No matter what game Hogan and his men were playing, the opening strategy was critical. In this case, the Krauts had made the first move, but they had squandered their advantage by deploying Schultz.
"You know the hardest part?" remarked Kinch, as he stood outside the barracks with Hogan and LeBeau. "Pretending we can't see him lurking round the corner. It's all I can do not to ask him what the weather's like over there."
"I think he's getting bored," said LeBeau. "Or hungry. With Schultz, there's not much difference, they both lead to food."
"Then let's give him something else to think about." Hogan moved a little closer to the end of the hut, where a visible fold of blue topcoat fabric gave away Schultz's hiding place. "Okay, there's nobody close enough to listen," he said, raising his voice just enough for the eavesdropper to hear every word. "Are we all set for tomorrow night?"
"On schedule, Colonel," replied Kinch. "Carter's just making sure we've got everything we need. If we can pull it off, I reckon it'll be about the biggest blast this place has ever seen."
"And you're sure there's been no breach in security? We don't want the Krauts finding out what we're up to before our mission's been accomplished."
"Don't worry. The Boche don't suspect a thing," said LeBeau. "Someone's in for a real surprise, mon Colonel."
"Yeah, I guess we're all going to get a bang out of it," chuckled Hogan. "Now, whatever happens, don't let Schultz find out. You all know what a big mouth he has, and I don't want the whole enterprise compromised because of..." He broke off abruptly, then advanced a few paces, and peered around the corner. "Hi, Schultz. Looking for something?"
"Who, me? No, I'm just...standing here...admiring the scenery." Schultz gazed at the guard towers with an innocent air which fooled nobody.
"You were listening to our private conversation," said LeBeau, glaring at the guard.
"Not that there was anything to hear," added Hogan quickly. "You didn't hear anything, did you?"
"I hear nothing, nothing."
Kinch and LeBeau exchanged convincingly apprehensive glances, and Hogan rushed into speech again. "Oh, I believe you, Schultz. But if you had heard what we were talking about, I can explain. We were...we were planning a party. Isn't that right, fellas?"
"Sure, that's it, a party."
"Mais oui. A party, what else?"
"A party?" Schultz's forehead puckered. "But Kinchloe said something about a blast. Not that I was listening, of course."
"That? Oh, that's just...uh...that's what we call it, back home, when we have a really great party." Kinch produced the explanation with the air of a man not accustomed to ad-libbing.
"I never heard it called that," muttered Schultz, his frown deepening. "What kind of a party?"
"That's a good question," said Hogan. "And the answer is...it's..." He hesitated for a second, then went on, as if he'd just come up with it: "Newkirk's birthday."
"Yeah. That's right," added Kinch hastily. "Newkirk's birthday."
Schultz peered at him, his jowls tightening. "Nobody told me anything about a party for Newkirk's birthday."
"That's because it's a surprise party," said Hogan.
"Oh, a surprise party. That's very nice," replied Schultz; then after a few seconds. "Does he know about it?"
"Of course not. Why do you think we didn't tell you, Schultz? We were just waiting till the last minute, so you wouldn't let the cat out of the bag."
Schultz acknowledged the justice of this with a heavy shrug. "It's true, I am a terrible blabbermouth. You did the right thing, not to tell me. I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. So, it's tomorrow night, is that right?"
"For someone who hears nothing, Schultz, you sure pick up a lot," remarked Kinch.
"When it comes to war, or to parties," replied Schultz, with a philosophical air, "it pays to be vigilant."
The meditative silence which followed this didn't last long. "I got 'em, Colonel," announced Carter at the top of his voice, as he arrived amongst his pals with all the subtlety, and at least some of the impact, of a poorly aimed mortar shell. "Half a dozen of the most beautiful eggs you ever - oh, hi, Schultz, how's it going?"
Schultz peered at him, instantly suspicious; the switch from wild enthusiasm to nonchalance had been so beautifully overdone. "What are you talking about, Carter?"
"Well, I...well, it...well, I just..." Carter stumbled over his words as he searched for an answer.
"It's like he said, Schultz," broke in Hogan. "He went to get some eggs."
"He did?"
"I did?"
"Sure. Can't make a cake without eggs," said Hogan. "And you can't have a birthday party without a cake."
"A birthday party? Who said anything about a..." Carter ended in a squeak, as LeBeau elbowed him in the ribs.
"It's okay, Carter," Kinch put in. "We already told Schultz about the surprise birthday party we're throwing tomorrow. You know. For Newkirk's birthday."
"But it isn't..." Carter began, before another dig from LeBeau brought him up short. Schultz stared at him, his features contracting into the anxious frown which, in his case, usually indicated either suspicion or indigestion.
"Well, it's been nice talking to you, Schultz," said Hogan, after a few seconds of embarrassed silence. "But we've still got a lot of preparations to make for tomorrow night. You know, for the party. Now, remember, not a word to anyone. We want it to be a surprise."
"Oh, ja, ja," mumbled Schultz, and he watched with an air of bemusement as Hogan and his men went back into the barracks.
"That should get the ball rolling," remarked Kinch, as soon as the door was closed.
