to leave when she wished due to her status yet after the final battle she returned, she came 'home' she had said. She confused him. His mind wondered what must have happened to her 'friend' that would cause her to leave Denerim three days after the final battle, two days after the Kings coronation and then take two weeks to travel back to the Circle. Even with stops to every Inn on the way back it still wouldn't have taken that long, unless she had other reasons to delay her return. She puzzled him, she had indeed changed but there were still things about her that hadn't.
He looked at her closely through his helm. The Blight had darkened her some of her features, a few lines had grown but only appeared when she was in a state of worry or deep in concentration. Her long blonde hair had grown long past her shoulders since the last time he saw it but still he found it beautiful. It shaped her face, even when one of the curls went rogue. Her loose blonde curls were beautiful against her long slender features and her eyes. Maker. They still stopped his heart, and caught his breath in an instant depending on the look she gave. Those blue-gray eyes that might shine in the moonlight, not that he'd ever seen her in moonlight but Maker she would look beautiful. He felt his helm was beginning to become too hot, sweat dripping down the back of his neck. He couldn't take it any longer and took it off. He silently cursed himself; he shouldn't think these things anymore it was because of her that the mages still lived. He battled his anger but her compassion, the thing that reverberated off her, had softened his hatred be it slightly. He had been so angry after the coup, so angry they had him on high doses of Lyrium until he had calmed down. He hated the vile stuff and vowed never to take it again after that, he would deal with his anger and fear without it.
He reminded himself again and again that she had saved them. She had saved them all; she had united the lands against an impossible force, settled a dwarven election, found the resting place of Andraste herself, saved a nobleman, elected the rightful King and then saved the world from an arch demon. She had done so much and what had he done, stood in the tower in his own misery and paranoia. He had let his anger and fear control him and he loathed how weak he had become. She had faced more evil than anyone should and all he could do was remain angry at her in spite of her choices.
She looked up to him as he removed his helm and smiled. That dam smile again and he couldn't help but blush and smile back. She had pulled out a piece of parchment and had begun scribbling as he had been watching her and she had kept glancing up, mouth half-opened about to speak but no words came out. He should say something; he thought and after a few agonising moments spoke.
"How ar .. are y-y-your n-new charges?" dam stutter, he thought.
She smiled at him and turned in the chair to talk to him. She went on about one of the young boys she had to take, talking about his behaviour and how she had asked Wynne for guidance about it. She told him that she felt more the pupil than him and that she wasn't sure if her method were wrong or if her pupil just needed time. She sighed again and looked up to him and then asked him something he wasn't expecting.
"What do you think Cullen?" she asked.
She was asking his opinion, a mage asking a templar of his opinion on the training of another mage. He wasn't sure how or even if he wanted to answer and she seemed to see this.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked that, you probably don't want to answer that"
She went back to being quiet and as she turned to read he sighed. He decided there that he was a templar and she a mage; she was his charge regardless of the past. She was helping restore and build for the future what was the harm in helping her? Maker if they didn't help each other how on Thedas would they be able to help each other with something more serious maker forbid.
"How old is he?"
She stopped scribbling and turned, her eyes unsure whether to continue until she had decided.
"Six … I think, he's not really sure when his birthday is."
"Why not have your hound come to your classes. I remember when I was around that age I loved dogs." He offered.
Her face beamed, how did she not think of that before. Before Cullen realised she had even stood she was there hugging him tightly, inches from his face. He could feel the blood running to his face and looked down to see her head on his chest. Anger, fear, dread, regret and longing flooded through his mind why was she doing this to him again? Dear Maker, if someone walked in now. His mind screamed but his heart yearned to draw her closer. As soon as it had begun it was over and she apologized.
"Oh Maker … I'm sorry Cullen I-I-I shouldn't have …" her hand covered her mouth and she quickly looked to see if anyone saw. She looked to the floor, her head in her hands cursing.
"N-n-no it … it's al-alright I," he coughed, "you just surprised me, ahem." He shifted his feet and stance.
What was he saying, of course it was wrong. She's a mage and I'm a Templar, if anyone saw that … if Greagoir saw that. He shook his head, why of all things would the Maker send her to torment him … again.
