Whatever else I might be
Chief Medicals Officers Personal Log
Odan is gone and I am debating wether to be sad or glad. The last weeks with him were incredible. I felt so alive like I had not for years. I felt totally liberated from my life as a Starfleet officer. I love my job, I love being a doctor, I love working with Starfleet and I love being on a Starship, especially the Enterprise, but those last weeks opened my eyes to how restricted my life had become.
At least my private life. No lover. No easy living. No lingering in bed. No kisses in the turbolift..
She smiles and pauses to let the images of her and Odan pass before her inner eye, when they had almost been caught by Data. Wonderfully innocent Data! Everyone else would have noticed the minute he or she had entered, but not Data. She shook her head. Data was special to her. Ever since their dancing lessons she had a feeling they somehow connected.
... almost like teenagers. Is that what I want? Be free again to live on love and sex? I don't know. I don't think so. I am too old. Well maybe not too old, but truth is, there actually is so much more. In a way Odan reminded me of Jack more than anyone. Maybe not Odan, but the way I felt like flying above the word.
But humans don't fly, and life with Jack was far from being perfect. Most of the time he wasn't around, but when he was, we were flying. Still, I started to be missing something. I couldn't name it then, but now I know it was something going deeper: foundation. I now wonder wether Jack and I would have survived. Time come, would we have been landing smoothly or would we have been falling, crushing on the ground.
I feel shattered now that is Odan is gone, but than again, it was me sending him away.
She looked up in direction of the viewport without noticing time before continuing. She shook her head and looked at the framed picture of her husband standing on her desk. She took a deep breath when
reaching over, to touch the frame. Then all of a sudden, not knowing why, she took the picture and shoved it into the drawer of her desk. Struggling with what had happened during those last weeks, especially the last few days she couldn't take Jack's face. Good old Jack!
Did I love Odan? I told Deanna I did. It felt right. It felt darn good.
Her voice took a sarcastic pitch.
Or perhaps too good to be true!
She shook her head again.
But it had to end. When I found out that Odan was not the Odan I started falling. Too many question, too many doubts and no place to cling to. Free fall from way high above the clouds I had been wandering on. Shattered I stood up again, pulled myself together and tried again.
She stood up and stared pacing her quarters.
I cannot believe I had sex with Will Riker's body! Stupid stupid Beverly! It might have been all Odan, but it was Will's body. I play Poker with this guy, I work with him, he is my best friend's ex.
She wildly shook her head.
I am not even attracted to him. Well he is certainly not bad looking, but there never was a spark. He is like a younger brother. Stop Beverly! You are making this worse! Will Riker! I know it was Odan. It felt like Odan, but I cannot get over that it was Riker's body. I cannot believe myself going through with it. I had kept my eyes shut most of the time and it felt like Odan, but it was Riker's beard tingling and scratching me into reality again. I guess it was then, I knew that it will have to be over, that I could not have a lover, that is a parasite and that has changing hosts!
How can I face Will Riker again. He says he has no memory of what happened during the time Odan was inside. Do I believe him? Yes! But I do remember! Oh Beverly, what did you do to yourself?Stupid stupid girl! You are not sixteen any longer. You should have known better than letting yourself be ruled by your hormons.
When I saw the woman who was to become host to Odan I was sure, I will have to end it now. In the Academy I had a beautiful friend. Her body was gorgeous and she was surely having all eyes on her wherever she walked in. But she was only interested in women. And I had never been interested in women. One night we got utterly drunk and walked into her apartment arm in arm. We started to kiss on the sofa, but as soon as we both took off our shirts, we started giggling at the absurdity of what was happening. She knew and I knew. We fetched a bottle of brandy and watched an old fashioned movie instead.
End Log.
She gets up and starts to pace her quarters and starts to mumble to herself.
"A parasite and Will Riker! How could I! The only thing worse would be an ancient ghost or perhaps a unicorn?"
