How To Save A Life

Chapter 2: Cawley

I'm so bad. I have major writers block for my other two fics so I went ahead and finished this chapter. Cawley's was the hardest to write and the only one unfinished, but I think I like this chapter the best. I decided that since Sheehan was the 'before' part, Cawley would be the 'during', and Emily will be the 'after'. I hope you enjoy (esp. Ginger Locks; you're like the only reason I keep writing because no matter what, you ALWAYS read and review my stuff. For that I thank you. =] )

I don't own Shutter Island. If I did, Teddy would be with me and Dolores would be a thing of the past! ;P

They told me that I was selfish.

They asked me how I could put my staff and my patients in danger like that. They asked me how I could let ambition hinder my judgment and narrow my vision. They asked me how it feels to be proven wrong; to be proven I was irresponsible and reckless.

I gave up trying to explain that there is more to it than that.

I really cared for Andrew, I did. I wanted to fix him, not tear him apart and shove him in a corner to be forgotten like so many other doctors did; like Naehring and the Warden wanted us to do.

I don't mind being called a fool and I'm too old to care about my reputation. I did the right thing. I did everything I could to help my patient and that is all I could do. I wasn't even angry about my car, which Andrew so quickly lit a fire and blew up.

But I did worry about Lester. He took the hardest hit; the emotional one. He really cared for Andrew. He even cared about Teddy. They were like his brothers and when the plan failed, Lester fell apart. Thankfully, Emily was there to try and put the pieces back together.

If Emily wasn't around, I don't know what I'd do. She's a strong woman, stronger than most men I know; stronger than me. Being Andrew and Teddy's main nurse, I'm certain she took the hit just as hard as we did. I wish I knew how she hid her pain.

We asked a lot from her and she never complained. Even when we asked her to play Rachel, she didn't question our judgment.

"You don't have to do this, Emily." I reminded her as we went over the plan one last time.

"But I want too," she told me firmly, "This is going to help Andrew and I want to do my part."

Lester sat beside her on the other side of my desk, fiddling with his unlit cigarette.

"You sure you're able to play insane?" he said. He put the cigarette away and smirked. "We all know you're a good liar… but acting is a different story."

Emily hit him playfully on the arm. I was used to their flirtations at this point, even if they denied it.

"I work around insanity twenty-four hours a day," she retorted, "not to mention mental patients. I think I have this in the bag."

I did my best to hide my grin when Lester frowned.

"We'll have to dye your hair," I said making an effort to change the subject. "Nothing permanent; just something to last for when Teddy meets you. It'll keep him from possibly recognizing you."

"Not a problem." She smiled.

Then Lester and I spent seven months piecing the plan together. It was a simple plan: allow Andrew to fully act out his fantasy he built for himself and in the end show him the truth.

Together, we convinced the board it would work. This had to work, we told them. There was no possibility that it wouldn't. We compared notes, wrote up scripts, and studied the weather religiously in looks for a storm, which was vital to Andrew's story. We set up an empty room and worked on leaving clues for Andrew to find. The clues were the most important part.

They were his Law of Four.

The Law of Four was Andrew's way of fighting back against Teddy. The reality of it all was the whole delusion was Andrew fighting against Teddy. While Teddy did his best to try and erase Andrew, Andrew would find a way around it in dreams, notes, and codes.

The story always ended the same way; at the lighthouse. Before Teddy was about to reset, he would bring up the lighthouse. In his mind, he was sure it was a place of experimentation. Teddy created the idea that the government was trying to create 'Ghost Soldiers' as he called them and he would fight to prove himself right.

Nine months prior to that final day, Teddy finally reached the lighthouse. He fought and injured two guards to get there. Lester went to the mainland the day before for a meeting and when Teddy realized he was missing, he became erratic. He firmly believed we got to 'Chuck' and was holding him captive in the lighthouse.

When he arrived however, and saw that what he was looking for was not there, he shut down. He slumped into the corner of the top room and sat there. It was Emily who finally brought him out of his dazed state long enough to get him to the hospital.

I gave him a concoction of sedatives when he arrived. When he saw the infirmary, he began fighting the orderlies. I didn't want to sedate him. However, I quickly realized Andrew wasn't going to calm down anytime soon.

"Andrew," I said, sitting next to his bed in the infirmary, "How are you feeling?"

He wouldn't look at me.

"Andrew, you saw the lighthouse. You can't deny it anymore. You're not Teddy Daniels and your wife did not die in a fire." I sighed wearily.

"It can't be true," he whispered to me.

"But it is, Andrew. You have to face and accept it." I did my best to drill in my words. "We're running out of options. Tell me you understand."

He looked me in the eyes and I saw the shadow of a broken man who was too shattered to place back together.

"You're a good man, Doc. Just not good enough."

Before I was able to protest, he fell a sleep from the sedatives. He was Andrew for one more day afterwards. Lester returned that morning, and when he went to speak to Andrew, Andrew won't have anything to do with him. In his mind, Lester betrayed him and Andrew told him as much. Lester would never admit it, but those words hurt him deeply. The following day, Andrew woke and he was Teddy again, reset and asking where he was.

I've been told a smart man would have given up on Andrew. If so, then I am far from a smart man.

I put myself on the line for him. I've been questioned as to why I believed so strongly that I could fix him. He was a murder. He killed his wife and allowed her to dwell in her delusions while she was alive. How can you forgive that?

What I wouldn't say, was I never placed any blame on him.

