This chapter goes out to Kirby-chan, since I promised her a story with no pink. No pink whatsoever. Not even a pink smoke bomb. And no references to video game characters that bear a passing resemblance to a Pepto-colored gumball. None at all. But if I keep going like this, I might not be able to help myself.

Disclaimer: Me no own Detective Conan. Wah!

P.S. The following story is technically true. Well, mostly technically. Depends on your version of technically. And MinionRoboto is the name of my laptop.

...What? Like I'm the only person who's come up with a corny computer name? Sorry, not buying it.

Here it was, nine o'clock on a Friday night, and instead of reading fanfiction like she normally would, DireSphinx was stuck in gate A33 at the Cincinnati International Airport. She had been stuck at gate A23 up until an hour ago, but apparently the flight delay caused a gate change. She just wanted to get to Arizona – so what if there was a tornado warning in Houston? She needed to get to Tucson asap! The DBF competition demanded it! Can't she just get a different flight? Oh nooooo. The powers that be would much rather have her spend another five hours sitting on her butt in the terminal, with its overpriced drinks and candy begging to be eaten. Eat me! screamed the chocolate. Eat me! Oh, how she wanted to give in.

But not at those prices. Sigh...

Might as well work on some fanfics.

Finding an open electrical socket in gate A27, (the only open sockets just had to be in the empty gates a good two hundred feet away) DireSphinx plugged in her laptop. After waiting the requisite ten minutes for her computer applications to load, she scrolls over to her OpenOffice icon. But before she can double-click, a white gloved hand drags the pointer away. DireSphinx tries to scroll her arrow back. The hand lobs it into the recycle bin. She glares at the hand.

"Kid, what are you doing in my laptop? I thought I got rid of you."

"You did." He jumps out in a spray of confetti, which litters the background. That'll be a pain to clean. He wipes the confetti from his shoulders. "You got rid of the original Kaitou Kid. I'm the new and improved Version 2.0."

"Version 2.0?" Can there be such a thing? But wait, he is a manga character. The laws of physics need not apply to manga.

"Yep! I'm smarter, faster, tougher, and more handsome than the original Version but with all the cockiness and ego you know and love. But unlike Version 1.0, I come equipped with Vengeance Mode! Prepare for your defragment, foul piece of machinery! I shall have my revenge! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Sigh. "Alan warned me that something like this could happen. MinionRoboto, implement program Kidproof."

Darts fly out from the screen in every direction at Kid. He might be quite the little acrobat, but Kid can't dodge a 360° angle of attack. One sinks into his neck. "What the hell is this?"

"My new anti-kaitou firewall. Whenever a manga character pops up on my screen, my laptop identifies the intruder and renders them defenseless. You should be proud. I had Alan name it after you."

He plucks the tiny white dart from his neck and examines the tsking jokers decorating the sides. "Cute design. But what does this dart do?"

"Weren't you listening? I said it identifies all intruders and renders them defenseless."

Kid looks himself up and down and pulls out his card gun. "It seems your little program didn't work. I'm certainly not defenseless." An ace flies out and hits the right edge of the screen. He smirks. "I can still wreck havoc with your hard drive."

"Ah, but that would cause your collar to self-destruct."

"Collar?" He runs his hands along his neck, where a leather choker has been fasted above his scarlet necktie. "When the hell did this get here?"

"When you were knocked out by the tranq dart."

"I don't remember being knocked out!"

"Well duh, you were knocked out. You wouldn't remember it. What's with you today? Usually you're more on the uptake. Did someone hit you upside the head again?"

"Noooooo..." Kaitou sulkily replies while rubbing a spot under his top hat.

Sure, like I'll believe that. Aoko must have gotten him gooooooood.

"She did not hit me!"

Oh yeah, the mind-reading thing. Shouldn't forget that. "MinionRoboto, implement program Tinfoil Hat." Ha! Now you can't read my mind!

"Tinfoil Hat?"

"It works in all the movies."

"Touche." Kid tugs at his choker. "So what do you mean by self-destruct? Does it make me turn purple or something?"

