She calls Mrs. Santos the next morning and says she'll be late. CJ does the same thing at the White House, because other than Kazakhstan there's not much to do. Donna tells her what happened, and CJ comforts her, and Donna says CJ was right, she was right all along and she should have had nothing to do with him, and he's a heartless bastard and she's wasted nine years of her life and she knows it now. And CJ holds her, and tells her the pain will go away, and maybe this is just a bump in the road for them, like when she left, and he'll get over it and they'll be in a better place in a bit, although Donna doesn't think CJ believes it.
And Donna doesn't believe it either, and says no, she's done with him, although a small part of her thinks she isn't quite done yet, that there's more to the story of Josh and Donna. But the rest of her doesn't think that at all, and knows you only get so many chances, and they've blown them all.
Nine years gone.
She laughs bitterly, and says at least she's got him out of her system, and being with him was like having the mumps and she's inoculated now. CJ doesn't laugh, just holds her, but she doesn't say anything else, and doesn't take the opportunity to badmouth Josh like she so often does these days.
And Donna puts herself together and goes into work.
Mrs. Santos asks how Thanksgiving with Josh went, and she tells her they've broken up. Mrs. Santos is sympathetic, and says she never liked Josh Lyman anyway, and that Donna's too good for him. And Bram, who's of course delivering something at right that moment, mumbles that he's sorry to hear that, and two hours later everyone in the building knows.
Josh calls a couple of times, but she's not taking his calls. She thinks that maybe she'd answer one on Monday or Tuesday, but he's stopped calling by then, and he doesn't come to find her in Mrs. Santos' office.
Most people offer their sympathies and say she didn't deserve an ogre like Lyman anyway. Will's sympathies mean the most, after the First Lady's, as he always was a good boss, but she notes he's careful not to say anything about Josh, which Donna recognizes is a smart move if he's going to be Josh's Deputy.
Three reactions are different from the others, though.
Amy pops by after a few days, and is surprisingly sympathetic. She says she and Donna are members of the "I dumped 'J' Club", and that hopefully no one else will be dumb enough to date him around here, or they'll have to print up memberships and have a secret handshake. And Donna laughs, and Amy gives her the most awkward hug she's ever had, but smiles before she leaves and says that at least she got some orgasms out of it, as he's very good in bed, whatever his other shortcomings. And Donna just feels weird about the whole thing.
It's true, though. He was easily the best and most enthusiastic lover she's ever had. She's glad she can at least say they've slept together (she's reclassified it in her mind from making love), so the mystery and wonder won't plague her for the rest of her life. She can't help but think if they hadn't gotten together at Election Day, but back when things were sweet and fun with them, like just before the MS, or just after the second Inauguration, that they wouldn't have ended up here. Even if there was a little less pressure on Josh, they wouldn't.
A part of her thinks she killed it off with her deadline. That's what they fought about, wasn't it? But no, she needed it – to get him to respect her, to get him to step up. She's certain of it, and the pain of ending nine years of dreams now is worth saving herself from more ongoing years of humiliation if she were to just meekly submit to being his sex toy, which is what she is even more convinced would have happened, angry shouts of "I love you" aside. If he really loved her, or even if he wanted to put on a good show, he would have told her at any point, ever, rather than shout it during an argument.
Ronna's reaction is different as well. Her eyes shoot daggers at Donna, and when she sees Donna coming she's on the phone immediately, and Josh's door shuts. Most people are on Donna's side, but one moment at the water cooler, Ronna says Donna may have everyone else fooled, thinking she's so sweet, but she knows Josh and she knows what Donna does to Josh, and watched all through the primaries how Josh would tense up every time he saw her or heard her voice, and Ronna knew she was just going to crush him again. And yes, he's intense and yells, but he's a good man, a decent man under so much pressure, who's worked so hard and gotten no sleep in a year, and if Donna can't see that after so many years with him, then she's just a heartless bitch and should stay away from him.
It takes Donna a moment, but she recognizes that look. It's the same look she used to give Mandy Hampton on the first campaign when she was being especially cruel to Josh. It's disquieting to say the least, and Donna idly wonders whether Ronna will end up as Donna 2.0, his unwavering supporter against the whole world. She finds herself idly thankful Ronna is a lesbian.
