The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Act I J. Franklin
THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE
ACT I
(SCENE: HOWARD and RAJ are in a grocery mart at the top of an aisle that features feminine hygiene products. Both look terrified.)
RAJ: (Leaning over but not taking his eyes off the displays.) Dude, do you even know what type she takes?
HOWARD: Are you kidding? I didn't even know there were types!
RAJ: Well, what does she normally use?
HOWARD: (Rolling eyes) I don't know! Somehow, it's never really come up in conversation. (Mimics) How are you? How was your day? My mother said you need to call her about this weekend. And, oh, by the way, which brand of monthly protection do you use?
RAJ: Take it easy, dude. I'm just trying to help.
HOWARD: I know, I know. I don't mean to snap at you. It's just that this time of the month makes things so difficult…
RAJ: (Looking up at shelves) So, do you know what brand she uses?
HOWARD: I think the box is pink.
RAJ: Dude, that's every box in the aisle.
HOWARD: I know. You'd think those commercials showing women always wearing white would have some relevance here…
RAJ: Can't you call her and ask?
HOWARD: No! I said she's in the lab all day!
RAJ: What about calling Penny? She might know. Girls talk about things.
HOWARD: What? No, I'm not calling Penny and discussing this with her!
RAJ: Okay, so what's left?
HOWARD: I don't know. Give me a minute.
(A small-framed woman walks by.)
HOWARD: Excuse me? My wife is about your height. Do you mind if I ask which of these you prefer?
WOMAN: WHAT?!
HOWARD: Nevermind. (Woman walks off.)
RAJ: So, what are you going to do?
HOWARD: I don't know. Maybe I'll find a sales clerk and ask her.
(A female sales clerk walks past in the opposite direction.)
HOWARD: Excuse me!
CLERK: (Turning) Yes? Are you boys lost?
HOWARD: What? No, we're not lost!
CLERK: Oh. Because we normally don't see too many men in this aisle.
HOWARD: Um, yes, I know. (Gestures to shelves.) I'm trying to buy some of these for my wife.
CLERK: (Sarcastically) Really? You don't say!
HOWARD: (Sighs) Yes, but I don't know anything about them.
CLERK: (Sarcastically) I'm shocked.
HOWARD: (Exasperated) Look, could you just…I don't know…help me out here?
CLERK: Sure. What brand does she prefer?
RAJ: They come in brands?
CLERK: Oh, you boys do need help. Hold on. (Keys radio unit on belt.) ATTENTION! I HAVE A MALE CUSTOMER IN AISLE SEVEN WHO NEEDS HELP WITH A FEMININE HYGIENE PURCHASE! (RAJ and HOWARD cringe.)
HOWARD: Hey! Can we be a little more private, please?
CLERK: Oh, I'm sorry. (Keys intercom again.) CANCEL THAT REQUEST. THE CUSTOMER SAYS HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT HIMSELF.
HOWARD: (Mortified) What? No! I mean, help me out without broadcasting it to the world!
CLERK: Oh, okay then. (Keys intercom) CUSTOMER SAYS NEED FOR ASSISTANCE IS BACK ON AGAIN.
HOWARD: (Shakes head) Look, could we possibly do this without using the intercom?
CLERK: Well, we could. But then it wouldn't be nearly as much fun now, would it?
HOWARD: Why are you doing this?
CLERK: You know how many jokes I've had to hear about over the years from men just like you about this sort of thing?
HOWARD: Well, uh, no.
CLERK: Then let's just say I'm enjoying this! (Pauses) Hang on…
(She moves off. Two more women walk by and pause.)
WOMAN #1: Are these the men who need help here? I had to see this for myself.
HOWARD: (Raising voice) Look! Can we just get this done with a little privacy please?!
WOMAN #1: Wow. Someone's sure grouchy this week! (Moves along)
RAJ: Hey! He can't help it! He's not feeling well right now! (To HOWARD) Got your back, dude.
HOWARD: (Unimpressed.) Thanks.
(Another woman walks up. She is slightly older. HOWARD and RAJ react with surprise.)
WOMAN: Oh, my goodness! Howard Wolowitz and Rajesh Koothrappali!
HOWARD: (Eyes widening) Mrs. Siebert?! (Turns to RAJ and laughs nervously.) Oh, look, Raj. It's President Siebert's wife, Mrs. Siebert!
WOMAN: Whatever are you doing here?
RAJ: We're not buying anything!
HOWARD: Shut up.
WOMAN: Oh! Are you the two boys I heard about on the intercom?
HOWARD: Uh, no! Not at all! We were just…passing through on our way to the checkout!
CLERK: (Returning with several boxes) These are our most popular brands. Any of these look familiar?
HOWARD: What? I don't use those!
