Here is chapter 2. Sorry it has taken so long to update, real life unfortunately got in the way. It's rather long, but hope you enjoy.
As mentioned previously, I haven't attempted to write in Cockney, but hope you can feel what Molly is feeling even if those feelings are in my words.
I'm confused. I've had a month of incredible highs, shattered by some appalling lows. I'm not just talking about the "job" or my ability as a medic either. It's my emotions. They are all over the shop and it's all down to a little girl and two men who are invading my mind, but for very different reasons.
Bashira has gone and it's my fault; taken away by the Afgan social services.
Smurf. Back now his injury has healed and he seems to think that because I saved his life, he has some god given right to follow me around like my very own guardian angel. He wants to be more than mates and he clearly regrets not getting in touch after that night in Guildford. I don't fancy him and I'm beginning to feel smothered by his constant attention.
Captain James. I've developed feelings for him that I hope I can put down to a silly crush. Feelings that I can treat as a frivolous fantasy and delight in the fact that I can get up in the morning knowing I have such a fine specimen of manhood to look at. Because let's face it, what woman in her right mind wouldn't fancy him? It's not as if it can go anywhere and he's not exactly going to look at me is he? The Boss is totally out of my league so as long as I can put these feelings in a box and not let them affect my work then I'll be fine.
The problem is; what if I can't? This is the first time in my life that I've had an opportunity to make something of myself and I'm not prepared to ruin it now by doing something stupid.
I'd never seen eyes like them and hope I never see them again for as long as I live. Bashira was pushed into the house by a man who I suppose was her father. His demonic eyes burned right into my very being with such hatred that I felt hypnotised for a moment. When I pulled myself together Bashira was already out of sight. I suddenly felt scared. I didn't know where I was. I looked around and didn't recognise the part of the village that I'd strayed into. I couldn't see any of the lads but so many pairs of eyes were on me that I started to panic.
"DAWES….. DAWES" he shouted.
I turned around and saw the Boss and was so relieved that he'd found me. But he was in such a rage and was screaming at me.
"Excuse me a second, when did Her Majesty die and make you Queen? "
"Sorry Sir, Bashira dropped her scarf and….." He was absolutely livid.
"So you thought you'd risk your life to pick it up, you are not in charge and you do not wander off on your own…"
"Sir I….."
"Do you realise how much danger you just put yourself in?"
"Sorry Sir it's just….."
"Don't fucking interrupt me Dawes."
Then his tone unexpectedly changed, it was softer and more measured when he said, "More importantly, you don't put yourself in jeopardy."
He looked at me and held my gaze for a moment longer than necessary then spun around and stormed off.
What happened there? He said it as if he cared. Not just for one of his soldiers, who despite his worst fears was okay, but for me, Molly Dawes. I ran after him but didn't want to get too close because I knew he hadn't finished with me. I was certain there would be another bollocking when we got back to the FOB.
When we got back Smurf was waiting for us. He was full of himself, asking if I wanted to; "cop a feel of his rusty bullet hole." He seemed quite miffed when the rest of the lads supported my plea that he should have been shot in the head! It dawned on him that things had changed whilst he was away and that I was indeed; "flavour of the month".
When we went to get a cuppa, he started to get all serious on me and said that if I ever needed him he'd be there for me. Smurf had such intensity about him that I'd never seen before and for once he wasn't joking. I couldn't help but laugh at him though because I was being distracted by Captain James in the gym area. I tried not to look over at him while Smurf was talking but it was impossible not to.
Why did he have to take his t-shirt off? He was standing there like an Adonis lifting makeshift weights. I'd often wondered what might be beneath that top but Christ it was better than the fantasy. Lovely broad shoulders tapering like a triangle down to his slim waist. Combats low slung on his hips revealing that feint line of hair up to his navel. Taut muscles everywhere but not bulging like a body builder, much more subtle. Pecs covered in a sprinkling of fine hair and a flat stomach with just a hint of a six pack. No fat, just toned, long and lean. God he's stunning.
He may be stunning but he hadn't forgotten about my little escapade earlier. After we'd all showered, he came into evening surgery to get his blisters dressed and was so serious, sitting there with his arms crossed when he asked me what I thought the Taliban might want to do to a female soldier who had wandered off on her own and had no cover from the rest of her Section. I mumbled something about kidnap and apologised again but he decided I should suffer the indignity of having it spelled out to me.
His eyes turned almost black when he hissed, "how about kidnap, torture, murder,….and rape."
