DISCLAIMER:: i do not own any of the Inuyasha character.
CHAPTER 1 – HOUJO
March '2005
It's sort of a weird year for me. I always thought being a junior would be really cool; but it isn't. I mean I have to study double the times I did before. Parents are always nagging about practically everything and it doesn't help if you don't have friends to tell all this to. You must be thinking who doesn't have friends. Well, that would be me. I mean, sure I have classmates. But friends? I don't think so. There's this girl, Sango, who's always been with me since middle school. But I'd hardly call her my friend. I mean sure, we hang out together mostly in school. But I feel out of place mostly with her friends. I guess you can call me a loner.
Anyways, so it's really not working for me, this whole stuff. We had this English class the other day where the teacher was talking about diaries and their relevance. So I thought why not give it a try. I mean, I have all these things going on in my head all at once. Sometimes I just feel dizzy and moreover I deviate from the point. See, I'm doing it again. God help me. School doesn't appeal to me anymore, but neither does my home. And not having anyone to talk to doesn't really help. So here I am with all my jumbled thoughts.
Oh, I have this funny story as well. This girl from my history class gave me the name of a chat site a few weeks ago. I had never visited a chat site before. You see, my home isn't you're traditional Japanese home. I live in a shrine with my mother, grandfather and two siblings. I agree small space for a large family. But we manage. I mean we all have our own rooms but a common bathroom. Anyways, we're a tight knit family. Regardless, we fight. A lot. And being a loner doesn't help. It gets rather frustrating when all your sister and brother can talk about is how you are preferred, though that's not true or the fact that your mother thinks you should work harder on your grades than you already are. Then there's the case where you are bullied and emotionally blackmailed by them. It's a lot to take. In crux, they love you, you love them but you'd rather have a different situation.
So, anyways I begged mom to get an internet connection for my room. Like she always says, no you won't concentrate on your studies, but this time she couldn't; because I had an additional subject namely computers. I was overjoyed. My first use of this freedom was to visit that chat site.
I should have known it would be full of perverts and people who knew nothing but how to curse. But curiosity got the best of me. I stayed there for more than I should. I chatted with quite a few interesting and not so interesting people. Some were just full of crap others were, how to put this in a better phrase: incompetent to do anything else than just while around.
I also got to know about my limited knowledge regarding chats. I maybe a loner and not a willing person to study but I sure hate being clueless. So, I google'd and researched thoroughly before going back. Yes, I did go back.
I think I may have forgotten to mention a certain someone here. No, I don't have any boyfriends. Loner, remember. I did actually have these crushes throughout middle school, but only one major crush. Let's just end his topic saying, I wasn't his type and he was way out of my league. Back to that someone. On my first day on that chat site, I chanced upon this weird user; HOUJO. Though I know now, no one actually uses their original identity he insisted that that was his name. After that, I kept running into him whenever I logged on. Though he never knew my real name or identity we still had a lot to talk about. Those conversations ranged for quite a few minutes till I remembered I had some chores and left abruptly. That was always the case, up till two days ago. He was very curious to know me and this was all very new to me. I mean someone I actually want to talk to. How often does that happen? And then there was this thing that in between I had talked to some other strangers as well and call it stupidity I had actually given my number and name to a few of them. I couldn't help it. They sounded so sad! Depressed. It makes me wonder sometimes, do I sound like that to others? Anyways, some of them turned out to be stalkers. And some with really awful voice. I couldn't believe my stupidity. I swore after that never to give my number again. But I made Houjo an exception. I still don't know why.
The thing about Houjo is, he doesn't waste time. He called me the very next morning. We talked. I was very excited. Still no idea why. And another thing I found out, I really liked hearing his voice. So, for the past two days that's all I have been doing. Talking to him makes me feel not so lonely anymore. I guess maybe this is helping me in some way. All I know right now is, I keep looking forward for his messages and calls. It makes the day all the more bearable.