The most disturbing is Annabeth's reaction, who says she's not surprised at all, and was more surprised Donna slept with him in the first place, as she didn't think she liked him that much. Donna is shocked by this. Annabeth goes on about how when she first came to the White House everyone talked about how they thought Donna and Josh were either in love with one another or secret lovers, but she just didn't see it at all. She knew Josh had dropped everything to go to Germany, and it was obvious he had a crush on Donna, but figured that's all it was – a boss liking a pretty young subordinate, but having the grace, manners and class not to thrust it upon her, and well as caring too much about her to burden her with unwanted affection. She thought it was clearly one way, though, as in all the time she's known Donna, even before she left the White House, she got the impression that Donna found Josh irritating and unlikeable, and her opinion didn't change at all until Leo made an offhand remark to her a few weeks before the election.
He had said it was great seeing them working together again, and maybe they could get it together and finally be a couple after all these years. Annabeth had no idea who Leo was talking about, and it took some convincing for her to believe he was serious, as until a few weeks before the election, Donna was so cold and dismissive to him, even just after Gaza. Leo told her some stories, especially of the months after Rosslyn, and all Annabeth could say is how she found it unbelievable Donna would ever take care of Josh like that. When she asked Leo what happened, he just said "Oh, who the hell knows?" Annabeth was surprised when she heard they got together after the election, and had just chalked it up to grief sex over Leo's death.
Donna is shocked by this, that someone didn't know she loved Josh, couldn't see she loved Josh, and thought she hated him. And that made Donna think, and wonder if Josh thought that. Maybe she didn't want them to be done. She might have to talk to Josh, but told herself she'd do it after she came back from Wisconsin after Christmas. She needs time.
She thinks Josh needs time, too. He's yelling all the time, and people are rolling their eyes and taking bets on when the nervous breakdown will be. Donna doesn't think it's a nervous breakdown at all, but he might have a PTSD episode like in the Oval Office that terrible Christmas, and although that's not her problem at all any more, she'll keep an eye out. She tries to tell Ronna that, but she just glares at Donna.
On the first Monday in December, Donna and Mrs. Santos are in Richmond, Virginia. The governor's wife invited the First Lady to tea, and Donna leaped at the invitation, to get out of the office, so they had left very early. She was glad she would be separated from Josh in the East Wing – it would make things so much easier. She was still going back and forth on the idea of giving Josh another chance – she'd definitely have to think about it over Christmas.
They drive away from the Virginia Executive Mansion when Mrs. Santos gets a phone call. "What? Oh my God. Four hours ago? How long have you known? Well, why didn't you tell me? Of course Donna doesn't know. Because they broke up! Well, obviously someone didn't tell her. We'll go straight away. GW, got it."
Donna gets more frantic as Mrs. Santos' call goes on, and then the soon-to-be First Lady tells her. "Honey, it's Josh. He's had a heart attack."
And Donna is crying. No, not Josh... not his heart, it's weak to begin with. Why didn't they tell me? Who found him? She calls Josh's number, but there's no answer. Mrs. Santos is calling the office, and finally gets Will, who confirms what's going on, that as far as he knows Josh is in surgery. Ronna found him in his office at 7, and called 911. She's called his mother, and she's on her way. She may have even landed by now. She's the emergency contact.
Mrs. Santos has her driver do 80 miles per hour the rest of the way, but it's still far too long. She checks her messages – there is one from Ronna at around 8:30 telling her about Josh. Ronna sounds frantic.
And Donna is trapped in her own thoughts. Not again, not again. It's worse for her this time, worse than Rosslyn, because she at least was there during his surgery. Last time at least she didn't have to worry that if the unthinkable happened, her last words to him were bitter and angry. Last time she had nothing but fond memories to tide her through the surgery.
Not this time, though. And she thinks about how it's come to this, and prays to the God she only sometimes believes in to give them another chance, a... damn it, a sixth chance, after her leaving twice and Rosslyn and Gaza... another chance to make things right with the only man she's ever really loved. She loved him for so long, and they'll look back on the last eleven days as just a fight, a terrible, terrible fight, but they'll look back and shake their heads at how foolish they were, how foolish they always were, when they're on the porch watching the grandchildren play as the sun gets lower in the sky.