I do a little smirking of my own. "Nope, I'm afraid there's no purpleification. Ever read any novels by Koushun Takami?"

"Not that I can think of off the top of my head. Why?"

"Oh, no reason."

Kid gives me a look. Within two snaps of his fingers, he's popped open a Linux browser and is typing in Koushun Takami into the google search engine.

DireSphinx stares. How the hell can he get the internet on my computer? What about the six dollar connection fee? He'd better not have charged that to my credit card. And when did I get Linux? ...ALAAAANNNN...

While she's pondering Kid's bypassment of airport fees, google finishes running its search. A picture list of novels appears before the Kaitou Kid. One particular novel in red and black takes center stage. Kid's face turns pale.

"BATTLE ROYALE!?! You stuck me with a collar from Battle Royale?!?"

"Yep."

"Why? This thing could kill me! Blow my brains out! End my thieving life forever! For the love of kami-sama, why?"

"Because I'm evil and sadistic and I've always wanted to try this on someone."

I've shocked him into speechlessness. Wow, I think that's a first. DireSphinx waves her hand in front of her screen at the frozen thief. "Yoohoo, you okay?"

That breaks him out of his trance. "What kind of writer are you!?!"

"An evil and sadistic one," she says with a smile.

Kid slowly edges for screen right. The terror in his eyes is plainly seen behind the monocle, and DireSphinx can't say she blames him for his fright. t...If I were stuck in one of those collars, I'd be going nuts. Good thing he's not wearing a real exploding collar. But he doesn't have to know that.

She swallows a chuckle. Evil and sadistic? Oh yes...

Fed up with his snail-like pace, Kid makes a break for the edge. (Run, run, run as fast as you can, you'll never escape the laptop of DireSphinx-chan!) But instead of racing past the black border, Kaitou Kid reaches out with both arms and pulls. Two sharp tugs later, Hattori Heiji flies onto the screen. Rubbing the sore spot where his body crashed against the bottom border, Heiji turns on the grinning thief. "Yo Kid, what's the big idea? Why'd you drag me here of all places?"

His grin turns into a smirk stretching from ear to ear. "MinionRoboto," Kid breaks out in a perfect imitation of my voice. "Implement Program Kidproof." Darts come shooting across the screen in Heiji's direction.

"Wha-?" Heiji's out before he can blink.

...Oops. Okay, next time be more specific. DireSphinx turns on the cocky thief. "Hey, that's not fair!"

"Nope, sure isn't. But that's the way it is. I figure you can't kill off the two of us."

"Kill? Whaddaya mean, kill!?!" That dart wore off fast. Must be his hot-headedness.

"Oh look, Heiji's awake." Kid happily supplies. If his grin could get any wider, it would need its own area code.

Heiji glares at the masked magician with the full fury of the frozen tundra. Icicles start to form upon the screen. Umm, I'm no leet haxor or anything, but that can't be good. I'm sorry Minion-kun, but there's nothing I can do. Forgive me! His biting words hang suspended on the chilly monitor.

"Kid, what did you do?"

Kid shivers under the pile of snow raining down on his person. Unfortunately, his smirk has yet to disappear. "I just brought you here to act as my collateral. See, DireSphinx-san here has in her possession a computer program capable of keeping me from corrupting her hard drives and generally creating utter chaos."

Heiji raises an appreciative eyebrow in my direction. "Smart girl."

Kaitou nods his head. "True. There's just one problem. If I don't behave, I die."

"Ouch. Sucks to be you."

"Don't you mean 'us'? Because unless I need to get my monocle examined, it seems to me you're also wearing one of these horrid little death traps."

"Death traps?"

"Familiar with Battle Royale?"

"...Oh shit..."

Dark-skinned hands clutch at a leather collar. "Why did you have to drag me into this?"

"I figure if I bring you here and subject you to the same torture I'll be forced to undergo if I don't behave, she won't have it in her itty bitty black heart to kill us both. And if not, well..." He shrugs.