CLERK: (Deadpan) You don't say.
HOWARD: No! Please! Just…put those back! (CLERK rolls eyes and shrugs before moving off.)
WOMAN: So, I take it your wife has finally trusted you with the grocery shopping?
HOWARD: What makes you say that?
WOMAN: Because I'm still doing it instead of my husband since I don't trust him to do it right.
HOWARD: Oh. Well, um, yes! I'm doing the shopping this week! Have to help my busy wife!
WOMAN: Yes, I know. I guess this means she wears the pants now?
HOWARD: (Taken aback) What?! No! As a matter of fact –
RAJ: Dude! Please! No more about being an astronaut!
WOMAN: (Shaking head) Well, good luck boys. (Pauses) You look like you're going to need it! (Moves off)
RAJ: (Waits a moment) She was mean.
HOWARD: I know. Let's just get something and get out of here.
RAJ: But you still don't know what type she wants!
HOWARD: So? I'll just pick something and she can use that until she comes back here…or whenever…
RAJ: (Shakes head) Look, dude. Just treat it like you do a Home Depot purchase. Buy several kinds and let her choose. Then, bring the rest back for a refund!
HOWARD: What?! She's not going to want to bring back a bunch of boxes of tampons and get a refund!
RAJ: She won't have to. She'll make you do it.
HOWARD: WHAT?! I'm not doing that!
RAJ: Well, you need to think of something.
HOWARD: I know, I know. Just…give me a second. (Reaches into pocket)
RAJ: What are you doing?
HOWARD: Calling for backup.
(Dissolve to: AMY sitting alone in her apartment on the sofa. She is simply staring into space. Her cordless phone rings. She does not move. It rings again. She looks around in space. It rings again. She looks around the room before settling on the phone as it rings again. She frowns. Slowly, she reaches over and lifts the receiver.)
AMY: (Unsure) Hello?
(Cut to: HOWARD in grocery store with RAJ listening in.)
HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Amy! It's Howard!
AMY: (Surprised and distant) My phone finally rings. It's NOT a wrong number! And a male voice is on the other end! (Pauses) Teenage me always dreamed about this!
HOWARD: (Filtered) Amy?
AMY: (Snaps back) Yes! I'm here! (Looks around) Where's my diary? This date needs to be recorded.
(Cut to: HOWARD in grocery store with RAJ listening in. He is confused)
HOWARD: (Confused) Amy? Aren't you dating Sheldon?
(Cut to: AMY searching frantically in her apartment.)
AMY: Yes, but Sheldon never phones me. He only Skypes. Hold on!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Um, okay…
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: My mother always said this would happen eventually! I just thought it would have happened before graduation!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: (Confused) Yeah. Uh, glad I could…help. Listen, I need to know something….
(Cut to: AMY. She is lifting an enormous book out of her desk and grabbing a pen. She checks her watch for the date.)
AMY: (Excited) I'm listening!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD nods to him and RAJ moves off camera.)
HOWARD: I need to know what brand of feminine protection Bernadette uses!
(Cut to: AMY. She stops dead in her tracks.)
AMY: You called to ask me WHAT?
(Cut to: HOWARD.)
HOWARD: I'm at the grocery store, and I need to know!
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: (Frowning) That's not the sort of question a gentleman caller asks!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. RAJ is now holding an armful of various packages and resting his chin on the topmost.)
HOWARD: (Exasperated and looking at various boxes RAJ is holding.) I'm not a gentleman caller! I'm a desperate husband! I need to know if you know what brand my wife uses!
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: So, you just called me to talk to me about another woman and what she prefers in terms of hygiene products?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Yes!
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: That's not the sort of thing women normally discuss unless they're at the gym.
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Well, what did she tell you the last time you were at the gym?
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: I don't go to the gym.
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
RAJ: (To HOWARD) C'mon, dude! I can't keep holding all these boxes! (Nods and smiles at more women passing by.)
HOWARD: So, you're telling me you don't know?
(Cut to: AMY.)
AMY: No, I have no idea.
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Okay. Thanks. (Hangs up.)
(Cut to: AMY. She is thinking.)
AMY: No, it's still going in my diary. (Begins writing.)
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is dialing another number.)
RAJ: Now, what, dude?
HOWARD: Hang on…
(Cut to: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. SHELDON is playing a video game. We hear several explosions. LEONARD is not there. His cell phone rings and he pauses the game. He is clearly irritated.)
SHELDON: Hello?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Sheldon! It's me. Is Penny there?
(Cut to: SHELDON.)
SHELDON: (Pauses. He looks confused. He scans the apartment and looks under his desk.) No. (Pauses) Should she be?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: I don't have her number. I was hoping she was there with Leonard.