He loves her. Sure, he said it in an angry tirade, but he loves her. She doesn't know why she let that get drowned out, not when it was all she was hoping for for nine years. He loves her. She feels so stupid about not taking his calls, and setting that deadline and letting it all get in the way. It's nothing. Nothing at all compared to him loving her. He'll get through this, and she'll get another chance, and they'll make it work this time. This time it will work. Nothing will stop her. Nothing.
Donna gets dropped off around noon, and rushes into the hospital. She's frantic, and tries to get to Josh, but when they ask if she's family, she stops short, because they're not. They're not even together anymore. So she says he's her boyfriend, and they're on a bit a break, but they're together, really they are. But it doesn't matter, they don't let her through.
Ronna sees her, and even through the tears she's still shooting daggers at Donna, but she gets her and brings her back. It was horrible, she says, so horrible, but he's been through surgery and they think he'll get better, but it's a hard road. He's been under so much pressure, she says, and looks darkly at Donna when she says it. They don't know how long it will take.
Donna's heartbroken at this, that he went through it, and asks Ronna if she stayed. And Ronna says she did, but she has to get back to the office now. Josh's mother is here, though, she came up from Florida as quick as she could, and she's in his room as he sleeps. Donna begs her to take her back, and though Ronna looks like she doesn't think it's a good idea, she relents, and she stands outside his door and looks in through the window.
Josh is sleeping, but he looks worse than she's ever seen him. Rachel Lyman is sitting over him, crying, and she looks worse than Donna has ever seen her, worse than after Rosslyn. After a while she turns her head and sees Donna, and her expression is unreadable for a moment, until she nods her head at Donna. Donna moves toward the door, but Rachel shakes her head. Donna stops, taken aback. Her tears haven't stopped.
After a few minutes more, Rachel quietly comes out of Josh's room. Donna throws her arms around Josh's mother, and she hugs back, but it's devoid of the warmth of the past. Donna chalks that up to Rachel being exhausted from the morning. She asks how he is, and Rachel says its bad, but he should get better, eventually. She says he should have left Washington years ago, and she kept asking him to, but he didn't listen, and now look where he is. She says he can't go on, can't go on like this anymore, and she's not going to bury another child. And she cries and Donna cries.
It's good to hear her voice again, Donna thinks, even under these terrible circumstances. They haven't spoken in months. Donna misses her.
Donna tells Rachel they'll work out a schedule to keep him company, just like they did before, and they'll help Josh get better no matter how much he fights them. And she tries to smile as she says this, but something about Rachel's expression gives her pause. Donna says she's going in to see him, but Rachel grabs her arm, quicker and stronger than a woman in her late seventies should be able to, and tells Donna that maybe that's not such a good idea.
Donna is shocked, as Rachel says that his heart is very week, and Josh can't handle any stress, so she's taking charge. There will be one visitor at a time, for no more than ten minutes. Rachel will be in with him, making sure no one says anything stressful. And she's not going to let any stressful people in with him, not until he's a little better. And Donna knows Rachel means her.
Donna is hurt, so hurt by this. She thought Rachel loved her. They'd spoken at least once a month, right from the beginning, at first just to keep Rachel updated on Josh's busy life, and later just to chat. Rachel always felt like a mother-in-law to Donna, even outside of Donna's fantasy, and like the kind of mother-in-law you love, who treats you like a daughter and tells you her son is the lucky one. Rachel told her many times over the years that she wishes Josh would just marry and give her grandchildren, and wouldn't it be nice if he met someone who had so many wonderful qualities like you, Donna dear, and maybe Josh will one day wake up and see the possibilities. And Donna knows she wouldn't have been able to hold on to her dream for so many years, through Amy and all the times she thought Josh could never care for her, if it weren't for Rachel's support and friendship.
But she hasn't spoken to Rachel in months. After Donna left the White House, they talked like they always did, which was a little awkward, but Rachel asked Donna to keep in mind Josh is a proud man, but he's a good man, and they both needed to talk. Donna would deflect, and the calls became less frequent, and Donna stopped calling after Iowa because it was so painful to keep this connection, and to talk to his mother when she was trying to get over him. Their last talk was two weeks before the convention, and they haven't spoken since, but Donna thought it wouldn't matter, that she understood how hectic things were and that she sometimes couldn't make the time, but whatever was happening with her and Josh shouldn't change that Donna and Rachel were still so close. But she never said it to her.
