Secondhand Smile

A/N: READ THIS

Before this fic, I had never, ever written third-person Jim POV, ever, despite my history in this fandom. When I realized what I was doing, midway through the second chapter, I got too intimidated to continue and completely abandoned the fic for basically the whole month of May. When I came back to it, I decided to just start it from Jim's first-person POV, and it started out so strongly, I was worried I would lose it if I veered away from it, so I kept it. So this chapter is Jim's POV, first-person, and it might stay that way throughout this whole fic. Just so you know.

Anyway, look at us! Two chapters in! I dunno why I included BEN so much in this chapter, because he's annoying as hell. But I also feel sorry for him, and I always imagine Jim and BEN to act sort of like brothers, and yeah, I'm sure BEN gets on Jim's nerves and Jim sometimes loses his shit and yells at BEN, but I just kind of imagine they're stuck with each other and they both like it that way. Jim secretly likes it that way, but they like it that way nonetheless. Anyway. Rambles. Please review if you enjoyed it, and please give feedback if you notice an issue! I may have wrongly characterized somebody or my dialogue may be unnatural or something, so if you notice anything amiss, please politely address it.

Silver was gone.

And this was a good thing, and I knew that, it was for the best and I knew that, I knew he couldn't have stayed – if he had, the captain would have had him on trial, facing the executioner's block or lifelong imprisonment the instant we docked at the spaceport. Silver, he was just trying to survive, just trying to look out for himself and Morph, he hadn't meant for things to end up this way, he hadn't, but they had and he was just doing the best he could with what was left.

He was out there somewhere, I knew; I could just imagine him sitting in the skiff, gap-toothed grin stretching his lips, cyborg eye flashing overjoyed gold, the wind in his face, Morph at his side, the eternal red skies around them, welcoming them; they were out there somewhere, they were alive, they were free, and they were together, out among the stars they both loved so much. They were alive, and they were free, and they were happy.

That should have been all that mattered to me.

I shouldn't still be here, in the hangar, I shouldn't be staring out at the patches of pink sky visible through the open hatch; I should have closed the hatch and left already, should have been standing on deck with the others, staring out at the spaceport, waiting, like them, to get back home. I should have wanted to go home. I shouldn't have been thinking, shouldn't still be here wasting my time wondering if Silver would have let me say goodbye. If he would have looked at me or smiled at me or even talked to me at all, if he would have said goodbye to me, too. If he missed me. If he would have left me with something, anything, to hold onto. If he would have let me come with him, if I had asked. If he would have stayed, if I'd asked.

No.

I shut those thoughts down before they could even start themselves up. I wasn't going down that road, especially not today.

I shouldn't have still been here, I should…I should have just left. I should have done that.

But I couldn't find it in me to move yet, so I just stayed where I was – crouched on my knees by the hatch, staring out at nothing.

Silver couldn't have stayed. And it would have been selfish and stupid and mean – I would have been selfish and stupid and mean, if I had asked him to. For a minute, I was glad he'd left before I had reached him. I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that if I had caught him here, if I had made it down here in time, I would have asked him to do that. To stay. For me.

And if he had said no; if he had told me that he couldn't; if I had looked up into his face and seen in every line and scar and flaw there, that he was telling the truth; if I had seen him one more time; if I had stared out into those eternal red skies and twinkling stars with him at my side…I would have asked if I could come with him.

And if he had let me, I would have jumped into that skiff without a second thought; because if I had looked up into his face and seen every line and scar and flaw, if I had seen him smile at me or heard him laugh, if I had tried to say goodbye, the idea of letting him go would have seemed impossible and unbearable.

I would have, I realized – and shame burst to life in my stomach, flaring up suddenly like fire – I would have abandoned everyone, everything else, just for a few more minutes with that old cyborg. I would have done it, and I probably would have thought of them, and missed them, but I wouldn't have ever found it in me to turn back, to ask Silver to take me home. If I had seen him even for a second, I would have gone anywhere just to be at his side.

It was better, I realized, that I hadn't gotten to say anything at all.

The minute I stepped off the gangplank – the second my boots hit the crowded, dusty streets of Montressor Spaceport, the noise hit me like a hammer.

Of course, BEN wasn't really helping with that; okay, seriously, I knew the guy was excited, and I got why – he hadn't done anything except aimlessly wander Treasure Planet for roughly a hundred years, so yes, I got it – but I figured he could at least talk like a normal person. At a normal volume. That was too much to hope for. And no, I'm not exaggerating.

