Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything. I'm just having fun with them.

A/N: Here's a familiar old face! Enjoy. Thanks to gorengal for the beta!

A LOCI Christmas Carol

A Visitor from the Past

By the time Bobby returned to his apartment and his now cold bed, it was going on one o'clock in the morning. Merry Christmas, Bobby. You're alone and miserable. Maybe Logan was right.

He lay awake staring at the ceiling. Thoughts of his mother, his father, Brady - the man who might very well be his father, Frank, Alex and even Logan all jumbled together into an incoherent mess until he finally drifted off to sleep.

A loud banging noise woke Bobby from a sound sleep. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he tried to make out what the noise was. Shit! Someone's knocking on my door! Leaping out of bed and running down the hall Bobby hoped it wasn't an emergency. Looking out of the peephole, he was surprised to see Captain Jim Deakins.

Bobby threw open the door. His heart was racing and his mind was quickly going over all the reasons his old captain would be at his apartment at this time in the morning. "Captain! What's going on?"

"Calm down, Bobby. You look like you've seen a ghost." Deakins smiled and calmly walked past Bobby into his apartment.

"What...why are you here? Something...I mean...you...it's got to be...what time is it anyway? I don't...understand..." Bobby stared at Deakins feeling quite confused and disoriented.

Deakins sat on Bobby's sofa and looked around the cluttered apartment. "Don't you even get a small tree or a wreath for your door or something? It's Christmas, after all."

"Captain! What's going on? Why are you...here?" Alex...something happened to Alex and he's here to tell me...but why would he...wouldn't Ross...or her sister or father or...

"Relax Bobby. Alex is fine. She's home fast asleep after having spent a nice evening with her family. She would have had a nicer time if you had accepted her offer and joined her." Deakins stood up and wandered over to the window.

"Captain..." Bobby began.

"I'm not your Captain anymore, you know. You can call me Jim or Jimmy." Deakins smiled and leaned against the window sill.

If it had been anyone else standing in front of him, Bobby would have grabbed him by the lapels and demanded an explanation. But this was his old captain. Someone he respected and felt a loyalty to even now that he was no longer his boss.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself Bobby tried to overcome his uneasiness. Why would Captain Deakins be visiting him on Christmas Eve? Heck, it was Christmas Day if you wanted to be technical about it.

"I don't mean to be rude, but it's..." Bobby glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's almost two o'clock in the morning. What are you doing here?"

Deakins smiled and walked over to Bobby and placed a paternal arm around his shoulders. "Bobby, I'm here to help save you from yourself."

"Ex...excuse me?" Bobby stared at his former captain in disbelief.

"You know, Logan was right. If you don't watch out you're going to wake up one day and find yourself dreading retirement because you won't know what to do if you don't have a job to go to everyday." Deakins removed his arm from Bobby's shoulders and walked over to the bookcase that took up an entire wall of Bobby's livingroom.

"Captain, I don't understand. What does any of this have to do with Logan?" Bobby was starting to get incredibly annoyed. Did Logan put the captain up to this? Wait, that makes no sense! Deakins wouldn't be doing this! What's going on here?

Deakins was reading titles of books, looking very impressed.. "Like I said, call me Jimmy. I'm not your captain anymore. And no, Logan has no idea I'm here," he said over his shoulder. "Great collection. Literature, science, history, medical, cultural...nice library you got going here, Bobby. Impressive."

Staring at Deakins in disbelief, Bobby felt his patience running out. "What are you doing? Don't you have...your family? I mean what...what are they doing? And why are you here?"

Apparently unperturbed by Bobby's confusion and irritation, Deakins put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the book shelf. "You know, Bobby, these books are great to keep your mind occupied but don't you ever get lonely? I mean, look. Here you are all alone on Christmas eve and you don't have to be."

"What?" Bobby was still trying to figure out exactly what was going on. "You came here to...to lecture me about...what? Turning down Eames' invitation? Did she...call you or something? Did you run into her downtown or...I...this is just nuts!"

Calmly smiling at Bobby, Deakins shook his head. "No, actually. The last time I saw any of you - Logan, Alex and you - was at your mother's funeral."

