Town was very busy. People swarmed so thickly that Link had to practically fight to get his way through. I fought Gorons, he thought. I fought skeletons rising from the dead, I fought Ilia this morning, kind of, and if I can do that, this is nothing. In truth, he felt guilty again. His sword was as sharp as ever; that was one of the perks of having the Master Sword. It did not dull. There was no need to go see Rusl and spark awkward questions, and definitely no need to go back home to a crazy wife. He lingered unhappily in the town, nodding his head to those who exclaimed, "Link! Our hero!" and the like.

"Hello, Fado," he said, grinning with relief as he saw the old rancher running toward him. "How's the herd?"

"Fantastic," said Fado. He clapped Link on the back and grinned right back, and then raised his eyebrows in a secretive manner. "How's the happy couple, if you don't mind my asking?"

Link coughed, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic. He decided it would be safest to fake deafness.

"Sorry, can't hear you over all this noise!" he mouthed, spinning around to sprint away. A warm hand grasped the back of his shirt and dragged him back. A voice chuckled at his ear.

"Having some marriage problems, are we?"

"Seventeen is too young," said Link. "Definitely too young. I - I can't please her. I don't…"

"Shh, don't fret," said Fado. He was smirking. "That's the most I've ever heard you talk in my life." He sighed deeply. "I knew it. Ilia is…interesting. She can be very demanding and yet make you feel bad by blinking those pretty little eyes and clasping those pretty little hands. But at least you're still a young couple and the love is still fresh!"

Blinking, Link told the truth: "Actually, I feel like the love curled up and died the moment she said 'yes, darling, I'll marry you, please don't beg'. She's the one who begged me to marry her!"

"You can always get a divorce," said Fado.

Link looked at him askance.

"A divorce," Fado informed him. "Fancy word for 'split up'. All you do is cut your bonding quilt in half, take half of it, and kick her out. End of story."

"No," said Link. He did not want to break her heart. Besides, she might slit his throat at night when he slept if he did. And then do all the horrible things she teased him about to get him up in the morning.

"Okay, champion, but just remember…keep your chin up!"

Link smiled at him and took the opportunity to rush out of town and back to his little house. It was a dusky orb in the middle of the forest, beautiful and homely and welcoming. He patted Epona absently as he passed by her, remembering the time when he turned into a wolf and exchanged words with her. Or was it all a dream?

"I'm home," he said loudly. Ilia's beaming face appeared in the triangular window. Then it fell. Grew darker. Turned into a disgusted grimace.

"Liar!" she screamed, fleeing back into the darkness of the house.

Link stood frozen outside. If he were a cartoon, there would most definitely be a large, prominent question mark over his head. What the hell? he wondered as he clambered up the ladder and opened the door.

"Yes, honey, glad to see you too?"

Illia was curled up on the farthest chair by the farthest wall, glaring at him with as much energy as she had. Link ran a puzzled hand through his windswept hair and sighed.

"Okay, I give up," he said. "What did I do?"

"If you don't know, I don't think I should tell you," Ilia hissed.

Link surrendered. "Okay. I'm going to go have dinner. I'm sorry for whatever I did."

Ilia barked out one short, harsh laugh and in three steps blocked his way to the kitchen.

"No, you're not," she said angrily. "You're not sorry for what you did, and you're not getting dinner."

Link stared at her nervously, chewing his lip. Had she quite literally gone crazy?

"You lied about going into town," said Ilia, and his blood ran cold. "You lied about your sword."

Link turned away to heft the sword in question over his shoulder and to put it safely in his room, not quite meeting her eye. "Of course not. Why would I?"

"Rusl came by."

Oh, God.

"He joked around with me. He asked if you were still alive, or if I had killed you yet. The way things are going, I just might do that. He also said, and I quote: 'When you see him, tell him to come by. I miss him a lot. He hasn't been to see me since the Twilight journey ended.'"

Link swallowed, his heart hammering. He had to talk. He had to talk fast.

"Ah -" He swallowed again. You wrestled Gorons, he reminded himself, and gaining a small bit of courage, he mumbled, "I went to town. He wasn't there. Then I left. That's all that happened, I swear."

Ilia's a bit more dangerous than the Gorons, buddy.

"No," said Ilia with a scary forced calm. "You're cheating on me."

So that was what was bothering her? He could have laughed. "No, I'm not. You're the only one I -"

"Oh, shut up, nobody believes you!" snapped Ilia. There was a maddening gleam in her eye. "Who is it, darling? Zelda the Pretty Princess? What, is she dancing her little fairy feet down to Ordon to sneak away with you? Or been going to see - what's-her-face - Midna, the annoying little pixie-imp thing?"

"Midna's gone," Link explained heavily. "And she's not an imp anymore. It was a curse. And Zelda's too busy to see me. She's the Princess, for God's sake."

Ilia sniffed, but she looked mollified. "It's a villager then."

"Not meaning any offense, but you're the only girl my age."

"Kakarikan!" she shot back. "A Zora girl! A Twili! Telma!"

Link shuddered. "No…listen. I'm not cheating on you - I swear it." Indeed, he wasn't. He would never dream of it - Ilia would murder him. He gave her a smile that was meant to be reassuring, but perhaps it came out a leer for she wrinkled her brow and stomped her foot.

"Lies!" she screamed. "Lies, lies, lies! Okay, look, Hero. You might have fought like three hundred monsters, but you'll be wishing that you could go back to those good old days when I'm through with you!"

Link said nothing. He was on fire. He wanted to be anywhere but here. He wanted to die and have the ground swallow him up.

"If you're not cheating on me, then what are you doing? Spill!" shouted Ilia. "Or by God I'll go and make a little deal with Zant and ask him to knock some sense into you!"

"Don't joke about stuff like that!" yelled Link.

Dead silence. But for once Link wasn't fazed. He was so mad, he might have exploded. His hands were clenched into furious fists.

"It's not funny," he said quietly. "It never will be."

For once, Ilia was flustered. She blinked several times, tearfully, pleadingly. "I - I -"

"Never mind the cheating," said Link. "I've never cheated on you. Ever. And if you don't believe me, I don't think I can force you to. Maybe…maybe we should end this."

She moved forward and he thought she was going to give him a warm, apologetic hug. Or hit him. But then he saw what she had in her hands. It was…rope? Yes, thick rope and she tied it tightly around his wrists. Link didn't realize what she was doing until it was done. Hands and arms pinned behind his back, he began to struggle.

"What are you doing?" he choked.

"Making sure you don't leave me," she replied, tears glistening in her eyes. "I love you, Link. You're mine forever. Remember that."

She finished tying him up and kissed him on the cheek. Then, with a mad glint in her eyes, she shoved him inelegantly down the mouth of the cellar with a strangled cry. Link shouted, twisting in midair, feeling the air grow colder and colder and the light disappear. With a thud that left him dazed and broken-feeling, he hit the hard cement ground in pitch blackness.

"ILIA!"

"Goodnight, Link," she said, and closed the trapdoor, leaving him in utter darkness.