He said how disappointed he was because I was developing into a really good soldier and could go far as a medic. I couldn't believe I had fucked up so badly but for him to be disappointed in me was heart breaking. I think he sensed that I was about to cry so he got up to leave, turned to me and said, "Dawes, we all make mistakes, the key thing is to make sure we learn from them." With that he looked me in the eye again and walked off. Then the floodgates opened.
We were patrolling the village as usual, Smurf and I sharing our usual banter when I noticed Bashira sitting on a bench at the back of some houses. She looked like she'd been crying and didn't rush up to me like she normally does. When I approached her and asked what was wrong, she told me that she was being sent away because she had been promised to a man. When the penny dropped and I realised what that meant, I felt sick to my stomach that an eleven year old girl could be married off. She is the same age as Bella for God's sake. The thought of some old guy stealing away her childhood disgusted me. How am I ever going to come to terms with their way of life?
My thoughts were interrupted by gunshots. I threw myself on the ground instinctively waiting for an order. When we were told the coast was clear, The Boss, Qaseem, Captain Azzizi and I went to the school where the shooting had taken place. The Taliban had gone in and fired. There were no casualties but Qaseem and Azzizi were talking to one of the village elders and they said it was because of the soldiers being here that they shot up the school as a threat because they didn't like the west interfering. This would no doubt stop the children coming back to school.
When we got back to the FOB, the Boss was handing out the mail. I got a letter from Bella but the funniest thing was the Boss got a paddling pool from his, "Mummy!" Wow I thought, I couldn't wait to see him lying in that. If he looks good lifting weights with his top off, just think how he's going to look semi naked, and wet! The mere thought of it left me feeling slightly damp with anticipation! After I'd calmed down I noticed that Sohail was giving us very strange disgusted and dismissive looks. I asked the Boss if he knew what was going on. He suggested we went to find out.
There was a bad atmosphere in Sohail's tent, he clearly didn't want me, a women in there. When the Boss asked if he knew anything about the shooting at the school, he denied it but it was clear that he thought our presence was only going to do harm and it would prevent the children going back to school. I couldn't stop myself getting on my high horse and started arguing with him about the girls not going to school when the Boss jumped in before I went too far and made us leave. On the way out, I told him that Bashira wouldn't stand a chance when everything goes back to normal.
He stopped abruptly and turned to face me and told me not to get, "In … fucking … volved …because I need you, … one hundred percent … by my side."
I told him I was 100% by his side but he said I couldn't be if I was worrying about an individual child. He locked eyes with me again before dismissing me. As I walked away, I turned back to see if he was still there and he was still looking at me. What the fuck is going on. Am I imagining this or does he indulge in prolonged eye contact with everyone in the section or is it just me?
We'd received intelligence that heavily armed insurgents were now controlling the areas around the village and the mountains so Captain James and Captain Azzizi cooked up a plan for us to set up a temporary base in a disused compound near the school so that the children could go back to school safely. 2 Section were dispatched to the village and I was ordered to set up a med centre in one of the rooms inside. Qaseem came in when I was setting up and I discovered that he'd been an English lecturer at a university in Kabul. He was acting as an interpreter for the British army because his wife and daughter had been killed by the Taliban when their apartment in Kabul was bombed. My heart went out to him, the poor man. While we were talking, we heard a woman crying and shouting in Pashto so went outside and discovered Bashira standing with her mother with a very nasty looking cut just above her eye.
Qaseem translated the woman's cries. She was asking for me to treat Bashira's eye but the Boss said I couldn't and she had to go to her own hospital for treatment. She carried on screaming and it became apparent that she was blaming me for interfering and Bashira getting knocked about by her father. I asked Captain James again and he repeated that it was not permitted for me to treat her. In one final attempt, I pleaded that if it was my fault, could I not at least clean the eye and assess the damage. He looked at me, paused, then relented. Thank god he did because Bashira told me that we mustn't go to the mountains the following day. I took that as a warning that something bad was going to happen.
When we got back to the FOB, I mentioned Bashira's warning to Smurf. He said we must tell the Boss because lives could be put in danger if I didn't.
Captain James was luxuriating in his paddling pool and was quite dismissive when we said we needed a word. I was disappointed that he was wearing his combats in the water. I so wanted him to be in his PT shorts! All kinds of smutty thoughts invaded my mind when I saw him lying there. My thoughts were disturbed by some of the lads who had decided to strip off and dive bomb him. It was hilarious seeing him jump out. However, he got distracted by a chopper coming in with the music corps who had been dispatched to entertain us. Everyone was disappointed because the Boss had been winding everyone up making us think that Prince Harry was coming.
