Warning: this story is pretty much just a melting pot of randomness that refused to let Smurf be until it was set to the page (erm- screen). Don't read if you're allergic to all things stupid. Even the title's dumb.

Disclaimer: We, the serialhugger collective, do not own any characters, trademarks, etc. that you, the reader, may recognize. We do own a handful of original characters (err- okay so Smurf owns them, but you get the point.) but that's all we own. Just to reiterate, we don't own anything except the original characters. With that said, you cannot sue us… we don't think…

Summary: More randomness than you can shake a stick at. We were going through some of Smurf's computer discs and we came across this. It was on the disc labeled 'Subversive Muses'. Actually it was labeled, 'Subversive Muses and Brain Farts Of Massive Proportions', but you get the point.

'I'm thinking.' "I'm talking." I'm just regular stuff.

From the Floppy Called Subversive
By Smurf
Posted by Janey and Smurf (who has decided not to kill the pervert)

Chapter 1: In which Tsunade calls in reinforcements and bad-guy 354 appears

Enough was enough. It had been two months since the appearance of Mary-Sue in the Narutoverse, and she was driving Tsunade mad! Since the girl had shown up there had been nothing but disruption after disruption to the storyline. Naruto and Sasuke were nowhere near where they were supposed to be relationship wise, as a result the Kaka/Iru and several other deliciously slashy story arcs were at a stalemate. Something simply had to be done, and the quirky fifth Hokage had a plan.

The blonde woman looked at an equally blonde cat-girl who had been 'escorted' to her office by a team of Anbu; that is to say the girl had been asleep in her bed dreaming of catnip, and other such good things, when she had found herself being extracted forcibly from her home. Several claw marks decorated the arms- and probably other places- of the elite leaf shin obi. Tsunade made a mental note to make sure that ointment was applied to the shallow wounds immediately. Cat scratches hurt like a dickens if she remembered correctly.

"I thought you were supposed to be related," The Hokage was clearly puzzled, "but you're a neko!"

The pretty blonde kitty cocked her head to the side in a very feline gesture and quirked a brow in thought for a moment. "I never actually understood that bit either," she shrugged, "you'd have to ask the author how exactly that works." Both women paused and looked expectantly in the direction of the over tired typist, who simply shrugged her response and went back to chugging coffee, and chomping on Oreos while typing out the rest of the scene.

Finding that the author of this sad excuse of a fic was utterly useless the two continued their exchange. Which is to say that Tsunade talked, explaining the situation while the cat-girl listened and nodded occasionally, every so often adding a quiet, "Hmm," or an "I see," at the appropriate intervals. In the end it was decided that Mary-Sue must be stopped, and that Jamesie the cat-girl was just the neko for the job. After all she knew the dark haired whirlwind of an OC better than anyone.

So as Jamesie went forth to seek and capture her trouble causing older sister, Tsunade-sama got back to her regularly scheduled, griping, gambling, drinking, and hitting of things and people with a renewed zeal.

From what Jamesie had gathered, Mary-Sue was currently throwing herself at Hyuuga Neji, genius of the branch house of the well-known Hyuuga clan, of which his uncle was head, and his little cousin was heiress. According to the book of laws of the fan-fiction universe, Neji-san was either supposed to find love with a teammate, another flawed genius, a loud mouth blond boy, or his gentle cousin. And upon further examination of this particular dimension of the Narutoverse, it appeared Hyuuga-cest was the order of the day. Somehow Jamesie had to get the stuttering, shy, soft, Hyuuga Hinata, and the distant, resigned, bitter Hyuuga Neji back on track, so that the various Neji/Hina writers in this particular fandom, could continue on with their smut, fluff, or even angst filled fic's.

'Okay, first mission: Operation; Save Neji!' she thought to herself with a certain level of sarcasm reserved only for those with extraordinarily bizarre senses of humor. On her face she wore an expression that would have looked right at home on the face of one Nara Shikamaru, which only served as a foil for her inner thoughts, which were much more animated, and exciting.

