Newly Born

Bella Swan -

As I came back to myself, I laid out a strategy in my mind before daring to open my eyes, deciding whether to fight, weighing out methods of escape. I could tell that there were others in the building with me and by their scents I knew that they were somehow familiar to me. However, I couldn't quite think of who they were (who am I?) because the only thing I could dredge up in my mind was the pain that racked me for what seemed like years. My body still felt hot from the flames that had eaten me alive, and I could still feel the remnants of the cremation, like embers, smoldering in my throat.

In a flash, I was up against the wall, teeth bared, a low, throaty growl emanating from my chest. In the next second I realized that I couldn't breathe, because something large and rough and white-hot had indeed been thrust down my throat. My hands reached up to cup my neck and I bent over at the waist, overwhelmed by the intensity and lust and need that I felt. My brain quickly registered all of the new sensory perceptions, filed them away for me to think about later. I began to gag and wretch, trying to dislodge or soothe or tear out whatever was scorching the tunnel of my neck. As my body was bent over, I noticed the dirty cloth of the hospital gown hanging in front of me, my mind duly noted that it was never tied. I straightened up a little as my brain finally cataloged my nudity, and my eyes did their very first scan around the disheveled room.

Instantly it all came crashing down around me. I remembered how quickly Edward had flipped me over and tore off my clothes. I remembered the quick dull pain of his attack and the impossible scorching pain that followed it. I remembered Alice's cool hands carrying me into this house, screaming for Carlisle, bounding up the stairs with me as I watched the trail of blood that followed us. I remembered seeing Edward at my bedside, burning with me, and I remembered lashing out at him and wishing I that could kill him or he could kill me. I remembered calling out for my Mother. I remembered listening to my heart stop.

I am a vampire.

"Bella?" Carlisle approached me cautiously, and for the first time I noticed Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper in the doorway. They were watching me closely, and I suddenly realized that they were afraid that I was going to lash out at Carlisle. I growled at their ignorance. They must have misunderstood my anger because they moved further into the office, closer to us.

"Bella dear," Carlisle started again, almost close enough to touch me now, "everything is fine, and no one here will hurt you. Here, I'd like to give you this."

He held out a dark colored bag. It smelled dirty yet somehow still very appealing.

"It's deer blood Bella, and it will help with your pain. Later we will take you hunting, but for now maybe you should just drink out of these bags - "

I tore the bag from his fingers and ripped into it with my teeth. The bag exploded everywhere and the blood rushed out to soak my dirty hospital gown and the ends of my tangled hair. I managed to get some of the liquid in my mouth, and I shuddered in pleasure as the thick blood coated my throat. I noticed another four bags sitting in a box at Carlisle's feet, and I dove towards it, greedily breaking in to another bag of the precious substance.

When I had decimated all five bags, I looked up to survey my surroundings again. I had made a quite a mess of myself and the floor of the office, blood was spattered on the walls and the papers on the floor were sticking to the congealing puddles. I had a sudden irrational urge to lick the floor clean. I started to crouch down when another voice spoke.

"Bella, love, you don't have to do that. I'll get some more bags from the freezer." The voice broke on the last word. My body tensed with recognition, and I gasped.

Edward.

I hadn't had a chance to think about Edward yet, or what he had done to me. Most of my being wanted to lunge at him, rip him apart for the pain he caused me, and is continuing to cause me. Yet something kept me from doing so. I knew that the reason had something to do with my time before the pain started. But that time was blurry, like trying to look through a very dirty windshield, or into the depths of murky water.

For reasons that I couldn't quite comprehend I knew that I shouldn't be mad at Edward. So I tried very hard to squash the rage building in me. But when I started to arrange the pieces of the night of my change, I remembered what a big part he played, and I became very scared. This man had hurt me, had changed me. He has taken so much, taken me away from my home, my life.

Rosalie and Emmett stepped back into the hall and Edward came back through the doorway with another box of blood. I eyed him warily. He set the box down on the floor and nervously moved towards me, holding out one of the bloated red bags. I edged away from him, tensing to spring, looking for an escape. He noticed my terror and it seemed to pain him greatly. He made a strange noise in his throat that sounded like sob, and I cowered away from that as well.

