It was still pretty much dark when Jane woke up, as usual. The things he felt were not usual at all. He felt rested. Content. Happy even.
Basically he felt like a normal person should feel on the weekend morning. Or like a normal man. One of his body parts that usually stayed still was now asking for attention. It had something to do with the petite brunette who was spooning him from behind. As she breathed out, her warm breath tickled his neck, raising goosebumps all over his body.
He breathed in slowly in vain try to regain control of his whole body. He must´ve tensed because Lisbon moved even closer and made an adorable little huff. That made the whole process even harder. Not just the process, so to say. Jane was glad that he was the small spoon right now.
Lisbon. In his bed. Voluntarily.
He still couldn´t quite believe that yesterday happened. That this morning is in fact happening for that matter. She was always able to surprise him, no matter how translucent she seemed to be, there was so much more under the surface.
And he loved that about her.
Well, not just that. All of her in fact.
A sudden realization hit him so hard he nearly jumped out of the bed and without Lisbon holding him in place he just as might. Happy and content feelings were transformed into panic quicker than a bullet leaving a gun. The realization, so simple, and yet so complex in it´s own funny way.
He loves her. With all his heart.
And it scares him beyond understanding.
His breathing became ragged all of sudden, an urge to leave, to run even made it impossible to stay in her sweet embrace. He wriggled out of her arms and run outside.
The air was cold and a bit moist from the morning dew as Jane tried to calm himself with some breathing exercises. It would have been more effective if the panic he felt was not making him pant hard rather then breathe.
He bowed down and put his hands on knees, just standing there as the darkness slowly transformed into dim light as the sunset started to set in.
"Jane?" he could hear her say with that half awake voice.
"You okay?" she continued but from the sound of it she stayed still, probably too scared to approach him.
This was a mess. He is and forever will be a mess. And Lisbon deserves the best she can get, not a broken piece of a man that he is. And yet he couldn´t handle the thought of her not being with him.
Not anymore.
"I am so sorry," he said with a ragged voice still unable to face her.
Lisbon sighed and went out, barefoot, the dew tickling her feet.
He felt her hand of his back and shivered at the touch.
"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked in that "cut the crap" voice and it made him chuckle.
"Can we have this little breakdown inside? My feet are cold and yours probably too," she said so calmly it made him feel a little better.
At least one of them knew how to remain calm and sensible during tight situations.
"Just give me a minute," Jane said still a bit bowed down with his hands still on his knees, a good position to hide his morning bodily function that seemed to be unaffected by the panic he felt.
"Okay," she said stubbornly but went back inside. Jane took a few minutes to regain control of his body which seemed to work quite well. Calming his mind, that seemed to be the main problem.
He might stay outside. He might even run away and let Lisbon figure out what happened. He might avoid her like he did so far. He might do all of those things.
Or he could just stop all this madness and go inside and see how things turn out.
With breathing back to normal, Jane made his first step forward actually wanting to move on.
Lisbon paced around the small kitchen making some tea just to keep herself occupied. Jasmine green for Jane, and gunpowder for her. She had no idea how gunpowder tasted but she liked the name.
She too had no idea what happened to Jane. Or better, she had tons of ideas, most of them catastrophic.
Their situation was complicated even without all of this. Maybe she should have left yesterday instead of sleeping in here with him. Even though it was the best sleep she had in ages.
She used to have a lot of nightmares during Jane´s absence which usually featured a lifeless body floating on cold dark water. When he was not in water, he was usually on her old CBI couch and she was unable to wake him up.
It did woke her up, almost every night, and she had to take a shower most of the times to get rid of the cold sweat that was covering her whole body.
This unpleasant dreams somehow faded when his first letter arrived, thus revealing that he is still alive somewhere. That night she slept good, with few shots of tequila in her system and a letter placed near her head.
She felt so relieved back then, like a giant stone has been lifted of her shoulders.
He was alive. He still is very much alive. And to prove this point Jane entered the Airstream looking like a troubled Adonis.
Lisbon nearly dropped her gunpowder tea when she saw him. No man should have such an effect on her and yet...certain Patrick Jane does. Even in his pajamas.
And by the look on his face, he was quite aware of the fact.
He even smiled a little.
"I made you some tea," she managed to say calmly but with shaky hands.
"Thank you," he responded trying hard to sound calm but failing miserable. Lisbon felt like she could see the real him for the first time in years.
A broken man, perhaps beyond repair, but still trying his best to hide his sorrow behind the mask of cheerfulness.
After having to live with a broken father who drawn his misery on her and his sons, seeing Jane, being able to smile gave her some sense of hope. Some sense of belonging she missed so much during growing up.
She loved that about him.
Well, not just that. All of him.
A shock run through her body as the realization finally hit her. For the second time today she almost broke one of Jane´s cups. Instead of letting it fall from her shaky hands she took a sip of it and made a face. It might have a good name, it even smelled good, but she just never understood Jane´s love for tea.