Kagome
…
April '2005
I still talk to Houjo if you're wondering. Funny story again, I keep getting this hint that he wants to be more than just a friend to me. Is that possible? I never thought along those lines. I did have this random guy from school, well not random we've had many classes together since pre-school but I'd rather not associate with him, ask me why I had so many guy friends but no boyfriend. That got me thinking as well. Did I repel men in that area? Obviously not, I mean they find me bearable that's why they hang out with me, but not enough to call me their girlfriend I guess. So, back to the topic at hand. Houjo has been, I don't know if it's intentional or not but flirting with me. I like him and all but boyfriend? I'm not sure.
Kagome
…
Still April
OMG! Houjo just confessed being infatuated with me! This is too much information. I have been ignoring his messages and calls since then. I hate this predicament. He's a dear friend and he keeps on insisting that he has these feelings for me that he can't rid himself of. I don't know what to do. My brains stopped working for the time being and I don't know how to react to this. I mean, obviously I can't share this info with anyone. Not my mom, not my sister, no one.
Kagome
…
Still ... April
It's been 2 weeks since that confession. I finally got up the nerves and talked to one of my classmate, Akone, about Houjo. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I needed advice. She was pretty cool about it. She asked me everything about him and I told her without any hesitation. Then she asked me whether I liked him back. I couldn't answer to that. I liked him as a friend, but more? I wasn't sure. She told me I had to figure this out on my own.
Akone had given me a new direction of thinking. Did I feel the same for Houjo? Did I feel that way for anyone? I did once, and we come back to my major crush. Anyways, to be honest there was no pull or anything with Houjo except for the fact that I liked talking to him. I couldn't sleep the whole night and in the morning I had an answer. I called Houjo up and asked him how he was. He sounded really bad. Depressed. That was about to change, with all the greetings and small talk, I accepted to being his girlfriend. That is how I got my first boyfriend.
Kagome
…
May '2005
It's been only a few weeks since I got committed to a guy and already I smile like a silly person when I read his messages. Most of the times I asked myself, was I in love? I couldn't tell, I mean it still hadn't diminish my major crush or come even close to it. Anyways, I stopped thinking about other things altogether. I was kind of enjoying my time.
I was raised in a modern cum conservative environment at home. So obviously my thoughts ran ahead of me once I had a boyfriend. Even though I may not be in love with him I could imagine our future together. I loved our funny banters. That's one good thing about all this. But every good thing comes with a price. Bottom line was, Houjo and I hadn't met as of yet. We only knew each other from the long conversations and chats we had. I should have been skeptical, but I wasn't.
Once we even had a webcam chat. But only his cam was on, since I wasn't allowed a cam yet. My mother didn't want me to dither from studying; if only she knew.
Kagome
…
June '2005
This has been the worst day of my life. Houjo has a girlfriend. Can you believe it? I wouldn't have known if it wasn't for the social networking site he'd signed up to. OMG! I can't believe it. He lied to me. I can take everything; really I can, but not liars. There is something about being lied to that just sends me off the edge without reasons. He's been calling and messaging since. I can't talk to him! What am I supposed to say? Sorry to hear you already have a girlfriend? How am I supposed to even react to this? He already said he loves her more than anything but she's a female Casanova, and only returns to him when she is bored. Is he masochistic? God! I can't stand the thought of being lied to. I know I said I didn't love him and all but part of me is hurt. Shouldn't I be? So what if I didn't love him? I trusted him. He could've told me that. Did he? No. he took the convenient way out. Urgghh… I hate men. I really do.
Kagome
…
Still June
Please don't hate me on my confession. I'm still friends with Houjo. I know this seems weird and all but I've figured something out. I'm so used to talking to Houjo that not talking to him sends me into this loner mode again. I mean, since I started talking to him, I talk to others as well in my class. It's more over the same, but atleast I'm making an effort. I told Akone about everything. To my surprise she was really angry. Maybe I do have friends. Anyway, so I'm helping Houjo sort out his troubles with his girlfriend Aya. They've been on and off since forever. I do hope he gets a happy ending. Maybe someday I'll forgive his lies and regard him like I once did. Right now, he's just someone who's in trouble and needs a friend.
