A/N - Thanks so much to the many who are following and favoriting this story. I do not hate these characters, I wouldn't bother to write if I did. The goal is a plausible story based on what the writers gave us to live with this season. As always, these characters are ABC's.
Final note, fan fiction has been plagued with many problems so were doing things in the dark traffic wise. Thanks again for reading and your reviews.
A Father's Love
Chapter 2
At the beginning of this mess, Castle had tried to guess how long this insanity would last. How long she'd be off on this rabbit-trail. He hoped it would be only a few days and then she'd come to her senses. He never expected weeks or months, but he was wrong. It had been nearly six weeks, and his attempts to intersect with her had proven fruitless. Her resolve to do this, without him was evident. She was not letting him in, and not relenting on her plan to search, as long as it took. Castle be damned.
He given up visiting the 12th, her incendiary looks were just to painful to endure. One thing was clear, she did not want him around, she did not even want to talk to him. He was limiting his contact to Esposito and Ryan, neither were sure what was going on. At coffee one afternoon Espo dismissed it as Beckett being Beckett. Ryan however was not so forgiving, his funk was obvious. It was as though her actions were directed at Ryan himself, and not Castle. He hoped Ryan would be OK.
XX
The 12th Precinct – October 2015
It was late, the running down of leads, interviews of witnesses, updating the murder board, adding pictures and filling in the time line had taken longer than expected. The day began at 7 am that morning, it was now 9:50 pm, fourteen hours later.
They were turning out the lights, Ryan walked over to the door of the office, "Hey Captain, we're taking off. How bout you?"
She didn't look up at first, "Couple more things to do."
"Well Jenny just called, I gotta scoot. After a day like this it's great to have someone at..."
She looked up. He could not tell if it was more anger or surprise in her eyes. He guessed she took the comment as a personal dig. But reading her had become increasingly difficult. Between the promotion and her own private world, whatever it was called, he didn't feel like he really knew his old partner, "Someone at?"
"Never mind, G' night." She did not respond.
She watched as he walked away from her office, she thought she saw a shake of the head. He didn't get it, no one did.
"Yo, is she coming?"
"Nope, more to do she says. What a frigging mess."
"It's her mess Ryan, let it go."
"Yeah, well work just seems to suck to me. This use to be interesting, she's turned it into a drag."
"What are you talking about bro?"
"Really Javier? I need to explain this? It's simple, the thrill is gone. The team is dead and she's acting the same as when she went nuts over her mother's case."
"You're crazy!"
"No I'm not." He stopped, and pointed at her office, "It's been a over a month since she disappeared for those two days. The problem is, the person who came back, is not Beckett. I don't know who that is in there."
"You're tired dude."
"Yeah, tomorrow." Shoulders slumped, Esposito watched his partner walk away. Ryan looked weary and like he was bearing the weight of the world. Tomorrow would be better.
XX
The church was full. He looked around, surprised at the many faces he recognized. The occasion was happy. But confusing. Jenny was next to him. Lanie on the other of side of her, holding their daughter. Esposito was on the far side of Lanie.
He looked across the aisle and saw Perlmutter. What was he doing here? Crap the Mayor of New York was on the row in front of the old ME.
He could see the back of Alexis Castle's head. From time to time she would turn to speak with her grandmother, Martha. Both women seemed to bubble with happiness.
When the organ began to play, someone stood at the front of the church, everyone present followed suit. He turned to see Castle who was standing next to the minister, beaming down the aisle.
Ryan turned again to face the back of the church. He could tell as the bride approached his row, the people further back had begun to turn and follow her progress towards the alter. He took a deep breath, he had no idea who the bride was, Castle was already married. His head hurt, he felt dizzy, and his feet seemed glued to the floor.
In the next instance, the bride was at the alter and the minister spoke words he recognized. The groom was Castle, and the woman lovingly leaned against him.
"If anyone has any reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them now speak or forever hold their peace." In that instance the quietness was palpable, but then something oppressive filled the church. More confusion, then the silence was broken, not by words, but by sobs.
Everyone had sat down as the wedding party took their places at the front. The sound of the sobbing floating across the crowd like an unseen fog, coming from the back of the church.
He turned his head and then stood. At the back see saw Kate Beckett. She was in the wedding suit she had worn when she married Rick Castle the year before. But now it was soiled, her hair was unkempt, face was dirty and he could see where tears had coursed down her cheeks. Her appearance frightened him. He had never seen her look so bad, almost as if she was dead.
