Whoot! I'm back peoplessss! :)
I'm hoping this will be worth your while since I got positive feedback.
Anyway, on with the story:)
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SpunkyPeanut
BPOV
Friday was fast approaching… especially since today was Thursday and I had argued with Rose all week (aka: yesterday and today) about who was dressing me for dinner with them. I voted me, she voted herself. Emmett, the bastard that he was, remained neutral.
"Thank you. Hope you have a lovely day and come again soon!" Rose called to the customer with a smile as they walked away from the cash register and out the door.
And then, she rounded on me again.
"Bella, really! Is it too much to ask for? My brother and his potential fiancé and her brother are going to be meeting us for dinner tomorrow night. Please let me dress you up for the occasion!" She complained.
"Well, what's the occasion? Formal or casual?" I replied as I shelved more books.
You know it's not that easy, dummy. Flo said. She'd been nicer on the name calling lately since the whole "get drunk and fuck *place random hot guy's name here* and not remember it the next morning" thing. I'll admit it was a nice change.
Shut up. You're going to make me feel bad! She mentally screamed at me.
Great. Now I've hurt her feelings.
"I'm not telling you! Which means," she paused dramatically, not even noticing my internal conversation with Flo, "I have to dress you and make you pretty."
"Thanks, bitch. Am I not pretty enough?" I replied sarcastically.
"No. You're perfect. You just don't know how to make the world see that sexy body of yours." Rose giggled.
I've thought it once; I thought it a million times: this bitch is crazy.
Again, agreed. Flo said as we both mentally shuddered.
I sighed. "No, Rose, I will not let you dress me. I'm not a fucking Barbie doll for you to dress and undress as you please!" I said back exasperatedly… right as a person walked in the store.
They took one look at me (and gave me the weirdest "what a dumbass" look ever) and steered clear of my small corner with the romance novels. Yeah, well fuck you, too, Random Strange Woman. I hope you grow old with saggy boobs and 80 cats that secretly plot their revenge against you.
Wow. Someone's a little bitchy today.
Shut up, Flo! I'm not in the mood!
Finally, Rose was distracted and I took the time to go outside and take a walk down the street. I swear, the woman was going to drive me to smoking, I was that stressed out by her. I'd end up being like a nervous chain smoker on an airplane that has frost on its wings. I'd have one cigarette in my mouth, one in one hand, one in an ash tray, and lighting another while everyone looked at me weird. I had that thought right as I passed a liquor store. Temptation was mighty and I couldn't pass it up.
Bella! What would Rose say? Flo chastised me.
She'd probably want to do it with me. I replied back.
No she wouldn't! She hates smoking! Flo argued.
So, I'll buy her some vodka and she'll get over it…. Not a bad idea actually.
"Can I help you?" a voice asked.
"Yeah… I'm looking for vodka and cigarettes." I replied lamely.
"We've got every kind of each." The man laughed.
"Vanilla vodka and just a pack of Djarum lights." I said, knowing Jasper would want to smoke the rest of them later.
You're a dumbass. Flo said to me.
Not now! I'm doing business… and helping Jasper out. I replied as I grabbed a small pack of matches… also for Jasper later.
The man got both for me and then rang up my total…. Luckily, I'd remembered to bring my money with me so I didn't have to embarrass myself. As I left, I pulled one of the cloves out of the pack and lit it. It felt weird smoking… which is probably why I only ever did it with Jasper. But, it was relaxing. Before I'd ever smoked, I didn't get why people said it calmed their nerves – and then, suddenly, I did.
It was kind of a funny story how that happened. I was in high school and I'd been having a bad day. I'd failed a Physics test and a math test and I'd forgotten my five page hand-written essay about – well I can't remember that now – at home because I'd overslept that morning, making myself late to school. Plus, Rose was mad at me because she thought I had a thing for Emmett and Jasper (apparently, I was after both of her men at that time – of course, I didn't, though) and I didn't know what to do. Obviously, I couldn't go to her for help. And I was afraid to go to Emmett for fear it would make things worse between us. Jasper was really my only option. I went to his workplace after school, Forks Diner (stupid name, I know), and caught him on one of his breaks. He took me outside with two steaming cups of coffee and cloves for us both. While I ranted about my problems, I drank the coffee burning my tongue, adding insult to injury.