She laughs at herself and continues pacing her quarters wondering wether she should rather go to the gym or Ten Forward. Or should she seek out Deanna after all? She shakes her head.
I
"Deanna! Yeah, maybe talk about Will?!"
She lets herself fall on the sofa and slides down to rest her head on the back of the sofa. What kind of stupid designer made those sofas anyways. She takes a deep breath. I cannot stay alone here. It is driving me crazy. Ten Forward? How high are the odds meeting Will Riker there?
She gets up and grabs her sports equipment. It's late. She will probably have the gym all to herself. She hopes, she will! She will get herself sweaty and take a sauna afterwards. Taking the quickest way, she is lucky to not meeting anyone on her way.
She hurries herself up and dresses into tight black knee-long leggings and a light blue skintight tank top. Still debating the mess she had gotten herself into, she enters the gym not noticing the other person. Having entered far too much to retreat, she notices the rowing machine in full action. She stops dead in her tracks sighing.
Why of all people is he here in the middle of the night. She stares at him. He is wearing a grey loose fit tank top and black shorts. Sweat is glistening all over his muscular arms and legs. He looks amazing.
"Whatever else I might be to you" ... the words ring in her head like a bell. Whatever else are you to me? Friend-yes! What about the else? Captain, Commanding Officer, breakfast companion, diner companion...? Whatever else are you to me Jean Luc?
Turning to great her, Beverly notices that she had not made a move, since she had entered the gym. How long had she been standing and staring at him. She wouldn't know. He smiles and says something that doesn't reach her brain. She smiles back trying to find something clever to say, but cannot think of anything. She waves her hand and starts to walk in direction of the cross trainer.
Unfortunately it gives her a good view on the rowing machine. Jean Luc continues rowing and she cannot take her eyes of his muscles moving under his skin. "Whatever else I am to you." That question again. If you ask me right now? A fine example of a human male. Sexy, arousing, ... Stop it Beverly. He is your commanding officer! But yes-if it weren't that way, I probably would go over and see to getting involved. Not only for his looks right now. Why is my heart racing. Must be the work out. Don't kid yourself Bev! It's him!
The question however is: Whatever else am I to you Jean Luc? Have you ever thought about that. Of what could be if..? Are you considering..? What am I to you appart from CMO, breakfast companion, friend, widow. How do you see me? What do you see in me. Whatever else?
She keeps staring musing over him. He slows down and gets of the rowing machine and quickly looks into her direction. He smiles at her. What do you think Jean Luc? What do you think of me now? Looking at me all sweaty and in a mess. Inward and outward! What were you thinking, when I dated Odan? Did you notice, that I spent the night with Will Riker's body? Oh I hope not. The Parasit was embarrassing enough. Will Riker was beyond embarrassing. Not Will of course but this whole mess of course.
She smiles back, as he nods approvingly. He turns and starts to stretch his adorable body. She closes her eyes, but she cannot stop looking at him. Closing her eyes only makes it worse. So she opens her eyes again to watch him.
What am I to you Jean Luc? What is it I would want to be? Lover? Companion? Friend? If things were different... there is so much in our way. There is attraction between us that is burning like fire when we let down our guards. There was from the beginning and it never died. I love talking to you, discussing nothing and everything. We never run out of things to talk about. I cherish your opinion, your thoughtfulness, your carefully chosen words. And of course your voice, such a voice! And she know he loves her fierceness, her being straight forward. They simply work so well together.
She closes her eyes again. When she opens them again he is gone out of her sight. Where did he go? Did he leave without saying goodbye? She couldn't believe he would do that. She felt her heart drop. Whatever was she to him? Probably less than I thought she muses. But than he reappears, carrying two bottles. Coming to stand in front of her, he smiles widely and hands her a bottle.
„I thought you might need some water."
She smiles back at him and grabs the bottle.
„Thank you. That was very attentive!"
