Title: In the face of the future, we panic.

Pairing: GSR

Rating: Teen

Spoilers: Butterflied. Nesting Dolls.

Summary: My take on how GSR became cannon through reflections on past episodes...

You watch the tears fall from her eyes and your heart breaks for her. You have never felt this much sympathy for another person before and the feeling overwhelms you. The death grip she has on your hand is frighteningly real, as is the urge to protect her. You wish there was a way to erase her past, to take away the pain she's felt for the last twenty years of her life. No one should have to go through the terror that Sara went through and the feelings of rage rushing over you take you by surprise.

You've known for a long time now that the feelings that you have for her are greater than anything you've felt before and you've been afraid of those feelings for as long as you've had them. When Holly Gribbs was shot and the Sheriff asked you to bring someone in to run the IA investigation, you knew you had an excuse to see Sara again. You also knew you shouldn't feel that way knowing that Holly could die, but you couldn't avoid it. For the first few months after Sara arrived in Vegas you were more than happy to have her within arms reach. But it seemed that your bravery vanished because you never let Sara get any closer than arms length.

When Debbie Marlin was murdered a little over a year ago it only reinstated your biggest fears. The resemblance between Debbie and Sara was alarming and the affect that her case had on you was terrifying. You had never been so emotionally involved with a victim before but you could not stop yourself from seeing Debbie Marlin as Sara. Hearing Sara's voice while you searched for Debbie's killer was like facing a ghost and you pushed her further away. Your relationship with Sara before the Marlin case had been rocky and the fact that she had kissed you only a few days before had you frustrated and confused. A part of you had been aware that Sara had feelings for you, feelings not unlike those you felt for her, but you hadn't expected her to act on those feelings. And when she had kissed you, your reaction couldn't have been more damaging. When you had hidden your own personal confession in your speech to Dr. Lurie, you came to a final conclusion. You knew then and there that you would have to detach yourself from her, no matter how painful that would be, because you would not be the cause of her death.

What you hadn't expected, or at least, hadn't been prepared for, was Sara's reaction to your detachment. You pretended not to notice the alcohol on her breath or her short temper. You didn't want to believe that you were hurting her. But when you received the call from the desk sergeant that she'd been brought in under suspicion of a DUI, you were taken aback. You never believed that Sara would risk her job for anything. You didn't want to believe that she had risked her life. You had gone to the police station determined to take her home and hatch things out but when you saw her sitting there alone, your plan changed. You'd taken a seat beside her, taken her hand, and offered to drive her home. And that is exactly what you did because, no matter how much you wanted to reprimand her for being so reckless, the hurt and shame in her eyes broke you.

You can't help thinking that it has been nearly eight months since Sara's DUI and that nothing between the two of you has changed. The tension between you is still evident every time you are alone together and you aren't exactly sure how to change it. Even as Sara told you about her past, even as she sits across from you sobbing, your head and your heart are still conflicting over as to how you should be handling this.

Without really thinking you pull Sara from her chair opposite you until she is sitting beside you on her couch and she doesn't hesitate once as she leans into you and continues sobbing. Suddenly it hits you. You have wasted so many years where Sara is concerned and you don't want to waste anymore. You are in love with her.

You aren't sure how long the two of you sit together on her couch. Her sobs stopped a while ago and silence filled the apartment. She is curled into your side, her head on your shoulder, and you arm is wrapped around hers. You can't help thinking that holding Sara comes naturally to you and that you are not uncomfortable at all. Her fingers are playing with a thread on your jacket and you are watching the action intently. It isn't until she starts talking again that your eyes are drawn from her hands.

She begins strongly, telling you that she doesn't want you to stay with her out of sympathy. She reaffirms the fact that she does have feelings for you and that, unless you feel the same, you should probably go. It only takes you a moment to confirm for her that you are not leaving. When she asks you why you want to stay and why you came by in the first place, you hesitate. You have never been capable of expressing your feelings for someone adequately and you do not want Sara to underestimate how you feel about her. It is only when she says your name as a question that you begin to explain. You tell her about Holly Gribbs, about feeling ashamed of yourself for using Holly as an excuse to ask her to come to Vegas. You tell her about the conflict you've felt for years. You tell her that Debbie Marlin's murder kept you up at night because every time you closed your eyes, you saw her, Sara, posed on the floor of Debbie's shower. When you explain to her what was going through your mind the night that you picked her up at the station, you feel her shoulders tense under your arm. But you continue talking, telling her that, no matter what has happened between the two of you, you have always known that you could never live without her. And when your words make her cry, you simply tighten you arm around her and assure her that you will not leave her.