"Bella, seriously, you've got to lighten up." He'd said and then handed me his lit clove that was already almost half-smoked. "Rose, is a bitch. Trust me, I know; I have to live with the Ice Queen." Then, he laughed at his own little joke.
I coughed a lot after taking too long of a drag off of it. And again, he laughed… this time at me. "Bella, I love you a lot. But, if it helps, I know you don't have the hots for me. Or Emmett; I think you're too smart to go after that piece of shit." That was his term of endearment for Emmett back then.
It was hard to feel uncomfortable around Jasper. He was just laid back and easy going that no one could feel weird around him. But, then again I'd known him almost as long as I'd known Rose so, yeah. Even when I'd walked in on him masturbating in the bathroom to one of his dad's Playboys when we were fourteen, I didn't find it awkward. Well, I blushed a lot around him for a long time after that, but when he talked it still wasn't that bad. It was something we continually laughed about now. Although, no one knew about it but us, which made it funnier.
"Yeah, I couldn't love you." I teased bumping his upper arm with my shoulder. "Your dick is too small anyway."
"It's been three years, Bells. I've changed." He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively and smirked.
"Am I really supposed to believe that?" I snorted as I dropped the clove and stepped on it to put it out.
"Yes. It's quite obvious to me."
"Maybe that means you need to find a girl to fuck instead of your right hand:" I laughed. And after that, I felt better about everything. He didn't even have to give me some awesome piece of advice to make everything good again; he just had to listen and make jokes in that easy-going way of his.
I shook my head and laughed a little at the memory. After that Rose, of course, realized how stupid she was being, and even admitted that she thought Jasper and I would be great together. We tried out a relationship in our senior year… yeah, that was a laugh. He was amazing when it came to having sex – although I had nothing to compare it to at the time – and amazing at just about everything else, but it just didn't work between us. I hope Alice doesn't hold that against me and hate me right off.
As I walked into the bookstore, Rose was setting up for lunch.
"It's about time you got back here, you little whore. Where've you been?" she said without even looking in my direction.
"How did you know it was me?" I replied.
I will never in a million years know how she does that. Jasper seemed to be able to do it, too. Maybe it was a weird Hale thing.
No, they just know when Bella Swan trips through their door. Anyone can do it, really. Flo said logically.
Whatever, Flo. Go away.
"Please, everyone knows when you walk in. Something usually breaks or there's a sound of stumbling feet." Rose snorted as she turned to face me.
Told you, fuck face! I swear, one of these days I need to see a therapist to get rid of Flo. Or maybe what I really need is a priest. Maybe Flo is just some demon in my mind set out on a magical journey by the devil to make my life a living hell and turn me to the dark side.
Stupid bitch! I'm not a fucking demon here to possess you; I'm your goddamn conscience. Have some fucking respect! Great. Now, I've effectively single-mindedly pissed her off. Now, I'd have to listen to her bitch all day about it. Fuck you, great and wonderful non-private thoughts, you've really gotten me into some deep shit with the all powerful conscience named Flo.
Cut the crap, Bella Swan. I know you're not really sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry; sorry that I'll have to listen to grip at me all day like a fucking old lady getting her blue hair cut.
Fuck you. And she was gone. Just like that…. Maybe my day was looking up after all.
"Hello? Earth to Bella! Anyone alive in there?" Rose was waving her hand in front of my face now looking angry.
"What?" I asked confused.
"You just fucking checked out of life there for a second. Are you okay? I asked you a question." She replied.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking."
"Okay, that's great. Now, what's in the bag?" she asked looking pointedly at the brown paper bag in my hands.
"A special present for you and Jasper." I replied, pulling out the bottle of vodka. "Merry fucking Christmas." I said.
She got this glazed look in her eyes as she gazed at the bottle of clear liquid, as if she were already drunk. She suddenly grabbed the bottle and ran to get a cup.
"Get me one, too, bitch! I didn't get that just for you, you know!" I called as I pulled out the pack of cigarettes and matches. I walked outside with them in hand.