"...well? What's this well?" Heiji grabs Kid by his lapels. The blaze of his anger is slowly thawing out the ice storm. Thank goodness.

"Well, it's...well...well...you want the real answer or the BS one?"

"The truth please."

"...if I die you're going with me..?"

Silence.

"...What!"

What? "You'd kill Heiji?" My Heiji-kun? "You bastard!"

"I prefer to be called kaitou, but whatever floats your boat."

Heiji looks at Kaitou like he's mad, (the jury's still out on that one) and turns his imploring gaze on DireSphinx. "Why do I have to wear one of these collars? Couldn't you just take it off me?"

"Hey, that's cheating! No fair asking for deferential treatment!"

"Shut up! You're just mad I thought it up first."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Ha! See, I'm right!"

"Argh! Die by scarfy death!" Kaitou launches a multitude of linked scarves at the Osakajin. Heiji attempts to bat them away, but soon finds himself buried under a pile of multi-colored silks. Muffled cursing soon issues forth.

"Kid, was that really necessary?"

"Was it not necessary?"

DireSphinx sighs. I'm doing a lot of that today. Dragging the cursing mound to the recycle bin, she drops the burden into the trash can icon.

"You're gonna delete Heiji?" Kid asks in mock falsetto horror. An unholy grin stretches from ear to ear. "Can I help?"

"No." Opening the recycle bin, she drags the Heiji icon back onto the desktop. He burst onto the screen with a beep looking relieved. Then DireSphinx drags Heiji's shirt back into the recycle bin and clicks delete. Oooooh...pretty...

Heiji eeps and attempts to cover his chiseled chest with his baseball cap. Embarrassed outrage mars his handsome features. "Why'd you delete my shirt?"

"Because I can." And the view's so much nicer without it. Kaitou snickers. "You want me to take away the hat and monocle?" He blanches. Heiji perks up. All upset at the loss of his shirt is wiped away. ADD much? Reminds me of one of my favorite T-shirt slogans. 'People say I'm ADD but they just don't unde – ooh look! A chicken!'

"Can we really?" Heiji's question bursts through DireSphinx's thought processes. Taking a moment to recall her previous words, she glances at Kaitou Kid who's doing a fair imitation of a tree, leaves and all.

So we're resorting to the tree maneuver? How the mighty have fallen. She smirks. "I might, if he doesn't behave."

Heiji pouts while Kid lets out a sigh of release. The leaves go back into hyperspace, or wherever those things go when Kid sends them away. "Well now that that's over," Kid breaks out in the silence, "perhaps you can let us go?" He tugs meaningfully at his collar. Heiji catches the motion and rage blooms across his features. He lets loose a snarl. He really is ADD. Or PMS-ing. No one should have that short an attention span.

"Yeah, I want out of this thing NOW!"

DireSphinx gives an apologetic smile to Heiji. "I'm sorry Heiji, but I can't. If I take the collar off of you, then I have to take the collar off of Kid. And you know what that means..."

They both direct their stares to Kaitou Kid, who jauntily shuffles a card deck and smiles. Heiji knows the answer, but he has to ask. "Kid, if she removes the collars, would you promise to behave?"

"I never make promises I don't intend to keep."

Heiji sighs. "So your inability to follow the rules and behave is going to get me killed?"

"Yep."

"And there's no way for me to get out of your punishment?"

"Right again."

"Okay, who designed this system?"

"The people at Microsoft." DireSphinx helpfully supplies.

Heiji stares. "That just figures." Kaitou lets loose a self-satisfied cackle. Heiji rounds on Kid and breaks into one of his rants.

"Out of everyone, you had to choose me? You couldn't choose Kudo, or Makoto, or some minor character? Why not Hakuba, that annoying uppity know-it-all? No one mourns the British – Japan would be a happier place without him. I'd be happier without him. And Makoto's only there for the fans to pair Sonoko up with. She's rich enough – she could find someone else. Why the hell me?"

Kaito graces Heiji with a shark grin. "No one would miss the village idiot."

"I-idiot! Who you callin an idiot thief?"

"The man with the stuttering vocabulary."