Hogan grinned. "Let's make sure of it. Newkirk, you know what to do. Go out the back window, so he doesn't see you coming out of the barracks."
"On my way, sir," replied Newkirk cheerfully, and went, while Hogan and the others retired to the office, where they could listen to the conversation.
"Morning, Schultzie. How's the war treating you, then? Listen, you haven't seen Colonel Hogan around anywhere, have you?"
"He went into the barracks."
"Did he? Well, I'd better go and look for him there."
"No, no, Newkirk. You can't go in there."
"Why not? There's no rule saying a man can't go into his own barracks, is there?...Come on, Schultz, get that enormous Germanic backside out of the way, and let me past."
"No, please, Newkirk, I cannot let you go into the barracks. They are all in there, making the arrangements for tomorrow night."
"Come off it, Schultz. They can't make any arrangements if I'm not there, so...Hang about, how do you know about tomorrow night?"
"How do you know about tomorrow night?"
"Well, how would it look if I didn't know? I'm supposed to know. But you...have you been spying on us again?"
"Me? Spying? Oh, that's a terrible thing to say, Newkirk. No, Colonel Hogan told me all about it."
"Oh, he did, did he? I didn't come down in the last shower, you know."
"No, it's true. He just told me all about the birthday party."
"Look, Schultz, if there's one thing I know, it's that Colonel Hogan wouldn't tell you...what birthday party?"
"The surprise birthday party they are throwing for you tomorrow night. You didn't know about it? Oh, I spoiled the surprise. Now they won't invite me to the party."
There was a momentary pause, before Newkirk answered, a little too effusively. "Never mind, Schultzie, it was an accident. Tell you what, I'll pretend like I don't know nothing about it. That way, Colonel Hogan need never find out you let it slip."
"Oh, thank you, Newkirk. You're such a nice person, I wish all our enemies were like you."
Newkirk chuckled. "Give 'em a chance, Schultz, they might surprise you. Well, I can't stand here chatting all day. Cheerio, Schultzie."
"Wiedersehen...Wait a minute. If you didn't know about the birthday party, then what was it you thought was going to happen tomorrow night?"
"Tomorrow night?" Newkirk's voice found a new upper register, as he fumbled for a response. "Oh...ah...well...nothing, Schultz. Nothing at all. Why would there be anything else going on, when we're having a party? Oops, is that the time? Must dash."
A minute later he arrived in the office. "You should have seen the look on his face," he chortled. "Like someone not only pulled the rug out from under him, but took the whole bleedin' floor while they were at it. As soon as I left him, he scarpered for Klink's office as fast as he could go."
"Looks like he got the idea," said Hogan. "Let's listen in."
"I was starting to think we'd been a bit too obvious," remarked Kinch, as he plugged in the coffee pot, and placed the receiver on the desk.
LeBeau gave a scornful laugh. "With Schultz, you can never be too obvious."
"Herr Kommandant, request permission to come in." Schultz's voice came through the speaker.
"Yes, come in, Schultz," said Klink. "Anything to report? I saw you talking to the prisoners. Did you find out anything about an escape plan?"
"Nein, Herr Kommandant."
"Anything about the escaped prisoners from the other Stalags?"
"Nein, Herr Kommandant."
"Anything suspicious at all?"
"Nein, Herr Kommandant."
Hogan sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Never mind being too obvious. Looks like we weren't obvious enough."
"Well, if you've got no information, why are you here?" Klink's rising impatience sent a crackle through the speaker.
"Please, Herr Kommandant, I only wanted to ask if I can have tomorrow evening off, to go to the party."
"Party? What party?"
"The surprise party for Newkirk's birthday."
"Colonel Hogan hasn't requested permission for a party."
"No, because it is mean to be a surprise, Herr Kommandant. Apparently it will be the biggest blast this place has ever..."
"What did you say? A blast? They're planning an explosion?"
"No, no, Herr Kommandant. A blast is what the Americans call it, back home, when they have a really great party."
"I've never heard it called that. Are you sure that's what they meant, Schultz? Tell me everything they said."
Schultz cleared his throat. "Let me think. They talked about being on schedule, and Colonel Hogan didn't want the Krauts to find out - that's us, Herr Kommandant..."
"I know, I know."
"And they said something about getting a real bang out of it. And then they found out I was listening, and they explained about the party. And then Carter turned up and said he had got hold of some eggs..."
"Eggs?"
"Ja, for the cake. But he didn't seem to know that was what they were for. Between you and me, Herr Kommandant, I sometimes think Carter is not very bright. And then..."
"Just a minute, Schultz. If Carter didn't know about the cake, what did he think the eggs were for?"
"I don't know, Herr Kommandant."
The listeners heard the squeak of Klink's chair as he stood up, and then his footsteps, pacing back and forth. "Maybe they weren't eggs at all. Maybe they were...Donnerwetter! Hand grenades!"
"Finally!" said Hogan, with an air of satisfaction. "Another couple of minutes, and I'd have gone over there and told Klink myself."
Note: The German model 39 hand grenade was introduced in 1939. It was informally known as Eihandgranate ("egg hand grenade")