Admitting she was in love with Eric was the first step, but the first step towards what? She'd always been good at compartmentalizing. Putting everything and everyone into their own little box with a label. Horatio – Colleague and friend. Ryan – Colleague and friend. Jake – Lover/Ex-boyfriend. Eric Delko had always been labeled as co-worker, but prominently as "best friend." In Calleigh-World, mixing business and pleasure was a no-no. It could lead to complicated, messy situations and she tried to keep everything as uncomplicated and un-messy as possible. She admitted it. She was a bit of a control freak. But growing up in the situation she'd been in, an alcoholic father and apathetic mother…didn't leave a kid with many options. Eric made her feel out of control. His feelings and more specifically, seeing his words, the confession of his heart and soul on paper, left Calleigh feeling panicky. And now, realizing she'd been in love with him for God knows how long, deepened that panic. She'd been in love before. Jake. Before that, Adam, her college love and the man she'd almost married. But neither of them nor any of her other relationships had involved men she'd been close friends with. She'd tried that in high school and lost friendships over sex and the inevitable break-up. She didn't want that to ever happen again and so at a young age, she began to differentiate and place the men in her life into certain categories: Friend, Colleague, Lover/Boyfriend, Acquaintance.
Eric wasn't someone she could brush off. She didn't want to. But just because she was in love with him didn't necessarily mean she should start a relationship with him. They worked together, for God's sake! Their work relationship could be compromised. But isn't it worth the risk? The voice was back. Being happy is worth the risk. Stop guarding your heart so closely. You could find forever in his arms. But first you have to give up that control.
She had always kept her feelings close to the vest. First as a child and then as a woman, professionally and personally. Most recently, she'd taken a chance on a relationship with Jake and that had fizzled out after just a few short months of happiness. With his undercover work and her cases, they'd been apart more than they'd been together in the last two years. To be fair, even though she'd been in a relationship with him, she admitted to herself, she'd still held back a part of her heart, unable to let go of that small core of her being. It's hard to do. Letting someone that deep inside yourself is a scary thing. It's an issue of intense trust, of giving yourself up completely and entirely—without reservation or hesitation. It's something you've never done before. And that's what she was afraid of, Calleigh realized. If they pursued a relationship, she could easily see herself giving that core piece of her heart to him, along with the rest of it, unreservedly. But what if it didn't work out? That was the kicker. What if they became intimate and they crashed and burned? She bit her lip in worry. She'd never let herself fall that deeply for someone before and what if they didn't work out? Happily ever after wasn't a strong concept in her family. Look at her parents. Married and divorced twice each now. Happily ever after only lasted until the credits rolled. If you continued that Disney movie, you'd see life happen.
She didn't know if she could deal with the repercussions if she and Eric took a chance and it didn't work out. She loved him. He was her best friend and confidante. He was her sounding board and she didn't know if she could take not having him to lean on if they broke up. That was another reason she found herself holding back. If you don't take a chance, you'll never have the kind of love you've always longed for. You know Eric. You know keeping things status quo won't work. You'll always wonder 'what if?' Fifteen, twenty years from now, you'll be wondering. What if you had become involved? Would you still be together? Would you be married with children? Would you be intensely happy, instead of just content? Don't settle, Calleigh. As Dad would say, go for the gold, balls out, always. Don't let fear stop you from going after what you want. Don't let it influence you that way. Don't have regrets.
Calleigh blew out a tight breath, releasing tension. Eric was worth the risk, wasn't he? They could be great together. And even if they didn't work out, she could at least say she went after what she wanted. Stop thinking so damn pessimistically and call him already! Hand shaking slightly, Calleigh picked up the cordless phone on the table beside the lounge. Dialing the familiar number from memory, she waited anxiously for Eric to pick up.
"Hello?" Eric's raspy voice sounded.
"Hey, it's me," Calleigh said, overly bright and promptly winced. Toning down the sunshine, she said more seriously, "Eric, can I come over? We need to talk."