(Cut to: SHELDON)
SHELDON: Well, she's not here.
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: Well, can you go across and see if she's in her apartment?
(Cut to: SHELDON)
SHELDON: (Getting up.) I suppose. (He moves to the door.) Do you mind telling me what this is all about?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: I need to talk with her about feminine hygiene.
(Cut to: SHELDON. He stops dead in his tracks.)
SHELDON: Come again?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: I need to know if she knows which brand Bernadette uses.
(Cut to: SHELDON.)
SHELDON: Oh. (Pauses) I see. (Pauses and starts to turn around) You know, maybe this isn't a good time…
HOWARD: (Filtered) JUST DO IT!
SHELDON: Okay, okay. You don't have to get so snippy about it! (Moves phone away from his ear.) I guess it's true they do become one after marriage…(Knocks on door.) Penny –
PENNY: (Other side of door) Who's the fairest queen of all?
SHELDON: (Confused. Knocks again.) Penny?
PENNY: And who is the most beautiful girl of all?
SHELDON: (Frowning) Penny?
PENNY: (Opens door energetically and smiles.) Hi, Sheldon!
SHELDON: (Deflates and sighs) Obviously, you and Leonard had coitus again.
PENNY: (Quizzical) What makes you say that?
SHELDON: Your demeanor is overly elated.
PENNY: (Sighs) What do you need, Sheldon?
SHELDON: It's not me. It's Howard. (Hands her phone)
PENNY: (Taking phone) What's he want?
SHELDON: I'll let him explain.
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
RAJ: C'mon, dude! I'm missing out on my blu-ray time!
HOWARD: (Turns to him) Hang on! We're almost done.
RAJ: But this is the one with the director's behind-the-scenes! They talk about how they did the special effects where the alien queen rips Bishop in half!
HOWARD: (Under his breath) I'd like to rip you in half…
RAJ: What?
HOWARD: Nothing! (Turns back to his phone) Penny?
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: (Still energetic.) Yeah, Howard. What's up?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: I need your help with something for Bernadette.
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: Sure! You buying her a gift?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. They exchange glances.)
HOWARD: Not exactly.
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: Ohh. (Pauses) Are you in some kind of trouble?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: More or less.
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: Okay, shoot!
HOWARD: (Filtered) I need to know if you know what kind of protection she uses?
PENNY: (Frowns) You mean like birth control?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: (Pauses) No, I mean like…you know…(Struggles to find words) … feminine protection?
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: (Frowning) You want me to tell you what type of tampon she uses?
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: (Closes eyes and sighs with relief) Yes!
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: (Shrugs) I have no idea!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is facepalming.)
HOWARD: (Quietly in frustration) Oh, my God…
PENNY: (Filtered) Don't you know by now?
HOWARD: No. It's not something we normally discuss, you know.
PENNY: (Filtered) Why not?
HOWARD: Because it's…it's…
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: What? Normal? Natural? Biological?
HOWARD: (Filtered) No! It's just…gross…
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON. PENNY is frowning.)
PENNY: Gross?
HOWARD: (Filtered) Yes!
PENNY: (Sighs and shakes head) I'll never understand this. You guys can watch the grossest, most disgusting movies about aliens tearing people apart, but you get all childish over something as natural and normal as a woman's period!
SHELDON: (Frowning and turning away) Oh, no!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. Both are grimacing.)
HOWARD: (Taking phone from his ear) Ohhhh…did you have to say that?
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: (Confused) What? Period?
SHELDON: (Disgusted) Oh, not again!
HOWARD: (Filtered) She did it again!
RAJ: (Filtered) Dude, you've got to hang up the phone!
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ.)
HOWARD: (Exasperated) Look, I just need to know anything you can tell me that would be helpful here!
(Cut to: PENNY and SHELDON.)
PENNY: (Smiling) Sorry, Mr. Wolowitz. You'll have to handle this rocket launch on your own! (Hangs up and hands phone back to SHELDON. He is still frowning. PENNY looks at him.) What?
SHELDON: Nothing. (Pauses) I'm going to go back to my video game. (Turns and begins heading back toward his apartment.)
PENNY: (Smiles mischievously) Sheldon?
SHELDON: (Turns) Yes?
PENNY: (Pauses) PERIOD!
SHELDON: (Horrified) Oh, no! (Runs back into apartment and slams door.)
PENNY: (Smiles to herself) Score one for the girls! (Closes door.)
(Cut to: HOWARD and RAJ. HOWARD is shaking his head and dialing another number.)
RAJ: Dude, what are you going to do now?
HOWARD: I'm throwing in the towel and calling in the big guns.
RAJ: (Horrified) You don't mean…
HOWARD: Yes. (Pauses) I'm calling my mother…
(Cut to commercial)
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