Cal sat at his kitchen table for the last two hours staring at the three fingers of Scotch he had poured for himself when he got home. He had changed into some sleep pants and a t-shirt, but that is all he had been able to accomplish since he walked in the door. He went through the whole conversation with Gillian in his mind, trying to remember every look, every expression, every word, every micro expression. He had been tempted more than once to check the tapes from the office, still considering it truth be told. He knew it was a big leap to go from partners and best friends to asking the woman to marry him, especially with no warning in between. When he was talking with Emily about how he felt about Gillian, he knew this is what he wanted. He wanted all of her and he knew that there wasn't a part of him he wanted to keep from her. He loved her. He loved her intelligence, her kindness, her compassion, her wit, her….he couldn't even think of anything he didn't love about that woman. He wanted chocolate pudding and orange slushies even the mothering/smothering and yes he even wanted her to know all his secrets. That self revelation scared him more than anything else. What if she found out all his secrets and was repulsed by him? He hadn't taken this long to get to this point without a very good reason. She knew more about him than just about anyone, but to be willing to allow her to know anything and everything...that was...lets just say that he wasn't sure he could survive her rejection.
Again, she was intelligent, funny, fun, beautiful, sexy, kind, compassionate, loving, and for the past ten years he had taken advantage of all she was willing or allowed to give and shoved it into the once hollow part of his heart he didn't know he had until she started filling it. Over the years she had started taking up more and more space in his heart. In his thoughts. She even invaded his dreams on a regular basis...sleeping and waking.
It wasn't like Cal Lightman to be this insecure about women, but there were women and then there was Gillian. What if she didn't want to know all his secrets? What if she didn't want him when she learned them? What if she was repulsed? What if all she wanted was to be partners and friends? What if he totally screwed that up and she didn't want to be his partner or even his friend any longer…
A knock on the door brought him out of his downward spiral. He got up to answer automatically, drink in hand. He really didn't want to be disturbed while he wallowed in his own misery. He quickly opened the door only to find the object of his desire standing in front of him.
Gillian looked at him. He was annoyed. Well good. So was she.
She saw his countenance instantly turn when he realized it was her. She wasn't so sure this was such a good idea. What on earth was she doing here. This did seemed like such a good idea when she was smoothing on her lotion after her bubble bath. When she was sipping her wine, when the revelations started, when she got dressed and called the Lyft guy, but now her bravado was slipping away. She was about to apologize for intruding, but then she looked down at what he was holding, glass of scotch, and she got annoyed all over again. She grabbed the glass and downed the liquid as she pushed her way into his home.
He inhaled deeply as she passed, turned on as she downed his drink, but it was the special blend of Peaches, honey, and spice that he had given to her for Christmas. The smell itself did things to him when he had taken a whiff of it in the store, but on Gillian, it made him want to bury himself in her. Surround himself with her sent. He wanted to feel the softness of her skin that the accompanying lotion would give as well.
"I almost took you seriously this afternoon." She stated
She was pacing. Gillian didn't pace often. Pretty much angry or worried. He wondered which it was at the moment. Either way, he knew it was his fault, but then he got distracted by the pale pink stilettos peeking out from under her long coat as she went back and forth.
"About getting married?" he asked. Then crossing his arms saying, "Good because I was serious."
"How can you even say that? Do you know what I was doing before I came here?" she went on before he had a chance to answer "I was having a nice relaxing bath with my favorite bubbles. Which, by the way, you gave me."
A little part of him jumped for joy like a lovesick teen whose crush liked something he gave her. He was pathetic.
"I was also drinking this fabulous wine, which had come with the basket with the bubbles. Again, from you, although I know you didn't pick it out. You would never pick a wine that good or that expensive. So I figured you had some help. That you actually took the time to find something I would really enjoy. Then I remembered all the women in the office got a similar Basket. What was going on Cal, did you just want your own little harem? Then of course I vaguely remembering Em stating that she and Zoe got a Basket each as well. So in the space of very little time, I went from massaging in the most divine cream into my skin to being pissed."
She had stopped pacing and was looking at him with her soul filled eyes. He saw hurt and sadness and a sense of betrayal in her face. He could see the tears she didn't want to let fall. That look broke him. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for this woman...
"Now I was just fine until this afternoon. I was your business partner and best friend, but otherwise nothing all that special to you." she softened a little "I still loved the gifts, but I was one of many." and the hurt was back in her eyes.
She paused to catch her breath then raised her voice as she started pacing again. "Then you go and ask me to marry you…and my thoughts go back to the gift…and how I'm not even special enough to warrant my own gift this past Christmas. Mine was just one of many. How can I even consider marrying someone that can't even bother picking me out of the crowd?"
Cal's head was spinning. How could she think...how could she not...how could...good grief now he was thinking in fractured sentences. Not to mention he really did try to concentrate on what she was saying, but she was pacing back and forth in his living room. When she downed his scotch all blood rushed to his groin and his brain was having a hard time keeping up that she was pissed at him. Because he gave everyone similar baskets to hers. Didn't she notice hers was significantly bigger than the rest? Didn't she notice the extra gifts?
Suddenly he found himself a little pissed that she didn't notice and now that he though about it, a lot pissed that she drank his scotch out of his hands. He could have really used that drink at the moment. When he would waxing poetic about her attributes he forgot maddening. "You have it backwards love." he spat back at her a bit harsher than he wanted, but she stopped pacing.
"Really, how is that?" she got in his face but all he could concentrate on is the way she smelled. When he smelled it the first time in the store the first things that came to mind were Gillian and sex. "You didn't get a basket because everyone else did….everyone got baskets because you did."
Gillian cocked her head to the side quizzically
"I put a lot more thought into yours and I didn't want you to know exactly HOW much more thought I went into your gift over everyone else's. So all the women in my life got baskets. And if you noticed no one else got the same scent or even by the same company. Wasn't even bought in the same store. It is a limited edition and I bought all they had at the store after the first time you wore it. I bought the other baskets at some bath and body store and with the exception of Emily's, I had the store lady pick out everything for the prices I gave her. But yours, yours I thought about. I imagined you in the bath with the bubbles all over you, and knew you needed candles, so I got you candles. In this imagining you were having a glass of wine so I had to get a wine I knew would like even though I don't understand why people like wine. But you got wine. And of course what is a nice relaxing bath for Gillian Foster without a good, trashy romance novel. I looked at them, but I'm totally clueless, hence the reason you got a gift card" He took a breath and studied her face in and went for broke.
He saw her eyes go round that that revelation. "I never realized that having you wearing it at the office was going to be so distracting, Sometimes you aren't even in the room anymore and I can still catch that scent. I thought always having a semi hard on around you was bad, but lately I been walking around with my hands in my pockets imagining Loker naked so as not have a full boner all day."
He looked at her, studied her face. He didn't know if the faint ghost of a smile was good or bad.
Without taking her eyes from his, she untied her jacket and let it fall from her shoulders. He watched as the dark fabric pooled around her f***me baby pink heels. She waited until his eyes made it back up her body and it still took a moment to decipher her words. "So, no one else got one of these?"