iBlame it on the Alcohol

an iCarly story

by: EmilyHelene

Disclaimer: Did you know I am a compulsive liar? I OWN iCARLY! I OWN iCARLY! Haha, just kidding. Neither of those statements are true!

(The Seddie Arc never happened in this particular universe (and it makes me so happy to need to say that! SEDDIE!)

Rated T for Language

Summary: "Please, I'm not some docile lightweight like you, dorkerella. Mama can take it."

"Yeah," I rolled my eyes at her, "that's exactly why you showed up at my door at three AM wasted out of your flippin' mind."

November 3rd 2:58am

15 Baron Street, Unit 2-B

Sam POV

I stepped out into the hallway of the second floor and searched for my keys, trying to remain at a standstill and failing miserably. Frustrated, I emptied the contents of my bag all over the ground and got down on my hands and knees. In all, there were four opened and half-eaten packs of gum, my cell phone and a bunch of random stuff that I had absolutely no explanation for. On a whim, I opened a pack of gum and lo and behold my key was tucked between two of the individually wrapped pieces. I am a genius.

I tapped my foot along to the rhythm of the Neon Trees song I had been listening to on the ride over here, annoyed that it was becoming stuck in my head.

Looking down to the end of the hallway, I realized nothing was familiar. Then again, who really looks at their hallway in depth? Though it may be hard to believe, I wasn't the type. That was more suited to the queen of the nubs himself, Benson. He probably had everything sorted into lame lists with titles like Immoblie Objects and Plant Life Under 3 Feet. I bet his mom bought him a new cataloguing system for it and everything! I snorted. Carly told me I should cut him some slack, but his mom had to have taught him that stupid rhyme about sticks and stones. Not that it was of much use when on the receiving end of my threats. I'll be honest, though. It took a lot of guts to take Mama's insults and Benson never backed down. Admirable, but still kind of stupid.

There were only two doors, both of which had little brass numbers attached to their surface, in the entire hallway and neither of them was labeled 304. I tried my key in the nearest one with unsuccessful results. I could already feel the room shrink, grown and stretch before my eyes. Reaching through my mess of curls, I retrieved a bobby pin and was just about to wiggle it into the deadbolt when the door opened on its own accord. Startled, I fell backwards, landing in the oh, so attractive ass first position. No style points for me tonight, that's for sure.

You'd be surprised but the first thing out of my face wasn't, "Why is there someone in my apartment?" or "Did I leave my door unlocked before I went out?" No. It was nothing as typical or sane as that. I'm sorry to say that my first instinct was to make fun of his nerdy Galaxy Wars t-shirt and plain and simply tell the boy at my door he looked like someone had beaten him with my buttersock and shown no mercy.

He didn't even bat and eye at my insults.

"Sam! What the hell?" His irises were huge, but slowly shrank as they became accustomed to the dim light of the hallway. His hair wasn't in its usual trap of a lame attempt at being Mr. Suave but instead flopped loosely over his forehead, brushing his eyebrows ever so slightly. Not sure why exactly I noticed this but looking back, people think and do stupid things when they're drunk. The Galaxy Wars t-shirt I had teased him about only moments ago was a faded green from having been washed too many times and featured a Red Skynaut ship with Fobi Zan Rinobi. It must have been from that Galaxy Wars convention he and Spencer went to a few years ago. On his face was a look of utter exhaustion, which overrode the confusion in his features completely.

Finally, after a few awkward moments of thick silence, I decided to address the elephant in the room. Or at least the one in my head.

"What are you doing in my apartment?" I demanded, the alcohol removing the anger from my tone. I hated that I probably came across as a giggly mess of girl. I inhaled deeply and my brow crinkled in confusion wondering why the hell the entire place smelled like his cologne. "Your nub stench is polluting my air."

He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me, as if examining my current state. "Excuse me?"