I pulled a sleek cigarette out of the pack and lit it carefully. Knowing me, if I wasn't careful, I'd set myself on fire and make the six o'clock news. I could see it now: "This just in: a young girl was standing outside a bookstore lighting a cigarette when she caught herself on fire! What a fucking dumbass!" Yeah. Screw you, stupid news person. I'm careful. I won't set myself on fire. The smoke calmed me as I inhaled it and blew it out.
Now, back to the issue at hand. Flo, I need some ideas. How can I stop Rose from killing me while picking out my clothing for dinner?
Oh, so you actually want my help? After what you said to me, I don't think I should. Does she have to be that sarcastic? Yes. It makes me feel better.
What if I said sorry… and meant it? Would that help get you back on my side? You are in my mind, after all. Why would you want me to go through such torture twice in one week?
Well, for one, you needed it earlier. And I don't think I should forgive you so easily. I'm sure Jasper would love to see you come to dinner dressed as a cleaner cut, darker haired and shorter version of his twin sister. Again, sarcasm.
What the fuck, Flo? Just please help me. I promise not to be mean to you again… this month. I mentally pouted at her. I bet if anyone could read my mind right now, they'd have me committed to an insane asylum. Outwardly, I suppose I looked normal. Smoking a cigarette and leaning casually against the store window.
Flo sighed. Fine, damn it. I'll help you. Although, I'll point out that I'm just being nice. Personally, I think you deserve Rose's torture because of what you said to me.
I'm sorry.
She sighed again; this time exasperated. Bella, have you thought of calling Jasper and finding out what sort of event this is?
Oh! That's a wonderful idea, Flo! Why didn't I think of that one myself? Damn, I really am a fucking dumbass.
I know. That's why I'm here. Otherwise, your brain would get lonely without the all-mighty Flo here to help you. I'm like your own special Squip. She smiled at me.
Thank you. I said to her smiling back internally as I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dropping the cigarette in the same instant. I stomped it out absentmindedly as I dialed his number.
"Hello?" his voice said on the other line.
"Hey, Jazz!" I said happily.
"Bella Swan, to what do I owe this pleasure of you calling me while you should be working your ass off for my sister?" he laughed.
"I bought her a drink and stepped outside to call you and ask what sort of occasion our dinner is tomorrow night." I said back.
"Ah, I get it. She wants to dress you up and deliberately left out the small details, didn't she." It wasn't a question.
"Yep."
"Well, it's casual. Just wear what you normally wear…. Scratch that. Dress up in a pair of nice jeans and a nice t-shirt. Alice might go crazy and burst." He laughed again.
"Okay, so to avoid the catastrophe of your girlfriend exploding, I'll make sure I wear something casual, but nice and I'll kill your sister if she gets anywhere near me with mascara and eyeliner. If you don't see a girl that looks just like you tonight… feel free to make arrangements for a funeral."
"I'll smile while I do it." I couldn't see him, but I knew he was smiling. That was Jasper for you. He didn't care whether you talked about planning his sister's death… that is, if you were one of the right people. I'd been one of the right people since we were kids. Actually, the first time Rose's death was planned was when we were seven. Jasper and I had decided that we were gonna tie her up with rope, duct tape her mouth and leave her outside for hungry tigers…. The only bad thing about that was A: there are no wild tigers in Washington (at least, not as far as I know) and B: her and Jasper's parents came home just as we were about to do it, forcing our evil plan to be diminished. Jasper and I were quite angry about that. We tried a poisonous apple after that…. All we really did was put pepper on it and forgot which one we'd put it on and Jasper ended up eating it. That was not pleasant.
"All right. I promise no apples this time. I'll use the damn mascara if I have to." I muttered mostly to myself.
His laugh was even louder this time and I had to hold the phone away from my ear as he sputtered out "What the fuck would you do? Choke her with the brush?"
"That's actually a good idea!" I said brightening. "I'm glad we had this talk, Jazz. I'll see you tomorrow night, doll face."
"I love you, Bella." He sighed.