"Still … I feel bad for it. I-I-I'm going to go get a few books and then I think I shall head to my chamber." Cullen saw her face flush as she turned away. He felt a cocktail for feelings well up and then suppressed by his training.
Self control Cullen, self control.
Ami turned and began to climb the ladder. She wanted an interesting book to distract her from the increasing heat that was rising from her toes to her chest and cheeks. Why was talking to him so distracting? She shook her head and looked to the rows of books; she tried to pull one of the larger volumes from the shelf. It was just out of reach of her finger tips and they clawed at the spine. She frowned and leaned her weight back on the ladder. Again she felt another wave of nausea hit her this time more strongly, enough for her to become disorientated and almost faint by its abruptness. She gripped a tighter hold on the supports of the ladder and waited, suddenly feeling tired and the urge to vomit continuously. She remembered only ever felt ill like this once and it was during her herbalist and poison sessions with Zevran. She had accidently inhaled some of the venom and spent the next day in her tent violently vomiting. This time the nausea was more violent and coming in waves, she gripped tighter on the rails, her knuckles white and knelt. She groaned as the waves of nausea cascaded over her stomach.
"Are you alright my lady?" asked Cullen.
Ami heard the hint of concern in his voice as he noticed her apparent distress. She swallowed hard and looked to him and then smiled.
"I'm fine Cullen, thank you. I think I'm just feeling a bit under the weather, I'll be fine in a few minutes." She smiled and he seemed to take her excuse but stayed close.
She called a bit of healing magic to help soothe her nausea but before she felt any effects of her power she felt a twang of something else. It was something that was not quite there and yet, completely there. It was as if there was another presence nearby that she had overlooked and only now revealed itself. Her eyes darted around the room seeking demons, darkspawn or any foul abomination that might have been a threat but none surfaced. She tried to stretch out her Warden senses but nothing came out of the shadows around her.
Cullen was looking at her with intense concern, his eyes refusing to let go of her expression. First it had been as if she had been a hare on sentry, then questioning as if something she sensed puzzled her and then, as she turned to him, she gasped at the realisation of what the was wrong.
"Makers Breath!" she gasped, "I can't be?" she looked to Cullen and he saw fear in her eyes.
"Cullen you're going to have to …" but before she could finish her body went rigid and her eyes rolled and she was falling.
Complete and utter exhaustion took over and she fell from the ladder. Cullen surged forward and quickly caught her. Her body was shaking, her hands clammy and stiff as he set her gently down. He remembered bellowing for his brothers to come and barking orders to get Wynne and Greagoir. His face was set on hers until they arrived. He watched as her skin turned a very grey colour but then pinked quite quickly again. Her body was hot, sweating and she was trembling and he quickly loosened her top button to allow her to breathe more easily.
What was taking Wynne so bloody long? He asked himself.
He cradled her in his arms until she arrived making sure that she was still breathing and that there was no obvious demon or fade activity. To his surprise there was none. The veil did not ripe open, no demons attacked him and she didn't act like the demon who had tormented him, she just lay their in some sort of shock in his arms.
"What happened?"
Cullen snapped back to reality at the sharp voice of Wynne. She quickly knelt beside Cullen and asked him to place her down gently.
"I don't know. One minute she was fine and the next she was disoriented and unbalanced. If I hadn't been closer she would have fallen and ..." Cullen didn't finish as he watched the mage.
Wynne's face was tense and she looked back at Cullen and asked if she had said anything.
"No … well … all she said was she was feeling a bit under the weather and then she was about to ask me something and then collapsed. Why? What's wrong with her?"
"I don't know," she sighed. "I need time to examine her further take her to the infirmary for me." She nodded, standing up and addressed the other templar's. "You can all stand down; there is no treat of demons and abominations being brought through the veil."
"I am the one who will decide if it's a threat or not," another voice snapped.
Wynne turned to see Knight Commander Greagoir standing in the doorway his arms folded glaring at her. Cullen watched as Wynne met his gaze full on, unlike Irving Wynne argued until she was blue in the face and he didn't know if she did it just to spite the Knight-Commander or not.