"I said, nub," –before shoving him once for good measure, though it was clear it had no effect on him-"What the hell are you doing standing in my doorway?" I tried to shove my way through, using nothing but brute force, but that got me absolutely nowhere. Freddie put both of his hands on my shoulders and steadied me, staring into my eyes so intensely, I became incredibly uncomfortable.

"Sam. "You're in my building." He released me and shook his head. "This is my apartment." I looked around the room and everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't recognize my surroundings because I wasn't in my building. There were only two doors because this place was a really old house that had been converted into a dorm. A dorm on Baron Street with the 24 hour deli on the corner. Benson's place. Well, shit.

Concern crept into his tone. "Sam, are you drunk?"

"…No, I'm like this all the time, Fredbag." I heard myself say.

To make my night even better I could feel my body slowly start to lose consciousness as the creaky oak floors of the hallway flew up to meet me.

November 3rd 3:04am

15 Baron Street, Unit 2-B

Freddie POV

Okay, so Sam shows up at my door at what, three in the morning? I didn't even know what time it was and I wasn't about to go and check a clock. Then she has the nerve to say that it was her house just before she blacks out and falls to the floor.

"Shit, Sam!" I cursed, moving quickly to try and catch her. I wasn't quick enough to stop her falling and her seemingly comatose body hit the ground with a painful sounding thud. I thought back to all of the times Sam has laid a beating on me or called me names or even when she threatened to "get me" after I handcuffed her to Gibby in the ninth grade. If I had been scared then, it was nothing compared to now.

I dropped to my knees and cradled Sam's head in my lap, brushing her wild mess of curls out of her face. I couldn't help but notice how peaceful she looked in this state. The way her mouth melded into the smallest, most gentle of smiles or how her breathing kept such perfect time. Until it stopped altogether.

"Sam? Sam! SAM!" I set her head back onto the ground as gently as I could. Then, in a mad panic, I raced across the hall and pounded on the door of 2-A. It took a moment, but finally after what seemed like an eternity, Cory opened the door with a less than enthusiastic expression on his face. He looked exhausted but he couldn't have been asleep. He was probably up studying or finishing and assignment like I was.

"Seriously, Freddie? What the fu-"

"I don't have time. She just passed out! Then she stopped breathing." I don't know what to do!" I seriously felt like a chicken with its head cut off, freaking out without even bothering to internalize it. Nothing my mom had taught me about safety and first aid seemed to make sense and my thoughts seemed almost as nonsensical as my rapid movements. I was freaking out.

"What?" He knelt down beside her and put his fingers to her throat, checking her pulse. It was very faint but it was there. "I'll be right back," he said before disappearing behind his door.

I sat there, staring at her in her party clothes. The way she was lying didn't leave much to the imagination and I quickly looked away, knowing that she'd kill me for even thinking about looking. It wasn't like I meant to!

I patted her cheeks quickly and spoke her name over and over.

"Come on, Sam. Wake-up. Sam! Come on, Puckett, please!"

I had never done mouth to mouth resuscitation before and I really didn't know how to go about performing on Sam. But I knew what might happen if I didn't and I was willing to risk having my head punched off if it meant saving her.

"Okay, Sam. If you can hear me, I'm so sorry about this, but I really don't know what else to do. You can punch me and beat me up as much as you want when you come around, okay?"

Quickly, I did 30 or so compressions on her chest, pushing with all I had in me. Then, just like my mom had taught me when I was seven years old, I pinched her nose with my fingers and leaned over, preparing to blow air into her mouth. My lips were a millimetre from hers when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

I moved away from Sam as quickly as my body would let me and turned to face Cory. I immediately noticed the bowl of water in his hands and didn't answer his question.

"You want me to dump that on her face? She'll kick my ass!"

"Dude, she's like tiny. And seriously hot." I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled to take the bowl from him and dump it over his head. Instead, I opted for a glare. "Sorry, man."

He raised his arms in defense as I took the bowl from him.

On three, I told myself.