The sobbing grew louder. The sound was barely human. A lament, combining physical pain and heart piercing agony. They were followed by words, that hit like blows, and he heard himself draw in a silent sob. It sent a shudder through him.
The words burned into his ears, "No, no, no. I'm your wife." The words stopped, interrupted by gasping sobs. "Castle...Castle..." then more sobbing, "Castle." His name was stretching, in a plaintive prayer. "Please Castle, no..."
He felt himself begin to shake. His entire body hurt, "Kev, Kevin,...baby, wake up!" He shot upright. The lights were on in their bedroom, Jenny was on her knees next to him, holding his shoulders. "What's wrong, you were screaming and thrashing."
He shook his head, trying to push away the sight of Beckett, the ache he felt in his chest, "A nightmare," he flopped back down, "Go to sleep Jen."
She turned out the lights and waited for him to calm down, he had scared her, "Kevin are you OK? Your breathing has finally slowed a little."
"I'm fine love, get some rest."
Soon both returned to sleep, but it was short lived. At 2:45 she heard him screaming again, "Beckett, Beckett, no..."
It took her sometime to pull him from the sleep and nightmare. When he finally seemed fully awake he held his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. It was the same dream, again."
"Is Beckett being shot? You keep screaming no and her name."
"No...I'm, no we're at a wedding, everyone is there..."
"Why are you screaming 'no' at Beckett?"
"It's Castle that's getting married, Kate is running down the isle," another long pause, "she's sobbing, telling Castle he's married to her. She's in her wedding suit, like last year, but it's dirty, torn...she sobs his name...over and over..."
"Oh, Kev...I'm sorry. Do you think it's that bad with them?"
"I...I didn't think so... but Castle called, she's avoiding him...things are just horrible at work...she's acting weird...she hasn't been at home for more than a month."
"Where is she?"
"She's in some hotel, she's out chasing something to do with her mother's case. You should see Castle...it makes me sick to watch."
XX
October was gone. November had ushered in a cold chill, a preview of the pending winter. The passage of time had taken its toll on Castle, his optimism was plummeting along with the thermometer. November of 2015 was making him feel, old. He found himself wondering where his life was going and whether the universe was firing a warning shot across his bow.
He awoke at 4:49 am, as of late, sleep did not come easy or stay long. The vacancy in his bed tormented him. He repeatedly found himself reaching for her, then realizing she was not there. He was coming to terms with the fact that she might never be back. His stomach would twist and leave him nauseated. In this early morning haze he re-ran the last six or so weeks over and over in his head. Everything had been good, and then, it was terrible.
Her departure felt like the time one of his friends died suddenly. It was hard to get his head around the fact the he'd never see the man again. It was the same with her, but much more crippling, the loss was devastating. It was the small things that killed him. The chatter as they dressed for the day. The funny comments shared over the news of the morning. Their plans and whether they'd be able to meet for lunch. Later, at the end of the day, she'd slump against him as they watched the evening news. Or he would have to wake her as she slumbered in a hot bath. Something as simple as not being able to pick up her clothes, and his, for the laundry room, caused him pain. All the little things that meant so much to him now. They were really the meaningful interactions of lovers living as one. He mourned and grieved for his lost life.
He had reasoned he would try, he'd followed her, created stupid ways to cross her path, to help her, to re-establish her need for him. But she remained unmoved. The worst part of even seeing her, had begun to haunt him in the wee hours of the night, like ghosts with howling reminders. He saw her eyes, full of cold indifference and the refusal to really see him. He wasn't even sure this was the woman who, had for years professed her love for him. This Kate was blind to the world around her, she seemed to see others, and himself, as simply props for her life. Like a prop all were used and then discarded. Over and over he felt like trash that had been left at the curb.
But then he gradually noticed changes in himself, things began to shift. The grieving began to lessen and he was struck by a heaviness, along with a weariness, with everything. The shift surprised him. Suddenly he was unwilling to go through another day, hoping things would change, hoping she would return. Something was prodding him, at the edges of his mind, but he couldn't identify what it was. It had weighed heavily on him, even as he as he'd climbed into bed the night before.
