Disclaimer: I still live with my parents, and still own nothing. Chapter title comes from The Ramones song of the same name.
Author's Note: I'm watching this week's new episode (Raging Cannibal) of CSI: Miami while I type. Is anyone else thinking WTF…in regards to Eric's shirt? Neon coloured butterfly print? That's not the best shirt to bust out after your crush has discovered your feelings…I'm just saying.
Chapter 2
Baby I Love You
Valera watched carefully as Dan made his way to the bar and bathroom. She wanted to be sure he followed her instructions to the letter. Ryan was also observing Cooper closely. At least, as closely as he could, given the amount of drinking he'd participated in this evening. How much had it been? Ryan looked down at the table and tried to tally up his half of the empties standing at attention on the table he'd shared with Dan. Okay soldiers, roll call. But try as he might the math kept escaping Ryan, and all he could say for himself after staring at the bottles for several moments was that he'd drank half a table of beer. A small, formalish bar table, a classy table when he thought about it. But still…it was half a table, and perhaps he'd better pace himself from here on in. After all, if Dan actually made it with Price Ryan wanted to be able to remember this momentous occasion in the morning. Oh yeah, and Eric and Calleigh's wedding party, you know cause that's why he was wearing a suit in the first place.
"Here he comes, here he comes!" Valera pulled on Ryan's arm and pointed at Dan who had just exited the men's room.
Dan proceeded to cross the dance floor to a small corner of the bar where Tara Price, the object of his affections, was entertaining Alexx's kids. Valera and Ryan waited on baited breath as Dan introduced himself to Tara and the children.
"I wish we could hear what he's saying." Valera said, straining to get a good view of Cooper and Price.
"It may be less painful this way. If he does speak Klingon we won't be able to hear the Earth opening up to swallow him." Ryan replied, resisting the urge to push Valera's head out of his line of sight so he too could observe Cooper's moves.
"Ryan!" Valera turned to face him, an exasperated look on her face. "Just because it's Dan doesn't mean things are going to go wrong. I gave him fool- proof advice. Fool- proof!"
"I think you greatly underestimate what kind of fools most men are."
"Ryan, that is so not…" Valera couldn't finish admonishing him, because just as she'd begun Ryan had placed a hand on either side of her head. He then turned her to face Cooper and Price.
"Look!" Ryan didn't remove his hands from her head following this outburst. Instead, he pushed her even further forward in her seat. "Holy crap Valera! I think he's actually doing it. I think Dan Cooper's talking to a girl for longer than it takes to say, did you see Heroes last night?"
Valera wanted to say I told you so. She also wanted to slap Ryan's hands away because he was going to put her in traction soon if he didn't let go of her head. But she was just as caught up as Ryan in the moment. So they remained as they were, Ryan sitting behind her with both hands on her head, and Valera straining forward in her seat. To anyone who noticed them they looked like a particularly bad chiropractor and his unfortunate patient.
They watched in silence as Dan ingratiated himself to both Price, and the two children she was playing with. Dan had strolled over to where Price was bent over talking to Alexx's daughter, and placed a hand on Tara's lower back to indicate his presence. He'd then removed said hand, and held it out in introduction. Price had appeared neither scared nor angry at his intrusion. In fact, she'd just smiled, straightened her back and shook his hand. Dan had then crouched down and got reacquainted with Alexx's children.
"Amazing." Ryan whispered after observing the entire thing.
"See, I told you so!" Valera cried, while removing his hands from her head, and turning her chair so that her entire self was facing Ryan.
"Wait! What are you doing? I can't see!" Ryan tried to shift Valera, and her chair so that he could continue to watch, and marvel at Dan.
"Ryan no! Stop it!" Valera punctuated her words with shoves to his mid section. "We've done our part. Dan is talking to Price, mission accomplished. Well actually I did everything. You just sat around making sarcastic remarks."
"What do you mean mission accomplished? And stop poking me in ribs!" Ryan continued to scuffle with her while trying to keep an eye on Cooper and Price.
"I'll stop poking you when you sit down! We've seen enough, we have to let Dan handle this. He's not gonna want Price to look over his shoulder, and see the peanut gallery snickering at her like school children."
"I wouldn't be snickering at her! Just Cooper."
"That's enough Ryan! Sit down!" Valera made a grab for Ryan's waist. If he wasn't going to act like an adult, and sit down calmly, she'd just have to hold him down herself.
Ryan stopped short, and looked down at Valera who was probably thinking it was her bossy manner causing him to freeze in place. When really he was paralyzed by the fact that if he wasn't mistaken, and a man usually isn't about these things, she'd just cupped him through his pants. He was sure it was a mistake on her part, she probably hadn't even noticed, but it made him acutely aware of her hands on his waist, and the fact they were inches apart. He prayed she didn't notice his body's reaction, because despite drinking half a table of beer it appeared his penis was still dead sober, and ready to answer the call of duty.
Ryan needn't have worried however, as Valera was too busy being embarrassed over her "slight of hand" to register his reaction. Being accused of molesting a colleague was the last thing she needed. There were already rumours around the lab that she was mad, and enjoyed porn. Valera didn't even know how these stories got started! She was fairly sure she was no more neurotic than the next woman, and she really couldn't remember ever going on record at work as a porno fan. Damn the internet, and its all pervasive powers! One person takes something you say out of context, posts it to the web and next thing you know you're kooky Valera the porn lover. If Ryan threw a fit over this, or even mentioned it to their work mates she'd be done for.
But Ryan had no plans to even acknowledge the alleged cuppage. Instead, he took a deep breath, and sat back down in his chair, releasing Valera's hands from his waist in the process.
"So um….yeah, you're right let's leave Dan to his own devices…and um…" Ryan looked around for any means to get their interaction back on the rails. Luckily, fate seemed to be on his side for once, and a waitress appeared at their table carrying a tray of champagne flutes filled with some of the best bubbly Miami had to offer.
"Drinks?" the attractive blonde asked, while offering a glass to Valera.
"Yes!" Ryan's reply sounded desperate and high pitched in his own ears, and he truly hoped it had come off much more casual to the women in front of him.
But again, he needn't have worried. Valera was to busy drowning her own mortification in champagne. She'd already finished two-thirds of her glass before Ryan had even spoken. Taking his cues from her, Ryan quickly followed suit.
"Right, Okay well I was going to say the bride and groom are about to make a toast," The waitress began, as she watched Ryan and Valera mainline the champagne she'd just offered them. "How about I just leave you guys a couple more for when things get underway?"
"Sure, yeah, great." Ryan said absently.
Valera said nothing, later she would swear the champagne had just appeared out of nowhere, so oblivious had she been to the waitress's presence. She was too busy staring at Ryan over the top of her glass, and trying to think of what to say next. She figured an apology might smooth things back over. But just as she opened her mouth to apologize Ryan stunned her into silence by beating her to the punch.
"I'm sorry." He said quickly.
Now Valera knew she'd had too much to drink. She was clearly hearing things. After all, she was pretty sure Ryan had just apologized to her, when she was the one who'd manhandled his private bits.
"What?" She searched his face quizzically. "What did you do? I'm the one that grabbed-
"You were right about Dan!" Ryan quickly cut her off before they had to relive the last few moments. "You were right, I should've left it alone after he managed to talk to Price without tripping over himself. And really to be fair, I should've given the guy more credit, instead of expecting him to trip over his own feet."
"Well… he did mention using Klingon as an opener. What were you supposed to think?" Valera knew this statement ran counter to everything she'd said when she'd been psyching Dan up. But she felt Ryan deserved some form of reassurance for taking the hit, and trying to smooth away the current awkwardness between them.
"No. No. You were right. I mean about the whole thing. Sure his initial methods were questionable, but not his intentions. He's a good guy, and he should have as much chance with Price as any dude."
After making this admission Ryan checked up on Cooper and Price again. From his vantage point over Valera's shoulder he could see them holding champagne glasses, still engaged in conversation.
"And just so you know," Ryan continued. "He's still chatting her up. But I promise not to blatantly stare at them, or point my finger no matter what happens."
"I'm sure whatever happens won't be worthy of finger points, and obvious staring anyways." Valera said smiling at him.
"Oh I don't know about that. I'm sure as cool as he seems on the outside this is huge deal for Dan. I know it would be for me." Ryan studied his champagne flute studiously while saying this. He'd gone out on an emotional limb with his last sentence. He didn't want to see Valera's face if it was judging him.
"Oh." was all Valera said. And when Ryan looked up at her she was the one to look away.
"I didn't realize you um, you had a crush on Price too." She added.
"Oh no…no!" Ryan realized Valera had taken his statement completely out of context. "I mean she's hot and all, but I'm not into her that way. I just mean if I was successfully hitting on pretty girl I'd be pretty pysched."
Valera felt two emotions after Ryan finished speaking. The first was relief, that he didn't have a crush on Price. Not that it mattered to her, it wasn't like she'd been jealous….much. It would just have been awkward all round if Dan got the girl his friend wanted. The second emotion was that familiar yearning for the return of Cute, Sweater Vest Ryan. She'd just seen shades of that Ryan in the man sitting before her. It made her want to be tender with his feelings.
"Oh please Ryan! This is Miami, you can't turn around without banging into a hot girl. You talk to them all the time. I've seen you." Once this was out of her mouth Valera realized it didn't sound tender, so much as it sounded dismissive, and just a little envious.
"What I mean to say is," she tried again. "Is… I know you can talk to attractive women, and I bet you could ask out any woman in here…well you know except for Calleigh, hitting on the bride may be poor form. But I'd bet you'd get a positive response from the single ladies."
"Oh you mean like Boa Vista?" he countered. "Cause that worked out great didn't it?"
"Ryan, those were extenuating circumstances. She still had unfinished business with Eric back then, and that's all water under the bridge."
"It still doesn't change the fact I probably wouldn't get much of a positive response from the women in this room." Ryan said.
"Look around you Valera," Ryan indicated to the room with his glass. "Just about everyone here knows me from work. Which means they know about me getting fired, the gambling, the gun range. Hell, most people probably still hold the Erica Sykes situation against me. Dan's not the only one who knows what everybody thinks of him."
Valera just stared at him sadly. She wanted to dispute everything he'd said, but she couldn't. Hadn't she spent most of the evening thinking he'd changed for the worst? Didn't she hope he'd be a little less full on every time he came into her lab in recent times? Suddenly she realized that by yearning for the boy he'd been she had diminished the man he'd become. She'd tried to pre-empt the same change in Dan tonight by boosting his confidence. Maybe a little kindness would reverse things in Ryan's case.
"I swear, sometimes going to work is like going to high school all over again." Ryan said frowning at his glass. "Just once I'd like to feel like I'm not just being tolerated until Speed comes back from the dead, or I don't know someone more qualified takes the job, or someone cooler can be Eric's right hand man….I don't know what everybody was banking on happening, but it wasn't me."
"Oh Ryan, come on now, it's not that bad." Valera said as she leant over and put a hand on his knee. "I don't think anyone is praying for your resignation from MDPD just so they don't have to hang out with you."
Ryan was about to open his mouth, and protest her lack of compassion, when Valera pre-empted any thought he had of arguing with her by removing her hand from his knee, and replacing it with her entire body.
Valera was a little worried. She'd hoped she'd done the right thing. If she was going to boost Ryan's confidence she might as well go all out. So she'd hopped into his lap and put her arms around his neck. He hadn't thrown her off, or insinuated she was crazy…yet. In fact, he was just sort of gaping at her like a fish…a cute fish, like maybe a bewildered guppy.
"Now Ryan," She began as she had with Dan, and reached for Ryan's tie to ensure his full attention. "You're going to take a break from this pity party and listen to me. Because actually buddy, we are not at a pity party, we are celebrating the union of two of our closest friends. Who hello! Value our friendship, even yours no matter what you think. Got it?"
"Kay." Ryan squeaked out his reply.
Valera continued to talk at him, while absent-mindedly caressing the back of his neck. Ryan knew that whatever Valera was going on about was probably important and meaningful, but he really couldn't concentrate. First, there was the accidental cupping, and now she was sitting in his lap. There's only so much one man can be expected to take in, especially when he's been drinking and there's a beautiful woman sitting in his lap. Now that Ryan thought on it, she was not just beautiful, but also smelled nice, not to mention how short her dress was. Or maybe the dress only seemed short because her legs where so long. Or maybe she knew her legs were great, really great, and had bought the dress especially for…
"Ryan!" Valera grabbed him by the jaw and forced him to look her in the eyes. "Are you listening to me?"
"Yes?"
"Well, as I was saying, you can't stake everything on other people's opinions of you." Valera was looking at him very seriously as she said this, so Ryan tried to school his features into a similar state of graveness.
"Right." He said, hoping he sounded like he'd been following the conversation.
"I mean look at me," she continued while releasing his face in order to indicate to herself.
Ryan needed no further encouragement. While he was pretty sure he couldn't hold his own in any conversational gymnastics at the moment, he knew he could leer the fuck out of this situation, so he did. Valera however, was oblivious to the way his eyes traveled over her body. Which amazed Ryan because he was sure if it was possible to eye fuck someone, he was doing it know. In fact, he was pretty sure if he'd been an impartial observer, and some random stranger was doing the same thing to Valera, Calleigh or Natalia he'd have laid the guy out by now. That thought made him more cautious and he quickly scanned the room for Eric or Horatio. Ryan did not want to be back- handed in the face with Horatio Caine's gun. So he raised his eyes back to Valera's face and tried to concentrate on her words.
"…people say all kinds of things about me at the lab. They say that I'm nuts, and that I like porn. Porn! I mean how would you like it if people thought you were a porn fiend?"
"You're not a porn fiend?" Ryan tried to hide his surprise and disappointment. But judging from the look Valera was giving him he'd not succeeded. So he stumbled on hoping to correct the situation. "I mean of course you're not a porn fiend Valera. Psssth! Who would think such a thing? I mean you as a porn fiend! That would just be crazy…crazy awesome."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"So anyways, as I was saying, if I worried about what people thought about me, I'd never come into work. And you know what else? When I was in high school boys didn't like me. I went to the prom with my friend's cousin, true story." Valera was passed caring about how such a confession reflected on her as a person. She just hoped that by sharing it she could encourage Ryan to see himself as less of an outcast.
"I don't believe you." Ryan stated. Clearly convincing him was going to be harder than Valera anticipated.
"No really. It's true. And don't get me wrong Wolfe, I'm not trying to feed you some sob story. I know I'm hot! I was even hotter then! Hell I was 16! My boobs were perkier, my skin brighter, my thighs thinner. Thirty cannot beat sixteen, it's the law of nature."
Ryan was glad he hadn't gone to Valera's high school. If she'd really been hotter then, as compared to now, he'd have never got any work done. He'd be pumping gas for a living wondering what ever became of the pretty girl, with huge eyes from his chemistry class. God, imagine if she came from some shit hole little town with a one room school, and they'd taken all their classes together. He'd be functionally illiterate, and not for any of the usual hillbilly reasons.
"Being hot didn't matter. My family was a bunch of weird hippies. Great people, they probably could've been millionaires if they'd invented some awesome ice cream with catchy names. But they didn't. And everyone in my town just thought of us as quaint hippies."
Ryan's response to this was a raised eyebrow. Her story seemed credible, but still, if there was one thing being a man had taught him it was that when it came to women there was a crazy/weird to hotness ratio. Generally, a girl could be absolutely bat-shit crazy, and some poor stooge would still make it with her, as long as she was a stunner. And Valera certainly was.
"I don't know Valera. Experience has shown that women only need to be about this hot," Ryan raised a hand over his head as if measuring children in front of a roller coaster. "To be weird and still get laid."
"Well that's just my point then!" Valera cried exasperatedly.
"What's your point? That you're hot enough to be a whacky bitch and still get laid?"
"No Ryan!" Jesus was she going to have to spell this out for him slowly and phonetically? What was her point anyways? How had they gone from devising a plan for Dan's sensual seduction of Price to bickering over whom was the most ostracized in high school, and the biggest weirdo at work? Valera racked her brains for a few moments before continuing.
"My point was, and still is, that you shouldn't have been so hard on Dan…or yourself." Valera peaked up from under her hair at Ryan. Did she dare continue on this train of thought? She had to. She still hadn't karar'ed damn it! "Everyone makes mistakes Ryan. I was let go for awhile too from the lab…and I'm not bringing that up to make you feel bad for whatever role you might have had in that. I'm just saying that we all make mistakes. And, and everyone has insecurities and failures in their life."
Ryan offered no counter argument. Nor did his face betray any emotion so she continued on.
"And, and as far as girls go or whatever, I don't think it's as hard as you suspect."
Now Ryan did have a questioning look on his face.
"I mean, it shouldn't be that hard for you or Dan to talk to a girl. You're both smart, have good jobs, jobs that PS, women find heroic. Sure, Dan doesn't carry a gun or anything like you, but you both put bad guys in jail. That's swoon-worthy."
"Swoon-worthy? Is that a word?" Ryan asked, teasing her.
"Shut up. I'm not done. Like I said you're smart, employed and you know…" Valera looked around to be sure no one was paying them any attention. Nope, everyone was still dancing or conversing. Here goes. "…you're, um, handsome…."
Her last words had been barely audible, but Ryan was nearly sure she'd said he was handsome. Did she say he was handsome? He knew he shouldn't push it, but he had to. And besides he'd been ogling her for the past half hour, surely she could return the compliment.
"You think I'm handsome?" he asked. Ryan tried, and failed to conceal the hint of manly pride in his voice.
"Okay, let's not go overboard here Wolfe. I think we both know, you know you're not hard on the eyes." Valera rolled her eyes while she said this, and employed his last name hoping to bring some levity back into the conversation.
"So you do think I'm handsome?"
Ryan was aware he was repeating himself. And he wasn't really sure why the issue was so important to him. Why couldn't he just accept a compliment and let it drop? Why did he feel the need to continue badgering the person till they changed their mind? He hoped Valera wasn't about to change hers. Not that it mattered. It wasn't like anything was going to happen between them. Was something happening now? No of course not, she was just being nice, like she had been to Dan. That she was sincere he had no doubt, but he was unsure whether this was all being said in the name of friendship, or more. He was also unsure how the possibility it was more made him feel.
"Sure. You, Dan, Me, Eric, Calleigh, Natalia, hey we are one good- looking forensics team. I bet we could all be on one of those cheesy forensic crime dramas." Valera replied trying to remain flippant.
She'd had good intentions, really she had. But she wasn't sure Ryan was going to accept her encouragement at face value. He seemed to be searching for some deeper confession from her on what it was that made her like him as a person. The fact he was even aware that she might have something deeper to confess was disconcerting enough.
"Oh yeah…we uh, we are one heck of a team." Ryan said somewhat dejectedly.
He didn't want to seem ungrateful for her all the nice things she'd said tonight. And really he was cool with her just wanting to do something nice for a friend. He could handle the fact that Valera thought of him as friend. A handsome, smart….friend. Talk about the story of his life.
Oh no, this was not going as Valera had anticipated. Ryan was clearly not as bolstered by her pep talk as Dan had been. She looked longingly at the dance floor. Jesus how had this happened? How had she come to be sitting in Ryan Wolfe's lap discussing very personal
things in the middle of a party? A party! Why was she not in the middle of the dance floor with a metaphorical lamp- shade on her head? That was her usual M.O. at staff parties. God knows her work mates expected it of her. She was crazy Valera, the porno loving, party animal. But of course that wasn't entirely true. And that was part of the reason she was sitting on Ryan's lap. She felt bad for him because she knew what it was like to be misunderstood, and as a small voice inside her kept reminding her, "you liiiiiiiike him". Oh God, there was no going back now, even if nothing came of her next admission, it would be worth it to make Ryan smile, because God help her, she did liiiiike him.
"Yes we are a good team. And what's more you are an integral part of this team." Valera began, trying to decide if eight cocktails and two glasses of champagne was enough liquid courage for what she had to say. Fuck it, there wasn't enough liquor in the world to make this sort of conversation less painful, but she had to go on. " I don't think I'd have near as good a time at work if you weren't there. In fact, I know I wouldn't because it felt like something was missing before you got reinstated. And what's more I think you are a good enough person, on a stand- alone basis, and a hot enough guy to get any girl you wanted…within reason. And. That. Is. What. I. Think."
Ryan's mind was boggled. He was 80 percent sure Valera might be hitting on him. The other 20 percent was reminding him that she'd said pretty much the same things to Dan. And Ryan was 100 percent sure Valera didn't want to give the Dan the impression she was interested. Another tiny part of him thought maybe, by some chance, she just liked him, like really liked him, but was still just trying to be a decent friend. That part was a dangerous part to listen to Ryan decided. After all, he and Valera had pretty much established during the course of this very strange conversation that they had life experiences in common, found one another attractive and were single. Okay, so he'd already suspected she was single, but he hadn't known for sure. Still, there was no denying that if they were two strangers who met at any other wedding they'd be making out in the coat check by now. Something had to happen to end this conversation or soon he'd make a big mistake, like kissing her, or asking her out, and they weren't strangers at a random wedding. They were friends who had to go back to work on Monday.
Valera wondered what was going through Ryan's mind. He'd remained silent after her little tirade, about basically how awesome he was. Clearly, he now thought she was some deranged stalker type, or a silly girl with a hopeless crush. She had to get off his lap and out of this conversation. Now. But how could she do it? There was no obvious reason for her to leap off his knee, and get as far away from him as possible. Unless of course she was embarrassed, or hadn't meant a word she'd said. She didn't want him to think either situation was the case. She didn't know what she wanted to happen, but she knew something had to happen.
And then it did……..TBC