One. I looked at her sleeping face once more, hoping that she'd wake up calmly. Two. Hopefully she wouldn't hurt me too badly if she found out I was only doing it to save her life. There was no turning back now.

I turned the bowl upside down and braced myself for the repercussions of my actions, heroic or not.

"Three."

Sam sat up with incredible speed considering and her eyes flew open as the ice cold water hit her face, soaking her. Almost as quickly, she raised her right arm, curled it into a fist and released it in the general area of my face. It hit my nose and I felt the blood flow freely and easily a millisecond later.

"SAM!" I groaned, holding a hand over my nose. The other flew out instinctively to protect me from anything else Sam might throw my way.

Her eyes hardened and she started to stand up. "I'm going to kill you."

"Jesus!" I cried, my heart rate picking up. I stood in front of her with as much confidence as I could muster and chose my next words very carefully.

"I just tried to save you! I'm sorry but what was I supposed to do, let you die?"

Her expression softened for a moment and I could tell that underneath it all, she was thankful. Getting her to admit that was about as likely as telling Carly that Sam had decided to dabble in vegetarianism.

Her flickered back to normal, or what is normally expected of her and did what she did best. Insult me. "Shove off, Benson."

I turned to Cory, deciding to deal with the person who was less likely to rip my brains out at this particular moment in time. Looking back, it was a very smart plan.

"Thanks, man."

"No problem. Just tell your girlfriend not to get so hammered next time." He laughed. I paled, worried about what Sam would do to him for assuming that we were dating. Fortunately for me, Sam's head whipped around at the sound of the world "girlfriend", but said nothing. Her anger seemed to have subsided.

"She's not my girlfriend." I said, hoping that I sounded tough, but I was slurring my words slightly in an effort to get them out faster, so I doubted that it worked. "She's my-"

"I'm his nothing," Sam broke in, her tone slightly slurred. As she spoke, her head dipped up and down, and she tried to articulate her words with a point of her finger, but it seemed more like she was directing air traffic. Despite having had water dumped on her, she still seemed a little… happy. She was smiling from ear to ear. "Fredouche here is in love with Carly! Carlaaaaay Shaaaay!" She threw her head up and laughed like this was the funniest thing she'd ever said.

Ignoring Sam, I turned back to Cory. "See you around. Thanks again."

"Yeah, no problem." He eyed Sam and I with interest, then continued as if he knew something I didn't, "Tough break there, Benson. I've got to get some sleep. Later." Cory disappeared behind his door, shutting it tightly. I exhaled a sigh of relief.

"Come on, Sam."

She laughed again,"Yeah, whatever nub. I'm hungry." I couldn't help but roll my eyes. If there was one thing I knew for certain it was that Sam Puckett was without a doubt the most frustrating girl in the world. And she made the strangest drunk.

A/N: Okay, for starters, I'M SO SORRY! I am the worst updater ever and also a total liar (though this was completely accidental)! I did not mean to take that long updating but I had some personal issues regarding the health of my family to take care of and unfortunately my fanfiction took a backseat. I'm back now (and hopefully better than ever) and hope to be updating much more frequently starting with this second chapter of what I hope to be about a five chapter story when it's done. My updates for this one might come slowly, be warned, because I have many possible endings and events that may or may not make the final cut.

Later on this week I hope to finish the final chapter of Travis Stoll, You Are SO Not Funny and possibly update According to Me. Also, I want to try to write some iCarly one-shots in the near future but juggling life might delay these a bit! Sorry, again! L

Don't despair Battlefield fans! I've got the rest of the story all mapped out, it's just a matter of writing the rest of the chapters!

That's all for now, guys! I love getting your feedback and try to message as many individual people my thanks as often as possible so please review! They mean the world to me, honestly! AND they make my day! (:

Thank-you all so much for reading, favouriting, subscribing and REVIEWING all of my stories!

Happy Writing,

EmilyHelene