"St-Stuttering?...why I oughta..."

"You oughta? Tsk tsk tsk. That's not even proper grammar. No wonder everyone agrees you're at the lower end of the mental spectrum. I have it here on proper authority that an alarming number of readers view you as less than intellectually competent."

"Says who?"

"Says everyone who matters." Kaitou Kid opens up a web browser. Fanfiction dot net is proudly displayed on the screen. He beings to speak. "According to this schematic," a set of pretty charts pops up "the number of fics in which the main character (that's you Heiji) is made to be idiotic in direct correlation to the number of fics in which the main character is made to look sane is quite staggering." Kaitou takes his baton and points to the graph which displays the number of Crack!Heiji fics versus Sane!Heiji fics. Crack!Heiji fics trump Sane!Heiji two to one. "It's not just me. All these writers think you're an idiot."

Heiji stares at the graphs. "Is this some sick joke?"

"I assure you the graphs never lie. Cake however, is another story."

"Cake?"

"The cake is a lie."

"Right. And all your base are belong to us as well?"

"Exactly."

Heiji just shakes his head and looks back at the data on prominent display. He pokes the graphs with his bokken, hoping they're nothing more than pretty paper. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

"Why does everyone assume I'm an idiot?"

"Well, it's not like it's hard." Did I say that out loud? Looking at Kaitou Kid's Cheshire grin, DireSphinx mentally groans. I did. Oh shit shit shit shit shit.

Heiji's jaw drops. "I can't believe you just said that!"

"I can't either."

"Well I can."

"Shut up Kaitou!""Shut up Kid!"

"Oh, what is this, pick on Kaitou Day? I thought it was Make Fun of Heiji and His Idiotic Tendencies Day."

"Kid, I'd shut up if I were you." Heiji's face was starting to turn an alarming shade of red.

"Why? It's not like he can hurt me. If he attacks me, he'll suffer the same fate as Tsukioka Sho. I'm safe."

"You know, I don't think Heiji's all that concerned with self-preservation." Both glance to the left at Heiji, who's sharpening his bokken.

"Aren't bokkens made of bamboo?" she asks Kid.

"...Yes."

"Then isn't he just making a lot of splinters? What's he gonna do, attack you with toothpicks?"

"Apparently. See? Mentally incompetent."

…

"I wonder why he's being so quiet."

"I know," Kid agrees. "It's kinda creepy."

"Think he's plotting something?"

"Without a doubt."

"Think I should stop him?"

"Please."

And with a double-click, Kaitou Kid is hanging down from the top edge fettered a la Spiderman. He attempts to break free from his sticky bonds. "What the – Hey! What's the meaning of this?"

Heiji looks up to DireSphinx. "Thanks. I owe ya."

"Anytime, Heiji-kun."

"You're in cahoots with this ahou?"

"Certainly. He doesn't try to sabotage my electronics."

Kid pulls out the puppy dog eyes. "What did I do wrong?" He pauses. "Okay, I know what I did wrong, but is what I've done wrong worth being slung upside down like a country ham?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"If I apologize, will you let me go?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

DireSphinx glances down at Heiji, who's back to sharpening his bokken. "Heiji, is it ready?"

"Just a sec...yep! All done!" He holds aloft the mutilated bokken.

"What are you doing to do with that?" Kid asks.

The lady smirks. "Well you see, I have this theory..."

"Oh kami-sama, not another one."

"Hush." She pokes him in the arm with her cursor. Cards fall to the ground left and right. "In every situation you encounter, you always have some trick up your sleeve which allows you to save the day."

"Well of course I do. I'm the hero."

Heiji snorts. DireSphinx muffles a smile. Righttttttt. "Well, as the 'hero' you must have a lot of gadgets and gizmos stashed away if you're prepared for anything."

"Yeah...Like the Boy Scouts, I like to 'Be Prepared.'"

"So if you have all these magic tricks and cool weapons on your person, you must also have candy!"

"...What?"