Though it was before 5am, he looked at the ceiling and for once, felt like he was waking up to more than just another day. He felt he was waking up to, another him. He would not entertain tears, or sadness or pain today. They had been a familiar, burdensome cycle, of his life. This day he was simply angry with Kate. She'd lashed at his heart, again and again and he tired of it. She'd inflicted him with terrible wounds, and had done so numerous times, always in the name of some higher cause. But for him, it was just another wound, the blood of his soul pumping out on the ground as Beckett stood over him. But every time he'd decided it was enough, she'd reel him back in with tears and promises. Promises she never kept.
At times he felt she'd pushed him to the very edge of sanity, and those times had scared him. It made him wonder about himself, even about his own worth. His run-in with Bracken, just before his death, replayed everyday and sometimes every hour. The words would pour into his ears, 'she will never be happy being your wife!' The words were a constant taunt, mostly because he knew they were true. Bracken had figured out his wife, and knew her better than he did. He'd seen something Castle had refused to see.
He was certain of his love for her, and that he would always love her. It was his heart's destiny. But his mind was starting to break through, forcing him to apply reason to his life. Over the last month he'd begun to look at things and was having more and more doubts about his value to her. Even her supposed affection for him and the love she professed. He knew, she would without flinching, look him in the eye, and lie. She had done it the morning she disappeared. It made him shiver, not just because she lied, but because of his willingness to believe her.
What ever clicked in his head in the the night, convinced him that this morning, with a new certainty, that he needed to make some changes. He had to save himself and protect Alexis from his mistakes. He needed desperately to grow-up. To admit his own errors, to accept the sobering reality that he was, a three-time loser. This marriage, like the two before, was in the tank. While he was married, she was not. This was not an unfamiliar theme for his marriage history.
As he shaved, he looked into the eyes of a 48 year-old man. He thought he looked like death and was undeniably alone. The truth was, he was running out of time and could not afford to be stupid forever. He needed a plan. Needed to stop thinking with his heart. He had trusted her and in the process had burned up nearly ten years. He needed to wake-up. He needed to make some calls.
XX
"What is wrong with you bro? You look like death."
"Shut it, Esposito! I think I had the worst night of sleep, ever."
"Let me get this straight, you're home, in bed with your wife, and that's a bad night?"
He shook his head, "Nothing to do with Jenny. I'll tell you later."
XX
"Rick, how are you're doing?"
"Not sure Jim, you know it has been, very hard."
Jim Beckett hurt for his son-in-law. His daughter was as obstinate as her mother. If pressed, he would say he harbored anger against his wife for this same type of stubbornness. He often felt her death had been avoidable, and those she sought justice for had all been swept away by time. But he had been left alone, to live out the agony of her absence. Now his daughter had climbed back on to her high horse, telling her husband she'd return, once the dragon was slain.
Again Katie had pushed away the best thing in her life, Castle. Her father never doubted she would justify her conduct for some meritorious end. He wondered how many times she could disregard the one who loved her. He called it, the 'Beckett curse.'
"Rick, as her dad, I know how hard she can be on those she loves...this has to be...tough."
"It's why I called, hoping you might have time for a cup of coffee."
"Of course, what works for you?"
"How about 8:15 at Marty's, the coffee shop by your place."
"That's early for you, but it works for me."
"I've been up since four."
Jim Beckett groaned, " I'll see you there."
XX
The two men sat facing each other, Castle took the chair facing the bright sunlight. He kept his sunglasses on.
"So, Rick, the end of a late night or just an early morning?"
"An early morning. Sleep has been...allusive as of late. The bed, my house is painfully empty."
"I wish I could tell you everything will be OK soon, but..."
"I know, it's her, it's her schedule."
"Have you made any progress with her?"
"She's both impatient and dismissive with me." He worked his hands, "She makes it very clear, she doesn't want me around."
Both men sat for a few minutes, long quiet ones and nursed coffee. Castle broke the silence.
"I believe, without a doubt, that you and I love your daughter like none other in this world."
"But that's not enough is it?" The older man said softly and looked up at his son-in-law, who was staring out the window. He saw the tears run from under the glasses. Castle made no effort to wipe them. But just croaked out a, "No."
After another interval Castle wiped the tears with a napkin, "Jim, she's killing me. I love her more than life, but..."
"Rick, I've never questioned your love for Kate. I don't think she has either, but I see the pain and agony she's wrought on you, I understand your misery. I was married to her mother...you know how that ended."