"I don't know what is wrong with her yet I need time to examine her further Greagoir. Send some of your Templar's with me if you see fit but I will not let her lie here becoming weaker by the minute."
Wynne shot him a look as she argued with him and he nodded in agreement.
"Cullen," Greagoir pointed at him, "you and Bryn," his pointed finger indicating the templar next to him, "go along and keep an eye out for activity. I will not have this Circle have demons stalking the halls again under my watch do you understand?"
Cullen and Bryn nodded. Cullen, his arms filled with Ami's body felt a tinge of fear as he looked on her pale face. Her hair was now soaked and her body limp as they marched off to the infirmary.
Greagoir had them stay until he sent others to replace them. They continued to watch her for four days and in that time nothing happened, the veil did not tare, no demons or abominations awoke and stalked the halls, nothing. Yet Cullen was not at ease, fear of the previous attack haunted his mind and he resolved that he would kill her regardless of how much pain it would cause him. He would not let her hurt more people. Yet when he glanced through the door at her his heart sank, she would never allow herself to become one of them would she? She defeated the arch demon, she had done all those things, she was strong and he knew that. Wynne had barely slept and by Ami's side and slumped in chairs next to her bed were her two friends the elf and the dwarf. Artie, her hound had taken up post beside Cullen. The Templar thought it most strange, he knew the breed had unflinching loyalty yet he was not at his master's side. He assumed that the hound was just standing watching, waiting for any response from his master, little did he know that Artie was actually watching him instead. There were moments when she seemed to stir and mumble names and places but nothing that Cullen recognised, until one night while Cullen was on watch alone he heard her mumble his name. Bryn had been struck ill and Greagoir had been unable to replace him that night.
The hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he could not help but turn and look at her. A smile came across her face as she said his name again and Cullen thought he saw the slightest blush. She was so vulnerable at that moment; it was hard for him to believe that she had killed an arch demon.
She whispered on, "I'm sorry Cullen, I'm sorry for what happened. I didn't mean to hurt you, to hurt anyone, I'm sorry please don't blame them, don't blame what the Maker made us."
Her face was pained and she let out a howl and tears welled up in her eyes. She began to stir again but this time awoke slowly, groaning and stretching her arms out. She brushed passed Wynne's arm, waking the woman with a smile. Cullen turned back to his stance, thanking the Maker silently.
"Thank the Maker! I thought you would never wake up!" Wynne exclaimed.
"Nice to see you Wynne, what happened?" she croaked and tried to pull herself up into a sitting position. Weakness in her arms forced her to re-consider and after a moment she tried again.
"Now don't move much, I think you have some explaining to do. I think you know very well what happened young lady! Just," … she looked at the elf and dwarf, both of whom were still asleep and whispered, "… Just when were you thinking of telling me about the baby?"
Cullen felt he had been kicked in the chest. A baby? Ami was going to have a baby?
"I," she began, her voice shaking "… I only found out before I blacked out. Or fainted? What happened?"
She spoke very quietly, her head dropped to her chest and all of her confidence seemed to disappear. Cullen had never seen her like that. Ami always had confidence in abundance, but who couldn't be worried about what she was going to go through. Was going through Cullen corrected himself. He knew what happened if a mage fell pregnant and he didn't doubt she knew.
"I'm not quite sure, I think it has something to do with the taint in your blood but I don't know I need to do some research. One thing I must know Amilia and I must know this. Is Alistair the father?" Wynne looked at her sternly.
"Like you need to ask that question Wynne!" her face darkened and she choked back a sob, "… But … Yes. He is the father."
Cullen saw the pain and ache that reached across Ami's face at the mention of the King. She started to cry and buried her face in her hands; Wynne's tough exterior gave way to a softer more calming demure and she wrapped her arms around Ami's shoulders.
"I-I-I never thought, I k-knew Grey Wardens could have children but two, together, the odds were impossible." She cried as Wynne held her.
"Is this why you left Denerim?" Wynne asked her stroking her hair. Ami shook her head, and turned to Wynne, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"N-no … no. I left for other reasons but Wynne you have to promise me, you must promise me you won't tell him. You can't. It would damage him, the Circle, me and the baby. Promise me you won't?"