After he'd got our visitors set up and they started playing, Smurf and I approached him and I blurted out the intel I'd received from Bashira. He suddenly focused up and practically frog marched us into the Op's tent to tell Major Beck, Qaseem and Azzizi what we knew. They decided the intel was credible and dismissed me and Smurf whilst they formulated a plan. Smurf and I hovered in the entrance to the Op's tent looking out at the music corps and the rest of the guys singing and dancing when Smurf came on all heavy again. When he tried to reassure me that I'd done the right thing, he tried to grab my hand. I flinched and pulled away. I was all over the shop worrying about what danger I might have put the rest of the Section in if we were going to the mountain to intercept an attack. My thoughts also turned to Bashira and wondered what might happen to her if anyone found out what she'd told me. The last thing I needed at that moment was Smurf getting all intense on me again.
Thank god Bashira had told me because the intel was spot on. We went to the mountain CP the next day and intercepted an attack.
The insurgents were holed up in an old store building a couple of hundred yards from the CP. It was all quiet when suddenly Kinders reported movement and a couple of insurgents came out and fired an RPG at us. It narrowly missed us so we began rapid fire on the store. Captain James requested air support from Zero and within a couple of minutes the fighter jets flew over and bombed the store. It was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen and the adrenalin was pumping so hard around my body I felt exhilarated. When the rush had subsided, we had the aftermath to deal with. Five dead insurgents and one badly injured. His leg was hanging off. My training kicked in again and I immediately treated him and he was medivaced to Bastion for treatment and no doubt interrogation if he survived. It was only when the chopper was flying away that the enormity of what had happened hit home. I felt guilty at my earlier exhilaration knowing that we had killed these men but had to reason with myself that they wouldn't have spared a thought for us. We were well and truly in a war zone.
Before we left I had to certify the insurgents as dead and put them in body bags. I was so convinced that Bshira's father would be one of them but he wasn't there. My heart sank. Captain James could see that I was disappointed not to have found Basira's father but consoled me with a, "well done, your work has been above and beyond today Dawes," and flashed me one of his killer smiles. I glanced over to where Smurf was standing and he gave me such a strange look as if he was jealous of the praise I'd just been given by Captain James.
When we got back to the FOB, I was re filling my med Bergen when Smurf came in to tell me there was a debrief with the Boss and Major Beck. I told him I was worried that I may have compromised Bashira's safety when he tried to hug me. I pushed him away with a light hearted numpty joke and went outside. When is he going to learn that I don't want this physical attention from him? It's beginning to feel really uncomfortable.
I got some serious praise from Major Beck. I was elated to be praised in front of the others knowing that my intel had resulted in the removal of six insurgents, one of which had survived. It was especially sweet seeing the smile and acknowledgement on Captain James' face as he looked at me. I was still floating when he brought me back down to earth with a crash. He'd only gone and volunteered me for the female part of the duet he was going to sing the following night as it was 2 Section's turn to lay on the entertainment. The lads were in stitches, there was obviously an in joke going on and I feared that a major stitch up was about to unfold.
It was way past midnight and I had been sitting on the shitter looking at the stars and reading my letter from Bella. It was such a beautiful night but my mind kept wandering back to Bashira and the danger I had probably put her in. When I finally decided to hit my pit, I walked past Captain James' tent and noticed his light was still on. He heard me and called me in. I mentioned that I was worried about Bashira and I was stunned when he told me that we did have a responsibility to make sure she was okay and that I should leave it to him. He then teased me a little and handed me the words to the duet. As he did so, he told me to "piss off Dawsey," I said, "you just called me Dawsey, I'm clearly winning you over with my charm and magnetism." He let out a real belly laugh and gave me the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen from him. As I walked away it struck me how much he has dropped his guard with me of late. My crush is starting to get out of hand. I am now day dreaming about him constantly and have been having some quite vivid and lurid thoughts. What the bleedin' hell am I going to do?
I was in the middle of a very deep sleep when I felt someone shaking me, saying "Dawes, Dawes, wake up, Op's tent now." I thought I was in a dream seeing the Boss kneeling next to my bed. I thought I must have over slept but when I got outside, I realised it was still dark. When I went into the Op's tent, the officers, Qaseem and some Afgan men were engrossed in a plan. It transpired that true to his word, Captain James had indeed taken matters into his own hands and had formulated a plan to have Bashira removed to a safe house and have Badrai, her father abducted. As I was the only one to have had eyes on Badrai, I was required to identify him. The mission was set for early the next morning. The Afgan men were, for all intent and purposes Afgan social services and they would take Bashira to a safe house in Kabul.