"Then what the hell are you doing here?" Bobby realized he was yelling but he was confused, tired and depressed enough without having his former captain lecture him about his choice of spending Christmas alone.

"No need to be upset. I'm just here to remind you that you have options now. Sure, most of the holidays you had as a child were horrible...but you aren't a child anymore. Well, let's take a look at the root of your problem, Bobby." Deakins moved back to the couch and grabbed Bobby's remote. He turned on the television.

"Are you crazy?" Bobby asked, staring at Deakins as if he were an alien with two heads.

Ignoring Bobby's last question Deakins began to channel surf. "Ah, here's something interesting."

Bobby looked at the television screen and saw himself at age seven. He was sitting with Frank, who was ten at the time, in the living room by the Christmas tree. Bobby recalled their mother locked herself in her room, screaming that 'they' were going to get her. Their father decided he didn't want to deal with it, so he went out with one of his girlfriends and didn't come home. That left the two brothers to spend Christmas alone.

"Santa didn't come," Bobby said sadly.

"That's because our parents were bad," Frank replied, at age ten already sounding like the bitter young man he would later become.

Bobby looked at Frank. "But we were good! I tried to be!"

"Bobby, there is no Santa. Dad is supposed to be Santa but he's too busy doing something else to be worried about us." Frank stood up. "And Mom's just nuts." He looked down at his little brother. "I'm gonna go make us something to eat."

Bobby started crying.

Staring at the scene Bobby felt tears welling up in his eyes. "Stop it!" He looked at Deakins. "Where did you get that? What the hell is going on here?"

"Not fond of that year, huh? I don't blame you." Deakins changed the station. "How about when you were fifteen?"

On the television screen, Bobby sat with his mother at the psychiatric hospital she was in at the time. It was Christmas and she didn't even realize it. Frank had abandoned the family and she suffered a psychotic break. Now she was drugged and completely unaware of what was going on. Bobby had been placed in foster care because no one could find his father.

"Hey, mom," Bobby said as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Merry Christmas."

Frances Goren was staring at her son as if he were a stranger and said nothing.

"I brought you a present." Bobby began to unwrap the present for her. "I know you were complaining about your old one." It was a red flannel bathrobe.

Frances looked at it and still said nothing.

"I can't stay too long, Mom. But I want to. I'm sorry..." Bobby took her hand in his and fought back tears.

Frances finally looked at Bobby with what seemed like recognition but her words broke Bobby's heart. "Frank! I knew you would come."

Watching the scene unfold, Bobby felt the pain run through him just as it had that day. Even then she always wanted Frank. Glaring at Deakins, Bobby attempted to grab the remote from his hand but the captain proved to be quicker.

"All right, all right, here's a happy one for you," Deakins said, changing the channel once more.

This time the scene was outside Alex's sister's house. They had wrapped up a case and Bobby was dropping her off at the family gathering.

Alex hopped out of the SUV and handed the keys to Bobby. "Thanks for dropping me off. I'd never get here in time if I had to return the SUV and get my car."

Bobby smiled. "Not a problem. I'm not going to see my mom until tomorrow."

"Hey, come on, you can have dinner with us!" Alex offered. She grabbed his elbow and pulled him along after her.

"Uh...well, they're not expecting me and...I...I don't want to intrude..." Bobby stammered.

"Don't be silly, we always end up with more people than expected. Neighbor kids, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners all pop in unexpectedly." Alex grinned at him. "Seriously. This year one of my dad's old partners and his wife are joining us. Their kids won't be here until tomorrow so they're spending Christmas Eve with us."

"Ah...thanks, but..."

Grabbing his hand firmly with both of hers, Alex pulled a reluctant Bobby towards the front door.

"Eames, I can't...I..."

The front door burst open and a two year old came flying down the steps towards them.

"Aunty Lexi!" Alex's nephew called out.

Alex laughed and grabbed him up in her arms. "Hey, how's my little guy?"

On the front porch, Alex's sister Vicky smiled and waved them in. "I see you brought company," she said, smiling at Bobby. "I bet you're Bobby Goren?"

"Ah...well...I was just..."

"Come on Goren, move it!" Alex ordered, pushing him ahead of her.

