Xx_Loot_xX led them to a wooden hut in the middle of the forest.
"This is it." Said Arthur "The sacred stone expert is here."
The door opened and Lyon stepped out.
"I thought I told you two to stop coming here." Said Lyon "Oh Hi Erika, Ephraim."
"Hey Lyon."
"U_Know_This_Bloke?"
"Yeah he's a prince and also our friend." Said Erika.
Lyon nodded.
"The two of us go way- THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT WILL QUENCH MY THIRST- back."
"So you're the sacred stone expert Lyon." Said Tana
"Is that supposed to impress me?" Asked Innes "(because it totally does)."
"I've done research into sacred stones before and I can help you fix your kingdom's stones." said Lyon "It's simple really, first you must-BRING ME A THOUSAND VIRGINS- Find the magic keystone in the desert, after that you must perform the ritual of the five kingdoms using the sacred relics. And then finally you must make the ultimate selfless sacrifice, only then can you fix the sacred stones."
"Wow thanks for the help Lyon." Said Erika "You're such a good friend."
"Is that all I'l ever be Erika, a friend? What if I wanted to be more? What if I wanted to stay by your side as a lover, to unite our kingdoms in marriage... to be together forever..."
Lyon realized nobody was listening to him as they were distracted with support conversations with the exception of Seth who was irrelevant.
"*Sigh* some day Erika... someday I'll -LAY THIS WORLD TO WASTE- tell you how I feel."
"Well guys, let's go to the desert and find the keystone." Said Ephraim.
"Can we come too?" Asked Arthur
"I_Want_2_B_relevant_In_The_Story." Said Xx_Loot_xX
"Sure things." Said Erika "We needed a healer and a mage anyways."
"Sw33t"
Xx_Loot_xX and Arthur have joined the party (insert crosshairs and air horns here)
"Let us not waste any more time!" Said Ephraim "ONWARDS!"
The party went to the desert.
The party wandered the desert miserably.
"Oh god I forgot how much desert levels suck in Fire Emblem games!" Said Erika "Why are they always in every game for some reason..."
"Even my Sue powers are useless on desert terrain." Said Ephraim. "Tana can you rescue me since you aren't affected by the terrain?"
"Yeah just stay right behind me." Said Tana in the most non platonic way she could without making this story M rated.
But before that could happen a squad of mercenaries and their leader: Red haired mercenary man rushed in.
"There they are!" Said Red haired mercenary man "the royals of that kingdom we're trying to take over! Let's destroy them!"
"Not so fast!"
Joshua emerged from the sand and adjusted his hat.
"Wait are you my son or something?" Asked Red haired mercenary man "We look suspiciously similar."
"I might be, or perhaps I am Joshua! The mysterious and charming blade master with a serious gambling addiction that's putting me further and further into debt every single day!"
"I'm confused." Said Arthur "Is the mercenary guy trying to kill us?"
"Do not harm these fine travelers or else I will show you my true power of blades!" Said Joshua
"Then where's your sword?" Asked a mercenary
"I don't have one." Said Joshua.
Joshua threw his hat at the mercenaries, causing sawblades to emerge from the hat and cut down every mercenary except Red haired mercenary man.
"Okay that was actually kind of cool." Said Ephraim.
"But violence is bad!" Said Erika.
A dying mercenary crawled over to Erika
"Please save me... I sorry for my actions and I-"
"Ew Spider."
Erika curb stomped the merc's head, finishing him off. Joshua caught his hat and put it back on.
"Now Red haired mercenary man, time for me to exact my revenge."
"Revenge for what?" Asked Red haired mercenary man
Joshua shrugged
"I dunno, killing my mom or something."
"Wait! He might know where the keystone is!" Said Ephraim.
"Uh yeah I totally know where that is." Said Red haired mercenary man
"Tell us where it is!" Said Innes.
"I'll tell you if you kill that guy with the hat."
"I have a Name you know!" Shouted Joshua
"Well so do I but you don't see the author using it do you!" Shouted Red haired mercenary man
"Oh that's all, yeah I can do that." Said Ephraim as he drew his Lance.
"You will? Wow I didn't think that would work." Muttered Red haired mercenary man
"Yeah I mean I barely know the guy and you have valuable information. Fair trade." Said Ephraim.
"Brother no!" Erika shouted
Erika got between Ephraim and Joshua.
"He saved our lives! We can't just kill him in cold blood."