As I walked back to my tent, a sudden surge of emotion came over me. I felt quite weepy, not just because we were hopefully going to give Bashira a better life but the realisation that Captain James really did have a heart and had listened to my concerns about the girl. I could now see why the whole platoon had such admiration for him and held him in such high esteem. I definitely had a place in my heart for him now that I have seen this side of him and wondered if there would ever be a place in his heart for me.
Well, so much for well laid plans, it went completely tits up! When we stormed Badrai's house it was empty. No sign of Badrai or Bashira. Captain James and I looked at each stunned that that they had gone. I immediately panicked and wondered what could have happened to Bashira. Just as my heart was sinking further, Dangles suddenly came on the comms and said he had eyes on Bashira and she was in the village square. I felt so relieved but then Kinders came on and said something was very wrong and the locals were anxious. At that moment, my instinct was to get to Bashira as quickly as possible. The Boss and I ran.
When we got there, we stood about 20 feet away from her when Qaseem asked to lift her scarf up. I was horrified to see a suicide vest packed with explosives. Everyone around me was shouting and screaming at Bashira to keep still but she was completely terrified. I heard someone call for bomb disposal and to block all signals but then a sudden calmness took over me and I took off my helmet and slowly walked towards Bashira. I vaguely heard Captain James scream for me to come back but all I could think of was to keep her calm so that she wouldn't move. I approached her and very calmly reassured her that she would be okay. I don't know how long I was there before bomb disposal arrived. After they had removed the vest I slowly made my way back to the others then the bomb exploded. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a pickup truck speeding off with Bashira in it. That was the last I saw of her.
We all just stood there not really knowing what to do. Looks of disbelief etched on faces. The air was thick with dust and silent bewilderment when the reality of what had just happened finally sunk in. When we finally started to pull ourselves together I expected another bollocking from the Boss for disobeying his order not to go near Bashira. When I turned to face him, he stood covered in thick dust and debris looking dazed for a moment before rubbing his eye. He called for Kinders to check that the rest of the Section were okay and to prepare to get everyone back to the FOB. His back straightened and he said in his Captains voice, "Dawes – I need you to look at my eye."
We walked back to the temporary med station that I'd set up earlier and braced myself for the onslaught but it never came. Captain James sat down and said that he thought there was something in his eye. I got some eye wash and drops from my bergen. I asked him to tip his head back and I put one hand on his forehead and the other on his cheek so that I could have a look. It was a little bloodshot and I could see a few specs of dust but it didn't look serious. I probably left my hands on his face for longer than necessary but it felt so lovely being able to touch him. It made my stomach churn from the warmth that he generated. I'd only ever touched his stinky feet before!
I had to lean into him to administer the eye wash with my legs pressing against his and my stomach and chest pressing against his arm and shoulder. It felt so intimate being this close to him that it took every ounce of strength not to lean in further and kiss him. I'm sure I was blushing from the sheer thrill of it all but guessed if I had as much dust on me as he did then he would hardly notice. As usual, to hide my nerves, I cracked some silly joke about only just being able to spare the eye drops because it was him. We chatted about Bashira and I asked where she'd been taken. He said he, "didn't know and didn't care" I said he was heartless and he replied that he, "didn't get emotionally involved."
When I leaned in again to put the eye drops in he started shaking. I wondered if the warmth of our two bodies being forced together could have been as thrilling for him as it was me. I paused for a moment to get a grip, took a deep breath and sat down and asked if he was okay because I could see that he was shaking and suggested that he may be suffering from shock. I wanted him to know that I had felt it to give him an opportunity to say something. I instinctively put my hand on his arm as much out of reassurance as anything else. He looked down for a moment without speaking then looked me right in the eye before saying that he thought he'd lost me today and he would never have forgiven himself if I'd been killed. We talked about lady luck shining down on us then our eyes locked again and we sat smiling at each other for what seemed like hours before Kinders came in and said the lads were ready to go. If only he knew what those beautiful chocolate eyes did to my insides.
I was dreading the duet. Yes I'm gobby, constantly taking the piss and having a laugh but that's all an act to cover my own insecurities. Getting up on a stage with everyone looking at me was a completely different ball bag. What could I do, I couldn't chicken out. I decided that if I was going to sound like a strangled cat I may as well try to look my best and maybe they wouldn't notice my terrible voice. When we got back from the village I showered and washed my hair and got ready for the evening entertainment.
I was technically off duty so decided for once I'd wear my hair down and apply a little make up. I used some bronzer to even out my tan, a touch of eye liner and mascara to define my eyes and to finish, a clear lip gloss. The next dilemma was what to wear. I only had my West Ham top (but I'd been sleeping in that) and a couple of vests that I mainly use to walk back from the shower. I went for a black vest and decided to go with my combats. A pretty cool look I thought. If only I could've had a vodka to calm my nerves!