Jean Luc shakes his shoulders. She thinks he might say his goodbye now, but he just keeps on standing there in front of her, watching her. She takes a sip of water and continues moving. As he still does not move, she starts to feel uneasy. Whatever else I am to you. The words keep on haunting her. If .., if things were different. But they aren't. They are who they are and things will not change. But if things will not change does it mean that we never... she tried to push that thought away. No. That is not fair. Starfleet cannot rule our personal lifes. Maybe we should simply..
Be rational Beverly. This is not the time nor the place. This will just be running from one disaster into the next one. And you are not even sure: Whatever else is it, I am to him? The way he looks at me however, well that is definitely not the way he is looking at any other crew-mate. No Beverly! Stop thinking like this! What are you doing here still Jean Luc Picard?
Picard does not show any intention to leave. He does not talk either, he simply stands there, watching her and musing over something. She doesn't know what to make of it. When Beverly finally decides she had had enough she gets of the cross trainer. He picks up the towel she had carelessly flung over the machine next to her and hands it to her. Ever the gentleman, she thinks. Yet another point I love about him. She doesn't know, what to do next, so she took a sip of water and nods with her head in direction of the shower.
"I guess I need a shower."
He nods and smiles, but says nothing. Having waited for him to say anything in vain, she starts to slowly walk towards the shower. As if being woken from a dream, he moves forward and gets hold of her upper arm slowly turning her around. She looks surprised.
"What..."
His eyes lock hers and he lets go of her arm.
"Wait."
She nods. He grabs his towel and they move towards the showers together. Not wanting to separate yet, she says, regretting her words instantly.
"I had planned on taking a sauna. Want to join me?"
What was she thinking saying that? What was he thinking! He must think she has gone totally crazy. But he doesn't seem to be embarrassed nor does he consider it a weird idea.
"I had actually been meaning to ask the same."
Five minutes later they both step out of the different showers simultaneously. Beverly had wrapped a huge towel around herself to reveal as little as possible. Jean Luc had done the same. They sat in the sauna in comfortable silence, towels wrapped around their bodys, carefully avoiding to look at each other. And Beverly notices, that this was yet another important quality she needs to add to the list: comfortable silence. She actually feels a lot better sitting half naked next to him on a wooden bench than sitting on her sofa earlier.
Well, of course not looking at him makes things easier! Not seeing his really, really nice body, not hearing his deep voice that makes her neck hair stand up, all that helped. She takes a deep breath. Just thinking about him makes her hear his words again.
He slightly turns his head to look at her.
"Do you want to talk about it."
Beverly keeps on staring. She lifts her shoulders and lets them fall down, again feeling as if all power had been drained from her. She doesn't know what to say.
"You mean about how I made a fool out of myself for losing my professional eye or for getting involved with a parasite?"
She tried to sound sarcastic, but she didn't.
"You fell in love! There is nothing foolish about that."
She turned to look at him.
"He made me feel so free and easy. I have not felt like this in years. Or make that a decade or more. It was like when I was young."
She reached over and grabbed his hand.
"But I am not young anymore. I am not that person anymore. I am grown up. I thought l loved him, but I noticed I didn't. Or rather I did love how he made me feel. But that is not enough."
He looks down at her hand not knowing what to say. He feels slightly uneasy but turns his hand and starts to fold his fingers around hers. When he looks up again he sees, that she stares straight forward again. He brushes his thumb over her hand and she looks back into his eyes, debating what to say next.
"I think I need to get out of here."
He smiles and opens his hand. She slips her hand out of his and gets up. Slowly heading for the door she turns around once more, looking him in the eyes she smiles.
"Thank you Jean Luc."
They meet again when exiting the locker rooms. Beverly wouldn't admit it, but she had been keeping her ears open to hear what was going on in the room next to her. Luckily the designers had followed the advise of scientific papers that being surrounded by soundproof rooms was as unhealthy as being surrounded by noise. So the walls inside the gym were perfectly imperfect.