"Love you, too, Jazz." I smiled as we hung up and I put my phone away as I walked back inside.
Rosalie looked at me suspiciously as I walked back in with the cheesiest fucking smile I could manage – all to piss the blonde bitch off more. Oh, life is so sweet.
Until, the blonde bitch decides to dish out her torture on you for not giving in to her. Thanks, Flo. Ruin the moment.
"What's with that smile? You look like you just got fucked outside my store." She said as she took a bite of her sandwich.
"Jasper loves me." I said simply as I sat down next to her and taking the bottle of vodka to pour myself a drink.
She froze. "He what?"
"Yeah. I just talked to him while I was outside." I said as nonchalantly as possible, trying not to look – or sound – smug.
"Really?" Her eyes narrowed at me. "And how did that conversation go?"
"Wonderful. We talked about you," – and how you're going to die, I added mentally – "and dinner tomorrow night…. Oh, and he also admitted that wanted to fuck my brains out and we're going to strangely disappear in the middle of dinner to hump like bunnies in the bathroom."
"WHAT!" She shrieked as she almost choked on her food. "How dare you!"
Good job, stupid. You've pushed her too far on the Jasper subject. We're going to die now. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Flo. I always knew I could count on you.
"Jesus Christ, Bella. You ruined everything! Now, I can't dress you up." She looked as if she couldn't decide whether to fume or pout. "Fuck, I'm going to kill my brother slowly and painfully and laugh at his funeral."
"Funny, out of all that I said, all you heard were the words 'dinner" and 'what to wear'. Did you even notice what I said about humping like bunnies?" I replied, ignoring the pissy look she was now giving me.
"I heard, and I know that it's a lie because you two passed that stage a long time ago. Besides, I know neither of you are going to fuck in the bathroom. That's already happened, hasn't it?"
I blushed. Yes, talking about having sex with Jasper with his twin sister who happened to be my best friend makes me blush. Maybe it's not so much sex and Jasper, but I think it was that one time in the bathroom at a Steak n' Shake with him. I'm still embarrassed by it.
"Yeah, that's what I thought." She said as she finished off the sandwich. "And just so you know… I will avenge your dead style. Prepare to die, you fucking bitch." She smirked menacingly.
Oh, fuck me in the ass with a spatula. Flo said as my eyes widened and I gulped.
I agree, Flo. That sounds much less painful.
"If you're famous, you're hot
Always something you're not
So, keep on fucking
But you'll never reach the top
If you're famous, you're hot
Thank God for Photoshop
So, keep on fucking
But, you'll never reach the top."
Fuck. Jeffree Star's blasting on the radio. Time for dinner. Rose is here. And sure enough there was the sound of two sharp honks from her car. As if I couldn't already hear her music blaring.
What is it with Jeffree fucking Star? He's a faggot with pink sharpie eyebrows. He can't even sing. Flo grouched.
Shut the fuck up, Flo. Jeffree Star is the shit. Who cares if he's gay? He's awesome, bitch.
"Could you play Jeffree any louder?" I yelled at Rose as soon as I was in her car buckling my seat belt.
"I could, but do you really want me to?" she yelled back as she reached for the volume button.
"I think I'm good for now!"
"WHAT? I can't fucking hear what you're saying, Bella! Talk louder!" Emmett yelled from the backseat.
"I said, hi, Emmett. How are you?" If my voice got any louder western China would be able to hear me.
"OH! Hi, Bella! What do you mean 'why buy food'?" He boomed back looking confused.
"I didn't say anything about food, damn it! I said HOW ARE YOU?"
"OH! I'm great. Can't hear. Jeffree Star is the shit, though."
Yeah, the shit that needs to be turned off. Flo growled.
Shut the hell up, Flo.
We sat in silence… well except for the pink haired god/goddess singing to us about being a beauty killer. He'd make a wonderful plastic surgeon, I think.
La la la la la LA! Flo was singing off key and obnoxiously to drown out the sounds of him.
I sighed and reached for the volume button. It went from loud and crazy to silent and ringing in less than a second. Boy, after being in the car with Rose one can certainly hear the bells…. They probably won't go away until tomorrow morning.