Slowly, without taking his dead eyes off of my face, he set the bag down a few feet in front of me and backed away. I was afraid to reach down for it while he was anywhere close, but the smell of the contents made my throat ache terribly. When he was about twelve feet away from the bag I finally reached down and snatched it. I took the bag and the box (it seemed to weigh absolutely nothing at all), and fled to the back corner of the office, where I could suck my bags dry and watch everyone else in the room.

Edward sat at the opposite corner of the office and watched me as I fed greedily. I was still too anxious to look directly at him, so I stared at everything but him, watching him in my peripheral vision. Every now and then he would push his hair back off his forehead and sigh deeply. Most of the time he spent hugging his legs, his shoulders shaking as he cried tearless sobs.

Edward Cullen -

You did this.

I was prepared to spend my whole life leaned back against the wall in Carlisle's office, watching and listening to the beast that was my Bella. Her jaw and neck were covered in blood, gore hung black in her hair. She was mostly nude, the hospital gown was now soaked through as well and it hung loosely from her. She was sitting about fifteen feet from me, and although she was busy with the task of sating her thirst, I noticed that she was still watching me relentlessly. I knew that she had remembered the attack, the memory of becoming is one of the strongest and clearest after the change. Of course I couldn't blame her for keeping her distance, but I wanted so badly to soothe her, I wanted to spend years simply wailing apologies. When I tried to approach her with nourishment she cringed away from me, so I did not attempt to speak or move nearer to her, for fear of spooking her further.

When she emptied all of the bags, she sat back onto the wall. She finally looked at me full in the face, and my heart shattered once again. Her eyes were still wary, and terrified. I had expected anger when she finally awoke, but for now there was no sign of rage on her perfectly sculpted face. I almost chuckled when I thought Bella never does what I expect, but then I remembered what I'd done and my eyes dropped. She also seemed to be searching my face, trying to find the answers buried there. While her body was still tense, she seemed to calm further and accept that I didn't plan to approach her. She seemed to be waiting for me to speak, so I pulled in a final stuttering breath and began.

"I'm not sure how much you remember about me Bella, but my name is Edward Cullen and I love you. We were engaged to be married and I lost control of myself while we were kissing. I hurt you Bella, and for that I will suffer for the the rest of my life." My voice was cracking so badly that I was afraid she wouldn't be able to understand me, so I stopped for a moment to gather myself.

"I am so very, deeply sorry for what I have done but I do not expect, nor would I accept, your forgiveness. I am going to stay and help you through your first year, and then after that I will leave you alone for good, like I should have done so long ago. You certainly do not have to enjoy my company, or be kind to me or even speak to me, because I can see that you remember the pain I caused and that you are afraid of me. I know that you have no reason to ever trust me again, my love, but I will promise you regardless that I will never lay a hand on you. I will unconditionally love, support and protect you, and I plan to spend the rest of my existence making this easier for you."

"I want out of this room", she hissed abruptly.

Her new, deeper voice stunned me momentarily, but I recovered and said, "Of course dear. Would you like to take a shower? Or maybe just go down into the family room, everyone has missed you."

At the word 'family' her shoulders jerked as if she had been slapped. I knew she was thinking of Charlie and her mother, and I watched and suffered with her as her features were washed in agony. "I want to be alone", she snapped.

And so I led her to our room, well, her room now. I had not entered it since my living hell began, and I had no desire to ever claim it again. Everything in here represented the clashing of Bella and I's worlds. All of my linens still carried her fragile human scent. As I ushered her in she seemed to remember the room, her eyes swept the small space for threats and then she began to look over it again, taking in all of the small pieces. As she inventoried she did a slow turn, and soon she was facing me. Quickly and without warning she slapped me, and the loud, abrupt sound surprised us both. Her newborn strength caused me to stagger and I hissed instinctively but I clung to the burn of my cheek like a lover. She was still glaring at me with rage when I opened my eyes again, but when she saw the acceptance and love on my face she threw her head back and howled. The sound cut me deeper than any of the torture before.

She crumbled onto the carpet and curled into herself once again. The memory of the last time I saw her like this struck me like lightening and I was brought to my knees as well. I crawled toward her as her body was racked with tearless sobs, I watched as she tore furrows into the carpet with her nails. I knew I shouldn't touch her, so when I got a few feet from her on the floor I sat up and pulled my legs to my chest. Her cries were laced with self-pity and despair, while mine were peppered with apologies. Together we laid in the bedroom floor and sobbed for the loss of Bella.