That's why I believed in Andrew so much. I saw a glimpse of myself in him. Had my wife, who I would go to the ends of the earth for, been in such torment as Dolores was, I would have acted the in same fashion. Regrettably, yes, but truthful all the same.

How is a person supposed to react to a truth so earth shattering as knowing the one person you love and care for is ill beyond repair? Normal human beings already deny their most minute problems by ignoring them; wouldn't the response be the same for the more grand scale ones? Nevertheless, there isn't a single person who wants to admit the resemblance in themselves and people like Andrew.

So I tried to fix him.

It started off smoothly. We timed when Teddy was going to reset and placed him on the ferry with Lester. When they arrived, all the staff treated them like real Marshals and we discussed the allusive Rachel. All the while, a storm we were tracking was drawing closer.

We allowed him to interview staff and patients. It was to my displeasure when several didn't take this seriously, but it was all for the best. It would later raise the suspicion Teddy needed. Then we brought in Emily as Rachel.

I don't regret asking Emily to play Rachel. Yet, had I known then what I realized as I watched her play her part, I would have reconsidered. It never occurred to me until that moment that Emily actually felt something for Teddy. As she made her passes and inched closer and closer to him, I almost stopped the game at that moment.

We told her to do it, we encouraged her to make passes; she's just pretending. That was what I tried to tell myself but I knew I was lying. A person can only pretend so well until what you're pretending and what you're feeling intertwine. What I saw in Emily was past that. Afterwards, when we lead him away, I debated internally what my course of action would be. I decided I wouldn't press the issue. If it took this long for me to finally see what was building over the past two years, then there was a possibility that it wasn't as much of a problem as I thought.

Then the storm proved worse than expected.

I did not worry about Andrew; he was still under the watchful eye of Lester. What I did fret over was with the storm now gone; it would be time for 'Chuck' to make a disappearance. Lester agonized for weeks over if and when he should make his escape we first drew up the plan.

"John, I don't know if this is a good idea." He was pacing in my office, fiddling with his cigarette.

"It has to be done. This is Teddy's plan; we stray from it, we won't get the results we're looking for."

"But it'll kill him." He sat down in the chair in front of my desk and ran his hands through his hair. "You saw what happened last time. How am I supposed look him in eyes when he finds out I betrayed him again?"

I took a deep breath and pondered my response.

"It's for the best," I finally said, "He'll forgive you." Lester frowned and stared at the floor. I knew it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"I hope so," was all he could say.

We counted on Lester leaving, and Teddy becoming anxious. What we didn't count on was losing him.

We first lost him when Lester was supposed to give him Laeddis' intake form. Lester came back frantic because the paper fell down a cliff and Teddy went after it. We waited till day break the next morning to search for him, the warden bitterly leading the way. Sadly, it was he who found Teddy and returned him.

I never wished ill on anyone, yet a part of me hoped the warden would push Teddy to the breaking point. We'd break the fight of course, but only after Teddy had his say. Wrong of me as it was, I knew I wasn't the only one with the same thought. The Warden was a very unpopular person.

I took Teddy back to the compound, we talked. I waited for the opportunity in which I would deny Chuck ever existed. I couldn't help but find it amusing, Teddy's seriousness. I blamed it on lack of sleep. What really got me, was the 'Bob is insane' reference. Terrible joke as it was, the truth that stemmed from it made it funnier than it really was.

Then we lost him a second time.

He was supposed to escape; it was given. We gave the orderly Trey, specific instructions that he was to give Andrew. However, unlike what was planned, Andrew did not go straight to the lighthouse. He was missing for another night and the warden lost his patience.

Then Teddy blew up my car.

I was more stunned than angry. All I thought as I watched the fire rage was 'who fucking blows up a car?' We searched everywhere; the compound, the caves, the ferry, and even the cemetery. We found him during the second search of the ferry. He wasn't aware, but I saw him dive into the water. I acted as if I didn't see him and brought up the lighthouse in hopes he would hear me.

When he finally arrived at the lighthouse, telling him the truth was hard. Hard because he didn't want to believe it, hard because I was hanging on a fragile thread, hard because he looked at us as if we were monsters.

Maybe we were.

Emily administered a new drug to him to help him sleep and clear his mind. He woke up as Andrew and while we could breath a little easier, we weren't out in the clear yet. The next day would be the final test. If Andrew could remain himself, if he could hold on to his sanity for another day, than we would have succeeded and he wouldn't have to face a terrible fate.

The final morning, Lester and I were up before dawn pacing and waiting. It was almost noon when Andrew came out from the building, dressed and seemingly calm. I waited with the warden as Lester talked to him. If Lester shook his head, Andrew was to be taken immediately and lobotomized; no questions asked.

I wasn't aware I was holding my breath until Lester turned to me and shook his head.

Disappointment is a terrible emotion. The sense of loss is a terrible emotion. Knowing you've failed is another terrible emotion. Neither could compare to the how I felt that moment. Failing to save a life is the most terrible emotion a person can have. It's failure, disappointment, and loss crashing down on you in one quick movement.

As we lead Teddy away, I lost a piece of my soul and as I removed Teddy and Andrew from their body permanently, I lost my heart and since of hope for the world as well.

Poor John. I tried my best to capture what he was feeling, especially at the end. The actor who played him in the movie did a wonderful job. I wonder what sad memory he had to bring up to make that face at the end of the movie when Lester shook his head.

Anyways, thanks for reading =)