I have this irrevocable feeling towards people who are genuinely distressed. I can't seem to walk away from a person who is in trouble. Maybe that's what I need to change. Maybe…
Kagome
…
July '2005
I have never hated a girl more in my life. Aya is by far the worst person I have ever met. For the past month I've been trying to make Houjo and Aya's love life come on track, and what does she do? Goes on his back and has an affair. Does she not love him? Is she that heartless? I have no idea how she does it, but she sure is a remarkable example of someone with no conscience. Bitch…
Kagome
…
Still July
Okay, I'm hyperventilating again. Houjo just asked me to be his girlfriend again! Is he nuts? I can answer that, most certainly. I got a call from him 2 days back. It was a normal call. Then out of nowhere he got jealous over a classmate. Then he apologized and started flirting with me. I tried ignoring all this. I thought he was too distressed. Then he started giving off hints that he still has feelings for me. Wasn't once enough for him? Does he have to throw everything in my face again? I started avoiding him. I talked to Akone about this in school. She said he's lost his mind over Aya and maybe seeking a way to make her jealous.
I was no one's pawn. But today, when he called and almost cried, I couldn't say no. I may regret this decision again in the near future but this was the only answer I had. And now, I was committed to the guy who lied and broke my trust again.
Kagome
…
August '2005
I had the most amazing birthday! Mom gave me a surprise by planning a family trip. We hadn't been on one for a long time, and it felt great. We all bonded like this after a really long time. I had been so cooped up in my own problems that I wasn't able to give time to my family at all. I couldn't be there for my sister, Kikyou, when she was heartbroken over a character dying in her favourite novel. I still don't remember the name of that book! She'd kill me if she knew. I hadn't talked to my mom in a while. And I was starting to feel a stranger to my own family. I tried making amends over the month and by amends I mean I talked to Houjo as little as possible. We texted more now. I made it a point to listen to my sister more often, hang out with my brother, help mom out with her chores and even give some company to grandfather.
I am starting to feel like a superwoman. Though I doubt she was this young facing so many problems at once.
Kagome
…
September '2005
Okay, this is more weird than anyone can imagine. Houjo tried talking dirty to me! I get the flirting part, but dirty? I almost puked when he texted me in the middle of the night. I didn't talk to him for like 3-4 days. He was so sorry he even mentioned it. I still cringe at the thought of that message.
Good news! Houjo is coming to my city to meet me next week! I am so excited. And the best part is, I told Kikyou about him. She wasn't thrilled but still supported me. Akone is a bit skeptical about him, but I know she's only looking out for me. I'm crossing my fingers for the best.
Kagome
…
Still September
WOW. The date was oddly pleasant. He even bought me a gift! Today, in the morning, when I woke I still thought maybe I was dreaming about all this. That Houjo wasn't coming all the way across the country to meet me! But he did. He came and we met! He couldn't stop smiling and neither could I. I know now, there is no going back. I may not love him like the love I've read about so many times but time has answers to everything. You never know.
Kagome
…
October '2005
He hasn't called since we met. His phone is off and I'm just worried.
Kagome
…
November '2005
Still the same. Is he ok? I've left him so many messages. Why doesn't he reply? I felt so bad today in school when I told Akone about this. She shook her head and hugged me. Does she know something I don't? I couldn't do anything except cry in her arms. I don't think anyone had seen me cry before.
Kagome
…
December '2005
I haven't been eating properly. I just can't. It's too overwhelming. I almost fainted in school today because of this. Knowing the consequences and everything, I still can't pick up the spoon and eat. He lied. He broke my trust. Did he find me that repulsive? Fresh tears keep forming whenever I think about it. I try to avoid contact with everyone but no one is willing to let me be. In school, Akone won't let me be alone. She thinks I'm being too hard on myself. Am I? I don't think so. I deserve this and much worse for trusting someone like him again. Mom's been frantic. I want to console her but I can't. Yesterday, when we were in the kitchen, she asked me if there was something in particular I wanted to eat. A simple question sent me overboard and I started crying in her arms. She loves me so much. My family, my friends, everyone. I felt so alone.
Mom didn't ask me anything. She understood somehow. But that was the last time I cried infront of her.
Kagome