She gripped Wynne's hands begging her pleading her not to tell the King about her pregnancy. Wynne's face seemed to harden again and looked sick.
"I can't believe you would want to deceive him Amilia! You of all people and from something of this significance, you know his thoughts about family! How can I not tell him, he is our King!" she scowled at her and then sighed. "Besides he already knows you are here, he will be here in two days and you are in no fit state to go anywhere and don't you even think of trying it. I'll have Cullen pin you down before I see you run before you even talk to him about this!"
Wynne walked out and left Ami alone with the drunken duo still asleep. Cullen later entered and ousted them out. Realising that she was fine the two obeyed and left her. Cullen remained, his eyes fixed on the end of the bed.
"You must think I'm awful Cullen," she began.
He stayed silent for a moment pondering his response, his training and Chantry upbringing screaming judgement but his nature wanted to understand her reasons. He did know her well enough but he knew she wouldn't do something without thinking about the consequences. Finally he spoke she is quite taken aback.
"He. He must have done something that made you leave Denerim. For you to walk out on the man you … you love there must have been more to it than that. I know you wouldn't have done it lightly."
He finally looked up to her face properly. It was all splotchy from crying but even then he found her round face sweet and inviting. She nodded and swallowed hard.
"I made him King" she whispers, "I made him King!" with a little more venom. "Knowing that I could never be with him after that." She began playing with her hair as she spoke, a trait he'd often seen when she was trying to concentrate.
"He told me. He told me in-front of everyone that we couldn't be together. Everyone Cullen! No but I-I expected that. But I wasn't expecting what he said in private, after the final battle. After Morrigan and the arch demon and everything." She clenched her hands and held them in her lap, best not to think about Morrigan, she thought.
"What did he do Ami?" he said gently and she glanced up at him. She smiled that he called her that but it was short lived.
"I knew. I knew he'd have to find a wife and produce an heir. I knew that. But he asked me. He asked me to stay and be with him like, like a hidden lover in the dark. He begged me to stay and be with him but I couldn't. I couldn't let what we have," she scowled, "had, be kept in the dark like it was wrong. I didn't want half a life with him I wanted completeness, I-I wanted him. I didn't want him sneaking between two beds living half a life with me in the dark and another in the open. Neither of us would've been happy, at least apart we could forget, not that it would happen but I could hope. We could try to make our own happiness."
There was a long silence between them. Ami shifted in the bed and looked to Cullen, her eyes desperate for some answers or resolution, to be told she was selfish, that she was wrong, right, anything.
After what felt like an age, Cullen sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. She shrank back a little at his touch but relaxed after a few moments.
"You stood by what you believed was right Ami. You chose to leave, at the expense of your own heart for the greater good. I know that Kings have had women as their secrets but you, you cannot be a secret. You are the Hero of Ferelden. If he truly knew you he would know that you are something that cannot be hidden away while he played King. But I-I agree with Wynne. He should know about the baby. You at least owe him that amount."
With that she cried again, holding his hand on her shoulder. Why? Why was it always a Templar that made her feel better she thought?
She looked up to Cullen through the tears. He smiled back at her.
"No matter what happens. I am your templar I will be hear to defend you from any harm be it demon or man. We'll see that you and the child are safe either way."
She smiled back at him.
"I don't want to return to Denerim, or anywhere else. I don't want my child to be in the public eye or be taken by the Chantry. They will never be safe. Never! The fact that it is Alistair's child, that they could have magic, that it may even cause problems with the Chantry. Maker knows what else! I will not, I cannot allow that. My child will live free of them, free of the shadows that we lived under."
"I can understand that. But Ami, he deserves to know. Maybe together you can work something for your child to live this freedom that you wish but alone you will be hunted, by him, others and yourself."
Ami sighed, he was right. She looked up to him and smiled at him.
"Since when did my Cullen become such an optimist and wizened?" she asked slyly.
"I try my best, my lady. I only hope it helps." With that he bowed and returned to his post, turning to smile at her as he walked away. The next few days would be interesting.