Despite his protests Bobby was dragged into the house and there he was, amidst a family of happy Eameses and their many friends. It was a bit overwhelming at first but as he watched Alex interact with them, he started to feel relaxed and happy. She seemed almost like a different person. She smiled and laughed and hugged everyone and even gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek when he finally left after dinner. That alone was worth it. Alex rarely touched anyone at work.

He got into the SUV and waved to a smiling Alex and her nephew as he drove away, feeling happier than he ever had during Christmas.

Bobby blinked as the happy scene disappeared. Again he glared at Deakins. "What the hell is this supposed to be about?"

Instead of answering him, Deakins changed the channel yet again. This time the scene was Bobby and his mother at the hospital last year. She was weakened and tired from her chemo treatments, and barely able to eat.

"At least have some tea, Mom." Bobby offered her a cup as she lay back on the hospital bed.

Frances pushed his hand away. "I'm sick of tea. I don't even like it."

"Mom..."

"I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm just tired...so tired." Frances closed her eyes. "Maybe tomorrow will be better. Do you think Frank will come to visit? It's Christmas..."

"I haven't heard from him. But I can try and call him if you want."

Frances opened her eyes. "I guess this is more serious than I thought if you're willing to actually speak to your brother."

"Mom, it's..."

"Don't try to sugar coat it, Bobby. I'm crazy, not stupid. I know I'm dying."

Bobby grabbed his mother's hand. "No, Mom, you have to fight it. You're strong, you can survive this...we can try..."

"It's all right you know. I'm quite ready to go if it's my time." Frances smiled wearily. "I know it's going to be harder on you than on me. Though why you want to hang on to your crazy old mother is beyond me."

"I love you, Mom," Bobby said simply, trying his best to keep the tears from his eyes.

"I'm not giving up yet, Bobby. I'm just so tired." Frances gave her son's hand a squeeze. "Maybe we can do this tomorrow instead...or do you have to work?"

Bobby shook his head. "No, I don't."

"That's what you said at Thanksgiving." Frances closed her eyes again. "And then you had to run off to work."

A pang of guilt shot through Bobby. "I know, but I made sure they understood I can't be there this time."

"Then let's do this tomorrow. We'll open presents and maybe I'll feel like eating something."

"Sure, whatever you want." Bobby kissed his mother on the forehead. "Goodnight, Mom."

The scene faded to black as Bobby left the hospital.

Turning the television set off, Deakins tossed the remote onto the coffee table. "So, there you have it. All those miserable holidays, with one exception."

Anger and indignation rose inside of Bobby as he stared at Deakins, who was looking at him as if he were some kind of an idiot. "So what the hell are you? My subconscious mind trying to torture me?"

Deakins sighed. "Bobby, you don't have to be miserable like this. You're so used to Christmas being an awful time you forget that it can be a good time as well."

"Do you think I want to be miserable?" Bobby asked, wondering what he might have ingested that would give him this kind of nightmare.

"No, I just think you've spent so much time being miserable at Christmas you're used it and you're not even considering the alternatives." Deakins stood up and patted Bobby on the shoulder. "You're a good man, Bobby. You deserve better than this and you have options. If you don't watch out, you'll wake up one day and find those options are gone."

"What options? Inflicting myself on my partner's family?" Bobby asked bitterly.

"For a man many consider to be a genius, you sure can be stupid sometimes, Goren." With that, Deakins headed for the door.

"That's it? That's all you've got?" Bobby asked, feeling very unsettled.

Pausing at the door, Deakins nodded. "That's it for me. It's been nice seeing you again, Bobby. I wish I could stay longer but my time is up." With a wave, he was gone.

Bobby immediately ran to the door and pulled it open. Looking out into the hall he saw no sign of Deakins or anyone else. If Deakins really had been here, he wouldn't have been able to make it to the elevator or the stairwell that quickly.

Closing the door and locking it securely behind him, Bobby pinched himself and yelped. This has got be a dream. Rubbing his face with his hands he returned to bed, hoping the rest of the night would be more peaceful.

tbc...

A/N: Bobby's gonna start missing Deakins a lot in the next chapter. LOL