In order to rescue Neji from a Mary-Sue type fate the cat-girl had to first do some research. Firstly, she would have to find out what back-story she had used. That had been exceedingly easy to do. She had simply asked the man at the BBQ place Chouji and his teammates frequented and he had told her everything he knew. As her current mess-up-the-fandom mission seemed to be centered on Neji, she had fashioned herself as a young girl named Uchiha Mary-Sue; a half Uchiha, born out of wedlock, and cousin to the Uchiha survivor, Sasuke. How she had managed to get anyone to believe that cock-and-bull story, Jamesie had no clue, but they apparently had believed it and there in lay the problem. As an Uchiha, the girl was acceptable for a branch house member to wed.

Groaning inwardly the blond recalled the rest of the story. The man had explained that because she was an Uchiha a series of evildoers had been attempting to kidnap her for their own nefarious purposes. And, according to the grapevine, these men seemed to show up like clockwork every Wednesday at precisely nine am, four pm, and eleven thirty-four pm. It was currently eleven thirty-two pm. Jamesie had exactly two minutes to find her wayward sibling and restore the brooding Hyuuga to his gentle cousin, and incestuous love interest, Hinata. Knowing the back-story her sister was currently using, as well as her general knowledge of her sister, it only took Jamesie one minute and fifty-seven seconds to find her.

She was in the woods slung over the shoulder of a standard looking bad guy, who was in fact so generic that he didn't even possess a real name. He was called simply, Bad-Guy 354. Apparently bad-guy's 1-353 had already attempted and failed to capture Mary-Sue, as a result of Neji always showing up inexplicably in the nick of time to rescue his stalker/ intended bride.

Once again Jamesie was forced to imagine what kind of mind jutsu Mary-Sue had worked upon the inhabitants of the fandom in order to swing that one. She shook her head clear of such thoughts when it became evident that all she would receive for her contemplation was a migraine the size of Hatake Kakashi's porn collection. Once more she returned her full attention to the situation at hand, and managed to retrieve her misbehaving sibling from said bad-guy in the record time of three minutes flat.

Getting Mary-Sue back had been decidedly simple. All she had done was used logic to reason with the man, in the end she had convinced him that Mary-Sue was not an Uchiha, nor was she the intended of Hyuuga Neji, and that kidnapping her whether it be for the mirror wheel eyes, or a hefty ransom from the Hyuuga she intended to marry, was a complete and utter waste of time, and energy, especially when he could be out kidnapping somebody who was actually important. She may have even dropped Hyuuga Hinata's name whilst lecturing the confused would-be kidnapper. Ah the wonders of logic. The Vulcan's really had something there- wait, that's Star-Trek, a completely different fandom!

By the time Neji arrived to rescue the kidnapped girl, Jamesie had dragged Mary-Sue out of the general vicinity, so what he actually found was Bad-guy 354 kidnapping his still struggling cousin; whom said bad-guy had decided would be a much better victim. Neji was victorious, as if there were any doubts he would be otherwise, and in his arms as he headed back home was a weakened, yet grateful Hinata.

Somewhere off in the distance there was a noise that sounded remarkably like a 'click!' and everything seemed right once again. Somewhere even further off in the distance Jamesie was explaining in graphic detail the many punishments Mary-Sue would undergo once she was safely back home and locked away in their creators mind, while Mary-Sue was whining, and attempting to escape from the painful grip that her feline sibling had on her right ear. Somewhere else the fifth Hokage sighed contented in the knowledge that the Mary-Sue type threat to her village had been stopped, even if she knew that the peace wouldn't be permanent.

End Of Chapter One!

Please take the time out and Review, as I have taken the time out to delve into my dear friends private property/ insanity, and made it public, risking life and limb to do so.

Up Next: Chapter Two: In Which Mary-Sue Returns and Sasuke Can't Seem To Find His Koi.