"Jimmy!" He practically yelled the word in my ear, grabbing my hand suddenly in his and giving my fingers a squeeze. "There are other robots, Jimmy! I haven't gotten to talk to another robot in three hundred—well, no, because there was that time Flint—but no, I guess it didn't really count, he didn't let me talk to her, not really…she looked spiffy, though, if you ask me, she had just gotten a new coat of paint and had absolutely no rust, I think the pirate she worked for took really good care of her, but he was shady as a shadow on a sunny day, and that was some business deal, let me tell you, Jimmy…"

"It's Jim," I reminded him halfheartedly – I saw an argument about this nickname in my future, and didn't see myself winning easily. I swept my eyes over the muddy streets again as I talked; I could still see the captain, fighting the crowd, in the distance, her familiar head of pale red hair trailed by the doc's unkempt, shaggy dark one. The captain had taken off immediately, told me she needed to deal with the remaining pirates, and Doppler had tagged along like a lost puppy or something. If you asked me, they had left BEN with me on purpose, but there was no way I was going to tell them that. I threw another look at the robot and added, "BEN, listen, can you—

"Ooh, there are ships taking off! I didn't think any started out this late in the day!" He exclaimed loudly, metallic joints creaking and clanking in protest as he raised a rusted arm to point to the sky.

"Yeah, BEN, they leave all the time, it doesn't matter what time it is. But listen, do you think you can—

"I hear music!" He turned to face me, eyes huge and smile wide.

"Yeah," I nodded, locking my hand around his wrist and beginning to lead him through the thick crowd. I didn't hear anything, but I figured, being a robot, BEN probably had way better hearing than me. "But BEN, seriously—

"I love music," he added rapturously, wistfully – and really, really loudly. He threw a longing glance in the direction it must have been coming from. "I never got to hear it when I was with Flint, he didn't care for it at all, so he never played it, and then he'd get mad if he caught me singing—I know all sorts of things, sea shanties, mostly, that's all I've ever learned. I used to sing to myself on Flint's ship – I never really got in trouble for it or anything, but everyone knew he didn't like it, so I kept it real quiet, and then when I was alone on Treasure Planet, I would sing to myself to keep my spirits up and I told myself—

"BEN, do you think you can just keep it down?" I interrupted; I knew it was rude, but there was no way I was getting a word in if I waited for him to stop talking.

"Absolutely!" I wondered if he'd even heard the question, as this was his loudest yell yet. People actually turned to look at us as he went on. "I can do that, Jimmy! Whatever you want!" More people turned. Two aliens stopped mid-stride. "I can be quiet! I can be quiet as anything!" Three more aliens turned and glared at us. "Flint didn't think so, let me tell you, he actually called me—!"

"BEN," I hissed; I could feel my face turning bright red. Every alien in the vicinity was staring at us, and he didn't even seem to notice.

Thank God, he finally looked around and seemed to realize just how loud he was being; he sucked in his lip then and stared at me in total silence, eyes wide and apologetic.

"BEN, you can talk," I told him; I'd only known him a few hours, but I already knew that whenever anybody told him to shut up, he took it literally and fell completely silent, staring at you like he was waiting to be beheaded or something. "Just…keep it down, okay? You can talk, just be quiet about it."

"Absolutely," he repeated in a whisper; though this was definitely the preferable extreme, I wondered if he had a happy medium between this and screaming. "I can, Jimmy. I can be quiet. Anything you want, Jimmy."

"It's Jim, and c'mon," I motioned for him to follow me as I spoke. "We gotta find Mom."

BEN remained uncharacteristically silent for a full minute before speaking again; the question was voiced almost shyly. "Do you think she'll like me, Jimmy?"

"Who, Mom?" I paused to glance at him; he gazed up at me with such a strong mixture of hope and uncertainty that for a minute, I was sort of speechless. Was BEN really worried about that? I mean, yeah, he was loud; yeah, he talked a lot, and yeah, that could get annoying sometimes, but I realized with a start that I already liked him. I'd only met him just this morning, but he'd already grown on me, probably more than he should have. "BEN, are you kidding? She'll love you." I thought back to what he'd just said about Flint and added firmly, "Everyone will love you."

He beamed silently at me, and I gave him an answering smile back before turning to search the crowd again.

"Hang on, I think I see her," I weaved quickly around an alien, standing completely still in the middle of the street – and they were mad at me for bringing a socially inept robot to the spaceport – and squinted at a figure in the distance; I couldn't tell if it was Mom or just a really humanoid alien. "Let's get a little closer…"

"Jimmy?"

"What is it, BEN?" I looked away from my search for a minute to lock eyes with him.

"Everyone loves you, too, Jimmy."

I bit down on my lip, trying to conceal or suppress the forming smile on my face. "Thanks, BEN." I turned back to give the figure another glance; I couldn't hide the smile breaking out anymore. "That is Mom. BEN, c'mon!"

"Are we allowed to yell now?" He perked up slightly.

"No."