But Josh needs me, Donna says more forcefully than she would normally in a hospital. He needs me. He loves me. And I love him.
And Rachel shakes her head, not unkindly, and says Josh never mentioned she said that to him. And Donna realizes, she never did. Josh didn't know. And she cries some more, and sits down. I'll wait for him to wake up, she says.
Rachel says that wouldn't be for the best. Josh needs to rest. He needs to avoid stress. And that's going to be hard, at least for the moment, if Donna's just outside the door. It can't be like before, his heart is too weak, and he can't handle it at the moment. He can't handle her.
But he needs me, Donna repeats.
Not at the moment. Maybe you should go, she says, and tries to sound sympathetic. No one else will be seeing him today, and she'll call Donna when he's up do it, but now it's time for her to go. She'll tell him she came by, she promises. And Donna breaks down even more, sobbing and wailing, until an orderly comes by and asks her to be quiet, so she stops wailing and just sobs, wracked with sorrow and tears. But he needs me, she says. He needs me. He always needs me.
And Rachel says that she can take care of him, and if he needs her, where was she for the last two weeks? The last year? And Donna cries more and more, and Rachel takes her into a hug, and says she's sorry, she shouldn't have said that now, it's not the right time, but she has to check on Josh. Call tomorrow, and maybe he'll be up to it.
Donna hails a cab, calls in sick for the rest of the day, and goes back to CJ's and collapses on the bed, dehydrated from the tears, and having all of her dreams of reconciliation put off. Hopefully for just a few days.
She gets a call from Sam, saying Ronna called him, and asking how he is. And she says he's recovering, and Sam asks her to give the phone to Josh so he can say 'hi'. And it hurts, it hurts like hell when she says she's not there, and Rachel basically kicked her out. And Sam says nothing, other than that he's sorry, and to call him tomorrow after she sees him.
She has the same conversation with Toby, and it's just as painful, so she turns off her phone and tries to sleep, but she's up for hours, trying not to think about what happens if Josh doesn't give her another chance, and how hard its going to be with Rachel thinking Donna helped cause the heart attack. It's worse because Donna agrees with her.
The next day is horrible. She drops by GW first thing, and Rachel tells her he's sleeping but doing better. And she asks to see him, and Rachel tells her maybe later, and Donna asks to stay, but Rachel says it's not the best idea. Donna knows there's going to be no arguing with her, so she asks her to tell him she stopped by, and says they're both in her prayers, and she'll call later.
She goes back to the office, and most people give her sad sympathetic smiles. Will and Amy both ask her how what she's doing away from the hospital, and are surprised she's there. They seem to think she knows how he's doing so she tells them what Rachel told her. Amy says she'll drop by later, and asks her to let Josh know, and Donna can't even respond, but nods her head, and hopes Rachel treats all his ex-girlfriends the same. Will is completely stressed out himself, as with Josh gone, Goodwin thinks he can give him orders, and complains how he never liked that guy, and while Josh could be a pain in the ass, at least he was a friend of sorts. Will doesn't think Josh is coming back. Donna doesn't even want to think about that.
She calls a few more times, but Rachel says it's not a good time yet each time. Mrs. Santos is sympathetic but doesn't say much, which Donna appreciates, but then asks what she thinks of how he tried to resign to her husband? And Donna doesn't know what to say.
She drops by late in the day, and passes Amy on her way into the hospital. And Amy smiles sadly at her, no note of triumph in her eyes even though she must surely know Donna hasn't seen him yet. Amy tells her he'll be okay, and she'll be okay. It's a weird sort of camaraderie they have.
Rachel sees her and shakes her head, saying he's not ready yet, too much pressure, too much stress, but as Donna feels the tears again she tells her to come back first thing tomorrow, and she's sure Josh will be ready to see her then. And Donna knows she's telling the truth, so she goes back to CJ's.