"You know, candy? Chocolate, gummies, caramels, taffy, jellybeans, candy bars, jawbreakers, tart and sour, teeth-rottingly sweet, the whole nine yards? That sweet sugary goodness kids can't get enough of? Candy!"

"I know candy. But why would I have it on me?"

"You're prepared for every situation right?"

"...yes?"

"Then what happens if you're caught in the cross hairs of a birthday party?" Or stuck in an airport terminal with minimal funds? "Think about it. What, or where, does candy come from?"

"The candy fairy?"

I wish. "Consider your position. Consider it very carefully."

Kid looks at DireSphinx like she's crazy (which I probably am after a five-hour flight delay) then to the bokken in Heiji's eager hands. Then at his precarious position hanging from the top of the screen. Horrified comprehension blossoms across his poker face. "...NO..."

"Oh yes. Heiji, remember the blindfold." He pulls out a handkerchief from his back pocket and happily ties it across his eyes. Then with bokken in hand, assumes the batting position.

"On my mark Heiji. One...Two..."

"I AM NOT A PINATA!!!!"

You are today Kid.

Heiji lifts up one edge of his blindfold. "Lady, you are recording this right?"

"Of course Heiji-kun. An event this momentous has to be recorded for future posterity."

Kaitou 1412 wriggles back and forth in a vain attempt at dislodgement. "This is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"No, cruel and unusual punishment would be if you were only filled with black licorice. Ugh, I hate that stuff."

"You won't get away with this!" screams Kid for all he's worth. Good thing I remembered the headphones halfway through. That might have actually been heard by someone.

"Heiji, you plan on ratting us out?"

"Nope."

"Then I think we're good on this end. Besides, who'd believe the word of a thief?"

"Traitors!"

"...to a thief? Is there such a thing?" she asks Heiji.

"Not that I'm aware of." We both nod and turn to the thief.

Kaitou Kid is at an utter loss. He shifts his pleading face from DireSphinx to Heiji, hoping for some small grain of mercy. Seeing none, he sighs and whimpers in a pitifully sad voice, "Just put me out of my misery."

"With pleasure."

WHACK!

"Ooooh, 100 Grand Bars!" Two or three actually fall out of the screen into DireSphinx's lap. She eagerly snatches one up and voraciously attacks the packaging. Chocolate! And I didn't have to pay a dime! Wonder if Alan can write a callback loop to reroute Kid when that time of the month rolls around...

Heiji nudges the pile of sugary goodness with one sneakered toe. "Candy bars named for large amounts of cash? Makes sense – he is a thief."

"True." DireSphinx waves a hand to the candy mound. "Chocolate bar Heiji?"

"Nah, I'm lactose-intolerant."

"You poor dear."

"I know."

"What about me?!?"

"What about you?"

"You hit me! You hit me and made me bleed chocolate! How could you hit me? And why isn't Heiji dead yet? Doesn't this violate the Kidproof program?"

"Ah, but that only applies to attacks against my computer or myself. There is no stipulation against one manga character attacking another."

"That's not fair! I'm calling my lawyer!"

"If I give you a candy bar will you forget this ever happened?"

"You think you can bribe the Kaitou Kid?"

"It's 100 Grand."

"Gimme!" Kid starts violently swinging from his trap in a futile effort to get closer to the chocolate bar dangling just out of reach in Heiji's hand. I think he's having a little too much fun taunting Kid.

"Well, that was easy." Who knew all you had to do to get Kid off your back was offer him chocolate?

Heiji's not quite convinced. "Should we have given him sugar?" Watching Kid bounce off the edges of the screen in a post-orgasmic chocolate high, DireSphinx shrugs.

"It doesn't matter what we do to him – his collar's on a timer. In approximately fifteen seconds he'll be sent off to sara-chan's instant messenger address."

"That's evil."

"I know. More chocolate?"

"Lactose-intolerant."

"Oh yeah, sorry." DireSphinx looks at Kaito inhaling the chocolate bars. "...does this count as a case of cannibalism?"

Think about it: If a pinata bursts and eats the candy that falls out, isn't that cannibalism?

And with that thought, DireSphinx bids you goodnight.