Act 2, Scene 1

POLONIUS: Okay, Reynaldo, I want you to go to France and spy on my son, Laertes.

REYNALDO: Sure thing.

POLONIUS: Question his friends.

REYNALDO: Absolutely.

POLONIUS: Pretend to be distantly acquainted with his family.

REYNALDO: Gotcha.

POLONIUS: Pretend to have heard some faintly bad things about him.

REYNALDO: Check.

POLONIUS: Just some little things…like gaming, fencing, swearing, fighting, carousing, drinking, whoring, you know, the usual.

REYNALDO: …Come again? Wouldn't that…be bad?...

POLONIUS: Pish tosh.

Exeunt Reynaldo.

Enter Ophelia.

OPHELIA: Eek!

POLONIUS: What happened?

OPHELIA: Hamlet was just now in my room, looking like he'd seen a ghost –

SOME ANNOYING KID IN THE AUDIENCE: Rimshot!

OPHELIA: He rushed toward me with his clothes practically falling off, and put his hand out toward my face with his clothes practically falling off and kept it there for a long time with his clothes prac –

POLONIUS: I get the picture.

OPHELIA: He left eventually, looking at me over his shoulder.

POLONIUS: He must be mad for your love.

OPHELIA: I hope—uh, fear so.

TEENAGERS IN AUDIENCE: Hamlet sweats Ophelia! Har!

POLONIUS: Well, I guess I was wrong. He must actually like you. Go figure. Unfortunately, he's been driven crazy by now, so we can't actually get the two of you together.

OPHELIA: Shit.

POLONIUS: Well, we better go tell the king and queen that the prince is crazy.

OPHELIA: If you weren't my dad I'd totally slug you right now.

POLONIUS: What's that?

OPHELIA: If I weren't so sad, I'd totally hug you right now.

Act 2, Scene 2

CLAUDIUS: Ah, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern. Glad you could make it. See, the thing is, Hamlet's gone weird.

R&G: Didn't his dad die two months ago and you just married his mom?

CLAUDIUS: Yeah, but that can't be it.

GERTRUDE: The reason we asked you here is because you and Hamlet have known each other forever. You're pretty close, right?

R&G: Yeah…

CLAUDIUS: Great. Well, we'd like you to start hanging out with him, get him drunk, stuff like that, and tell us what he says.

R&G: Hmm…obey the king, filial loyalty, obey the king, filial loyalty…There's not enough pressure here! Okay, okay, we like our lives the way they are, so we'll do it.

CLAUDIUS: Awesome.

Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

CLAUDIUS: Hey, Voltemand, what news from Norway?

VOLTEMAND: The senile uncle arrested Fortinbras. No worries.

CLAUDIUS: Sweet. How now, Polonius?

POLONIUS: The heir to your throne is bonkers.

CLAUDIUS: I KNEW IT! I mean…what makes you think that?

POLONIUS: Just listen to this letter he sent my daughter: "To the celestial, and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia"

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: ………………

GERTRUDE: What's so wrong with that?

POLONIUS: Have you seen my daughter?

GERTRUDE: Yes, she's quite –

POLONIUS: My cocker spaniel is more beautified. Anyway, I told her to stop seeing him, and she may be ugly, but she is loyal to her old dad. Anyway, I think it drove him silly.

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: You may be right.

POLONIUS: Of course I'm right. Okay, here's the plan. You know how Hamlet walks around the great hall brooding a lot?

CLAUDIUS: Yeah, I don't get that.

POLONIUS: Well, we're going to hide behind a tapestry while he does and then…we'll set Ophelia loose.

GERTRUDE: I just felt a prescient chill down my spine. I'm not sure this is a good idea.

CLAUDIUS AND POLONIUS: Women.

HAMLET: enters

CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: scurry off

POLONIUS: Hey there, Hamlet old buddy, old pal!

HAMLET: aside Oh, dear Lord.

POLONIUS: You remember me, right?

HAMLET: Yeah, you're that fishmonger, right?

POLONIUS: I'm, uh, actually, the, uh coughprime ministercough.

HAMLET: Whatev.

POLONIUS: So…whatcha reading?

HAMLET: Slanders. The satirical rogue says that old men have grey beards and wrinkles. Weird, right?

POLONIUS: aside He's really gone daft! Well, I've gotta go.

HAMLET: Thank God.

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

ROSENCRANTZ: HAMLET!

GUILDENSTERN: HAMLET!

HAMLET: ROSENCRANTZ! GUILDENSTERN!

Much chest bumping and reminiscing ensues.

HAMLET: So what brings you to prison?

R&G:…………..

HAMLET: Denmark. Prison. Prison, Denmark, Denmark's a prison.

R&G: Oh!

HAMLET: So…what brings you here?

ROSENCRANTZ: We just came to visit you.

HAMLET: Are you sure?

GUILDENSTERN: Absolutely. Why wouldn't we be sure? There is absolutely no reason for us to be not sure that we came here to visit you.

HAMLET: So…you weren't sent for?

GUILDENSTERN: There is absolutely no reason for us to be not sure that we came here to visit you.

ROSENCRANTZ: Very smooth.

HAMLET: No kidding.

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay, look, your uncle did send us to see what's up with you, and then to tell him.

HAMLET: All right, then, I'll just go ahead and tell you. My dad died and I'm freaking depressed.

GUILDENSTERN: Makes sense.

ROSENCRANTZ: I think so.

HAMLET: has an emo moment Man delights me not.

R&G: snicker

HAMLET: No, I was not referring to women, you perverts.

GUILDENSTERN: Why, no! No, that's not snicker what we were snort thinking…

HAMLET: rolls eyes

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh, by the way, there's a traveling troupe of players in town.

Enter Polonius.

POLONIUS: Hamlet, I have news!

HAMLET: Me, too. Green is the new pink.

POLONIUS: There's a troupe of players in town.

HAMLET: Bring 'em on in.

Enter players.

HAMLET: Hey guys.

1ST PLAYER: Hey yourself. I mean, Your Majesty.

HAMLET: Say something pretty.

1ST PLAYER: proceeds to give a classic monologue

POLONIUS: halfway through monologue This is too long.

HAMLET: Yeah, well, so's your beard. aside to 1ST PLAYER Can you guys do one of your plays for us tomorrow?

1ST PLAYER: Sure thing.

HAMLET: If I were to insert a dozen or so lines in there, could you memorize it and make it work?

1ST PLAYER: Psh. Don't insult me. Of course.

HAMLET: Great.

Exeunt everybody but Hamlet.

HAMLET: Just in case nobody else in the audience gets what I'm planning at this point –

SOME ANNOYING KID IN THE AUDIENCE: Trust me, if we don't our English teachers do!

HAMLET: Shut up, it's in the script. As I was saying…I'm planning to reveal my uncle's murder of my father in the play, to see what Claudius' reaction is, so I'll know for sure if he really did it. On another note, I'm feeling pretty bad about myself, but what really – what else is new?