Disclaimers: JKR still owns it all. I write AU/OOC...if you want canon you picked the wrong story.
Dear Doctor Ruth...
Chapter 2:
The first thing Draco Malfoy did after waking from the healing coma was to start screaming for his mommy. His house elf showed up instead. The house elf, acting on orders from Narcissa, took him straight to the bathroom so he could take care of his personal hygiene then informed him that he was to dress for dinner and join her in the family dining room. Draco found nothing odd in this because neither his mother nor the damn elf ever listened to what he wanted anyway…
Draco greeted his mother with a kiss on the cheek before sliding gracefully into the chair the elf escorted him to. The next several minutes were devoted solely to sating his appetite. Since he had received no nourishment except nutrition potions since his accident no mention was made regarding the enthusiasm with which dinner was decimated.
Narcissa waited until they had retired to the parlor and Draco was comfortably seated before broaching the subject. With all the style and finesse of a seasoned social brawler, she inquired, "So, Draco, just what the hell were you trying to prove when you accosted Potter and his friends on the train? Especially since you knew you were going to get your ass handed to you!"
Instead of the tirade she was expecting, Narcissa was subjected to watching her offspring lick his chops and while shuddering delicately murmur, "Potter's arse! Yummy! Mummy, please tell me every little detail!"
"Did you just use three exclamation marks in one paragraph, Draco, or did the author get carried away with her grammatical inferences?" Narcissa inquired instead of answering his question.
Draco giggled delightedly. "A little of both I think."
"OH?" Her eyebrow raised.
"Mummy, stop teasing and tell me what you know about 'the Harry incident' on the train."
"From what the medi-wizard who attended you said, you are lucky to be alive from the combination of all the charms and hexes that hit you. When I found you on the train you looked rather like a giant slug. Rather than dealing with the stress of changing you back, my original thought was to sell you to Rubeus Hagrid as an exotic pet. But then I remembered he likes that French giantess and worried that they would eat you as an entrée before one of their orgies…"
Draco flinched. "Thank you, Mummy, for having me fixed instead."
"Speaking of fixed- there is something that you should know now that you are awake and coherent enough to understand the medical procedures that were inflicted on you in the interest of saving your life."
Draco calmly stared at his mother. "Please, Mother, I know that you cast the Veela Awakening spell on me. I was comatose, not in a coma. I could feel the different magics as they were either placed on me or removed from me the whole time."
Narcissa ducked her head to hide the blush. "I am sorry, Draco, for not giving you the option of saying no."
Draco giggled. "Don't worry about it, Mummy. It will just be our dirty little secret. And, since I already knew I was gay and that I fancy Harry Potter, well, this makes things so much easier for me. You help me get my man and I won't tell Father that you did the unforgivable spell."
Narcissa's smile was back in full force. "I was thinking that you might want to come with me tomorrow to the Day Spa. I found a particularly nice one located in the town of Greater Whinging. It is a modest sized hamlet in Surrey. Far enough away from Wiltshire that we should not be recognized, and close enough to Little Whinging that we might hit their High Street and take in the sights."
"I would love to spend the day with you at the Spa, Mummy. What time do you want to leave here? Oh, and what should I wear?"
"I like the way Samayel dressed you when she wrote A Long Way from Home. 1 Pink leather pants and a midriff bearing top does SO scream summer 'camp'! I wasn't too keen on the lip piercing but the naval jewelry was a nice touch."
"So I will need a manicure, a pedicure, and a facial at least right?"
"Just do the excess body hair removal charm before we go out and we can work the other bits in as we think of them."
Draco went back upstairs to his suite humming softly. His house elf heard him and could not help but comment, "Master Draco! How many times has your father told you that if you hums that you is to hums I'm in the money, not roll me over in the clover do it again?"2
1. Awesome story found on fanfic...
2. An old Clover Butter commecial 2002.