a/n: AHAHHAAH HI
so midnight crackshipping brainstorming leads to many things
WHAT HAPPENS IN SKYPE STAYS IN SKYPE
xxxxx
o2. the 'roid raging crack
prompt: "GOD LEVI WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH THE BROOM"
"WELL IVE HEARD YOU WERE MACKING OUT WITH A TREE BEHIND MY BACK LAST TUESDAY SO SNAP"
shipping: (okay srsly this makes no sense get ready)
levi x cleaningsomething
petra x tree
(but mostly rivetra lol)
xxxx
It was a glorious morning for the citizens of Wall Rose. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and oh-
Forgot about the Titans. Sorry 'bout that.
So, yeah. It was utter chaos. The authoress had been released to run rampant amongst the darkest corners of the fandom archive and decided to bring havoc to the beloved characters by hyping all of them up on crack. She had also decided to breath the Fourth Wall (hah! she is PUNishing the Titans!) for the fun of a more exciting narration. She had set the Titans loose in Wall Rose because she felt quite bored, and for the lolz also opened the walls to Wall Sina. Hah. Have fun picking off those Titans, Historia. Letting your mighty girlfriend do all the work. Pity for you, Ymir.
Reiner and Bertholdt were randomly dropped in the midst of the chaos, and were currently scratching their heads in utter confusion as a Titan began to hipthrust in front of them as well as devouring some civilians. They were considering shifting to their respective Titan forms and rekting the Scrubber Duckies and the n00bcakes (as the authoress herself was quite a geek and fond of the gaming lingo) but the authoress decided in her sadistic delight she enjoyed their suffering, so she left them as it.
The Survey Corps were on the job, backing up the lame-ass pansies known as the Garrison as well as every-posh-damn-high-school-valedictorian-prep-there-ever-lived- aka the Military Police. (No, seriously. Who the frick picked the unicorn of all things to be their emblem? And it was green. Like, the unicorn ate one too many rainbow-sparkly-pink cookies and threw it all up. And somehow, his fabulous silky mane was left untouched. What were they going to do, anyway? Fart out rainbows and poop cupcakes and spear the Titans with their sparkly diamond horns?)
Eren was currently in his crotchless-sex-on-legs mode (oh, sorry, that's just the authoress's way of pointing out the utter fanservice him in his Titan form provided), flanked by Mikasa sporting her red scarf as usual and Armin in the He-Man costume BECAUSE THE HE CAN.
Jean was slicing down Titans at the speed of light with the head of a horse grafted on the base of his neck like an inverted centaur ripped off from Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Night Dream (a literal Horse-face, hah), aided by the holy light of the Freckled Jesus (aka his Marco in Heaven) who had half his face shadowed and a halo and the fab Xenoblade High Entia wings on his head. Because angels with wings on their back are too mainstream, jeez.
Erwin was pulling a Naruto and fighting with one arm (though he still had yet to acquire a prosthetic one), as well as screaming encouragement to his soldiers as he chucked kunai and fuma shuriken at the Titans. Ineffective, but he had Hanji, dressed as skimpily and swinging as wildly from her 3DMG like a Tarzan-gone-wild-on-steroids kind of way, backing him up.
Oh, and Petra and Levi? Yeah. Um.
Let the games begin.
XXX
The authoress knew that everyone was almost aware of Levi's near fetish of cleanliness. She also decided to refer herself in third-person in this narration as it supposedly made her 'more legit.' Seemed legit at the time she decided it.
So deciding to hype up that obsession, she forced Levi to fall in love with the closet of his cleaning supplies.
The heichou/uber-buff Napoleon/Poncho!Sasuke was wandering down the halls, aimlessly. Oddly, he appeared to be fully armed and equipped with his 3DMG. His subordinates spared him a bemused glance as they raced past him, down the hall to join their fellow comrades in battle with the perpetually naked, porn star-resembling monsters that were currently divesting food from the Walls to sate their insatiable hunger. The authoress also decided that perhaps using over-fancy words and run on sentences like J.R.R. Tolkien to express the utter sardonic and sarcastic tone of the fanfiction was not a good idea. So she decided to attempt and stop the practice.
Back to the story.
He was meandering down the halls with a dreamy expression that could only be described akin to a sleepwalking person. (That was not quite the case. Being bent to the will of an authoress was known to have side effects of dopey expressions, but otherwise unless said authoress decided to be a d-bag and distort the laws of canon and OOC-ness, Levi would be quite himself though seemingly lead by an odd unearthly voice leading him to do certain things. Again, with the run-on sentences.) Soon the halls were empty and devoid of any other life besides himself.
His closet of beloved cleaning supplies down the sketchily-described halls of the castle the authoress was too tired and lazy to look up to properly paint wasn't too far, not. In fact, if he just walked down this corridor… and passed that door… ahark! There doth be the closet of his beloveds!
(She also decided that her limited exposure and knowledge to and of Shakespeare could lead to serious butchering of the language. So she stopped. But she was not, alas, an infallible being, thenceforth she would most likely butcher the English language again the future. Be it by middle English or by her simple lack of grammar in the contemporary language.)
With a great un-Levi-ish cry (she took back what she said earlier- because this is a crack!fic by all technicalities, the laws of canon do not simply apply to a few things) and a great gleam in his eye, that could only be described as unrequited and pure love, he ripped the door off its hinges with his bulging biceps that the authoress drooled over. His dark hair shadowing his face, he fell upon the midst of his beloved companions.
Time and time again, his friends had left him, by their own volition or not. He had a very fudged up social life, to say the least. But, his cleaning tools had never left him.
"Chlorox," he murmured, voice choked with emotion as the authoress decided that some contemporary disinfecting wipes ought to have some place in this historical AU, "don't ever think that I have forgotten you." His voice was rough and gravelly with emotion.
"And you, broom…" his voice trailed off as he caressed the cheap pine wood of the broom's handle. He took in all of it's glory- the nicked pine handle, the hodgepodge of straw and twigs strapped to its end; the fraying rope holding the straw and twigs to the handle and the way the light reflected off of the oiled pine… "I would never forget about you."
He continued to greet each and every one of his 'lovers' with great emotion and each of their utterly generic and uncreative names, unknownst that behind him, there was a figure.
Petra stood, half-covered by the wall, at the end of the hall. She had just barely begun to turn around the corner, as to inquire where her beloved lover was as the Titans were attacking and they were dire straits and desperately needed Humanity's Strongest soldier. Instead, she had an eyeful of her supposedly-faithful man cheating on her with the cleaning supplies.
Well.
Two could play at that game.
(And then the authoress facepalmed at her own ingenuity.)
XXX
"I don't understand!" Petra wailed, sobbing in the most undignified manner. Snot dripped from her nose, tears streaking down her face and dripping into animated puddles at her feet. She had her arms wrapped around the base of one of the freakishly tall trees in the Forest of Death (well, at least as far as her arms could've gone). She pounded on it's base, sobbing into its rough wooden bark and subsequently snorting up a couple ants.
She was also indeed dressed for battle, but had ditched the idea of defending humanity to nurse her utterly shattered, broken, and torn heart whose pain could only match the authoress's after finish certain animes or reading an incredibly emotional fanfic that hit her right in the feels. So by the POWERS OF THE TELEPORTATION Petra found herself plopped conveniently in the middle of the large forest.
"Why- was he- cheating- on me with- the cleaning supplies?" she hiccuped, wiping the snot off her face with her sleeve. The authoress contemplated turning the tree she was hugging into a Deku tree, but that would cause wanton crossovers along with the already-mentioned references to Naruto and so-forth.
The tree replied with:
Nothing. Silence.
Duh. It's a tree. Tree's don't talk.
"Petra…"
A familiar voice called her name. Ooh, hot damn on a stick yes she knew that voice. That voice was just sooooo sexy, it sent all of the Shingeki no Kyojin and Kuroko no Basket fangirls running for their money (well, Petra included too, if she was being honest with herself).
Standing behind her, stood a totally impassive Levi. His face, so youthful (she could almost hear Mighty Guy and Rock Lee screaming "THE POWER OF YOUTH" from the completely separate universe) for his age. Unmarred by weathered aging lines or wrinkles, Levi regarded her with the coolness- if not bordering slightly arctic-cold- he was renowned for.
"Why are you cheating on me with… the not-Deku tree?" (She wondered how he was knowledgeable of a fandom other than theirs.)
Her pent up emotions rose up, fighting to break free. Another sob erupted from her throat as her story was let loose. "GOD, LEVI WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH THE BROOM? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, YOU SELFISH JERK! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME! LIKE THE BROOM'S ROUGH TWIGS AND STRAWS COULD COMPARE TO MOI!"
"WELL, I'VE HEARD YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH THIS SAME TREE BEHIND MY BACK LAST TUESDAY, SO SNAP!" he yelled back, stomping his feet like a petulant child (and yelling like one, too).
Ah, love. It is truly timeless and knows no bounds.
XXXX
a/n: OKAY I LIED MOST OF THIS IS CRACK
OKAY IMMA SLEEP NOW SO PEACE