And what did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me ?
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more.
She couldn't wait to get home that night. The argument with Maura was terrible and she regretted what she said but she wasn't ready to apologize; not tonight. She needed some time to think it over, to find out why she said it. She never meant to hurt her friend, but something tells her that this is exactly what she did tonight.
She was so angry with Maura because she stabbed her in the back today. She felt betrayed. The circumstances of their childhood couldn't be any different; in fact they are as different as possible. Today was the first time she realized that they did not move in the same worlds.
While Maura had rich parents and grew up with everything that comes along with it, Jane grew up in difficult neighborhoods and only knew too well what it feels like having less money to life with then many other people. She never gave it much thought though as an adult she knew she wanted a job with a steady income and nothing to worry about. Maura didn't have to work if she feels like, she'd never have to.
Jane never went to College; instead she went to Boston PD Academy and was fine with it. She turned College down, knowing her father would spend everything he had but she couldn't do it. The thought of that made her feel guilty although she was sad at some times. Things could've been different.
She was angry because Maura did the autopsy on a Sunday, for giving them more time with answering questions. All in all, she was angry because she put them in the spotlight. She felt left behind and less worthy although she'd never admit it. She was the one who didn't go to college, the one who never wears high heels or loves dressing up. She was the one getting straight to business, the one who doesn't mind swearing.
She had no right saying all the things she said and now that she's walking toward her car with the biting cold creeping through her coat, she wanted nothing more than spending the evening with Maura and feel comfortable again. Only she could do that but she was still too angry and she needed a night to think it through and calm down.
Several seconds passed until she heard the sound of heels on the pavement and her heart instantly skipped a beat. She knew it was her, it couldn't be anyone else.
'Jane', she said. It wasn't a question, she wasn't asking for her to come back she simply wanted her too and the sadness in that single work hurt her but she was determined not to show it.
She turned and watched her approaching, keeping a certain distance between them. They didn't speak for a while until Jane broke the silence.
'What now?' she asked calmly but with an undertone of peevishness. She never attempted saying it that way but couldn't help it.
Maura turned her head aside, facing the cold pavement for a few seconds.
'I'm still not sure what this is all about,' she said calmly but sad and Jane immediately wanted to hug her friend but her pride and obstinacy kept her from doing so.
'Oh, you don't? I thought you always do!'
'I was just helping friends. They just lost a family member' Maura said in defense, trying to be reasonable.
'Friends? I thought you didn't see them in ages and I never heard you talking about them!' Jane said, feeling the anger rising.
'I thought I am your friend! You see me every day and you weren't my friend in there.'
'You know that's not true Jane!' Maura said a little fiercer which actually surprised Jane. She studied the pathologist for an instant; she looked tired.
'Why does it feel like that, Maura?' Jane wanted to know. She took a deep breath, trying to oppress her emotions. She had enough on her plate at the moment; trying to find out who or what killed the Fairfield guy while dealing with a rich and stuck-up family whose members consider themselves above anyone else and a recent cop shooting that left the whole Boston PD in a state of shock. A needless argument with her best friend was the last thing she needed. It was complicated enough the way it is.
Jane shook her head, waiting for an answer.
'I don't know, Jane. I really don't', she paused for a moment, trying to find the right words; knowing that nothing might be right at that point. 'I really don't know what's going on in your head sometimes.'
'Tell me about it. I thought I knew you,' Jane said and Maura caught a trace of sadness in her words. If she wasn't mistaken, there was a glimpse of disappointment which made it even worse.
'I thought I could rely on you. The way I always did but I was wrong,' Jane said and ran her hand through her hair.
In times of trouble you realize who your friends are; who you really are. She didn't want this argument, it wasn't right and she knew that the things she said or is about to say could damage things beyond repair. Some things could never be taken back because they were said for a reason.
'I'm not good at dealing with these people; this is not a world I'm comfortable in. Seemed so easy for you.'
'Yes, because this is who I am,' Maura said with a trace of bitterness. 'Right, this is my world. This is where I grew up! I can't help it, I didn't choose it!'
'You never seemed to mind,' Jane said and wanted to run away. This was not the way it should be, it didn't make sense.
'This is what we're arguing about?' Maura asked in disbelieve.
'No,' Jane said and felt the sadness becoming so overwhelming that it was hard to push it away. Only while being with Maura did she let her shield down, if she wanted it or not.
'It's about you not having my back while I was trying to do my job and all you did was insulting the way I did it,' Jane said and the look on her face hurt Maura. Her voice was calm, because she used all her strength to keep it steady.
'Sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing when I'm with you,' Jane said and it was barely a whisper. Maura took a step forward, wanting to reach out for her friend but her body refused to move.
'I feel like I'm losing you,' Jane said and there was so much truth in her words that tears welled in Maura's eyes but she tried to blink them away, taking a deep breath. 'Feels like I'm… I'm nothing.'
'You know that's not true, Jane,' Maura said and faced the detective. 'You are everything. For me, you are,' she said and their eyes locked.
Jane shook her head in denial. She couldn't deal with it now, she didn't want to hear what'd come next. She wanted to run away, she was afraid and hurt.
'Maura, please don't…' Jane said and her eyes filled with tears.
'I love you, Jane' she whispered and the words left her lips before she managed to think twice.
'No,' Jane said and shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. 'No, please… no…' She didn't know what to do. She was never good at this, she always knew there was something more but Maura was her best friend and she didn't want to lose her and she was afraid that this might just make everything a whole lot more complicated. She couldn't deal with it, it was all too much. Too many emotions for a single day. She felt desperate and helpless.
'Jane!' she heard Maura, begging her to stay. She knew Maura was crying, she could tell from the sound of her voice and it broke her heart, but she couldn't stay.
She hated herself at that moment, it couldn't have been worse. Her body refused to move once again and she watched her best friend walking away, feeling defeated.