The sentimental value of my Ass

"Wow, wow, wow, wait," Irony cut Tauriel, who she found quite friendly despite the fact that she was pushing her with her foot every once in a while so she would walk faster. "You're telling me that they are five armies, fighting down there, that you two want to go down there, and that the elves are fighting for jewels?JEWELS?!" Irony made sure to use her 'are you dumb' tone. It seemed to work for the blond elf possibly cursed, and the red head frowned.

"When you put it like that.." started the redhead looking at her prince for help finishing this sentence. The blond elf's face relaxed immediately when Tauriel's eyes met his. Irony did not fail to notice it. She did not fail to notice that it made the redhead uncomfortable either.

"The white gems we want have a significant sentimental value." offered Legolas, almost nicely, looking down at her, from the height of his horse.

"My ass has a significant sentimental value." started Irony, pulling hard on her ropes so that the elves would be forced to stop the horse, with success. "But it's not going to have any value at all soon, if I die in a war I have NO business taking part in." she growled, not caring about the glares she had earned herself. " Plus without me, you could gallop there, instead on making the horse walk by my side while you two mount it. You don't need me." she said looking at Tauriel who seemed more inclined to listen. "You don't like me." She told Legolas. " And I am slowing you down."

At that the elves exchanged a glance the best they could despite being one in front of the other on the horse. Then they started speaking in a tongue she could not understand. Or maybe they were singing? She didn't know, but since the elves went to war for necklaces and such, maybe they communicated by singing. As long as they set her free she didn't care.

But after what sounded like a song, the blond elf cursed again, in the common tongue this time, but with an accent so thick she could not understand the word, then got off the horse, grabbed her and put her on the beast, before jumping on it again.

"Greeeeaaaat." Irony sighed. "Elves have no sense of logic. And Tauriel, is not into you princeling."

She felt both of the elves stiffened at her comment, and Irony felt proud for making them uncomfortable. It was the least she could do, after all they were bringing her somewhere to die. She wished she had never never freed the elf. She could have been so far away from there, by now. But no, he was bringing her where the orcs were. Some might even recognise her. Hell.

"The logic behind your captivity, is that you must answer for your crimes." answered the prince. It startled her that the elf understood the dark speech.

"What crimes?" she yelled. "I saved your life!"

"After putting it in danger."

"I don't recall asking you to come and explore orcs infested lands!" she snapped. The blond elf angrily sang something to Tauriel, who then gagged Irony with a piece of clothe. She would have bitten the she-elf if she wasn't aware that it was the male one she angry at.

The road was long, painful and uncomfortable. But at least,s he was not half dead like the horse. Though, seeing the chaos in front of them she guessed she would soon be fully dead.

The awkward couple led her through half destroyed buildings, in a haste, killing orcs on their way. Somehow, in the action, a sword undid her ties, and thanks to the orcs attracting all of the elves attention, she was able to escape. But she soon regretted her flee for she was unarmed, surrounded by foes and lost in labyrinth like buildings.

She looked left. One orc. She looked right. Two orcs. She looked in front of her, another orc. And behind her, she could feel a wall. And thankfully, the small hole in it. She didn't wait for the for the ugly creatures to jump on her to plunge through the tiny hole in the wall. It brought her directly in front of Legolas who was lowering some other blond elf's sword, that was pointed at Tauriel. Every one was angry and when they brought their eyes upon her, she wished she hadn't jumped through the hole. She wasn't sure why she was ceased, and her bracelet ripped of her arm and showed to the blond elf in full armour. He seemed grumpier that Legolas.

"How did you come upon this?" asked one of her captors.

"It was given to me. An orc, gave it to me." she lied. Every one eyes narrowed on her making her feel like a target's centre during a bow shooting practice. "Keep it, if you like it so much!" she exclaimed, suddenly feeling angry as well. "Just take it and let me go!" She struggled against the elves strong grips but they didn't flinch. So she pointed in a random direction and screamed as if she was dying. All the elves, including the ones who held her still, instinctively used both hands to grab their weapons.