"Stupid bitch, messing with my radio." She muttered under her breath. At least, I think that's what it was.
"Hey. Hey, Rose! There's the restaurant. I can see his little blond curly head from here!" Emmett said excitedly bouncing in his seat.
"I see, Emmett." She replied in a voice that sounded like it should be used for a little kid.
"Hurry up! I have to go attack him!" he jumped out of the car just as she was pulling into a parking space. "JAZZY-POO!" He yelled running over to him and nearly tackling him to the ground.
"Hello, Emmett. Get the fuck off me." Jasper muttered.
I rolled my eyes at Emmett's antics as he pouted on Jasper's car. "Hello, Jasper."
"What? No wonderful pet name for me?" he laughed as he hugged me tightly.
"Oh, well, I figured Emmett beat me to it." I replied. At his expression, I relented. "Okay, come here, my little cocksucker." He flipped me off as Emmett and Rose laughed wildly.
There was a high-pitched giggling from behind me and I turned just in time to see a tiny girl walking over to our little reunion. She immediately went to Jasper and wrapped her arms around his waist as his wrapped around her. With her little body and dark hair and eyes brighter than sunshine, I knew she must be Alice. Just looking at her I knew she was perfect for Jasper; she'd be the yin to his yang, the penis to his vagina – Other way around, dumbass. Yes, right. The vagina to his penis. Right? Yes. And to his lack of movement for periods of time, she's the graceful dancer in the room standing next to him.
Poetic, I know. Ha. Ha.
"Hi! YoumustbeBella! I'mAlicejustincaseyoudidn'tknowiknowwehaven'tmetbefore,butyou'reawesome!" the little pixie girl said.
What? Flo said and if she had a face, she'd have this confused look that clearly said "I have no idea what you're talking about, but you're a dumb fuck anyway".
Jasper noticed the look on my face and laughed. "Bella, I know the girl never breathes, but it's okay to ask her to repeat herself. She doesn't bite… at least not in a public setting." Cue smirk.
"Shut up!" Alice giggled as she elbowed him in the side.
"Um, hi, Alice. Pleased to meet you." I said finally recovering and holding out my hand for her to shake.
She ignored my hand and hugged me so tight that it was a hug that could rival Emmett's. "Oh, I know all about you, Bella Swan." She giggled. "Jasper has told me all about your wild side."
My face paled as my eyes widened and then narrowed at Jasper. He just shrugged and tried to contain his laughter. Stupid blond asshole. I was totally going to key his car later.
"He did, did he." I said although it was phrased like a question, it really wasn't.
"Of course. He's told me all about his best friends… and uh, past lovers." She whispered at the end.
"Jasper!" I yelled, outraged. Alice giggled at me, while again Jasper just shrugged at me.
"Come on, Alice. I'm getting bored in here saving a whole damn table! How long does it take to meet three people?" a male voice asked. "I'm starting to get those creepy looks from all the employees and this one MILF-type woman keeps giving me these looks like she wants to eat me for dinner and again before breakfast!" And then he was standing right next to me and Alice.
Oh. My. Gawd.
Holy shit wheels! Flo said, apparently agreeing with me.
Edward. Edward was Alice's brother – ahem – single brother. My eyes widened as I took in his sexy body and was abruptly having a flashback of seeing him naked in his bedroom earlier this week. I tried not to blush when he looked at me with a sexy smile on his face.
"Well, hello there." He said, holding his hand out for me to shake. "I believe it has been a while since we last spoke." I shook his hand and he stooped to kiss my knuckled lightly.
I suppressed a shiver.
"You know Bella?" Jasper asked confused.
"Yes, we met earlier this week. We were both needing some relaxation and found it together." He smirked as his eyes cut to mine. I caught the deeper meaning to that, but I had no idea if Alice and Jasper did.
"Oh, no way, Bella!" Rose said, stunned. "Edward was the guy? Holy shit."
Emmett laughed. "Was I the only one that actually knew who he was at the time?"
"Yes." Rose and I said together causing Emmett and Edward to laugh harder.
"Jeez, Rose, why did you think I wanted to leave early, just the two of us?" Em said as if it should've been obvious. "If I had thought Bella wasn't in good hands, we would've stayed."