"It´s an acquired taste," she heard him say after a small chuckle.
"Yeah, right," she responded blankly, not knowing what else to say thanks to the shock she felt.
They both went silent for a while. Jane sipped on his tea enjoying it even though Lisbon made it differently than he was used to. Surprisingly it tasted heavenly. His cup was nearly empty and yet none of them has made a sound. Awkward silence turned into deafening one and Lisbon couldn´t handle the pressure anymore.
"So, are we going to talk about this, or...?"
Jane turned to face her as she was lost for words. Both actions terrified her, talking and at the same time not talking about anything. By the look on Jane´s face he felt the same.
"Well, basically you´ll need to get used to that sweet taste which is hidden just there in the tea -"
"I am not talking about the tea, Jane,"
"Ah, perhaps you want to talk the other thing then," he said and all the fake cheerfulness left his voice.
Lisbon watched him as he sat down at the bed. He then patted the small place beside him as an invitation. She rolled her eyes but followed him.
"So," she said, "what was that? A nightmare?" she asked with those green eyes locked into his. Beautiful green eyes full of concern.
"No," he responded, "actually it was the exact opposite," Jane said and shifted a little.
Lisbon raised her eyebrows at him.
"You freaked because of a good dream?"
Jane sighed.
"Not in particular, it´s not so easy to explain," he said even though it was easy to explain. For somebody normal, living a normal life. Like he used to live. Telling "I love you and never want to be without you" to Angela was easy. He meant it with all his heart and yet it was so easy to say.
As easy as losing her, losing Charlotte. One minute you are a father and husband and the next day somebody ask you to choose clothes in which they will be buried. If this does not mark you, nothing ever will.
So the fear he felt was more then real. It must´ve been because Lisbon scooted even closer and put her hand inside of his. Jane entwined his fingers with hers automatically, without even thinking about it.
"You´re shivering," she said, even though it sounded more like an accusation, and managed to pull one of the blankets over them.
Jane sighed in contentment. No matter how hard saying those word would be, no matter how hard it will be to make this work, being without her was even harder. He closed his eyes and let the truth out from his heart.
"I love you," he said quietly, his voice calm, shiver still running through his body.
He could hear her inhale a sharp breath but she stayed still, with hands still entangled. He kept his eyes closed, too afraid to look into her eyes for obvious reasons.
Lisbon managed to inhale sharply after Jane´s words. Such words should scare her and yet the only thing she felt was relief.
Finally.
Finally, she was allowed to say them back.
"I love you too," she managed to whisper feeling lightheaded. All the meaningless tension that was between them since his return from that stupid island disappeared. All that mattered was the man who was still shivering in her arms.
Jane opened his eyes because he couldn´t quite believe the words which escaped her mouth. Lisbon was staring back at him with a little shy smile, blushing furiously.
"You do?" he asked hoarsely.
She blushed even more and nodded.
"Well that´s lucky," he said beaming like she never seen him before.
She smiled back at him. No wonder he freaked out this morning. She was on a verge of a breakdown too. Tears which somehow appeared on her cheeks were the solid proof of it.
She felt bit of ashamed of herself for crying until she saw tears falling down Jane´s cheeks as well.
Jane let out a chuckle through his sobs and hugged her fiercely.
"We are bunch of fools," she said between sniffles and sobs.
Jane let out another chuckle, then remained silent for a moment.
"It wont be easy," he whispered into her ear all of sudden, and the sincerity and uncertainty in his voice made her shiver.
"I don´t care."
"But Lisbon, -"
Something cut him off. Something he was not ready to experience at all. Lisbon´s lips sealed his mouth shut. After being in a celibacy for more then a decade, something in him broke and even though he was fighting against it a small whine escaped his mouth, and Lisbon, prepared as always, used his parted lips to dart inside his mouth.
After that, he was not able to made one coherent thought.
He returned his kisses with passion he never knew he had.
It was intoxicating, dizzying even. Maybe it was the lack of breath, maybe the sensation all too strong to handle right now, he didn´t know.
But she tasted like tea and Lisbon and he just couldn´t get enough.
And it seemed she felt the same.
She did.
Lisbon too couldn´t get enough of him. A damn good kisser, this Patrick Jane.
"God," Jane managed to mumble during a quick drawn in breath pause.
"Yeah, I think we´re going to be fine," she said while trying to catch her own breath.
Jane, prepared for some more making out, chuckled loudly and Lisbon joined him.
"We´ll be fine," she said seriously, so determined that Jane actually started to believe in it.
Life is sometimes funny, and just when they were about to continue right where they´ve stopped, both of their phones started ringing. Jane let out a deep sigh as Lisbon turned to pick her own phone up. He was able to see the caller ID and it was just as he suspected. Abbott. He went to grab his own phone only to see Cho was trying to reach him.
A case.
Knowing Lisbon, Jane started to get ready.
The sooner it´s over, the better.
They have a lot to do afterwards.