"We actually could have taken care of ourselves." Said Tana "I mean the help was appreciated but..."
"No we can't kill him!" Said Erika "Ephraim put down the lance and Xx_Loot_xX put down the fireball!"
Xx_Loot_xX frowned and called off her fireball.
"Fine_..._I_Guess_I'll_Go_Drink_A_Mountain_Dew_or_Something."
Ephraim shook his head.
"I don't like this guy beloved sister who I'm proud of AND NOT ATTRACTED TO. The way he rose from the sand all dirty was absolutely... d-"
"HOLD YOUR CATCHPHRASES!"
L'arachel rode in on her horse, posing dramatically as her steed came to a halt.
"I L'arachel have come to smite evil in the name of god and anime!" She shouted "Now you red haired mercenary man! Your end has come!"
"It's L'arachel! Our old friend from childhood from another land!" Shouted Tana
"But L'arachel! Your a healer! You can't fight!" Said Innes
"Things have changed Innes!" Shouted L'arachel "I have learned to master a new form of magic unlike anything you've seen before! Now behold the might of my steel tome!"
L'arachel pulled out a modern day handgun, chambered a round and shot Red haired mercenary man in the knee, sending him onto the ground.
"AH! My knee! You shot my knee! Oh gods this hurts!"
"Justice has been served!"
"This is perfect L'arachel!" Said Erika "Now we can interrogate him for the location of the keystone!"
L'arachel gave the group a solemn look.
"There is no keystone" said L'arachel.
"HUWHAAAAAATTTTT?"
"That's the real reason I'm here." Said L'arachel "Lyon has deceived you all."
"Yeah it's true." Said Red haired mercenary man "I was ordered by him to mbush and murder all of you with the exception of Erika... okay did you put salt on the bullet because this wound stings."
"But Lyon would never betray us!" Said Erika in disbelief "He's our friend!"
"The Lyon you know is no more." Said Joshua "He's possessed by an unspeakable evil or something. Either that or hes very mad about that 4th Power Puff girl they're adding. I bet it's the second thing."
"Wait there's more!" Said L'arachel "You see Lyon's kingdom is also responsible for breaking the stones in the first place and he's holding the secret to fixing them, in his castle."
"Well in that case we'll get our answers from the source." Said Ephraim "If Lyon is deceiving us then that would be absolutely..."
Ephraim took a deep breath.
"D
I
S
G
U
S
T
I
N
G."
Tana swooned once more
"Yeah let's go to... crap what was the name of Lyon's kingdom?" Asked Innes
"I dunno, Nohr?" Said Red haired mercenary man "Ow this bullet wound stings."
"Yeah Nohr!" Said Tana "Let's go there and fix our stones!"
"Be warned my friends, once we arrive we'll have to get through his four dragon generals." Said L'arachel
"Uh I'm a general." Said Red haired mercenary man
L'arachel pointed her gun at Red haired mercenary man's head and finished him off with another shot.
"Three dragon generals."
"That's probably not the actual name for them but yeah let's do it!" Said Arthur
Xx_LooT_xX finished her Mountain Dew and nodded.
"Yeah_Lets_Crush_Th0se_Dastards."
"Please allow me to accompany you." Said Joshua "My bladed hat is yours to command."
"I don't know, we kinda have a lot of units already..." said Ephraim. "Do you have any other talents?"
"Does losing all my money in a bet count as a talent?"
"Maybe but what else do you got?"
"I have a Crunchyroll premium account."
"Crunchyroll!? You mean the anime streaming service that brings all your favorite anime to your tv computer and mobile device?" Said Ephraim "Including great titles like Boku no Hero Academia, Toradora, and Kobayashi's Dragon Maid!?"
"The very same." Said Joshua. "And if you use the code FESS you can get a free 30 day trial."
"Well this changes everything Joshua, welcome to the team!"
"I think you just ruined the continuity with that advertisement." Said Erika.
"And L'arachel coming in with a gun didn't break continuity?"
"True..."
"ITS A STEEL TOME GET IT RIGHT"
I wrote this entire story in an evening. There were so many other things I could have done with my time but I wrote this instead. It's bullshit but do you know what else is bullshit? Oscar in Fire emblem heroes. He has nothing new to bring to the table: no new skills, no new weapons, just pain. And why does the banner only have three characters? Why not a full and balanced four? And where is Zihark? I want more myrmidons in this game.