The men were silent, Castle started to speak but then heard his father-in-law clear his throat, "Rick, Joanna wasn't the only death in that alley. My young daughter died that day too. She was replaced with an angry, driven woman, who trusts no one in the end, but herself, which is just like her mom." He shook his head, " But I died in the alley too. My world disappeared in a flash. The full wonder of a family was replaced with Katie running off, and me into a bottle. I became a man I never knew."
"I'm sorry for what you've suffered Jim, I don't think I've ever told you that before, but I'm so sorry."
Now it was Beckett's turn to fight back his emotions. In a soft whisper, "And now you've died with me, in that alley...and I'm sorry for your loss...death is never satisfied."
Castle broke the silence, "Jim I don't know what to do, but I have to do something." He shook his head in resignation, "I know this sounds selfish but I have to get away from her...she is stripping me of life. It feels like she wants to skin me alive and each day another piece of flesh is peeled off." He gasped softly, "I don't know if I can stand the pain."
"You don't have to defend yourself Rick."
"I've tried to get away from her. I tried to stop working with her, it didn't work. I tried to stop her from pursuing Bracken's thugs, it didn't work. I tried other women, that didn't work. I am powerless against her, her tears and her apologies."
"I've said those exact words, I know them, and their terrible burden."
"There are days, dark ones, when I wish she would just walk into the loft, or my office...pull out her gun, tell me she loves me, and shoot me...but I want to live. I want a life. I have a daughter who needs her dad and I'm sick of being sick over Kate."
Jim Beckett nodded in approval, "Many people would think such a statement is insane, but I understand both sides of what you're saying. Knowing the pain I endured over Johanna's death, there have been days I wish I could have died with her, or that it had been me instead of her. It has not been a pleasant life."
The senior Beckett moved his focus to the window, re-hashing his own words. Castle's voice had brought him back, "Then you may understand what I feel I need to do." As he looked at the younger man, he could see the tears had returned.
Both sat while Castle reeled himself back in. After a few deep breaths, his voice was calm., "I have to get away from her. I want to try...before I lose myself." A long pause and a deep sigh, "She can survive without me...I on the other hand have lost myself in her, in us...it's what I thought love and marriage was about, but not for her...I need to learn to stand on my own again."
XX
After the meeting with his son-in-law, Jim Beckett called his daughter. Her phone went straight to voice mail. He sighed and left a simply message, "Katie it's dad. I need to talk with you as soon as you have time. I met with Rick today, I'm worried. Please call. Love you."
After he hung up he wondered about the tolerance he was trying to muster for his adult daughter. He had said he loved her, and he did, but he was so angry with her. She had a way of snatching defeat from the jaws of success. She was single handedly waging war on the best thing in her life, it was what she did, and it looked like she may succeed at killing it this time.
When Katie was just an infant, Johanna and he had watched a TV special called Shogun. It was a great hit in the early 80's. In the story Richard Chamberlain plays an English sea captain named Blackthorne who sails to Japan and becomes immersed in politics and it's many power struggles.
In one of the scene the Japanese Lord, Toranaga secretly has Blackthorne's ship burned. He permits Blackthorne to begin construction of another ship as a way of keeping him occupied, but he determines Blackthorne will never be allowed to leave Japan for the remainder of his life. In the scene the viewers hear Toranaga say to himself, as the two men watch the Erasmus burn, "and when you finish the next ship, I'll burn it too." The power of the scene, was what one person considered the burning of his ship treachery, while the other considered it simply practical, and necessary.
After listening to his son-in-law talk about the misery his daughter had laid on him, and how he was running out of patience with her, he decided, like Toranaga did, that he would do whatever was necessary to save her and her marriage. The only person who'd ever balanced and contained this head strong child of his, was Castle and he was having no luck with Kate this time. Jim Beckett, decided, he would do anything he could to save them, regardless of whether his daughter would consider his invention treachery. For him it was an act of love. He picked up the phone and called his old friend, who just happened to owe him a favor.
XX
Brent Meyers had been Castle's attorney for a number of years. He handled his personal affairs and helped keep Gina and Black Pawn honest. After his meeting with Jim Beckett, Castle made the call to Brent. The conversation with Kate's dad had been what he expected and more. It raised things he had not considered. Was his misery the price for keeping Kate alive? He did not wish her harm, he just wanted to get some space. She was in his head and that needed to change.
They sat in the beautiful conference room. When the amenities were done, each was silent for a few moments, Castle broke it.
"Brent, I need some help, need some things done."