Bella Swan -

We were still on the floor hours later when I heard someone coming up the stairs in the hall. The footsteps continued toward Edward's door and I was surprised that I knew somehow that it was Carlisle. He knocked softly and entered without waiting for an answer. Edward suddenly growled at him and then lowered his face back down to his knees. I welcomed his presence because I noticed that he had another box with him and it smelled of blood, warm this time.

"This is the last of our stocks in the house, my dear. I'm sure you understand this has been a little unexpected for all of us. Rosalie and Esme are in the woods now, gathering more for you. They should be back in a few minutes."

I pulled the box across the floor to rest in front of me, I was strangely and powerfully protective of it. Edward pulled his head back up and it seemed like he was forcing himself to look at me. I noticed that his eyes are a deep coal black. For some reason I took one of the bags out of the box and threw it at him forcefully. He looked surprised but caught it effortlessly.

"Eat it." I hissed.

"Bella, I can't -"

I tensed suddenly and shouted into his face. I could feel a bitter, icy liquid pouring into my mouth and I spat it at him as I hissed again, "Eat it."

His shoulders slouched and he tore a small hole. He fed cleanly. For some reason it enraged me even more.

Of course I was still watching Carlisle the entire time, and the door because I could tell that Alice, Emmett and Jasper were all downstairs. Carlisle seemed even more nervous around me now and I vaguely wondered if maybe I should be angry with him as well.

"Bella dear, I know that you are overwhelmed, but you must trust that I will do whats best for you now, and I will keep you very safe. Right now dear, that means leaving this house for a while. There are humans at a close proximity to this place, especially since you have gone missing. We need to take you somewhere to gather yourself dear, and then you can come back one day if you'd like." Carlisle crouched down beside me, and started to reach out for me but thought better of it and pulled away.

He sighed and crooned softly, "Things will be hard for a while Bella dear, but I promise that it will get easier for you. It is completely acceptable to mourn your old life, and I will be honest and tell you that your human life has indeed ended much too soon. Much too quickly."

Edward's shoulders shook but he said nothing.

"We have a cottage in Northern Alaska and the we will stay with you there, as long as you like, until you are ready to be around humans again."

I was quiet for a few minutes while I absorbed some of what Carlisle had said.

It's over. Bella Swan is gone. Her family is in mourning. My family.

"Where is my family?"

I was surprised that Edward answered me. His voice sounded thick and slurred, almost drunk. "Most people have gathered at the Holiday Inn in town. That's where your mother is staying, and Charlie's house is still considered a crime scene."

Crime scene.

"What do they think?" I didn't know what else to say.

This time it was Carlisle who sighed, and stated gently, "There was a rapist in Seattle. Edward heard his thoughts months ago. Our family planted the evidence necessary to make it seem as if he broke in to your house, incapacitated you and then took your body to an unknown location. The authorities believe that all of us but Alice were out of town on a hiking trip, and we have witnesses to corroborate our story. Alice has spent time with your father and mother since the incident, but the rest of us just learned of the tragedy a few hours ago. We are on our way home now."

I was dazed by how quickly and efficiently the tale of my death rolled off of Carlisle's tongue. It was a reasonably believable story, but terribly tragic. It would make headlines across our state I was sure.

Murdered.

I sat and pondered for a few more seconds, trying to imagine my family intermingling like they hadn't done in years. I tried to imagine Ben and Angela (Ben? Angela?) entering the drab hotel suite, and for some reason I was sure her that face would be red and streaked with tears. Rage built inside of me again as I realized that even during my daydream, I couldn't picture anyone's face clearly. Even my mother's features were washed out and fuzzy. Her voice was muted.

I realized that the whole town would be jolted - shocked out of their daily lives. They would all be scared.

They should be scared. Of the monsters in the woods. Of Edward. Of me.

My body jerked upright. "Let's go", I nodded to Carlisle.

"Would you like to clean up a bit first, Bella love?" Edward's voice was soft and hesitant but it was laced with hysteria.