She took off, after Tauriel who had also used the distraction to run away.

"Why did you leave?" murmured Irony, to Tauriel, while they hid behind a wall, to avoid the other elves.

"Why are you following me?"answered the she elf.

"Because being with you makes my chances of surviving this higher. In case you haven't noticed, I am not a warrior with an unnatural strength! I don't even have a weapon to fight!" Tauriel shifted, annoyed at the sudden responsibility, but did not flee from it. Instead she grabbed Irony's hand and started running again.

'Because being with you makes my chances of surviving this higher.' she remembered telling Tauriel about an hour ago. 'Never have I ever been so wrong.'

"KILI!" screamed Tauriel between two kicks. "KILI!" Irony wanted to help the elf, but did not know how. She also wanted to keep on living and Tauriel screaming did not help with that since she attracted opponents by screaming. Opponents among which a huge one she recognise on the spot. "KILI!" Tauriel screamed again. Okay, that's it, thought Irony, before discretely leaving the spot where she was standing and taking stairs that lead somewhere else. It was better that way. She could not help with the fighting anyway. No, really, it was better like this.

"TAURIEL!" shouted a dwarf between two punches. Irony cursed. How could she be so unlucky? Stumbling upon the only two people literally screaming for death to come to them. She cursed again when she saw a third orc launching himself at the dwarf, who she guessed was Kili. The dwarf had both his hands full already. She looked around. Ice. Ice. More Ice. Nothing else.

She sighed and ran as fast as she could, and when she was close enough, she let herself fell and the slide on the ice, to violently meet the running orc's legs, making him fall. Not loosing her temper, she stood quickly, grabbed the weapon the foul creature had let go of and clumsily tried to chop it's head off. Only, the first hit detached half of his neck from the body and the orc suffered during another long minute, before she could fully separate it's head from the rest.

When she turned, Kili had killed the others and stared at her questioningly.

"Tauriel-" Irony started, panting. She pointed the ice tunnel from which she had come from, "that way." she finished. The dwarf ran through it as fast as he could manage on his short legs. Irony stood there, amazed for a long moment. A dwarf running to his death for an elf? She shook her head. And started walking in the opposite direction. She mustn't let herself be distracted, not now.

Then she heard it. A piercing female scream. Full of despair, and pain, and sadness. Tauriel! Irony could turn back, she was still close enough...but she did not go back, and left any regret she could have had where on the ice she was standing. If Kili and Tauriel could not kill Azog, there was nothing she could. No need for her to die with them.

She ran. As fas as she could and as far as she could until there was no one around her. Or at least, no one who was still alive. The dead were numerous, scattered on the muddy ground and dirty with both dry and wet blood.

Irony inspected the cadavers. She found a dwarven sword that would fit her hand better than the huge orcish one she still held, she stole some elven jewels she planned on selling later to have some coins, and put on a large dirty rag taken from a dead orc to hide her face and body under.

Behind her, Dale was almost burnt to the ground, the armies were dying fast a the hands of one another and the sky was black with bats bigger than she was.

War was no place for her. She had, yet, to see the world and discovers its secret now that she was finally given another occasion to. She just hoped, this time, her luck would last longer than the last time.

Author's note:

AWWW. Writing this is killing my head x) I feel so bad for participating to the destruction of Middle Earth's history and characters...

ANYWAYYYY as you might have guessed by now, I am trying to write this fic entirely from Irony's point of view. So basically what she doesn't know, understands, guesses, sees, hears, you don't either! And it is entirely possible that I try to send you off track through her eyes, by her misinterpreting or misunderstanding what is said/done in the future..or have I already started doing it? Guess you'll find out later :D

Also the updates will be random...I plan on posting as soon as I write so you may have three chapters in a row then nothing for a month or so. But I will write it to the end, no matter how long that takes!