I had such a brilliant evening. The new look caused a reaction too. Smurf's jaw almost hit the deck and his eyes nearly popped out. He gawped at me with such intensity. I felt bad that he still thinks there is a chance for us even though I have told him I don't want to be more than friends. Everyone was singing and dancing and having a great time. Each time I glanced over to where he was standing, I got the feeling that he was jealous of my interaction with the Boss. I'm not surprised Smurf might have been jealous. I couldn't keep my eyes off Captain James.
It was as if I was in a bubble, standing on the stage with him. I was so nervous my legs were shaking but when he looked at me and smiled, one of his killer smiles that lit up his whole face, eyes twinkling and teeth sparkling it had such a relaxing effect on me. There was so much warmth in that smile it was as if he knew I was shitting myself and did what he could to get me through it. Whenever he held the mic out to me, I gripped onto his forearm or hand and it sent a shiver down my spine. When he winked at me my stomach did somersaults, I couldn't work out if it was just a friendly gesture or if it was his way of being intimate with me. He looked so happy that night. I'm sure I caught him looking at by boobs at one point too. I suppose the vest did cling to all the right places! I certainly had sweet dreams that night.
Well I've failed. For the last few weeks I've really tried to keep a lid on my feelings but I can't. I've never experienced anything like this and I'm emotionally drained. I've got Smurf lusting after me. I have told him that I don't want to go out with him and really value him as a friend but can he accept that this is all I can offer him? I think men find it very difficult to be just friends with women without wanting more. I do really like him but with my true feelings lying elsewhere, I can't be doing with his constant puppy dog eyes and getting all touchy feely.
In the past, my relationships with men have really just been physical. Of course I've liked guys before but there's never been anything more than lust. Probably because they were never particularly nice to me or showed me much respect. It was all take and no give. It's now gone beyond just a physical attraction with Captain James. I suppose when you are in such close proximity to someone you are attracted to and you know you can't have them you cling to anything else that fills the void.
It's been like a voyage of discovery when you realise that what really attracts you to a person is more than the sum of the body parts and believe me, he has some pretty damn fine body parts! There's his courage, his devotion not only to his men but also to the army. I've definitely seen more of his humour than I thought, he is very quick witted and gives me a run for my money. I also love how self assured he is, his confidence seems to be boundless and he always knows what to do. The other thing that I realise now is that he has a willingness to get the best out of me. Yes he's been tough on me, sometimes to the point of breaking me, but I realise now that he's doing it to make me a better soldier, a better medic and a better person. No one has ever invested their time and energy into me like he has before.
Despite what he says about not getting emotionally involved, there is no doubt in my mind that he is, even if he doesn't know it. How can he deny it when he is emotionally involved with every member of the Platoon? After suffering the loss of Smurf's brother, it is obvious that he cares very deeply that every one of them gets home safely and would put his life on the line for every one of us. He clearly cared enough about Bashira to instigate a plan to have her removed to a safe house to avoid the battering she was getting from her father. Wasn't that the right decision when the bastard strapped a suicide vest to her?
It is all of these qualities that I have come to respect and admire. But is it more than respect and admiration? I find myself wanting to get into his mind, understand what he is thinking, what he feels; learn from him. I've got so many thoughts running around in my head that sometimes I feel as if I'm going to be sick. I'm finding it difficult to eat and sleep. Is this what love is? I've never been in love before; but I think I am falling in love with Captain James.
The scary thing is I suspect he may have feelings for me too after everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I am certain that his attitude towards me has changed but have his feelings? That's a completely different ball bag. He's not actually given me any obvious signs so is he just being friendly when his looks linger for a moment too long, his repeated visits to have his blisters checked that should have healed long ago and his worry and concern for my safety that seems to be stronger than for the rest of the section.
It would never work, me and him, so I don't know why I'm thinking about it. Our backgrounds are poles apart. He's a public school Rupert who in the real world is probably surrounded by women wearing twin sets and pearls who have cleaners and gardeners. Then there's me who lives in a shabby council flat, a dad who drinks his benefits and so many kids running around you don't notice if you've lost one.
What a mess. I've got Smurf wanting me, and me wanting Captain James. But what do I do about it? I can't say anything. If I'm wrong and say something to him, he'll probably have me transferred out of the Platoon. Even if I'm right, would he really confess? I'm not sure if he would. And even if he did, what could we do about it. There's no way on earth he would act on his feelings, not while we are out here anyway.