"Why should I hide what I am, Edward?" I asked bluntly. As an afterthought I added, "And my name is Isabella. Isabella Cullen."

Bella Swan is dead.

Edward's face broke into a huge, gaping smile and I figured that he's finally slipped over the edge. I felt a small tinge of regret but then I remembered the feeling of his hand yanking at my hair and I pushed all my sympathy back down into my chest. Edward's face lowered back down to his knees and his whole body quaked. I could only watch and burn in my own grief.

Edward Cullen -

Carlisle left the room quickly after Bella...Isabella...silently dismissed him by standing up and walking toward the closet. He walked down the stairs and I heard him ask me gently to come down for a family meeting, to discuss Isabella and the upcoming move. I didn't bother to acknowledge him. Why they would want my input on such things was beyond me. Had I not already proven that I was incapable of taking care of my Bella?

No, Isabella, and not mine anymore.

I could hear Isabella in the closet changing clothes, apparently she had changed her mind and decided that her attire was not suited for the travel that lay ahead. I did not have the strength nor the courage to look up when she moved from the closet to her bathroom.

I heard Alice outside of the door and she telepathically asked me for permission to enter. Again I said nothing. She slinked in regardless and crouched down in front of me, bringing her nose inches from my hair.

The police are on their way. Of course they suspect Fieldman - he's already been arrested - but they want to cover all their bases anyway. Her father wont be with them, he's sedated. Since I've already seen the police and Charlie, I'm going to run with Bella into the woods.

Even though my shame kept me from looking upon my Beloved's face, I could not even entertain the idea that she would be away from me. My head jerked up while I whimpered at Alice, and I started stuttering out reasons why I could not stand to be apart from her.

Alice's hand clenched mine tightly enough that I felt a jolt of pain move up my arm.

She will be safe with me Edward. And maybe she will talk, or better yet - hunt. You can meet us in the woods after the police have seen you. Carlisle has a plan to get our family away from the area without suspicion, but it will take a few weeks.

My mouth opened and closed quickly and Alice saw the panic in my eyes at the thought of being separated for weeks.

You wont have to wait that long, Edward. Because of your current state we thought it would be better if your involvement was minimal. After you meet with the detectives this afternoon, you can meet Bella and I in the woods.

"Isabella." I said softly. "She prefers to be called Isabella now."

Alice just stared at me with sympathy in her eyes and I lowered mine again to keep from screaming. Graceful as always, my sister rose up from the floor and walked slowly toward the bathroom door. She cooed at Isabella to open the door, she promised not to hurt her, not even to touch her. I picked my head up to watch, hopeful yet terrified that Bella (ISABELLA!) would answer.

Alice turned her head back over her shoulder and looked at me.

Go downstairs, Edward. The police are here.

When I got to the bottom of the steps I heard soft conversation and muffled sobs. My family was sitting around the living room, paired up as usual. There were two uniformed officers sitting nervously on the loveseat, and a man in a suit was leaning close to the fire.

There were backpacks and camping supplies littering the front hall, as if they had all been dropped there and forgotten. Rosalie and Esme both had tissues balled up in their hands, resting against their lips. Jasper looked the most sincerely disturbed, and I could see that his entire frame was shaking uncontrollably. I assume that most of his agony was being caused by me, but unfortunately I could not seem to care. Everyone's eyes were wet, even though none of us can actually cry.

No little detail escapes us. Oh no. My family is so good at deception. We are such efficient killers.

Everyone turned to stare at me when I walked in the room, especially the strangers. I could see the way that I appeared to them in their thoughts, and it was obvious that acting wouldn't be necessary for me. Grief poured off of me in waves, and my face was twisted into an otherwordly despair. Esme reached out to touch my arm and I allowed the contact only out of pretense. She led me to sit on the couch beside her, where I collapsed, staring straight ahead, seeing nothing.

As Esme was pulling me down beside her on the sofa, I heard Isabella and Alice drop from my window and sprint to the trees. The hole in my chest gaped wider, threatening to swallow us all. The suited man asked me several questions, but I didn't answer any at first. I couldn't seem to keep my attention focused on him.

This guy is in shock, no doubt about it. Like a walking dead man. God help this kid when he finally comes out of it. The thoughts were from the taller of the two policeman, who was watching me with pity in his eyes.

