"No," said the Yellow Diamond.
Steven and Lars' jaws dropped "WHAT?!"
"It's true that our quarrel is no longer with you or your mother," the Yellow Diamond continued, "But the real criminal is one of your Earth people."
The Blue Pearl, who served as stenographer for the trial, raised her hand.
"May I play the video recorded by the bug planted by an eyewitness?" she asked.
"Yes, you may," said her Diamond.
The video began to play, projected on the wall behind Steven and Lars.
"Wait..." said Steven, "If this was from many years ago, why only now are we getting these eyewitness reports?"
The Blue Diamond sighed, "Nobody really liked Rose Quartz because of her loyalty to Earth. They just wanted to see her get in trouble for something, and we believed them."
The projection showed an old blue-haired man in a white lab coat. The recording bug was placed on the forehead of a nearby human, possibly the old man's apprentice. The 'apprentice' watched as the old man pull out a futuristic looking gun, and aimed it at the Pink Diamond leaving her palanquin, half a mile away. The beam fired from the gun landed directly into the Pink Diamond's gemstone, shattering it, just as Rose Quartz came into view, sword in hand.
The old man's voice was then heard, "Okay, now we wait for the commotion to URRP die down, then we'll grab some of those shards and split!"
The Blue Pearl fast-forwarded the tape to the point where the palanquin appeared to be abandoned.
"Okay, go!" said the old man's voice.
The apprentice ran over to the remains of the Pink Diamond and picked them up with his bare hands. He ran back to the old man, who put them in a small blue pouch. Both members of the party climbed into their spaceship-shaped transport. A green portal opened, and the transport passed through it. On the other side of the portal was a garage, and the transport stopped.
Steven was confused. Were they still on his Earth?
"Wouldn't it be simpler to just capture the man who shattered him rather than blow up the whole planet?" he asked.
"The simplest methods aren't always the quickest," said the Yellow Diamond, and they continued to watch the projection.
The bug-camera suddenly fell off the apprentice's head and onto a living room coffee table, where the Pink Diamond pieces sat. The old man, seated in a couch before the table, took out a credit card and chopped up the Diamond into nearly dust. Then the unthinkable happened: he bent over, and snorted an enormous portion of the dust up his nose! He stood up and his eyes turned a pinkish hue.
"AW MAN!" said the old man in a frenzious mood, "THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN KALAXIAN CRYSTALS! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!"
Everybody in the throne room was horrified. Especially Steven, who at this point was shedding tears of his own.
"And for this you want to destroy my home?" said Steven, sobbing.
The Yellow Diamond said "If you want to keep your Earth so badly, let me see what we can do," then turned to her Pearl, "Pearl, any information on that human?"
The Yellow Pearl typed away on a conveniently located computer screen. She read the report out loud.
"Name: Sanchez, Rick. Occupation: Scientist. Home: Earth, Dimension K378..." Steven sighed in relief; it wasn't his Earth. "Affiliation(s): Citadel of Ricks. Misc: Armed and dangerous. Prone to shoot down alien species that come in his way. Noted target of Galactic Federation. Approach with caution."
Great. All this because a complete stranger shattered their beloved Pink Diamond for sport.
Suddenly, there was a sound of footsteps coming from the far end of the throne room. It got louder and louder until...
A tall woman emerged from the darkness. She was as tall as the Yellow and Blue Diamonds. Her dress was mostly white with touches of sky blue here and there. The hair was as messed up as the old man's hair in the video, but a white diamond was visible on the very top of her head. It was the White Diamond herself! Everybody looked in her direction in shock and awe. The Blue Diamond stood up from her throne to giver the White one a long-awaited hug.
"WHITE DIAMOND!" said the Blue one, "We missed you so!"
The Yellow Diamond slouched in her throne, rolling her eyes. 'Blue could do better than that' she thought. Suddenly, the White Diamond pushed out of the hug.
"What the f*** was that for?" she said.
The other Diamonds were startled with her attitude. This was not the White Diamond they had come to admire. Then again, she had been gone for a millennia, maybe more.