"Yeah, well, I was too drunk to really pay attention to anything at that point." Rose muttered in return.
Jasper cleared his throat then. "Well, come on, then. Let's go eat. I'm starving." He ushered us all inside.
Dinner was lovely indeed. Mostly we sat around talking about our pasts with Jasper to embarrass him. Sometimes it worked, and others it just embarrassed me. Emmett forced me to sit between him and Edward because apparently if I'm surrounded by "hot guys" it makes other guys look away and pretend not to notice me. Weirdo. Like any guy is really going to notice me.
You need to work on your self-esteem. This simply will not do. I thought after Edward, you'd be all good to go. Flo chastised in the middle of dinner as I ate my fillet and mushrooms.
After dinner, when everyone was locked in their own private conversations, Edward leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, "I told you we would meet again, Bella." It was pretty much all he'd said to me since we'd come inside.
"Yes, you were right…. I suppose this means I have to give your clothes back now." I said with a small bold smile.
Thank you, Bella! It's about damn time you started flirting with men! I was beginning to think your skinny ass couldn't do it anymore.
Shut up, Flo!
"Yes, I suppose so. But, you see, there's this problem I have. This really pretty girl left her dress at my house and I have no way to give it back because I don't know where she lives." He said. "Do you think you could help me with that, Bella?"
"Oh, of course. I'm sure she wants that dress back, too. It was pretty, but it needs to be returned to its owner over there with the blond hair." I grinned pointing.
"Jasper?" he asked with a fake look of confusion.
"Yes, he always did have good legs for tiny dresses." I giggled.
He snorted. "That's just… disgusting. Now, I'm going have dreams about Jasper being a drag queen."
At this I laughed out loud. I'd never thought of that, but picturing him in a Jeffree Star persona was really hilarious. And I said so.
He laughed louder as well causing everyone at the table to look at us perplexed.
"What's so funny?" Emmett asked finally decided he wanted in on the joke.
I smirked at Edward, then leaned into Emmett and whispered "Jasper in drag" in his ear. His booming laugh filled the room while Edward and I continued to chuckle quietly. The others were still looking at us funny.
That was pretty much the second biggest moment of the night.
"Hey! I almost forgot!" Jasper said out of nowhere as we were walking out to the parking lot. We looked at him expectantly. "I told mom and dad we'd meet them down at the karaoke bar downtown." He almost looked ashamed at forgetting… or maybe he had that look because everyone but Edward and Alice knew what kind of trouble we could get in with Carlisle and Esme at a karaoke bar.
"Fucking sweet! I can't wait for your dad to get up on stage and rap again. That was classic." Emmett hollered ecstatically.
"Oh, god. That was so embarrassing." Rose groaned.
"So, we all up for it?" Jasper said.
"Of course!" we all agreed.
"I got dibs on riding shot gun with Jasper and Alice!" Emmett yelled jumping on top of Jasper's car. Fucking idiot. I'm glad that my luck isn't bad enough that I had to call him my brother. People might pity me.
Rose, Edward, and I climbed in her car and drove to the infamous karaoke bar.
"Remember, Bella," Rose started. "Don't drink so much this time. We don't want a repeat performance of last time." I blushed.
"What happened last time?" Edward asked curiously from the back seat.
"Our little Bella here, drank herself into confidence and got up on stage with my shit faced father and they sang "I Got You, Babe" where in the middle of the song, Bella decided to start grinding on him and fell completely off the stage." She shuddered at the memory, no doubt. I was suppressing my own.
Ahh, good times. Flo sighed.
No. Not good times, Flo! That was the most embarrassing thing ever!
Was not!
Was too!
Was not!
Oh, forget it! Arguing with you is like arguing with a fucking rock.
"I'm still surprised Esme didn't kill me for that. But, oh, no! What did she do? She yelled for me to teach her that sometime minus the falling part." I groaned. "You know, sometimes, I really hate your parents, Rose."
"Yeah, well, finding out that my father was turned on by my best friend's dancing and that my mother wanted to learn how to do that from said best friend doesn't exactly make any of you my favorite people." She said bitterly.