Mostly I heard the suited man and Carlisle talking in hushed tones. When I did not reply to direct questions Carlisle tried to answer for me, and seemed apologetic to the detective for his son's inability to focus. At Esme's silent urging, I tried to concentrate on the men and answer their queries. I faired well for a few minutes but when the tall policeman asked me if I had ever seen Isabella with anyone who seems odd or dangerous, I broke back into hysterical sobs and began to rock myself furiously on the couch.

I could tell from the detective's thoughts that my quasi-performance had eased any doubts he had about my family's innocence. He noted that even in his line of work, he rarely sees anyone as anguished and hopeless as I. I should have that poor kid admitted to the psyche ward, it seems like he's getting worse by the second. Well, his father is a doctor and I'm sure he know's whats best.

With a few more routine questions and polite handshakes, the humans took their leave quickly. Like most everyone else, they were uncomfortable around us. As the detectives reached their squad car I could hear them discussing me. How tragic it all was. How badly they felt for me.

Her killer.

Everyone except Esme and Carlisle retreated from the family room, and I did not bother to look up. Esme's cool hands were tracing small circles on my back, and I hated it but I didn't believe I had it in me to stop her. I was still shaking badly, my hands pulled at my hair with their iron grip. Suddenly I remembered that I since the police have left, I could go to her. I jumped up off the couch.

"Edward," Carlisle sighed, sounding exasperated, "you can't leave yet. You need to gather more supplies and sit down and speak with us. About what we plan to do from here."

"I can't stand to be away from her, father." I pleaded.

He ignored me and continued. "I will spread the word tomorrow that you attempted suicide. We will claim that we have decided as a family to return to Alaska where Esme's family lives, and also where there is a nearby facility to deal with your PTSD. After all that's happened, we will decide that it is in the best interests of our family to remove ourselves from where there are so many memories with Bella. I will claim that after we found you hanging in your closet, Alice took you to the psychiatric hospital to have you admitted, and plans to stay with you in Alaska while she finds a suitable home for the rest of the family."

Carlisle sighed again, sounding even more resigned. "You will meet Alice in the forest and take Bella to our Northern lands. Once we finish all of our business here, we will meet you at the cabin. We'll decide what to do next from there. I will call and have the electricity turned on, but you and Alice will have to stock it once you get there, we can't risk Bella smelling any delivery men for a while."

"Her name is Isabella now." I answered automatically. However, I nodded, appeased by the plan because it included getting to stay with her. Whether she wanted me there or not, I needed to be where she was, at least for now. Every second I was away I ignored my sentence of absolute loyalty.

Even though Isabella's disdain ripped at me, I craved it. I deserved it and I would relish it.

"Son, we will help you in whatever way we can." Esme's words were quiet and full of sadness. I felt a pain like my chest imploding and wrapped my arms around my middle.

By killing Bella I had broken two hearts - two good, pure hearts.

Isabella Cullen -

I was sitting by the fire, in the middle of a grove of impossibly tall trees. The log I was perched on sat mere inches from the flames but I did not feel the heat. My eyes were closed but my mind was racing. I couldn't believe how close I'd came to ravaging those police officers as they made their way from their cars to the door. As soon as I exited Edward's bathroom I had smelled them, so salty and gamey and sweet. Were it not for Alice's iron grip I would have ripped out their throats. I would have savaged them, feasted upon them.

Killed them.

Alice was sitting on the opposite side of the fire and she did not speak to me. She probably already knew from her gift that no matter which way she approached me, I would only lash out or cringe back. She hadn't tried to talk to me on the run here at all, which pleased me. The only time she touched me was when she incapacitated me when the I smelled the humans. Once they were seated in the house, she wrapped her tiny arms around me and slung us out of Edward's window. She drug me along as she ran deeper into the woods, and after we had sprinted for about ten minutes, she let go of my arm. By then we were well out of scent-range, and the bloodlust had left my brain. I no longer needed to be restrained. Already disgusted with myself I only sprinted quicker into the wilderness, away from temptation.

"Edward will be here in a moment dear." I cringed visibly when Alice whispered his name.

"I'm only telling you so that you wont be scared when he approaches. He means you no harm." After a moment, she added, "He loves you".

