October 12
Chloe and I stayed in some cheap, dusty, shitty motel last night. We shared a single bed. It was cosy and we held each other all night. I kissed her, this time she kissed me back. I can't remember how many damn times I rewound our dare kiss to see if she'd end up kissing me back, but last night, I guess she was finally ready. No powers needed.
It actually seems kinda dumb to write shit down here. I killed a lot of people yesterday. Probably. I don't know if anyone died, survived, became a mangled mess. I'm not ready to know.
Chloe gave me a choice yesterday, at the lighthouse, in front of the tornado. Go back in time, to the day Nathan shot her, and just let it happen. Or watch the tornado devour everything in sight. How could I let Chloe die? I spent the whole fucking week trying to save her! And I don't know for sure that letting her die would stop the tornado. Fuck that.
I woke up so fucking early this morning. Chloe was still sleeping, snoring. So I showered. I cried. A lot. Like I think there were more tears than shower water. I cried so much that I threw up.
I feel like the tornado was like a judge. Calling me out. Fucking guilty. Murderer. Well, yes, I am fucking guilty. I feel like I'm torn between two emotions. This overwhelming guilt for destroying an entire town; killing a fuck-load of people. And then there's the love I have for Chloe Price. My partner in crime. So I want to just focus on her. How I feel about her. Otherwise, this guilt is just going to eat me alive. It makes me feel physically sick.
I don't even know what to say to her. I haven't spoken to her yet. What am I supposed to say? Sorry? But I need you? Hey, Chloe, so, I laid a whole town to waste to save you because I'm fucking in love with you. What the fuck? I don't really have the words for her right now. I don't know what she needs or wants. I don't know where to fucking go or what to do next.
Chloe's waking up now.
Mass-Murderer-Max out!