"Rick you don't look good. Fact is, you look like crap!"
"Thanks, but I didn't come here for you to remind me I look like hell."
"Didn't say that, just said you don't look good. What do you need?"
Castle ran down the list he'd pulled from his coat pocket. He looked up at Brent but his attorneys head was down, elbows propped on the table, face buried in his hands.
"Brent, you OK?"
"Hell no I'm not OK." He stood and walked to the window looked out over the Manhattan sky-line. "People always ask me if I like the view. I usually say, yeah it's great, but you know what Rick?"
"No, what?"
"The view sucks, Manhattan sucks and life sucks. So when I look out this window, it's often after I get the news you've just given me, and all I want to do, is puke."
"I'm sorry Brent. I never dreamed we'd be having this conversation. I get the puke thing, I've been doing a lot of that lately."
The attorney turned and faced him, "How soon do you need these things?"
"That's really up to you."
"My rule is always the same for you, you're first."
"Thanks man, that's not necessary."
"It's OK, most of these are merely legal forms. The trust is a little different, but it's still form driven. The last item has to be served." He looked over at Castle, "Do you want me to have the service done for you?"
"Can I do it, and just sign something?"
"You can, but do you really what to do that?"
"I need to. No ambushes."
"OK, I'll have all the paper work by tomorrow, say right after lunch."
"Thanks Brent. And one last thing, I need a real estate guy, I can trust."
The lawyer rummaged in his brief case for a minute, and pulled out a bent business card, it read Terry Smith - Realtorand listed a couple of telephones numbers. "He's a straight shooter, a good guy, whatever you need he's the one to help you."
They stood and shook hands. Brent looked pale, he pulled Castle in and slapped his back. "I'm..."
"Brent, thanks, you're helping, honestly."
XX
Captain Beckett ended the discussion with her team. They'd just received the possible location on a suspect, the folks had pinged his phone, she sent them on their way with the usual admonitions. After they were gone she returned to her non-NYPD work. She pulled out the Vulcan Simmons file and reviewed it for a few minutes. She needed to tract the heroin, it could connect her to the LOSTAT source.
She looked at the directory and found the number, she called evidence and and after identifying herself asked, " Do we still have the seized heroin from the Vulcan Simmons case?"
The tech put her on hold and then, after a quick search returned, and confirmed it was still logged in. She thanked him, ended the call, smiling to herself.
XX
A few day past, Esposito was fed up with the funk Ryan has been in stuck in, "It's time man!"
Kevin Ryan looked up from the cup of coffee he'd just sipped and frowned, "Time for what?"
"Time for you to spill. You've been mopping around," pitching his thumb over his shoulder, "Even the Captain asked if you're OK."
"I'm fine." Biting off the words.
"Like hell!"
He was leaning against the counter, head down and coffee cup now pushed aside.
"Look at you man! You look like you could melt into the floor. Just tell me, what is it?"
"It's her!" He pointed at the Captains office.
"What's her?"
"She's screwed up! I can see it in her eyes! The same looks just before that dude threw her off the building." Ryan grunted and shook his head, "But there's no Gates to save her. No Castle to rag on her. She's on her own, and she's in over her head, again."
"You're crazy, she just adjusting man, it's a brand new job. Can you imagine whats coming down from 1PP?"
"You asked, I told you. Just think about what she's doing to Castle. If it wasn't for him, she'd be dead. He stood on that damn bomb with her and and came within one second of being blown apart...and she needs space. She's frigging crazy!"
"Bro! You need to calm down!"
Esposito was not a man who was surprised very often, but what happened next surprised him. Kevin Ryan was across the room in a flash, jabbing his finger into Espo's chest. His voice was loud, "Don't give me that! You told me that when you saved that guy in Afghanistan...that he owed you for life, his words. You said there's a special bond when that happens, it never goes away. So you tell me, what is she doing!"
Before Javier could speak, the door to the room burst open, Captain Beckett stepped into the room, " What the hell is going on in here?"
Ryan pushed off Esposito, looked up an glared at Beckett, "Nothing much, Javiers memory just went missing." He stormed past both of them and was gone.
It was Beckett's turn for a surprise, "Espo, what was that about?"
"Ah nothing, he's just a little upset."
When he sat down at his desk, he could see his boss still standing alone, looking at the floor in the break-room. Everything was off. He considered what Ryan had said, an wondered to himself, How could she do this?