"Women agonize over cancer;
we take as a personal threat, the lump in every friend's breast."
~ Martha Weinman Lear, Heartsounds
Natalia stopped short when she opened the door to Horatio's office, expecting to see him sitting behind his desk, but instead her eyes were drawn to Ryan, slouching against the back wall with his arms crossed over his chest, Frank standing just to her left inside the door, Valera next to him and Alexx, sitting with her hands clasped in her lap, in one of the two chairs opposite the desk.
"Miss Boa Vista," Horatio greeted, partially standing up as he gestured for her to take the seat just beside Alexx.
"What's going on?" She questioned, noting Ryan's shrug and Alexx' worried expression.
"I have some news that needs to be shared with the whole team."
"Where's Delko and Calleigh, shouldn't they be here?" Frank questioned, chewing on the inside of his cheek and refusing to admit that he was feeling as anxious as Alexx looked. Horatio seemed to take his time in answering the question and Natalia watched him as she dug her fingernails into the wooden armrests, feeling a sense of foreboding grow over her that made it seem like the room was filled with a thick, heavy smoke.
"Actually, this concerns the both of them."
"H," Ryan huffed. "what exactly is this all about?"
Horatio took a deep breath and stood, pressing his palms to the desk and strategically avoiding Alexx' eyes because he knew that if he saw the worry in her almost black orbs, he wouldn't know how to say what needed to be said. "Last week, Miss Duquesne informed me that she has been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer." The room was silent, but for three strangled gasps and the almost palpable sound of five rapidly beating hearts.
"Breast Cancer," Natalia choked out, barely able to form the words without a tear coming to her eye. She turned to Alexx, who hadn't been so reserved in immediately showing her anguish because if the tears streaming down her face were any indication, her heart had just broken into a million tiny shards. So when the moment struck, both women reached out for each other and gripped hands tightly. Natalia didn't know what to do or say, she barely knew how to react but for the sudden emptiness she could feel around her heart.
"Yes," Horatio nodded solemnly. "Eric asked that I inform you all this morning, that she's scheduled for surgery today. He's on his way there right now."
"What? So soon?" Valera gasped, stepping away from the wall with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Frank reached forward, grasping her shoulder, though he didn't utter a word. Not even when she reached up and clasped her hand over his, gripping his fingers as a sort of lifeline. No one had questioned why Eric was the one on his way to sit by her side, sit outside her room and ultimately spend the next few agonising hours, waiting. It was a fact that Horatio was incredibly grateful for, because he didn't know if he had it in him, to explain everything that had transpired over the last few days. Though, as he studied their faces he realised that he needed to hand them credit, the chances of them already having known that Calleigh meant the world to Eric, before he did, weren't as slim as one might think.
"I don't know the exact details. But she is going to need all of your support and understanding through this."
"Of course, Horatio," Alexx scoffed. "she has it. She'll always have it, she," Alexx could no longer contain herself, breaking down into heaving sobs as she ran from her chair, pushing her way between Frank and Valera in order to escape the room as quickly as she could, one hand clasped over her mouth. Natalia moved to follow her, but Ryan's hands pressed to her shoulders and his thumbs gently caressing the back of her neck, stopped her silent.
"Let her go," He whispered, gripping her tighter as though it could ease her pain in any way. Natalia closed her eyes tightly, feeling the weight in the room multiply to the point where she could barely breathe. The room started to spin and her eyes became misty, Horatio ahead of her started to blur, all before she realised that she too, was crying.
"No, Ryan, I have to go." She muttered, grabbing Valera's hand as she ran out of the room, following Alexx. The three men left behind, had nothing left to do but stare at each other in surprise and confusion, each one aching for Calleigh and the three women that were bound to be weeping all the way to, and once they reached, the chilling silence of Autopsy.
"Alexx," Natalia tried tentatively with one hand pressed to the handle of the door and Valera's hand on her back. The Autopsy theatre was silent and cold and dark and as hard as she tried, she couldn't see Alexx through the shadows. "Alexx," She called again, curling her fingers with Valera's as the two women stepped inside, letting the door close behind them with a thud.
"She's going to get through this," A voice from the other end of the theatre, whispered. "she has to."