"I'm sorry, White Diamond," said the Blue Diamond, "We thought you deserved a welcoming gesture after returning from your unusually long absence."
"URRP. Whatever," said the White Diamond.
She took a seat in a third throne that appeared out of nowhere.
"So, where's Pinkie?" she asked rudely.
"She was shattered by an Earth-born killer," said the Yellow Diamond, annoyed.
The White one pointed at Steven, "This one?"
"No!" said Steven, "I already cleared my name! I..I'm Steven, nice to meet you Miss White Diamond!"
The White Diamond gave Steven a light tap on his head, "I like this kid. The-the-this Earth doesn't sound like a URRPbad planet after all!"
"We were planning to destroy it," grunted the Yellow Diamond, "We would've already if Blue here wasn't keeping the 'human zoo' running in Pink's place. You're the tie breaker. Should we destroy that miserable planet, or let it live for this Steven's sake?"
The White Diamond pulled out a flask from her dress and took a swig, then put it back. Then she stood up and put her arm around the Yellow Diamond.
"Look, Yellow...URRP I don't give a f*** about what you say. You know why?"
The Yellow Diamond was understandably shocked by what the White one said, and made the mistake of letting her continue.
"Cause I'm resigning from your precious Diamond Authority. Why are we sticking our noses in URRPother planets' businesses anyway?
"Resigning? What are you talking about?"
Out of the blue, the White Diamond pulled out a laser gun and pointed it at the Yellow Diamond's gem.
"I'm working for the Citadel of Ricks, B****! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M DIAMOND RIIIICCCKKKKK!"
A green portal opened up nearby, and out came a familiar-looking transport, containing a familiar-looking old man and apprentice. The transport hovered while the old man rolled down a window.
"Good work, Rick N704," the old man said to the Diamond, "I'll take it from here."
The old man...Rick K378...pulled out his own gun and fired directly into the Yellow Diamond's core, shattering her. Then the transport landed beside Steven. Rick and his apprentice emerged from both sides of the vehicle, and over to the diamond pieces.
"Two down twoda go, URRPamiright, Morty?" he said to his apprentice.
"Geez," said Morty, watching Rick pick up the stray pieces, "Did you really shatter that diamond, Rick?"
"Yep! Now to spruce up the shards and sell them on 47th street!"
Rick stood up and turned to Steven and Lars. They were in a state of speechlessness.
Finally, Steven broke the ice, "Is that it? Is the Homeworld gonna leave the Earth alone yet?"
The humans looked up at the Blue and White/Rick Diamonds.
"If it's any URRPcomfort, kid," said the White/Rick Diamond, "Nobody sets up plans to destroy an Earth and get away with it. Not as long as I'm running the show! I'M DIAMOND RICK!"
Steven turned to the Blue Diamond, who said nothing-still shedding those tears. He turned back to Human Rick.
"Climb aboard," he said.
Steven and Lars got in the backseat of Rick's transport, with Morty riding shotgun. Then Steven remembered something.
"Listen, before we go, I wanna bring somebody with us."
"Lay it URRPon me, kid..." (whisper whisper whisper whisper whisper)
One quick portal shortcut later, the transport arrived on the East Coast, a few feet away from Downtown Beach City and the Crystal Gems' temple.
The first voice to be heard was "I predict we're being taken to a safer place!" Oh Padparadscha, you little rascal you.
The Off-color gems were set free at last, while Steven and Lars were welcomed home with open arms by their respective families. Rick and Morty sat in their transport, observing their surroundings and wondering what to do next.
"Wow, Rick!" said Morty, "I still can't believe you single-handedly saved a planet from being destroyed! I..I didn't think you had it in you!"
"Full disclosure, Morty," said Rick, "I didn't want to. This was nothing but a URRPbadly-written fanfiction...crossover thing that nobody's gonna read. It's as if the idiot who wrote this never watched the show, Morty!"
Morty groaned, and once more, the transport took off into the afternoon sky. The search for McDonald's Szechuan Sauce continues.
RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUNKERS!