Chapter 2
10 Months and 29 Days After
Right after breakfast Emma made her way do Dr. Belfrey's office. She hoped that after having a quick chat they would let her go again, but when she entered the room she knew that this would not be the case. A set of clothing was placed on the table; sweatpants, shirt, and underwear as well as some shampoo and a toothbrush.
"Sit down, Emma", Dr. Belfrey ordered extra friendly. "How was your first night?"
Emma couldn't really figure out if this was a serious question. It was literally impossible to get any sleep on these beds. Or with this mind. "Short. When can I go?"
Dr. Belfrey smiled as if this was a question she was expecting. "We have a rule here that says when someone gets admitted they stay for at least a week."
"But I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me. Yes I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday but I'm better now." Maybe this lie would've worked better if at least Emma herself had believed it. When did she get so bad at that? "You need to give yourself a chance. If you don't open up you won't heal. We will listen to you here, and with therapy and group sessions we will help you to get back on your feet."
"Therapy isn't for me." Even if she told her life story a hundred times, it wouldn't change a thing. Her wounds would still be there.
"Have you ever even been to therapy?", Dr. Belfrey asked patiently. It was her job to be patient, and she was pretty good at it.
"No."
"So how can you know that this isn't something you might need?"
That silenced Emma. She had no good argument to fight back. She just knew that therapy was the last thing she needed. Emma knew herself better than anyone.
"See, I've seen many women your age struggling, and walking out of here with a better mindset, a perspective, and faith in themselves."
Emma snorted. Faith. That was a word she deleted from her vocabulary a long time ago. And she knew for a fact that nothing in this world would make her feel better and nothing is this world would be able to take that constant pain away from her. So no, therapy was definitely not what Emma needed. There was only one thing she needed, and she wouldn't get that here. She had to get out as soon as possible, and if she had to pretend to be fine for a week she would do that. Seven days, she only had to get through seven days. "After a week I'm out of here." "Thank you for giving us and yourself a chance. After lunch you'll participate in our arts and crafts therapy."
"You're kidding me." Maybe this was some kind of punishment because come on, how could arts and craft help her in any way? "That's part of our philosophy, sorry. Now, go take a shower." The doctor was everything but sorry.
"Wait, that's it? No questions about why I'm so fucked up?"
"No, not for today. You agreeing to staying with us is enough for now."
Emma was a little bit suspicious when she took the clothing and toiletries because she always expected therapy as some sort of deep talk about childhood traumas and fears. Instead, she was sent to draw silly pictures.
When Emma entered her room, after taking a long and warm shower and finally putting on fresh clothes that didn't smell like dirt, she noticed that she wasn't alone again. Robin was sitting on the bed again, biting her nails. Something about her seemed to be constantly anxious and it made Emma nervous. It was like this girl was constantly on the edge and about to explode.
"So, Romeo & Juliet huh?"
Emma was confused and surprised that Robin spoke. She didn't really know what to say because her heart starting racing like crazy when she heard the words "Romeo & Juliet". She took some deep breaths to fight off a panic attack.
"I, uh, made your bed and saw your book", Robin explained and smiled shyly. "Don't ever touch my stuff again, do you understand?" It didn't bother Emma that the girl had made her bed, but it did bother her that she saw the book, that she touched the book. Or even worse - Robin might have seen what's in there. "I'm sorry I just wanted to be nice. If the nurses had seen your bed like this they would've lectured you. It's our responsibility here to keep our rooms clean."
"Sorry, I didn't know." Emma immediately felt bad for going off on Robin. She meant well and no one could know how easy it was these days to trigger Emma. Every waking moment was a trigger.
"It's okay. I love reading too, they have a library here. I'm there most of the time", Robin said almost enthusiastically. "I'm not a big reader actually. For how long have you been in here?" "A month."
Emma couldn't even imagine being in a facility like this for so long, because it wasn't real life. It was a life behind locked doors with people you wouldn't meet at a daily basis. "And why are you in here?"
"I, uh, have some issues."
Robin was getting nervous, so Emma figured it was for the best to just rely on humour and not bother her with more questions that were none of Emma's business. "Really? Never would've guessed."
"What did you do to get admitted in the middle of the night?"
"I wasn't well", Emma said and changed the topic to distract herself from her own thoughts. "You're pretty young for being this sad."
"Mental illness doesn't have an age restriction."
Robin was smart, Emma could tell. Smart and educated. And judging by her clothing also probably pretty well off. But Emma had learned not to judge a book by its covers. No one really knew what someone was going through, other than the person itself.
"Do you wanna go to lunch and like actually eat something? You haven't even eaten breakfast", Emma suggested. "You either."
"You have a point there."
4 Years, 2 Months, and 2 Days Before
The next day Emma was on time, even fifteen minutes early. The first stop was her locker, where Ruby was already waiting for her. Right, they had first period together. She greeted her with a hug and rolled her eyes when she discovered that Killian and his friends were hanging out there as well. Apparently her locker had become the jerk's meeting point. "What are they doing here? Are you friends with them?", Emma asked. She hoped not, though, because that would mean that she had to hang out with them as well when she wanted to be Ruby's friend.
"Gods no. We just have lots of classes together. They're waiting for Miss Mills. Let's go", Ruby said and headed towards the classroom.
"Wait, why?" Ruby was uncomfortable, so Emma was definitely dying to know what the guys were up to. She didn't trust them at all.
"They like to put on a show. Puberty apparently killed all of their remaining brain cells." Damn, if Ruby hated them that much there must be a reason for it.
"What do you mean?"
"I heard them talking, you know, one of them is accidentally gonna bump into her so she has to bend over and then the others will film her from behind. It's disgusting and I don't wanna be a part of that. Let's go to class."
That was actually far more disgusting than Emma had imagined. "I'm not gonna-" She was interrupted by clicking heels approaching them in a rather fast speed. She heard the guys whispering and saw Killian walking towards Miss Mills who was busy looking at her phone. Emma wished she wouldn't be wearing yet another pencil skirt, as that would only feed the guys even more. It was sad that that's what she as a woman had to think about, really. "Look up", Emma whispered to herself, hoping she wouldn't fall right into the trap.
Killian bumped into her and Miss Mills' folder that she was carrying under her arm fell to the ground, sheets of paper covering the floor. Killian grabbed her shoulders to keep her upright. Or more like because that was an excuse to touch her. "I am so sorry, Miss Mills, that was on me", he apologised and played the good and well educated rich guy. Ew.
Emma was absolutely fuming.
"Watch where you're going, Mr. Jones", Miss Mills snapped, and right before she was about to kneel down to collect her things, Emma rushed towards the crime scene and picked up her folder as well as the sheets of paper. She heard the boys cursing and calling her a stick-in-the-mud but she couldn't care less. Miss Mills seemed to hear that as well as Emma could tell that she was trying really hard not to glance around.
When she handed over the folder to Miss Mills the world around her turned silent for a second because she wasn't expecting a teacher to be this pretty. Or anyone to be this pretty. She lost herself in her chocolate brown eyes for a moment, enjoying the scent of expensive parfume. "Here you go", she said, almost whispered, smiling apologetically. Miss Mills was just about Emma's height with these heels, maybe still a bit shorter. "Thank you, Miss… Swan, am I correct?", she said dryly, as if this situation hadn't affected her in the slightest. Emma wondered how Miss Mills must be feeling, considering the fact that the guys treated her like a piece of meat, like an object. "Yeah." Emma couldn't help but to feel a little flattered that she knew her name after one day of being at that school. It's been a while since someone has had this effect on her. "Have a nice day then."
Miss Mills subtly eyed her up and down, probably debating if Emma was worth an answer. And Emma liked that she took her time, because she kind of enjoyed her presence. "You too", Miss Mills said and walked past her, eyes glued to her phone again. Emma couldn't help but look after her. She had to. Her smile vanished into thin air as she saw Killian's grin on his face. "Jealous?", he asked and at first Emma didn't even get what he meant by that. "Don't worry, you're still my number one."
He fucking winked at her. "Listen to me", Emma answered and stared him right in the eyes. He was taller than her, and if he hadn't been wearing a cashmere sweater that showed his wealth he would've fit right in with the guys Emma used to kick out of the bar on a Saturday night. "I'm not your anything. What you just did was absolutely disgusting, and I assume this was not the first time." Miss Mills knew his name, and obviously not because he was a literature genius.
"Jesus, calm down." Killian raised his hands, his grin grew as he heard his friends laughing and clearly making fun of Emma.
"She is a person, do you really think she likes it when creepy teenage boys pull this shit on her? What are you even trying to achieve?"
"That's called foreplay, I bet she likes it when she gets fucked." Emma clenched her teeth, her hands balled into fists, fingernails leaving marks on the palm of her hands. He was teasing her, he couldn't be this stupid and actually believe what he was saying. Emma tried to calm herself down, she tried really hard. She wanted to laugh in his face and turn around, she wanted to be the bigger person. She glanced over to Ruby who was standing in the doorway waiting for her, and just when Emma was about to turn around Killian opened his mouth again.
"You should come and watch. Friday night, parking lot, mark the date", he said just loud enough for Emma to hear it.
Her stomach clenched like she was about to throw up. He could not be fucking serious. Guys like him were Emma's biggest trigger. "You're not gonna touch her", Emma said and made sure it sounded like a warning rather than a statement. However, she couldn't hide the fact that she was truly shocked.
"You bet I will."
"That's harassment!" Emma swallowed, slowly realising that he actually meant what he said. He wasn't saying this purely to make Emma mad. This truly was foreplay for him.
"Not if she's enjoying it." He sticked out his tongue, flickering it, and Emma lost it. Before she could think about the consequences of her actions her fist met the left side of Killian's face. She was trembling, and her knuckles hurt a little more than anticipated. She should feel sorry, she should apologize, but she couldn't.
Killian's friends were rushing towards him and helping him up. The few students who were still hanging out in the hallways instead of being in their classrooms turned silent. All eyes were on Emma and Killian. "What the…", Killian held his face and Emma hoped that it hurt. "Fucking hell, this program is a joke. People like you shouldn't even be allowed at this school, fucking scum."
"Go back to the ghetto where you belong", one of his friends shouted.
"What is going on here?" Emma wheeled around. There was a teacher standing behind her, and Emma had no idea for how long. "I-", she tried to answer, but she had no idea how to talk herself out of it.
"She punched him in the face", Killian's friend said and the teacher took a look at Killian's face that was indeed swollen. Emma had gotten herself into trouble, that was obvious. Still, she wasn't feeling sorry for him in the slightest.
"You alright?", the teacher asked and Killian nodded. "I'll get you some ice later. Go to class, and you too, Miss Lucas." So that was probably the English teacher, Mr. Hood. Great. Ruby shrugged and went inside, followed by Killian and his friends.
"And you", Mr. Hood said and turned to Emma, "you're coming with me to the principal's office. Right now."
Fuck. This was bad, really bad. Emma knew she could be expelled for this immediately, which meant her chances of getting an education would vanish into thin air. Emma toyed nervously with the zipper of her bag while Mr. Hood explained to Mrs. Fisher what had happened. He hadn't even asked for Emma's point of view. And she certainly wouldn't know what to say. Mr. Hood talked about Killian like he was a saint, and Emma figured that Killian's parents must be really important for this school, financially. That was also the moment she figured that no one would believe her in the slightest if she told them what had driven her to punch him in the face.
"There's zero tolerance for violence at this school", Mr. Hood emphasized and Mrs. Fisher nodded in agreement. This was it, they would kick her out. On the second day.
"Mr. Hood I would love to speak to Miss Swan alone now, please. I would like to hear her version of the story. I will send her back to class when we're finished."
Mr. Hood didn't seem happy with that, but he didn't really have a saying in this. She couldn't really tell if Mrs. Fisher was on her side or not. Her gut feeling said yes but on the other hand, the principal probably knew as well that Emma didn't really belong here.
Mrs. Fisher walked over to the mini fridge - Emma made a mental note that if she ever was successful in life she wanted a mini fridge in her office as well - and gave her an ice pack for her hand that was red and a bit swollen and hurt like hell. "Thanks." Emma felt bad. Not for punching the guy, she still thought he deserved it, but because she had let down the principal who was willing to give her a chance here.
"If this doesn't help I will have to send you to the school nurse."
"No, it's fine, really." That wasn't the first time Emma's hand was swollen from punching someone and it would stop hurting in a few hours.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Mrs. Fisher's friendly smile was gone but Emma still had this feeling in her gut that she was in favour of her.
If she told her about Killian, everyone's favourite student, it could backfire badly. She had no witnesses apart from Ruby, who she knew for five seconds. And Killian had all his friends and a teacher on his side. There was really no chance here, so Emma shook her head. "I know violence isn't the solution. It won't happen again. Just please don't kick me out." Emma rarely begged, but she would hate herself forever if she blew this. She barely knew anyone who made it out of the slums. "Please."
"I should suspend you for this behavior, but I'm not going to. You don't seem like that person who picks fights for no reason. You're a smart young woman, allow yourself to live like that. Even though I don't know the reason for what you did, and also don't want to know because violence is violence, I'm sure you didn't do it for fun."
Emma exhaled in relieve. "Thank you, I-"
"However", Mrs. Fisher interrupted her, "I'm not gonna let you off the hook that easily." She handed Emma a list with what seemed like a list of extracurricular activities. Emma had to repress a sigh. That meant she had to spend even more time in school.
"Pick one. These will help you to meet new people and to broaden your horizon."
Emma scanned the list and skipped to the things that sounded the least boring to her. Maybe sports would be a good idea. She could try football and bring Henry to a game or something. "Is there a spot left on the football team?"
"Unfortunately, we don't have a girls team. How about cheerleading?"
"Gods no." Emma continued to search for something that didn't sound totally horrible, even though nothing really appealed to her.
"How about the Drama Club? I see you're friends with Miss Lucas, she's our most dedicated member. I heard they're doing Romeo & Juliet this year. Beautiful piece."
Emma nodded in agreement. At least she already knew someone there and maybe she would find a way to do something that didn't involve going on stage or learning lines. Like, helping out behind the scenes and stuff.
"Okay then. Drama Club is once a week, on Wednesday afternoon. This is your second and last chance. Next time something like this happens I will have to suspend you, do you understand?"
"I understand. Thanks for letting me stay." "Now go back to class", the principal said.
Emma was actually in no hurry to get back because that Mr. Hood teacher already hated her anyways and the feeling was mutual. She strolled through the hallway, hoping the bell would ring before she reached the classroom. When she passed Miss Mills' classroom she held her breath and listened just to hear if she was in there. Maybe she had a class or something, or she was sitting at her desk barefoot again while reading through student's essays. But the only thing she heard was a silent sob. It pulled on Emma's heart with a tiny spasm. This was way too intimate for Emma to witness. She felt like an intruder. However, her hand carefully opened the door without her brain's permission.
Miss Mills's head snapped up immediately and she wiped away her tears in the movement. "Miss Swan, what are you doing here?"
Holy shit she was actually crying. Emma debated whether or not to leave, but she chose to stay and closed the door behind her instead. "They're just stupid assholes. Killian and his friends, I mean."
"Don't you think I know that?", she snapped and squinted her eyes at her.
Wow, this woman really was a bitch, but that didn't scare Emma off. "Listen, uh, I know that sucks but you can't let them get away with that."
The woman walked towards Emma and crossed her arms in front of her chest. Emma held her breath. Even though she had cried, she was tragically beautiful. Her grace and her elegance rendered Emma absolutely silent. Even if she had wanted to say something, her brain had shut down completely. "I don't need your help, Miss Swan. I am a grown woman. I can handle a few mentally challenged idiots who are still stuck in puberty. You have no right to come into my classroom like that. I don't need you."
Now Emma felt kind of stupid. Of course a few kids wouldn't be able to make a teacher hide in a classroom and cry like that. "Uh, I, I'm sor-"
"Go back to wherever you came from. I'm pretty sure you and your red haired friend have some pointless issues to discuss, like stupid reality shows or boys or whatever people like you do in their spare time."
Emma smiled bitterly. That woman might have been intimidating, but not intimidating enough for Emma to fight back when she got insulted. "Actually, I'm more into girls you know." She walked to the door and turned around again. "But thanks for caring about me not wasting my time with people like you", Emma mocked and closed the door behind her. She bit her tongue. Shit, she had really spoken like that to a teacher. If there was one thing she had learned during her year out of school was to fight back, but damn, she had to take it down a notch if she wanted to stay here. Accepting teachers as an authority again was harder for her than she had imagined it to be.