"Yeah," Valera answered, meeting Natalia's eyes for a moment. "she has to. She's Calleigh."
Life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live.
~George Lancaster Spalding
Calleigh straightened down her hospital gown as she sat up in the bed, waiting. She'd never been so nervous. Her palms were sweating and as she watched the numbers tick over on the clock, she could feel her heart-rate increasing. Her Dad had said he'd be there, Eric had said he'd be there and for the past hour, she'd been sitting alone in her room tossing the blankets on and off because she couldn't decide if she was hot or cold and neither Eric nor her father had arrived.
"Eric!" She cried, as he ducked in the door, smiling at the relief in her eyes. "I thought you weren't going to make it."
"Hey," He moved to sit beside her, lifting her hand up so that he could kiss her knuckles."I wouldn't miss it. You're going to be fine."
"Piece of cake, right." She stated, sucking in a deep breath as he moved closer on the bed and ducked his head to meet her eyes, close enough that she could feel his breath on her cheeks. He reached up, brushing his thumb gently across her brow as she frowned and he nodded.
"Yeah," He whispered. "for you it will be."
Calleigh chuckled sardonically. "You've got too much faith in me, Eric."
"No," He grinned, holding his hands tightly to hers, down in her lap. "no, I think I've got just enough." There was a knock at the door and Eric spun around before she could respond, to find the Doctor standing there, with a folder pressed to his chest as he looked upon them questioningly.
"Eric," She called, stopping him before he could invite the Doctor in.
"What's up?" He whispered, just as low as she had spoken.
"Can I tell you something?"
For several moments, the Doctor stood by the door with a small smile on his lips, watching patients and interns wandering the halls as the Janitor dragged a mop and bucket across from the elevator and the nurses down at the station, passed around a box of Guylian chocolates.
"Of course," Eric kissed her hand again and Calleigh blushed, swallowing away her nervousness.
"I think," She looked down at their hands, running her thumbs over his as she let her voice drop to a barely audible level. "I think I love you." They stared into each others eyes and whilst Calleigh though she saw a new sparkle there, what Eric saw was the same glistening kaleidoscope he'd always seen and he grinned.
"You had better not be saying that, just so I'll be here when you wake up." Eric joked, mock-seriously and after glaring at him for a moment, Calleigh laughed through tears and sniffled to clear her head.
"No," She continued to laugh. "no, I don't think so."
"Good," Eric smirked, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips. "that's better than good. Do you want in on a little secret," He whispered, glancing at the Doctor again before conspiratorially leaning closer to her.
"What's that?"
"I will be here, when you wake up." Jumping up from the bed, Eric dashed across the room and patted the Doctor on the shoulder as he threw Calleigh another smirk and disappeared out the door. Calleigh's mouth hung open as she watched him go, barely even seeing the Doctor as he crossed to the bed, or her father for that matter, as the man came in hidden behind a large vase of white tulips.
"Hey, Lambchop." Her Dad kissed her cheek and Calleigh's heart warmed as he held her hand and sat down in the chair beside her, listening intently as the Doctor explained to her, exactly what they were going to do. She didn't see her father meet Eric's eyes, as he stood slumped against the door-frame with a wistful smile on his lips but she pulled his hand up to her face when he gripped it tighter and pressed it to her cheek, finding herself comforting him as the Doctor explained the surgery and the time involved in removing the tumor from her breast.
A father is always making his baby into a little woman.
And when she is a woman he turns her back again.
~Enid Bagnold
Eric sat with his hand on his knee, watching it bob up and down as his leg shook. He caught Duke's eye a couple of times, staring at him from across the room before he looked away and bit down hard on his bottom lip. It had been nearly forty-five minutes and he could swear he was already losing his mind. "She's going to get through this." Duke stated, catching Eric slightly off-guard. He looked up at him with a determined frown on his face.
"Yes, she will."
Licking his lips, Duke stood up and made his way across the room, hesitantly taking the seat beside him. "I wanted to thank you," He said, resting his hands on his knees and looking across the waiting room at the faded floral wallpaper.
"What for?"