CJ comes home late. Donna hasn't seen her since before the heart attack, and she doesn't understand why Donna's here and not there. Donna explains the situation, and CJ holds her while she cries some more, but eventually Donna has no more tears, none at all. A part of her wants to blame CJ for this, that if it weren't for her advice in the lockdown, she wouldn't have fucked Colin, wouldn't have left the White House, Josh wouldn't have left the White House, and they'd be counting down the days until her wedding date. Donna knows that's not fair, though. She had one night stands before Colin, and would probably have bedded him even without CJ's advice. She needed to leave, needed to advance, and doesn't regret it. It didn't need to result in Josh in a hospital bed, and her half a city away, but feeling like she may as well be in Australia. It's not CJ's fault.
Rachel lets her in the next morning, but says she'll be staying in the room. She says, trying to be kind to Donna, that she's done that for everyone except the President and the President-Elect, and she needs to make sure Josh doesn't overstress, and how Rachel knows the signs when it's happening. Donna knows them too, of course, and Rachel knows Donna knows, but it's obvious she doesn't trust him with her son's heart anymore, in any sense of the word.
Donna numbly nods and the two women go in.
Josh looks terrible. He looks better than on Monday, but it's worse that she's ever seen him before. And he looks completely defeated, like he's given up completely on everything. She touches his hand, to reassure herself, but he doesn't move to take it. She hugs him, and he hugs back, but it's tentative, and not due to weakness. She asks how he is, and he says he's doing horrible, and there's no trace of the humor or Josh-ness in his voice that she lives for. She tells him he had them all worried, and she's sorry, she's so sorry, and she wishes she could have been there these last two days, but his mother thought it best he have one constant caregiver. If he wants, she can stay, though, and clear her schedule, and she's there as long as he needs her.
His silence speaks volumes.
She doesn't know what to say. She asks him about their last conversation, and he doesn't want to talk about it, and Rachel is about to kick her out, but she asks if he meant it. And Josh knows what she's talking about, and says he did mean it. She asks, "Did?" and is about to say she loves him too, she loves him so much, and can't they please try again, but before she can get the words out, he changes the subject and tells her he's quitting. Quitting the White House, quitting politics.
She's in shock. Josh out of politics? He sees her expression, and says he can't handle the pressure anymore, and he shouldn't have taken on so much pressure before, but now, if he does it will kill him. He doesn't want to die. So he's going to Florida for a while to recuperate.
She asks him if he can't just take a leave of absence again until he gets better, and says she's sure he'll get better again, he did before, and just needs care and some stricter rules. And she gives him a shy smile, and tries to will him to work with her, to do this so that it can be like those three glorious, terrible months where she nursed him back to health and practically lived with him, but Rachel says he'll be getting that, he needs the devoted care, so she will be giving it to him, but it needs to be in Florida for a while, not here in D.C. And Josh says even if he wanted to stay, the President-Elect needs a permanent Chief of Staff, and that can't be him, lying here in a hospital bed. He says it will probably go to Goodwin, and he'll take it, because he's not likely to get Secretary of the Interior like he wanted anyway. And it's not like in the old days, anyway. It's not like it was under President Bartlet, it's not a band of brothers and sisters this time, and no one will really miss him anyway. Donna sucks in her breath sharply, but he says it doesn't matter, it's not fun any more, and Goodwin will do an okay job for an unimaginative hack. He's got connections, at least.
Then he says he doesn't want to talk politics, and just needs to close his eyes for a few minutes. Rachel says he needs to rest, gets up to lead Donna out. Donna leans over and kisses his forehead, and says that she'll see him soon. Outside the room, she asks Rachel if she can come back later, and she says that maybe Donna shouldn't today. Donna nods her her head sadly, and leaves.
She'll come back tomorrow. She tell him she loves him then.
But when she comes by the next day, he's gone. He's gone to Florida. She leaves a message on his BlackBerry, and on Rachel's phone, but she doesn't know if he'll get the message. She knows he's given up, not just on Washington, but on any relationship with her ever. She knows because she remembers the past summer, after he didn't hire her. This feels exactly the same way.
But there are no more tears. Not until Monday, when Lou puts out a press release stating that for health reasons, Joshua Lyman would not be serving as Matthew Santos' Chief of Staff, and that he was an invaluable supporter and a good friend, and everyone wishes for a speedy recovery, and wishes him best of luck in his future endeavors
And the dam breaks again and she cries and cries and cries at her desk. When she looks at her calendar, and sees she has the date circled, a circle she made nearly a month ago, she cries some more.