Edward laughed at us. "Wow. I think I'm gonna stay away from the alcohol tonight. The bartenders might be putting something in the drinks."
"And what makes it worse is that Jasper got the whole thing on video!" I exclaimed still caught up in the flashback. And no, this time I'm not even gonna share it with you because it is just so wrong and horrible…. And also, it makes me look like a clumsy, drunken, practically-incestual (is that a word?), slut.
But, Bella, it's so much funny to watch! People have gotta have a visual on it! Flo whined.
Shut up, Flo! You're supposed to be advising me to not do things like this and you're fucking encouraging me!
"Is there any way I might be able to see that video?" Edward asked curiously.
We looked at him in shock. "What?!" Rose screeched just as I yelled "Hell no!"
"Relax, relax. I was just kidding." He said throwing his hands up surrendering.
He's lying. He totally wanted to see it. Flo said smugly.
Again, shut up! For a conscience or whatever the hell you are, you really suck. I said back to her as I stared out the front window in dread.
There's no telling what will happen tonight. And most likely it'll involve songs by the Beatles, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and a hell of a lot of alcohol. I was completely fucked… especially if Carlisle and Esme were there. They always were weird parents to let Jasper and Rose get me into so much crap.
"Oh, look, old man! Your mistress is here!" Emmett said to Carlisle as I got out of the car at the karaoke bar. Of course, Emmett would be the one to not let us forget that night.
"Shut the fuck up, dumbass!" Carlisle and I said at the same time, glaring at Emmett.
"Hello, Bella." Esme said as she hugged me. "I'm still expecting you to show me those moves, I hope you know." She added as she sent a lustful look over at her husband. Ick. Gross!
"Well, shall we." Jasper said clearing his throat and purposely avoiding looking at his parents.
As we walked in and grabbed the booth closest to the stage, a girl was dancing on stage and singing "If You Seek Amy" by Britney Spears which sounded so wrong on so many levels. The girl sang it worse than Britney herself did! And that was saying something.
Damn, Bella. You should get up there and show the girl up. Flo said. She's making my ears bleed. And I haven't got any ears! I tried not to giggle out loud to Flo's comment, lest they'll all think I'm crazy.
As Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper came to us with the first round of drinks, Carlisle said "Okay, bets on who goes first!"
Rose slapped down ten straws she always carried with her on occasions like this. "Alright, same as last time. Person who gets the shortest straw goes first and so on with the sizes. The person after them picks the song they sing and whoever gets the shortest straw picks the longest straws song." She explained for Edward and Alice who had never done this with us before. "Since this is Edward and Alice's first time, they are exempt from going first." She smirked. "Just thought I'd throw that in there for my lovely family."
Emmett was the first to pick, followed by Esme and Jasper. Everyone was intense as they picked their straws. Rose picked from one of the three last straws and put the others back in her purse.
"Fuck." Jasper muttered as he realized his straw was just longer than Alice's which meant he'd go first and she'd go after him. "I demand more alcohol before I go up there." He said loudly so that we'd all hear.
We all compared sizes as Jasper went to the bar with Alice and ordered more rounds of shots. This was going to be fun. The line up was Jasper, Alice, Esme, Emmett, Edward, me, Carlisle, and Rose. Lucky bitch. But, I bet in the end, she'd be the unluckiest since her brother was picking her song.
"So, how do we go about this?" Edward asked me as we all drank our second round.
"Well, Alice will pick Jasper's song and he has to sing it no matter what. If you refuse you are thrown up on stage naked for all the unsuspecting citizens to see your goodies." I said only partly joking.
His eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yes. And don't worry. I'll go easy on you this time since it's your first time and all. But, after we all go once, we can as many times after that until everyone wants to leave." I explained.
Ten minutes later, Jasper was finally ready to go on stage. The song of Alice's choice: Dude (Looks Like A Lady) by Aerosmith. Not bad to start off with. Maybe she was going easy on him… or she really didn't understand the point of the game.
Right off the bat I was laughing. He did a horrible Steven Tyler impression.