In silence they walk along the corridors towards Beverlys quarters. When she doesn't turn around to say good night he takes the invitation and enters behind her. She stops at the replicator to get some tea while he is taking his place in the small living room. She puts the tray on the sofa table, slips out of her boots and gets comfortable on the sofa. The moment she lifts her eyes to look into his, she hears his words again.
She grabs the cup of tea to distract herself or rather to hide behind the rim.
"What are you thinking about the whole time Beverly?"
She tries to take a sip of tea to gain time, but it is too hot.
"You are not thinking about Ambassador Odan, that even I can tell",
He continues reaching forward to grab his cup. His eyes are warm and gentle. She looks into them and sees all he is. She sees his friendship, his caring, his patience and something more. Is it his love for her? But there is also a hint of hurt in his eyes and she knows why.
She sighs. She places the cup back onto the table in between them and pulls up one leg to hug her leg.
"Jean Luc,"
He places the cup back on the table and moves forward. Leaning his arms on his knees he is closest to her as he can get in the chair opposite the table.
"You said: Whatever else I might be for you, I am your friend."
She had looked into his eyes, but now she needs to look down again to gain courage. She swallows hard and Jean Luc notices, how she is fighting to get something out, that she had been holding back so long. Something she had carefully sealed inside her heart for so long.
"But you are so much more. You are my rock. The one person I can ultimately trust and rely on. The one person I know could never hurt me. The one person I could trust with everything."
She looks up. She doesn't trust herself. She reaches out her hand towards him. Jean Luc stands up and takes her hand into his, tenderly caressing the back of her hand with his thumb.
She smiles.
"Could you just hold me?"
Jean Luc opens his arms and she slips into his embrace. Her breathing gets even and she notices how good it is just to be with him. How all of a sudden just having his arms around her fills the empty spaces in her. She moves even more in his embrace to hide the tears slipping from her eyes. A shoulder to cry on she should add to her list, but these are not tears of sadness but tears of release.
The closer she moves the tighter he wraps his arms around her, wishing she would never leave. Wishing to not only touch her body but her soul. He is so desperately trying to get this right. He allows his face to get lost in her hair, to breath in her sweet scent and to even kiss her hair. He is almost astonished that she doesn't move away then.
Whatever else I might be to you. He starts to think about those words. He starts to memorize the words she had said and the feeling of holding her. And he wonders when he will be able to tell her whatever else she is to him. He swallows hard, thinking about all the sweet feelings, he is having for her. But now is neither the time nor the place. Now he is her friend and her rock. And for now this will have to do. He can feel her steady breathing and although, he had been holding her for what seems to be an eternity, there is nothing awkward to this situation.
After a good while Beverly starts to move in his arms and he starts to lose his grip. She looks at him smiling. Her eyes puffy from crying, but full of love for him. She caresses his arm and takes his hand.
Her voice only above a whisper she looks him straight in the eyes.
"I guess you better should be going."
Jean Luc nods.
"I guess you are right."
They slowly get up and she walks him to the door. Just in front of it she grabs his hand again, stopping his movement. He turns around.
"Now is not the time, but one day, I will tell you whatever else you are to me."
He nods.
"And I will tell you all the things you are to me."
She moves closer. Reaching up to his face he brushes her hand over his cheek.
"Thank you Jean Luc."
He brushes a strain of hair out of her face and cups her face tenderly stoking her cheek with his thumb. She swallows hard. It would be so easy and right just to get lost in him now. But she is wounded and he deserves more than just to help her in a weak moment. She moves out of his touch and grabs his hand instead. She squeezes it.
"I'll see you for breakfast", she whispers.
He nods and smiles.
"I'll be waiting for you."
They part knowing that his words meant so much more. That they held a promise that he will be there waiting. And that they will explore whatever else they are to each other when the time is right.