a/n: Thank you so much to everyone for your sweet reviews! I can't tell you how great it is to read your words. They mean the world to me! Hope you all enjoy this next chapter!
Chapter 2.
She bites at her nails and jiggles her legs as the cab driver speeds down deserted streets. This isn't her. This worried, annoyed, frustrated, anxious person isn't who she is anymore. This isn't how her life should be. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for going out for a drink with her friends after work and she sure as hell shouldn't have to deal with someone who is constantly accusing her of having feelings for her partner.
She's done. She's had enough.
The conversation is coming and it's not one she's looking forward to.
Josh is a good man. He really is. He's just not for her. That's it. That's all there is to it.
He's not the one for her.
As she has this thought, another pops into her head. They're side by side. Josh and Castle. The man she's been in a relationship with, and the man Josh swears up and down is head over heels in love with her. The one she's not dating. The one Lanie and the boys and even the Captain are convinced is in love with her. But, he's Castle. And she…well. Deep down she knows. She knows how Castle feels about her and while she's been slow to admit it, even to herself, she knows she has feelings for him too.
It's not fair to Josh. It's not fair to Castle. It's not even fair to her.
Enough is enough.
The cab screeches to a halt in front of her building and she has to brace herself against the seat in front of her. She pays the man and looks out the window to see a light on in her apartment.
It's now or never.
She opens the door and braces herself for the conversation to come.
She takes her time, opting for the stairs over the elevator. She takes them one step at a time and tries to formulate what she's going to say to her boyfriend when she walks through the door.
She's lost in her thoughts, a myriad of emotions coursing through her veins as she tries to reason with herself as to how she's gotten to this point in her life. How she goes from one nowhere relationship to the next, content on the outside, yet everything but on the inside.
She doesn't even realize her feet have carried her to her hallway until she hears a door open and sees Josh's head pop out.
"What took you so long? I saw you walk into the building at least five minutes ago." His hands are on his hips and there's a dishtowel draped over his shoulder. It doesn't take her excellent detective skills to put two and two together and realize he'd made her dinner tonight.
When she doesn't respond, he continues. "Did you have fun with your writer?" His face says it all. Everything he's told her since they started dating, the absolute loathing he feels for her partner etched in every line across his face.
Beckett closes her eyes to take a deep breath and keep from lashing out. When she opens them again, Josh is gone. She sighs and moves through the open door of her apartment to see him washing the dishes.
"Josh," she starts, but he holds up a hand to stop her.
"I really don't even want to hear it, Kate."
"They're my coworkers, Josh. Ryan, Esposito, Castle, Montgomery. They were all there. It was a tough case - "
"They're all tough cases, Kate," he interrupts, a scowl on his face.
Her blood is beginning to boil. Yes. They're all tough. Murder is grisly. Spending your days hunting killers and fighting for justice isn't exactly fun, well, unless Castle's around.
But she's not going to admit that to Josh.
"You're right," she concedes. "They're all tough. And every one of your patients is important. We have two demanding jobs, and we never get to see each other."
Josh snorts. "Why do you think I came over to make you dinner?" He gestures to the table and the heaping plates of chicken covered with mushrooms. He never could remember that she hates mushrooms.
Castle does though. Castle takes notes of her life and does all that he can to make her happy.
But she needs to stop. She needs to stop comparing them. Especially since there's absolutely no comparison.
No comparison at all.
"I can't do this anymore," she blurts out suddenly, unable to hold it in any longer.
Josh just stares at her.
"I can't keep having the same fights with you. I shouldn't have to explain myself for wanting to unwind with my team. All we do is fight. I'm just – done."
The doctor says nothing. He snatches the towel off of his shoulder and tosses it in the general vicinity of her kitchen sink. It seems to fall to the floor in slow motion, wafting through the air before finally landing, completely unnoticed by Josh.
He turns on his heel and heads for the door, only pausing momentarily to grab his phone and keys from the counter. He stops at the doorway, then turns suddenly to face her.
"One day you're going to see I was right," he tells her with a slight shake of his head. And then he's gone. Without another word.
The door slams behind him and she finally sinks wearily into a chair.
It's been a long day. That conversation (if you could even call it that) was not an easy one, but at least now she's admitting to herself that there's something to her friendship with Castle.
She reaches out, grabs the bottle of wine Josh left on the table, and pours herself a glass. She feels herself take what feels like the first real breath she's had in months. She's – free.
And she's done hiding.
She tries to clear her mind. Tries to allow herself to relax, but the moment she closes her eyes she sees his face. The grin that reaches his startlingly blue eyes and that quirk of his eyebrow that shows he's trying to get her to smile.
He knew she needed that time tonight with her friends to unwind. And she saw in his eyes that he knew something was off after her phone call with Josh.
He always knows.
Always.
It's their word. The unspoken 'I love you' that neither will say or even admit. But it counts. They know it does.
She rakes a hand through her hair and sighs. She just has to get up the courage to talk to him. She has a feeling that once they actually start talking, things will just happen. But it's the whole talking about things that actually matter thing that they have trouble with.
They have to get there though.
She thinks back to their group leaving the precinct, arms wrapped around one another, singing, enjoying life despite the fact that they work with the dead every day. Castle has done that. He's given not only her, but their whole team a different perspective. He's the reason they have fun.
She considers the lyrics to the song. On one hand she thinks it would be nice to just have this bottle of wine, turn on some music and forget about life for awhile. She could forget about her break up, murder, her mother's case, hell – even Castle.
But, what good would that do?
She needs to be different. She needs to stop hiding and take action.
She glances at her watch, and notes that it's just past midnight. He might still be up.
Before she even realizes what she's doing, Beckett tucks her phone into her pocket, grabs her jacket and keys and heads out the door.
She hails a cab and is rattling off his address before she can change her mind.
She doesn't know what she's going to say, or what she's going to do. All she knows is that she has to try.
She has to try and explain herself. She has to show him that she wants to be with him. More than anything. She just wants to be the woman he deserves.
She just hopes he'll listen. She hopes he'll understand.