"Baby let me follow you down
Let me take a peek dear
Baby let me follow you down
Do me, do me, do me all night
Baby let me follow you down
Turn the other cheek dear
Do me, do me, do me, do me"
He kept trying to dance which was very bad since he was doing it horribly. But, the plus side was everybody loved it. Esme and I were falling over each other laughing at the crazy movements and vocals of her son.
"Are you happy, people?" Jasper muttered at us as he sat back down at the table. "And that was only on four shots!"
"Alice," Esme started, "You have to sing… Scotty Doesn't Know." She smirked. "I would've given this one to Emmett, but I got you instead."
Oh, great. Poor Alice. She had to sing from the point of view of a man whore.
"Great!" Alice said hopping up to set the song that she was going to sing. She waited patiently on the stage smiling out at the crowd. "Hi! I'm Alice!" she said happily waving at everyone. "I'm going to sing a wonderful song for you all."
Everyone at our table was laughing quietly as the opening chords of "Scotty Doesn't Know" started and suddenly Alice was a rock star taking control of the crowd with her dancing and the filthy lyrics of Lustra.
"Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me
Do it in my van every Sunday
She tells him she's in church but she doesn't go
Still she's on her knees and Scotty doesn't know!"
She continued bouncing around and playing air guitar while simulating sex with the microphone stand. The crowd was completely silent except for us.
"Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty doesn't know,
Scotty's gotta go!"
She finished and the crowd cheered her on. She waved at them again and said "I hope you guys enjoyed that!" then she walked back over to the table as we clapped at her and wolf-whistled.
"My turn!" Esme said excitedly as she downed another shot and Emmett smirked at her.
"Are you ready?" Emmett asked her.
"Of course. I'm ready for anything you throw at me, little boy!" she jeered.
He leaned over to her and whispered something in his ear and she smirked. "You got it, little boy."
"Try not to break a hip, old woman!" he called after her.
She set the song and waited as the person before her on stage finished a horrible version of "Eye of the Tiger"
"Ohhhhh!" Oh, god. I thought. Emmett would not make Esme sing that song.
The song had started. Here comes the lyrics.... And then… Esme sang.
"Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games."
Oh, I'm thinking he just did make her sing that song. Gotta love the pluck in the woman. She's very brave. Flo commented.
Emmett, Jasper, Rose, Alice, and Edward were laughing at Esme's dancing and the way her voice got a low and seductive as she sang. She was even thrusting her hips in time to the beat. Yep, Flo was right; gotta love Esme's gallons and gallons of pluck. I looked over at Carlisle and his eyes were glazed over. Apparently, I didn't need to teach Esme anything at all.
All the men in the bar cheered and whistled and cat-called after as she walked off the stage and engaged in a steamy make-out session with Carlisle. I swear, they were just like newlyweds. It was really gross. And I wasn't the only that thought that.
"Come on, Dad! Get off of her so we can sing." Jasper called.
"Yeah, old man! Keep your dick in your pants and give to Esme in a box!" Emmett cackled thinking his Lonely Island pun was hilarious…. It really wasn't.
Edward leaned over to me. "I don't know what song Emmett should sing." He seemed a little desperate.
I thought for a minute and had a wonderful idea. "Sweet Transvestite." I said.
"What?" he replied confused.
"Just tell him that's his song. You'll enjoy it, I promise."
"Okay, Emmett, you better get ready because your song is 'Sweet Transvestite'." Edward said smugly to Emmett.
Emmett's face paled and the haughty look that had been on his face disappeared. Oh, this would be fun. Much fun indeed.
Okayy. I hope you enjoyed this chapter:)
I got tired of writing soo, I'm just gonna post this much for y'all.
Next chapter! Emmett sings "Sweet Transvestite" and everyone else is up for their lovely songs.
**Songs for this chapter:
(in the car with Emmett/Rose/Bella) Fame and Riches, Rehab Bitches by Jeffree Star
Jasper's Song: Dude (Looks Like A Lady) by Aerosmith
Alice's Song: Scotty Doesn't Know by Lustra
Esme's Song: Jizz In My Pants by the Lonely Island
Until next time, folks! :)
.
SpunkyPeanut