"For being here," He shrugged as Eric looked up at him and he added. "for her, I mean. You know, I've never been so scared in my life. That's my little girl in there," He waved his arm towards the closed doors and Eric caught a glimpse of the pain in his voice. "and she was telling me that it's going to be okay." Eric chuckled, taking a deep breath and nodding his approval of that. If anyone knew Calleigh's affinity for making sure the world around her felt okay, it was the two men sitting side by side in the sterile waiting room, as different as two men can be, sharing a common hope.
"It's a cycle then, I guess." Eric commented and Duke looked up at him, studying his face intently.
"You tell her, she tells me?"
Duke watched from the front porch of the large plantation home he'd managed to keep, due to his inheritance and not the abismal career in law that he'd swallowed down the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. The shutters were in need of repair and as he sat there, listening to their happy footsteps running in and out of the house, he knew that the front door squeeked. But he was hesitant to fix any of it. Still blinking off the last vestiges of his most recent hangover, it was moments like this where he regretted every single mistake. When he'd watch her twirling around the front yard, with her long, curled blond hair whipping around after her, tied up in long pigtails with the delicate pink ribbons that would, no doubt, lay forgotton on the grass by the end of the day. She was beautiful, she was mesmerizing and when he watched her like this, so happy and free, he wished giving it all up for her was as simple as it sounded.
He'd danced with the idea more than once. Looking into her eyes, it was as simple as yes or no. But when she was tucked away in her bed, sleeping peacefully and unaware of the world around her, when he was downstairs, staring down he neck of a bottle of Jack, it wasn't ever as simple as that. When she'd call sleepily down the stairs for her Daddy, he'd internally slap himself for chastising her, after all, she was only a child. She was his baby.
Watching her run and play, it made him feel as though she was invincible. Watching her laugh and joke with the neighbours little boy, he couldn't help but live in the imaginary land where he beleived that she'd be this way forever. "Daddy!" She called, dashing across the yard, knowing instinctually, that in the waking hours the chances of being chastised for her affection were slimmer, but not gone. And he found that he didn't have the energy to hide his displeasure at the hesitance on her perfect little face.
"What's wrong, Lambchop?" He answered, hoping that the endearment would aid in comforting her, if only a little.
"You look sad." She smiled, stepping into the space between his knees and grinning widely when he picked her up and rested her on his lap.
"I'm just thinking, sweetheart."
"About Mamma?"
Five years old, and she had the instincts of a seasoned adult. She was wrong, of course, but he had to give her credit for sewing together the fight he'd had with his wife the night before, her absence that morning and his all but silent demeanor just now. "No, baby," He grinned, letting his current ponderings go in favour of holding her, being with her.
"What then?"
"Just," He lent forward to kiss her nose gently. "you."
"Me?" She giggled. "Daddy, what have I done?"
"You're here, Lambchop, that's enough for your Daddy. Stay like you are now, forever. Can you do that for Daddy?"
Calleigh laughed heartily, that bright smile being the one trait that had first drawn him to her mother and he couldn't help but melt whenever he saw it. Wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, she pulled herself against him, sitting in his lap with her whole little body curled into his as she continued to laugh. "Daddy," She kissed his cheek. "I can't do that. I've got too much to do. And I have to grow up for that."
"And what are these things that you're going to do?" He questioned, not quite sure if he was ready for the answer.
"I don't know, Daddy." She laughed. "Listen," She whispered, leaning her forehead against his and and holding a finger over her lips to silence him. They could hear birds churping in the trees, crickets and the sounds of the roads a mile away, buzzing with the sound of the world, continuing on. "I'm already growing, you can hear it."
Eric nodded. "Yeah, something like that."
"But who tells you?" Duke watched him thoughtfully and Eric looked down at his hands, studying his palms before turning them over and studying his knuckles as if they could distract him from the question.
"No one," Eric spoke softly. "but she has this understanding that I'm always going to be here. I tell her every day. The trick is," He looked up, making an effort to meet the man's eyes. Regardless of the fact that he'd lost respect for him, every single time Calleigh had pulled herself out of their bed in the middle of the night to go and pick her father up. Regardless of every time he'd called her away from a romantic dinner or asked him personally, to drag his sorry ass home so that he didn't have to explain his most recent relapse to her face, he was Calleigh's father and Eric couldn't help the want to reassure him. "I don't let her see that I'm petrified."
TBC