A/N: Ryan will be telling Marissa what happened through letters until he gets a hand on Volchok and you know that he found him on the third episode. This chapter is about episode 1. I haven't watched episodes 1-3 but I read about them and looked up Ryan Clips on Youtube. No Taylor for me LOL
For the record, I never thought that the Cohen's life was better without Ryan, but knowing him always feeling guilty for everything, he probably would have thought that. So it's his thoughts not mine. And I'm not sure if anybody else was bothered by him throwing the pictures of him and Marissa away, but I found a way to make it better for me, to explain it to myself. And I made up him having a picture of them always with him;)
Dear Marissa,
Today Seth and Sandy tried to talk to me. They talked and talked until I promised to come by for dinner although I knew that I wouldn't. I know that it's not fair to shut them out and I know that they are worried about me but why can't they just leave me alone? Don't they get it? Can't they understand or don't they want to? I couldn't even walk up the driveway without thinking of you and the day we first met. How on earth should I be able to stay in that house or sleep in the poolhouse? Everything there reminds me of you and I bet that your smell is still lingering on my pillows. And besides, the Cohen's are better off without me. I mean, I have caused problems on and on. It started with my real mother that stayed only for a few days and crashed Kirsten's charity-dinner and then there was Trey, who stole that stupid egg of the charity-auction and think about all of Kirsten's friends that stopped talking to her because of me. I know what you would say now: they aren't her friends and they have never been. And maybe you're right. But nevertheless one thing is sure: before I moved into the Cohen's house, their life was easier.
But of course when I wasn't coming for dinner Seth came to the bar again, once again trying to talk to me and I have to admit that I feel guilty about the way I have acted. I shouldn't have been so rude. And that's part of why I chickened out, why I left the bar without talking to Sandy when he came by later. I knew that he wouldn't understand the way I'm acting and I don't want to hurt his feeling like I hurt Seth's.
Instead I called your mom and when I met her at the motel she wanted to give me the file about Volchok and I told her that it doesn't matter anymore and that I don't want to have it. And then I just left and that's another thing to feel guilty about and I hate it. I know that I'm the only one your mom is talking to (who would have thought that a few month ago, huh?) and I shouldn't have left like that.
And then it finally hit me. Everyday I wish that I would be with you again, that I would've died with you. So why not take matters in my own hand? I know that I'll have something to do first though. I know that you wouldn't approve and you probably wouldn't want me to even think about ending everything but you're not here and I'm not as strong as everybody thinks. Do you wanna know what I did as soon as I was back in my room at the bar? I threw the pictures of you and of us together in the bin. It hurt me so badly to do that, but now that I know that I will be with you soon I just HAD to throw them away. I'm not sure if anybody can understand why I did it but I know that you WILL understand. You know that I didn't do it to get you out of my mind, that that's not even possible. But they were mine and I don't want anybody else to have them after I'm finally with you. They are our history and they belong to us. And that one picture of us together that I have in my wallet will stay with me forever.
Shortly later Summer came and I realized that I hurt the people that were always good to me, the family that gave me a home. That's why I decided to put on an act. I left the bar with Summer and when we were at the comic store and Seth showed me the comic strip he made about the Cohens and me I really was touched. The only thing that was bothering me about it was that it made one thing clear for me once again: YOU were my family, at least the biggest part of it. I'll always be thankful that Sandy and Kirsten gave me a home and for me they'll always be my parents and Seth my brother. But do you remember the day when I wanted to leave Newport with the boat of Johnny's uncle? You accused me of being a coward and when I came to the diner I told you "I don't know where my future is but I know that it's with you". And that's the truth. Without you there's simply nothing of my future left. I'm haunted by my memories and still, I enjoy them and they are all that is left of you. I kind of dive into them and sometimes I can feel like you're still here and even if sometimes it's for only a few seconds, I love it. Yesterday I remembered the night of Holly's Party and the way you smiled at me when you took my drink away. You asked me what I thought about Newport and I said 'I think I can get in less trouble where I'm from' and then you gave me that smile that made my heart flip and said 'You have no idea'. Thinking about that still brings a smile to my face but looking back I probably was right. And I also remembered the night we spent at the model home sitting by the pool and talking. Believe me, I have often asked myself what could've been if I hadn't sent you away when you came back to me later that night. But I'm sure that it was better that way, because when we finally made love for the first time, it was even more special. Of course I had girls before but that night with you I felt like it was my first time, too. Because I have never loved the girl I had in my arms. I hope that you knew that it was different with you. Strangely enough, making love to you isn't the remembrance I'm thinking about the most. One of my favourites memories is the night of our first date, the night we spent at the pool fooling around. I will never forget the way you were laughing when I first tickled you and then threw you into the water and the way we almost kissed (btw, I will never forgive Seth for that). There are so many more precious memories that I could easily fill thousands of pages describing them. But you were there with me, so I'll stop talking about them for now.
Anyway, I moved back into the poolhouse. Maybe that'll make things easier for the Cohens when I'm gone. The first step on the way to reuniting with you is done: I met your mom on the cementary (and I can't even describe how much it hurt me to read your name on that damn stone, I felt like it would tear my heart into a million pieces) and I got the file about Volchok. She asked me what had changed my mind and I told her that I just realized that it's something I have to do. And it is the last thing I have to do: I'll hunt him down. I couldn't protect you from him when you were with me now I'll make him pay.
Talk to you later, Ryan