Her simple statement made me think back to when I had first awoken, and he had told me that we were engaged to be married. I thought about the look of destitution in his eyes and for the first time I realized how remorseful he must be.

I thought about the bloodlust I had experienced moments before and wondered how he had ever approached me without killing me. I knew that I would have killed those humans if Alice hadn't stopped me, so I tried to decide if I would have still done the same if my father had been one of them. In utter disgust I realized that it would not have mattered. I would have drained him along with the rest.

Because I am a monster.

I heard Edward then, even though he was still a some distance away. He was moving very quickly and seemed to be dragging something, he must have already known where the campsite was. When he arrived at the treeline, he stopped moving, waiting.

Alice sighed and turned to face him. "Bring the deer over here, Edward, she wants the blood now".

She was right, of course. I wanted it badly.

Edward's back was loaded with a large duffel bag that had pans and utensils hanging from it. He drug an animal by its antlers over to me, and then dropped it at my feet. It looked peaceful, like it was sleeping.

It is not sleeping, Isabella. It is dead.

Alice spoke in a singsong voice that distracted me. "Would you like me to show you how to drain it, dear?"

I shuddered and shook my head sharply.

Without another word Edward began digging through the duffel that had been slung over this back. He pulled out some rope and untied a large bucket from the bag. Quickly and efficiently he strung the animal into a nearby tree, hanging it upside down with its face dangling a few feet off of the forest floor. Edward slid the bucket underneath it and slit the animal's throat with his fingernail.

Blood gushed into the bucket and fire scorched up my throat. Edward untied a smaller pot from the duffel bag and dipped it into the warm blood, then brought it over to me. I didn't shy away from him this time but I snatched the pot before he could get too close and it sloshed all over me. I drank greedily.

I heard Edward mumble "I'll be fine" and then I sensed that Alice had ran back into the forest. My eyes met Edward's questioningly. I did not like that we were alone.

Seeming to understand, Edward's shoulders slouched even lower and he took Alice's seat on the opposite end of the fire. "Alice just went to hunt Be-...Isabella. She'll be back soon. Don't worry, I wont touch you."

We both sat staring at the fire for a moment. I chanced a glimpse at his face and noticed that his eyes were still an impossible shade of black.

"Why didn't you go with her? You need to eat."

Edward sighed and looked up at me for a moment before lowering his head again. "I'll be fine Isabella, don't worry about me. Besides, I will not leave you alone out here, and Alice has already told me that you're not ready to hunt with us yet."

"I'm not going to hunt ever", I said icily, before I even really thought about it.

Edward's body jerked as he took another invisible hit, but he was silent.

Edward Cullen -

"I'm not going to hunt ever"

It was obvious that she hated what she was now, and I was not surprised. I think deep down I always knew that she would. Bella Swan was a kind-hearted, compassionate soul. Those kind of people aren't suited well to a damned existence.

So of course I said nothing to contradict her. What was there to say? Silently, I vowed to be her hunter, since I was nothing better than a savage (a Killer.) anyway. Isabella Cullen would never have to hunt because nourishment would be provided for her. Her clean, innocent hands would never have to murder for sustanence. Not while mine were already coated in sin.

She was still watching me, although covertly so. I silently wished that Alice would return. It was quite obvious that Isabella prefered her company to mine, although it seemed what she would really prefer was no company at all. While we sat I refilled her pot of blood three more times. She was still very messy when she ate, but I could tell that she was now attempting to keep the blood off of her face. I thought absently about offering her advice on the matter, but decide against it when replaying her earlier scorn.

Needless to say, I was surprised when she spoke to me.

"You should eat. If you wont go hunting you can share my meal."

I must of heard her wrong because surely she could not care about my health, or my needs after what I have done. When I found the courage to glance up at her she was staring at me, obviously waiting for an answer.

"That is very very kind of you. But I can not possibly accept after - "

Like before, she cut me off by lunging at me, growling into my face.

"Are you saying no to me?"

With that I rose off of the ground and untied a small cup from my bag. On my way to fill it I reached out to Isabella and she handed me her now empty pot as well. I filled them both up and set hers on the ground in front of her, careful not to get too close.

I returned to my seat across from her and together we drank.